RashidaSimmons.com

DID YA MISS ME!!?? ha! probably not. i've always preferred to be a behind the scenes kinda gal. yeah, right!

how are you all? i missed you! really i did, i've missed a lot of grown ups. i have an infant, i don't have many conversations these days that don't mention things like 'wet tushies' and unless you are also a new parent these things aren't nearly as interesting.

plus i just don't have the time for a life right now. you see, my li'l sweetface is a big ol' ball of energy. he's not a mellow kid, requires lots of entertainment with bells and whistles. i spent the first few months coming up with lots of songs and dances with big jazz hands. now i buy lots of toys and contraptions with lights, sounds & moving things. and pbs cartoons (like sesame street and wordgirl which are his faves) are my bestest friends. he gets his fill of colors, songs & happy children dancing and i don't feel guilty about putting him in front of the tv when i need to be constructive.

and he's has more energy than i've ever had in my entire life. if he's awake, he's in motion, and he's always awake! he is not a fan of sleeping and he's an attention whore. i love him to tiny pieces and i will rip off my own right arm and beat the person who tries to hurt him, but i can't say i haven't wanted to sucker punch him in the temple once or twice. oh, i'm just kidding, stop calling child protective services!

oh, and don't let me forget he is big. i mean big. seriously, i have an 8 mnth. old 23 lb. baby. that's what you call big fun in baltimore.

but papa, baby & i are wonderfully well, learning new and hilarious things about each other everyday. i can't say when i'll have time to chat with you all again here, but that doesn't mean i love you any less. it just means i love my family more and they're a demanding couple o' dudes.

oh and if you are someone i know in more than the virtual world (or have at least had a real conversation with on the web) look me up on facebook. and if you want me to add you as a friend, please send me a message; it might take me a while to get back on myspace and your friend request will expire.

i think that's all. bring in the new year with gratitude, love, kindness, happiness and wonder!

I haven't been here for a while, but yes, I'm still pregnant. I think I'm going to be pregnant forever. I guess every pregnant woman feels like that at some point. It's bizarre how many simultaneous paradoxes pregnancy makes you feel-- like 'I've been pregnant forever' but 'It seems to have gone by so quickly.' And 'My due date seems soooo soon' and 'My due date is an eternity away.'

I presently look like I swallowed a basketball whole but I'm actually kinda used to my bigger body. Aside from the fact that I'm out-growing my maternity clothes (and I refuse to buy more!!) so I might be wearing a moo-moo for the next month or just not leaving the house and staying naked all the time. I think my man would like that so it's cool with me.

The odd things about pregnancy that I wasn't expecting.... there are several. Pregnancy books tell you all kinds of facts and things but they don't tell you some stuff that I would've liked a heads-up on. Ooh, like the randomly insane dreams!! I dreamt the other night that I was Bruce Lee's lover and we were at a swingers party. Seriously. I went through a series of ultra-violent dreams, like I single-handedly took on a gang of rastas that were trying to set fire to my mom's house during a cookout (and I have no problem with rastas usually). There are many more and they only get stranger.

I know the books say that a woman's hair grows more during pregnancy, but they fail to mention that ALL of a woman's hair grows more. Let's just say that any places that a woman ordinarily trims, shaves, plucks, or waxes she'll have to do triple duty on. Parts of me look like a Chia Pet.

I knew my stomach would be huge but I never expected that I might not be able to carry the weight of it. No one told me that I might be shopping around for belly support systems-- a belly bra!! I'm still kinda in denial about the need for this device... as I carry my belly in my hands and periodically have my man stand behind me and lift it up some, just to give my aching back a break. The ability to sit and stand without grunting like a cave man died months ago.



Food..... ah, food. I haven't had consistent cravings, mine change everytime something looks good. Like, I don't eat red meat but apparently this child would like a burger. I refuse to give the child a burger so this craving has gotten progressively worse. Oh, and my cravings can be annoyingly specific. Like, I won't just want chocolate, I'll need something fudgey, cake-like, and very rich, but not fudge cake. So if I don't get something fudgey, cake-like and very rich nothing else is appetizing. Once, Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt (not the ice cream, the frozen yogurt-- very specific) satisfied the craving but the next time it didn't work. I needed a giant chocolate chip muffin the next time. Last week at one in the morning my dear, sweet man and I ended up at a 24 hr. market getting french toast and cinnamon rolls (I think I saw breakfast food on Food Network).

And I must say I'm so grateful that we have a king-sized bed because I've had to purchase a pillow that's as tall as I am that comes under my head, around my back, between my legs and wraps up under my belly. It's pretty damn big, but much more comfortable than the growing pile of pillows that were shifting around the bed.

Speaking of which, extreme exhaustion is also way too familiar to me, and it's hitting me now. So I guess it's nap time.

Kwanzaa, a Celebration of Family, Community and Culture

Kwanzaa is an African American and Pan-African holiday which celebrates family, community and culture. Celebrated from 26 December thru 1 January, its origins are in the first harvest celebrations of Africa from which it takes its name. The name Kwanzaa is derived from the phrase "matunda ya kwanza" which means "first fruits" in Swahili, a Pan-African language which is the most widely spoken African language.

The first-fruits celebrations are recorded in African history as far back as ancient Egypt and Nubia and appear in ancient and modern times in other classical African civilizations such as Ashantiland and Yorubaland. Thus, Kwanzaa is:

* a time of gathering of the people to reaffirm the bonds between them;
* a time of special reverence for the creator and creation in thanks and respect for the blessings, bountifulness and beauty of creation;
* a time for commemoration of the past in pursuit of its lessons and in honor of its models of human excellence, our ancestors;
* a time of recommitment to our highest cultural ideals in our ongoing effort to always bring forth the best of African cultural thought and practice; and
* a time for celebration of the Good, the good of life and of existence itself, the good of family, community and culture, the good of the awesome and the ordinary, in a word the good of the divine, natural and social.

Rooted in this ancient history and culture, Kwanzaa develops as a flourishing branch of the African American life and struggle as a recreated and expanded ancient tradition. Thus, it bears special characteristics of not only an African American holiday but also a Pan-African one, For it draws from the cultures of various African peoples, and is celebrated by millions of Africans throughout the world African community. Moreover, these various African peoples celebrate Kwanzaa because it speaks not only to African Americans in a special way, but also to Africans as a whole, in its stress on history, values, family, community and culture.

Kwanzaa was established in 1966 in the midst of the Black Freedom Movement and thus reflects its concern for cultural groundedness in thought and practice, and the unity and self-determination associated with this. It was conceived and established to serve several functions.

THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES
Kwanzaa was created to introduce and reinforce seven basic values of African culture which contribute to building and reinforcing family, community and culture among African American people as well as Africans throughout the world African community. These values are called the Nguzo Saba which in Swahili means the Seven Principles. Developed by Dr. Karenga, the Nguzo Saba stand at the heart of the origin and meaning of Kwanzaa, for it is these values which are not only the building blocks for community but also serve to reinforce and enhance them.

Umoja (Unity) Dec. 26
To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination) Dec. 27
To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) Dec. 28
To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics) Dec. 29
To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Nia (Purpose) Dec. 30
To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba (Creativity) Dec. 31
To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani (Faith) Jan. 1
To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

To learn more about the traditions, meditations and symbols of Kwanzaa, please visit the website of the founder Dr. Maulana Karenga, The Official Kwanzaa Website.

I'm now 6 months pregnant and counting.

As I write this my hyper li'l baby is showing me much displeasure at the placement of my laptop on my stomach by kicking ferociously. Earlier when I told the daddy-to-be that he needs to tell his child to stop kicking me, he replied, "Kick 'em back."

Now that's helpful.

The li'l monster now kicks enough that we can see it by just watching my belly. I can't help but think about the movie 'Aliens' when seeing this bizarre invasion of my body.

And just because we don't seem to have enough chaos and activity in our lives, we are also trying to move this week...yes, during the holidays. We were supposed to move a couple weeks ago but an ongoing series of unfortunate events keeps delaying our plans, and increasing my stress.

And in case you don't know, pregnant women cry at the drop of a hat, so I am not a pleasant person to be around right now. About 22 hours of the day I just feel like screaming. I sleep for about 2 hours.

All of that foolishness and nonsense aside, I do want to wish the absolute best to everyone and an easy transition into the new year. Do something purely loving and genuine for someone else and I promise you'll feel like it was the best gift you gave all year.

Big ol' hugs and kisses on ya face!!

So, you're hanging out with your friend, sister, brother, girlfriend, boyfriend or whoever, and you are just chillin'- chit-chatting, making jokes and what not but all you're receiving is MAD SHADE! You know, that sneaky, standoff-ish attitude that doesn't outright say it, but says undercover of monosyllabic grunts and deep sighs that they are pissed at you for something. But you have absolutely no idea what you did or didn't do to bring on the shade!

Or maybe they aren't even pissed at you, maybe they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or got an annoying phone call, or any of the million things that can happen to irk someone for a minute or a day. All you know is that you are in that person's presence and at that moment you are the unlucky recipient of their bad mood.

And now you want to choke the shit out of them!!

I'm sure we all have our ways of dealing with or not dealing with our bad moods. Go for a walk or drive, eat some comfort food, write in a journal, play some beautiful music-- whatever coping mechanism feels best at the time. Personally, when I'm down or angry or annoyed with the state of the world in general, I just retreat away from folks. I don't talk much, usually for fear of saying the wrong thing and accidentally unleashing my baggage on an unsuspecting bystander. I just fade away for a while, and maybe go for a walk, eat some comfort food, write in my journal and play some beautiful music. As far as I'm concerned, whatever has me in a funk is temporary so I find some temporary solace and solitude until it also fades away.

But I really try not to take my bad mood out on others.... unless they are actually the one who set it off in the first place. Then all bets are off, they brought it on themselves and there will be consequences and repercussions! No, I'm not some tyrant, I'm kidding.... mostly. Right now I will admit that with the increasing surge of pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, I might not have the mental restraint that I usually do, but anyone who isn't understanding of that should probably just leave me the hell alone and save themselves and me the agony of my wrath. You've been warned.

I guess I said all that to say, the next time you're feeling a bit moody or shady for whatever reason, legit or not, be a little considerate of those around you who might have nothing to do with your upset. Don't take it out on them, because they just might return the favor and you might lose a friend (or a tooth, depending on the person). Go take a breather, take a drive or a walk, eat some comfort food, write in your journal or listen to some good music. Work it out and get on with life. No one, I truly don't care how special you think you might be, has the right to be evil to others just for evil's sake, because it just makes you the type of person that others don't want to be around.

Then you're left just being moody, shady, and lonely.

I am so pregnant. If you haven't read my blog here or my other blog, that statement might be a new bit of news for you. If you've seen me in the past month or so, it's definitely not. I look like I swallowed a honeydew melon whole, and I kinda feel like that too. I can get away with wearing my man's clothes... well, his shirts.... that are baggy and kinda hang loose on my bulbous belly, but then I just look fat and frumpy (no matter what he says). When I wear my maternity clothes (shit, y'all, I have maternity clothes!) I definitely look like I am so damn pregnant.

Some days it's totally cool, I kinda dig it actually. Especially when I'm walking the streets with the ol' man and he tells some long lost friend that 'we have a bun in the oven'. Then I really don't mind looking the part. The day we went for our most recent ultrasound and got to see the growing monkey in my tummy (the li'l monkey almost wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture, already rebellious like mama and hyper like papa) I was proud to sport my big bulge. Now that I'm at the halfway point in the whole deal ('bout 5 months now) and I'm just starting to tell the difference between baby movements and gas, and a lady told me the other day she couldn't tell I was pregnant, I just looked like she did after a big meal, I'm getting used to the fact that I got a lot more bulging to do so I'm trying to adjust quickly.

But then days like today when every part of my ever swelling body hurts, and I have muscle aches in places that even my rather flexible yoga skills don't touch, and I wake up with my first taste of Braxton Hicks contractions, toting this giant belly is just a pain in the ass! When I can't even bend over to pick up the pen I dropped, and I'm peeing twice an hour (that might be too much information, but you could have stopped reading a long time ago), and my sore boobs and cramping back have decided to be my painful enemies, and then I think, "I'm only halfway through this whole thing, I have soooo much more bulging to do!!!" I am so over this pregnancy deal.

That does not mean I don't already love and adore the little wonder that's currently residing in me, I really do. It's cool to know that I love someone I've never met, so I can't imagine how much I'll love the li'l monster upon arrival. If only the hyper devil would stop beating on my bladder like a bongo (no seriously, we saw this on the ultrasound-- papa to be found it very amusing). It's amazing how bipolar this seems to be making me.... more so than usual.

I am doing some things to make sure this li'l one knows mama from day one. I read out loud often, lots of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, and some Stephen King (hey, I like it and I don't want a skittish, squeemish kid) for starters. I put my mini-speakers on my tummy and play good music; Donny Hathaway, Stevie Wonder, Fertile Ground, and Raul Midon are some of the folks on the current playlists. Yoga will hopefully keep me from being too miserable and make a little yogi to boot. I have to admit, I do wish papa would participate a bit more- maybe talk to the li'l one or read a story or two to my growing belly to help create a bond (with both of us during this process), but he's being excellent in all other aspects. His focus is taking care of me and making sure my needs are met, so I'm sincerely appreciative, truly.

Other than that, all I got to say is that I am so PREGNANT!

p.s. Happy Belated Birthday to my girl Ki!! I was so gonna be at your party but a monkey has control of my body so I bend to it's will. But congrats on joining the ranks of the 30 and over crew, old head!! Love you to pieces~~

Today I'm here to write mainly because the urge hit me to write. Today I'm writing here because I happen to be logged in to this particular profile (if you really know me you know I'm all over the web) and this happens to be handier than finding my journal and a pen.

Today I'm writing mostly for myself, however, so if you happen to feel as though you're getting lost in a mental whirlwind, feel free to bail and my feelings won't be hurt. I am my own audience today, but as always you are welcome to enjoy the show.

For those who frequent my other myspace profile ( http://www.myspace.com/rashidasimmons ) then you might have peeped my blog there and gotten some idea of what's new and amazing in my life. My news of wonder and glee is that I'M HAVING A BABY, BABY! Yeah, it's a li'l crazy, but I'm gonna be a mama. I'm pretty jazzed about it, and it helps that I have a caring, loving, strong support system. I do have regular anxiety attacks and neurosis about the wacky tricks that my body now plays on me and the type of mommy I'll be, but above all I always trust in the fact that I have always positively made the best of all situations, and this is the best situation to be in, so what's not to be positive about?

Oh and since my belly seems to want all the attention these days, I also had my appendix out a few weeks ago-- yes, while I was pregnant. It was rather nerve wracking but I just believed there was no way I would not do well. I kinda chanted repeatedly (along with the li'l one inside me), "We are strong, we are healthy, we are well." And yes, we are strong, we are healthy, and we are well!

So now my mind goes on to my day-to-day dizziness (my day-to-day does tend to make me dizzy). At the moment I'm living in B-more and soooo over it! Daily I am reminded of all the reasons I left in the first place (and yes, the one reason I came back.....) and my motivation to motor outta here gets stronger. I think I want to head back out west and give Cali another shot, wildfires and all, but that's so much easier said than done. Bills, jobs, lives have accumulated in this place and need to be dealt with first. Again, I don't doubt my ability to make the best of any situation, but I'm not the only person involved in this life now and I can't be selfish with my decision-making. If it were up to me and me alone, I'd have had my meager belongings packed up in a U-haul and been lead-footin' it cross-country a couple months ago.... I'm such a gypsy. But it's not me alone, so I'm still B-more bound. For now......

I also lost someone very dear to me recently. It's still rather difficult for me to talk about, not because I don't love talking about her but just the opposite. I feel compelled to celebrate her and tell wonderful, happy stories about her and I just can't bring myself to mourn for her loss because I don't feel like I lost her. She helped to mold my spirit and the person that I am, she lives in my laughter and the songs I sing, she is just such a good damn soul that how can I mourn that? But out of respect for the other members of my family who lost her as well I feel as though I should wear the 'mask of mourning' or at least respect them with my silence. I don't think they understand where I'm coming from, and I can get that.

I guess I'm done for the moment. Revise that, I'm hungry and these days that takes priority over damn near everything. Mothers and pregnant women can relate. If y'all don't mind that my blog posts these days will probably take no particular shape at all and be mostly amorphous word blobs mostly for my own mental release than for any other reason, I'll probably do this much more often. If I get a heap of messages that request poetry, stories, or anything requiring structure, well then I guess we're all just shit outta luck.

Love, gratitude, and positivity.
Phoenyxx Rising aka Rashida

We went out to show our love and support (and to PAR-TAY!!) at the Baltimore Pride 2007 Block Party this past Saturday. It was great fun as you can well see...
All Photos Originally uploaded by r.s.m.b. Sees

We ran into tons of good friends and took in the FABULOUS-NESS of it all! There was jumpin' music (big shouts to Ultra Nate!!) and yummy food and drinks and after-parties that catered to all appetites.

To all my grocery bag, baby bag, Gucci bag, garbage bag, and nickel bag ladies...
Erykah Badu - Bag Lady

r.s.m.b. Sees :: through our eyes ::

Allow me to introduce the collaborative project r.s.m.b. Sees. We are two separate artists (of very similar and different sorts) who are new to combining our visions and making them visible on a place such as MySpace (or anywhere on the internet), so our collection of ideas is growing as progressively as our desire to create more.



Aside from that, we're just starving artists and wanderers. Everything else about our individual and joint selves we are learning along the way.

Connect with us through:
r.s.m.b. Sees :: on myspace ::

r.s.m.b. Sees :: on blogspot ::

r.s.m.b. Sees :: on flickr ::

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have some steps I need to take in my life right now and this is taking me a lot more faith in myself than I've ever had before. I have no idea what is going to happen next and I can't let that stop me from going ahead. I have no definite plan, just a clear picture in my head of my life's intended destination, and that is all I need now.

I am much more aware these days. Aware of who I am, what I am, what my ideal life is thus how I must attract it, what I love, whom I love, and what I want to feel about my life. I am much more aware of the fact that I don't feel as much fear about the process of life, because I recognize that fear as exhiliration for the spririt of life. I am much more aware of the good that I do and the good that I am, the big and the small of it all. I am so much more aware of what I put out, thus what I get back, so my circle of life is much bigger and fuller as a whole. This is why I know I can take the steps I need to take, because I always have and bit-by-bit my life has only been the better for it.

My only goal now is to keep my eyes high, because that's where my life leads me; always up. Remember my heart and my love, because it's huge, open, and glowing and it always guides me right. Speak and will my intended life into existence, my destiny has always been sculpted by my own soul's artistry.

Then take the first step.

"Never look before you leap, it ruins the surprise." Unknown

I am so not well today, so I decided to take a physical and mental health day. I made a big pot of my fabulously famous homemade New England clam chowder, wrapped myself in my favorite blanket, and watched "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory".

Now I'm going to make some brandy and tea like my grandma used to give me when I was little and sick (and she just wanted to knock me the f*ck out) while you read my favorite sick day poem. (I would never condescend to take credit for this, it's Shel Silverstein):

SICK

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay,
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more--that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is---Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

~Shel Silverstein~

I love to eat delicious and healthy food and I love to cook them and I love to stare at pretty ladies.... ipso facto, I love Rachael Ray!

If these three things appeal to you as well, you must get into her. She makes cooking fast and fool-proof, but really, really tasty. Healthy and beautiful, it looks so nice on the plate every time!

If you just need some low-stress, fun in your kitchen, welcome Rachael in!

Courtesy of dear, sweet Bliss....I have been tagged because she knows I'm helpless but to answer when I see my name pop up on her page. So here I go:

Question 1: If you had the chance to have a private conversation with any 5 people (dead or alive), who would you choose to chat with?

1. My lost love (and they know who I'm talking about). We still talk as friends but there are one ore two conversations that we never got to have as lovers that our hearts still need to have.

2. My godmother. She was a really, strong, groovy, earthy woman who died when I was too young to get to know the things about her that I would have as an adult.

3. Kat Von D. she's a bad ass tattoo artist that I'd like to have do some work on me if I wasn't broke and in another country.

4. I have to agree with Oprah for the sheer Oprah-ness of it.

5. Common because for the past few weeks I keep having the BEST dreams about him.....

Question 2: If you could get rid of one characteristic in mankind, which one would it be?

FEAR. I think most of the harsh stuff that we do to ourselves and each other in some way or another is rooted in fear. Fear of losing love, money, power, status, fear of the unknown-- it's a crippling trait.

Question 3: If I could grant you unrestricted access for 24 hours to anywhere in the world, where would you go and what would you do?

I'm thinking North Korea to hand out as many computers, cell phones, magazines, amd newspapers as I can get my hands on. They have no contact with the outside world at all; give them the culture shock of their lives.

Question 4: What 5 luxuries do you feel you absolutely need in your Life?

Damn good coffee, wine, sex, chocolate, and sex. Yes I said sex twice but often enough I'm having it with myself and I'm good enough to count myself separately.

Question 5: Who are you "tagging" in this round of 5x5 and why?

I haven't the foggiest, I won't lie.

and because you know the deepest me
in the deepest curves and valleys,
at my highest peaks-- that i've only ever reached with you,
when i was so elated and elevated by the site
of you at your greatest height...

because you know the deepest me,
in the deepest places of my skin,
that only your fingertips know how to analyze and devour,
my pulse rests in your palm's power for hours-
--and hours--

and because you know the deepest me,
in the deepest colors of my mind's creativity,
and i, your soul's ingenuity,
and we- each other's gift of sweet, pure life and bliss-
--where and when and oh just how we both need it so very badly...

because you know the deepest me,
and i know you,
and we know no one else--
in every one of the deepest blues, and smells,
and words, and wants,
and sounds, and grooves,
and moods, and needs...
and we love the deepest love that deep love can make still...

because you know the deepest me,
you know i will always give you the deepest me,
completely and implicitly,
and the promise of as many tomorrows as time will be-
to arise, sleep, take solace in the embrace of love
and passion that only we manifest--
and as what we could be; freely;
in each other's innate positivity,
could may just be our purpose-
our deepest, unbridled vitality...
but only-
--only--
to all of the deepest of you.

and because you know the deepest me,
where i weep from the deep, deepest heart of me-
i have not the deepest part of me-
the part that we are.
and where i know the deep, deepest heart of you-
the true, you that you fight through-
never doubt the trust that will lie in you,
that i will make it all right with you,
i will be side-by-side with you,
and deeply we can finally;
just be.

because you know the deepest me.