... so one week later from my i.m. with oregon,

and now one day away from the BIG day - the wedding,the betrothal, the joining,

the

family.

we are gathering, here and there,

from hither and yon, near and far... try to keep up  - it's gonna get very confusing ahead! 

... i was on the phone this evening with the groom to be (nephew #3 descending order), and his brother (nephew #2 middle man), and could hear the very pregnant rae (brothers' wife - niece in law #2 with great nephew #4 in oven) in the background, and juggling overhearing a one sided phone conversation between my two sisters (#3 and #4 ascending) in my background, and getting a call waiting from yet a third nephew (nephew #1 acsending order) whose family (niece in law #1 and great nephew #2 and son to sister #4 above in one sided call) will not be making it this weekend, due to a newly purchased "first" home for them (ain't i proud!) and he wants information on champagne to christen the house, and the original nephew (#3 descending again)... is telling me how cool is all of THIS!... no butterflies or cold feet for this one anyway LOL!

follow me so far?

catch my snow drift i am buried in?

okay, moving along then...

nephew one is telling me that he is there with nephew two and the missus, and they are at the hospital for an ultrasound........ i'm thinking the  worst now ... due date is less than two weeks - flown down from Washington State - ultrasound = baby trouble (this one is my fourth great nephew), airplane ride was too much - all of that rushing thru my head while I still hear sisters(#3 and 4 respectively of 6 total - sister #2 being mom to nephews #2 and #3 above..and not due to arrive from Oregon for another hour at this point... still with me? good moving on...) here in background talking on land line about "the minasian hospitality suites" for saturday nite (this is a family tradition - brother in law #8 from sister #4{see phone call above or below - i'm lost now} ascending third marriage - we'll call him "fred"... always rents an extra smoking suite at the hotel and everyone brings cigars, noshables, and drinks to set it up proper...for afterwards of course)... speaking of 'course' - back on it now... so i'm thinking and listenening and wondering and worried about great nephew #4 when i get it - the ultrasound is the radically new "4D" version - unavailable up in washington state where they live unless they want to drive to seattle to get it done, so since rae's doctor gave approval to fly down, and nephew #2 - middle man - is telling me that Michael Jace (impending greatnephew #4) keeps putting his hands in front of his eyes and a knee in his ear, so he is becoming distraught over the cost of this imaging session with a future son who already is bucking the folks desires ... and ain't even took a breath of stale air yet! 

the nurse asks them to take a walk around, get some ice cream, and come back in twenty minutes to try again - at least she is feeling his anguish as a new daddy to be and wants to give them what they are paying for... a head shot!... all good in my book, and obviously - NOT managed health care at this clinic... hehehe. so at this time of posting, i don't know if the second trip thru the gel and magicke did it's tricks or not, can only assume that nephews #2 and #3 made it to lax to pickup thier mother and her wife (sister in law #1 for me as i have no brothers...just brothers in law come and gone from many marriages we can't even begin to graph here now with an excel spreadsheet twice as long as my current blog; so this is a milestone here!)

okay still with me so far?   good. moving on...

so distraught nephew #2 - middle man - is telling me about babys hands in the way      and i'm saying. "tony - whats the big deal? he will be here in less than two weeks anyway and we'll see pictures then in live 3D, so if the "4D" doesn't produce anything other than a cute "before birth" picture - it's still album material, right?"

dead air drags for what seems like two minutes, but is only maybe 10 or 15 seconds,

and i hear this incredulous voice on the other end of my cell say... " uncle doug, just how old ARE you... 'cuz it's way too early for alzhiemers in this family without a history of it so far.... Michael Jace is due in january, the third actually, and that is some time off still........."

um.

duh.

yeah, i think you told me that a couple months ago when we talked....  yep!

"what nephew is this again?" i am muttering now...

so long story try to be shorter...

i am looking forward to saturday, very enthusiastically too, because my s/o and the asher are going too, so i am happy -  very happy - at this turn of event, and i know that up above - mom is watching me type and try to explain the brood of hers and all it's permeabilities, and knowingly smile that she is esctatic at the outcome we will attend all  saturday.

the cast above as closely i can recall:

Sisters (descending)

not attending - gail #1 and ex brother in law #1 and kids

not attending - marty #2 and ex and current brother in law #2, 4 and kids

attending - kim #3 and brother in law fred #8  and kids (attending - niece andrea #1 and family, not attending -  nephew allen #1 and family)

attending - jeri #4 - the only solo one of them... lives with me or me with her,  i dunno anymore...

attending - stef #5 , and her wife josie - sister in law #1, and sons/nephews tony#2 and john#3 (the groom) and family  rae - niece in law #2 and unborn michael jace - great nephew #4 and bride to be wendy - niece in law #4 (?)

attending - dale #6 and brother in law dennis #9 or 10,  i really don't know now{divorces and deaths from above marriages have altered this number over and over}... and alice - niece #3

Yep.

the family reads like the general assembly at the united nations in full attendance...

... so i was up late, talked to my sister I haven't seen in over 6 (?),or 7 years on MSN till like 2:30 in the morning... (last time we talked was Feb 15th on her birthday and before that was at my nephews wedding the 6 or 7 years ago)

the occasion is due to another nephews impending wedding next weekend (son #2 for her), and we talked about when she is getting here from Portland, how will she be recieved by the rest of the family here now, how she and her wife are recovering from a car accident in July I think it was, we all suffer now from some type of similar back injuries, so we compared notes on the delays and costs of Insurance based medical care/coverage, lack of same and all of the just general heartaches involved in that.

see - this sister has been ostracised from the family for unsound business decisions made back in '93 or so - having buried the family biz in debt past our eyes, and because we were looking the other way with said eyes - never saw it happening till it was way too late to recover it all.

I would like to believe that things will be much better at this wedding gathering than the last - way too strained environment to interfere with what the main event is about and for - and not the place to air old grievances anyway. we'll see I suppose...

I, (and my Mom watching from above I believe) forgive and move on for past discretions that way, but others in my clan - still hold deep to the ideas of what happened way back when and probably will never reconcile it... I hold out always for hope they will someday -

Life, Families, Time is Short,

all that ya know?

we talked about families and all, the name of my new "great nephew Jace Michael Holloway" whose very pregnant mother will be here next week also (and not having seen either of them since the wedding before), the ideas behind growing older associated with the ideas of "grandmother and great uncle" monikers now - we are not old enough yet to be named such anyway, can't possibly be that old LOL;    

and that her and the wife have started cooking much more - refining recipes they will put out in january possibly depending on thier award date from accident /insurance in a small cafe they are going to open in Portland's Grand Central Marketplace - so that triggered subconcious yearnings in me yet again - i still hold those desires also for a small place in SP that was planned and discussed in much the same manner over the last year.. 

and of course how i am doing, as my nephews who talk to thier mom much more than i do sadly, shared with her my current conditions and state of not so well being which led me into the funk displayed below in the poetry/writing i did after we closed our conversations...... i still have a lot to deal with, and i really dislike writing when i am up way late at nite into the wee hours and feeling so lonely, because it colours it all so darkly when i do........

but i made the promise to myself to put those feelings out there and down in the blog way back when, and to not go back or during the writing process - censor those thoughts and feelings.  and it makes me so sad to go and read them the next day - because they are deep feelings that i don't display readily on the surface anyway - i prefer to try and stay optimistic always and be the one who bolsters others around me with my optimism, but it gets really hard anymore to seperate them inside me, and my "optimism" lately becomes more "preaching" to the ears of those who hear it.

so i have been changing my environment the last couple days in and around computer time to change, hopefully; my outlook also - i painted a wall in my room here, and am working on a second and third today, but last nite (this morning actually) when i went to bed - i closed the blinds, window and curtain for the first time in the two months i have been back here, and when i awoke at 8:30 this morning - it was still so dusky in here that it felt really good to crawl back into bed, under the covers that now match the wall at my head, and awoke again at 12:15 this afternoon.

LOL!

hibernation on so many different levels i suppose.....

i miss my families - old and new, i miss being someone who is full of life and quick to smile and laugh or satirize at will, and i miss feeling like i am part of the world around me instead of being chained to this chair in front of this screen trying to make sense of my unhappy life so i may, once again; go back to being the someone i want to be again.

... and not a hibernating 'bear' who grumbles when poked and prodded whilst sleepingand dreaming of what may.

and not waking to what is.

drift away - dobie gray

tired of being

unheld

uncaring

unhappy.

tired of being

awake

mind full

needy.

tired of hearing

same old

same

old.

tired of being

unheard

unwanted

untried.

when where why?

fight dream die.

return reach sky?

retreat defeat cry.

but not i?

asked, unanswered defy.

love gone awry

no rather, lie.

again.

another nite

no different than last nite,

no different than tomorrow.

another nite

having read posts

here.

there.

left comments,

changed pics.

another nite

alone,

heartache,

despair,

waiting,

longing.

another nite.

hide behind screennames

open new messenger windows,

tell falsehoods to cover tracks.

little ones,

but false still.

another nite

stay connected,

but not

really anyway.

tell me what and why...

another nite.

because

another nite

i will still be here.

unrequited

and

longing.

another nite

to say

you threw it away...

another nite

awhile ago.

so why

can't

i

let

go?

another nite

perhaps,

sooner.

... so all that trepidation and worry for naught it seems.

so many months of endless loops to run in...

i was the "textbook" model witness at my very first deposition ever attended, and as such;

stated my case very well for what my ex employers' lack of concern for me now has done to what's left of my future.

i answered questions with truth and sincerity, i presented myself as a 'believable witness' to the defense, i came across as the one who was and is wronged fully - no hostility (kept in check very well i may add as much as i wanted to expose the stupidity of thier ways anyway) and completed it in a little less than and hour and a half tops.

the outcome?

from the mouth of the defense attorney:

" i see no reason to continue to depose, and no reason to schedule a judicial review in this matter. our next meeting will concern compensatory totals, and the options regarding retraining for mr. versteegh in a new career choice. "

you mean,

    I WON ?

ummmmm, now what?    

i am giddy, still possibly in shock (was this way too easy i ask myself?)

again with those loops?   

i will believe it then when i have a check in my hand, and the balances will be just.

could it really be possible my nightmare is finally coming to a close, and i can awake refreshed and clean and renewed?

in addition to my good fortune yesterday, and to go back and re-inforce the title of this post -

I have additional good news having been shared:

my pal got good news yesterday - almost at the same time i was sitting dumbstruck at the words finding thier way into my ears..... she has been promoted to a position she has strived for - her career now will skyrocket i'm sure and she truly deserves the attention and accolades she is now getting!

CONGRATULATIONS

 are in order all around!

... i sit here...  in trepidation laced with elation... less than

     12 hours

and i get to finally initiate my pain and suffering for the last nearly two years,

upon the legal side of a former employer who has wreaked havoc on my life and hopes and dreams of what could be.

to finally lay out , on the conference table for all there in attendance to see and hear, just what my life means to the rest of the world from here on out.

to see what a doug can be with his remaining years, to see what it is worth, a life with slightly (worth more then?) less mobility, less capability to do the job a dougs' gotta do... 

  measure of man

leonardo davinci

this is the first of what i hope will be only two or three meetings like this, and have been told that if it all stays on schedule now - could very well end at christmas or shortly thereafter - depending of course on whatever  "holiday" schedule the adjutant judge will entertain in this case.

today.

friday, october 14th, 2005.

10:00 a of m in my lawyers office.

THE DEPOSITION.

my deposition to start - where thier side gets to tear me up, whats left of me anyway

- to justify why they shouldn't have to be responsible for my outcome, i mean - afterall - not like i wasn't just doing my job when i got hurt (each time by the way) - so sorry to have caused all this legalese and wrangling back and forth that cost me a job, a comfortable life as such, a career doing what i liked anyway at the time, then a physical cost on top of that:

back injury.

muscle atrophy in left leg.

loss of use of leg muscles.

rounds of insomnia.

unhealthy rapid weight loss.

stress.

drug therapy that will kill me if i keep it up.

waiting.

the loss of my significant other because of issues tied to this.(among others - see stress above - but it does figure into it considerably).

waiting some more.

so many other small things that add up to great things.

back surgey is an alternative.

so is pain management.

so is doing nothing and just living in pain till it ends then.

not an alternative that last one anyway.

so, i am gonna try to lay down, go to sleep, dream of being whole and happy, and wake ready to do battle.

wish me luck.

     thank you R for your support last nite - i really mean that!

i hope it goes well.

"She Talks to Angels"  -  The Black Crowes

i know a little girl who turned four today,

and i'm sure she had a fabulous time with it,

yet,

others around her - present or not -

take away with them feelings that may not be as happy as the little girls' were i'm sure.

feelings of loss, of not being a part of things anymore, feelings that are sometimes bittersweet and affecting more than just one

yet,

happy also.

yep.  it seems a dichotomy of those feelings - you say "how can anyone not be happy at a four year old little girls birthday party?"  because to see it from her eyes - it's a grand affair - presents, cake, family, fun and food all round!

and, hopefully RED candles again!

bittersweet.

technically (scientifically?), it's a woody plant or shrub.

as an adjective though it is a term meaning:

Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.

so, the pain and pleasure side of it is -

getting to see her smile, open presents, having fun... then having to leave and not take her home with you to continue that pleasure at her other house.

or, to be watching from afar, knowing the pleasure she is having with all the new horses (her absolute favorite thing!) or items gaily wrapped to be discovered within.

but not watching at the same time.

 because it is from "afar".

happy.

the feelings are still happy, because we know that she is growing, and developing and becoming her own entity...

and when that happens - things HAVE to be displaced in order for it to grow and become hers...

i wish only the best, many happy years to come, times shared for the time that IS shared or was shared, and will be shared!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEY!

  YOU are FOUR today!!!

this many...

it's okay momma,  it's okay   :).

look, you can use this for "homework"!!

   {{{BH}}},    me.

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear Ashleeeyyyyy...

happy birthday to you!

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Bed Head?

so, lately i have been awaking with that ever so popular phenom known as, simply :

"bed head".

     you know, when you hair decides to have it's own "fashion show sense of hilarity" obviously while you are soundly sleeping... because you never remember walking that catwalk, or sitting in the chair where the little "all the rage today" hair sty-leest of the absolute moment, tortures your hair into the positions that... 

not even ANY amount of Aqua Net Super Industrial Liquid Lacquer as if sprayed from a fire hose or gel from hell itself can produce if you wanted to on your own anyway.... much less any amount of water and scrubbing when waking can reduce either before heading for morning coffee to prepare to go back and relieve your scalp of it's offense incurred last night.

     now, for me - who is in all reality these days "hair deficient" -  it comes really, as a shock to see it when i awake, stumble into the bathroom to relieve myself  (maybe the bathroom trip is due to the champagne i don't remember drinking also all night during the fashion show described above?), and turn around to see an image reflected back from the mirror - that is at most - me? ; but is always enough to shock you then dead awake.

http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

for those who see me regularly, you are aware there are two blogs i post in:

here         and there: http://dversteeghblog.blogspot.com/

this one shows a very personal side of me at times, and is where i post those thoughts and feelings of what i go through day to day, with an occasional slap dash of humour thrown in just to keep it from dragging everyone down.

but why not cross post in both?

because - here - i still have some anonyminity, not quite as widely read, and that gives a bit of comfort to assuage the fears.

of people seeing that real me, of finding out i am not always that secure guy everyone thinks i am, or is it that i think that?

over there? :

i post everything else really - that stuff more common or inline with the blogging community at large -

"memes", daily projects, things to do and/or to go see other bloggers via comments and links.

this post today is one of the former, and is a hard thing to write and put out here, knowing it will be read, knowing it will be seen, knowing that it is a peek inside me again -and not things i readily share anymore... and then knowing that because there is no verbal discourse via it - it may misunderstood then be too.

writing lacks a certain emotional impact when on it's own on just a page to be read...but can also be the most powerful tool in the world today. it all depends on what is in the readers' mindset at the time - the pains, hopes and desires will surely inflect themselves into what is being read - then processed and thought about in a view maybe not as was intended.

parallels will present themselves, and are not intended that way - unfortunately they just happen.

anyone here understand this phenomenom?

so, read it just as it is written, not what it feels like if you are unhappy, down or sad at the time of reading and it should make more sense then. and i dislike having disclaimers but felt this one needed clarity before commencing on the journey ahead...

setting roots and then... letting go to grow.

i got this quote today while doing just what i have been lately - viewing blogs out there in all forms and styles - most good some better.

Love Is.......

'on your mark.'

'get set.'

'go.'

go where?

go away?

go forward?

yes.

again, back to the starting gate, the gun mis-fired, the race to begin again.

wouldn't it be fun just once to run anywhere you wanted instead of the oval looping track we are on?

yep.

london calling - the clash

all true, when it IS over, you can't be friends.

you say you want to

they say we will

you say whatever you can to try

to be friends,

but you can't.

i lost my pal tonite, because

i was concerned about her,

and,

i went and sat in the house, her house, to wait to talk when she came back.

and instead,

of talking about any and all of it,

i left because she is afraid of me.

... that way the taste doesn't ever leave the pit of your stomach.

instead - you can feed on it,

and feed on it,

and feed on it some more.

because this bitter pill          will never

ever

dissolve.

yep.

remember her?

pop star wannabee.

movie star.

television with vision actress.

internet wet dream wallpapers.

new shows for the fall,

alien invasions, e-rings and the government, crime scene investigations to the nth power spunoff.

and ....

'ghost whisperers'.

why does the line coming out of her  trembling mouth with tears welling in her eyes - just NOT ring true to the character then?

“We’re in the Life business; Death is just a part of it.” 

i believed it.

yep.

 till the commercial break.

i want you to want me - cheap trick