I must extend a late welcome to Pope Benedict (String of Roman numerals)!
Amidst the recent 10-year controversy following Cardinal Law and the supersexy sex abuse scandal, I have to congratulate the Catholic Church for picking the man who looks most likely to try and touch your underage butthole when no one else is looking. 

Heralding in a new era of Catholic reformation, we have such sentiments as Rock Music is Evil,  Harry Potter is Evil, and just to make sure we know he is up to date with more recent events, The Internet is bad (myspace took down my previous link which mentioned all three).  So, upon losing their Amiga-based Animatronic JPIIx, the Vatican fired up their coal-powered crackbong and selected the nearest ex-Hitler Youth member they could... brilliant!

We choose Smeagle!

Not to be undone by the phallic tradition of scepters and pointed-tip hats, the only consistent determining factor must be a culture's reputation for sausage.  I'll admit, when I discovered the previous Pope who took the reigns of the dysfunctional family that counts me in its numbers, it took a while for me to accept the fact that our last Pope was not Italian.  He's the Popa!  How could he not be Italian?  But he feigned the Italian attitude with grace, signaling his arms outward and downward as if to proclaim "I am the Popa! Licka my ballsa!"

Previous Popa, passing for Italian.

So I concur that sausage is really the only link (Puns aren't funny. So stop laughing.).  Sure, the British have "bangers and mash" and the Scottish have that concoction called haggis which is really just shit boiled inside other shit; but sausage that people are actually not opposed to eating - that's what we're talking about here.  Alas  Italians... check.  Polish... check.  Germans... double check. It's obvious that Pope Smeagle can't act like a grande-old wop.  He acts more in accordance to the ways of his Hitler-youth instruction.  Which brings me to my next point:  Of the more convenient rhetorical devices, none seem more widespread than immediately drawing comparison to Adolph Hitler.  This is why the phrases Godwin's Law and Reductio Ad Hitlerum have been devised.  Usually, if the conversation regresses to this comparison it is assumed the the person introducing the comparison automatically discards whatever legitimate arguments he had and must forfeit.  Let's get one thing clear though, this does not apply when you actually were in the fucking Hitler Youth!  Incriminating the Church further into suspiciously pro-Nazi territory is the Pope's revoking excommunication on Holocaust-denier Bishop Richard Williamson.  **

I will also be posting this somewhere on craigslist.org:

Dear Condescending Bitch Holding the Palm Beach Garage Sale,
Consider me surprised.  I came upon your ad yesterday which featured the following listing:

"5)iMac OLD generation G4 computer with keyboard and mouse... $30."
$30?  For a G4 iMac?  Wow, you're fucking kidding, right? 
I actually remember when those came out.  They had the dome shaped part that held the components on the bottom, and that fascinating pivot/move-anywhere LCD screen built in.  Either this person really wants to get rid of this, or they're just remarkably ignorant of its value.  And noting some of the shit people practically give away on craigslist, neither seemed as large a stretch.  Of course there's the other possibility that you listed an item you didn't really possess.  An honest mistake really.  I don't expect others to share the geeky sort of obsession I have with vintage electronics or computers in general.  ...OR maybe you forgot to add a "0."  So with all of the above in mind, I noticed your phone number (561) 900-7218 and I gave it a call.

...And then you answered.  Things started off politely enough within the first 3.5 seconds.  Then, I had to start asking questions. 

"Is it the one with the flat panel screen attached?", I asked.

You'll have to excuse me if I don't remember what you said exactly, but your tone really said it all.

"You're kidding, right?  Did you really expect to be getting THAT for 30 dollars? Come on!  I said it was OLD." ... as if what you really wanted to say was...
"Wow, sir.  You are a fucking moron.  It's a miracle your stupidity has permitted your survival."

So, I admit I was momentarily speechless.  I couldn't believe someone was being a condescending bitch for me just for asking an honest question.  Being open-minded, and considering how intensely certain you were about the whole ordeal, I entertained the possibility that perhaps I was wrong. I explained why I thought the model you had was a different one and ended the call akwardly. 
It probably should have ended there, but I looked online to verify what I already had asserted.  You did not have a G4 iMac.  So, thoroughly irritated at the fact that you were unjustified in your rude behavior, I decided to call back and let you know you should change your listing so you stop wasting yours and others' time. 

Upon letting you know, you said:

"Oh my god.  You're crazy.  Goodbye."

And to which I replied, "Well, you're a bitch."

..And then of course, you hung up.  But if you hadn't, you probably could have received a valuable lesson.  But the reality is, you're probably such a crusty old bitch that it wouldn't matter.

1) You justified your ignorance of what you had by saying it's "the old one."  Anything older than 2 years in technology is considered "old."  So really, I shouldn't automatically know what you're talking about unless I'm Criswell the Fucking Great.

2) There really wasn't any reason to be rude, even if I was the potential idiot.  But let's be honest.  Your arrogance was the star of the show here...

3) I really wanted your formica table.  I can't get enough of furniture that screams "I shit my pants often."

Yours Truly,
Fucking Moron Who Called About Your G3 Candy-Colored Doorstop

Apple may be getting a lot of positive press for their latest notebook computers, the MacBook and MacBook Pro, but for those who have been tracking the company with a watchful eye this may mark the beginning of Apple's plunge to its pre-candy-colored era. 

First, it's new MacBook is undeniably slick looking.  The black on metal scheme looks nice on its new notebook.  Gone is the plastic white or black exterior of the classic MacBook design.  Internally, they've made the move from Intel's integrated chipset to something more robust from Nvidia, which should provide Mac users the ability to do some decent gaming. But all of this comes at some serious compromise:

1. The Screen: It's covered with the same glass that covers the screens of Apple's newer iMac models, making outdoor enjoyment of this computer virtually impossible.  So much for portability. 

2. The Optical Drive: Well... at least it's a "Superdrive."  That's Applespeak for what is now considered your average DVD Burner.  In the previous generation of MacBook you had the option of a Combo Drive (a DVD player/CD burner drive that the PC industry hasn't offered for at least 3 years) or pay for what everyone else was being given essentially for free by Windows notebook manufacturers. Now these "Superdrives" are standard while the mainstream PC industry is handing its customers a Blu-ray drive/DVD Burner (and with a total system cost of about half the price).

3. No More Firewire: None.  No 400. No 800.  Apple has been the biggest preacher of firewire, including it on all of its products until the MacBook Air came out.  It's safe to say they're phasing out the standard they helped make popular.  Now people with FW cameras HDs and other devices can fuck off because Apple said so.

4. Still too expensive:  Starting at $1300 and the white MacBooks only went down $100?  Lame call, Apple.

Then there's the final embarassing item they threw on the market that makes these new MacBooks look like a stroke of genius.  The 24" Cinema Display... It looks just like an iMac and sells for $899 (while for $300 more they could simply have bought the iMac).  It uses a special port, so you can only use it with your MacBook (or whatever other device incorporates this instead of DVI/VGA/HDMI).  And get this... unlike its other line of Cinema Displays, which are made for graphic professionals... this one also comes with a pane of glass covering the LCD.  Glossy... as in... utter shit for contrast and color accuracy!  Nice job guys. Nice job. 

Some of you may well know about my upcoming debate at Florida Atlantic University on the subject of Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Although I had always been interested in the subject, I found it very telling that we even have presidential candidates (all Republican of course) who aren't convinced that evolution is at least a probable explanation for our existence. I thought that surely they must be pandering to the religious fundamentalists of this country for political gain. It worked with Christian homophobia for Bush's campaign, why not another brand of ignorance?  Much to my unfortunate disappointment, I overestimated the intelligence of the American people; a habit I can't seem to break. In multiple polls, a majority of Americans report that they believe God made them in their complete form, rejecting evolution as the plausible explanation for our existence. All of my friends have been trying to convince me that humanity isn't worth the spunk that created it... is this true? 

Let's observe the evidence for America's stupidity. 

Exhibit A:  Americans still can't figure out who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks.  Even today, the latest poll results indicate that about a third of our citizens think Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11.  Although the numbers have been on steady decline from almost half from the beginning of the Iraq War, it just further goes to prove that our ignorance is not only obvious, but published in magazines that anyone from any country can read and find out just how incredibly stupid we are.

Exhibit B: Americans think that it is appropriate to display the Ten Commandments on government property.  Civics lesson anyone?

"When asked in a Feb. 25-27 Gallup Poll* if the Supreme Court should or should not allow the display in Texas, 76% of Americans say the display should be allowed, compared with 21% who say it should not."

Exhibit C: The most watched television shows for the past 7 years.

..>































..>

2000	Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?	ABC
2001	Survivor: The Australian Outback	CBS
2002	Friends	NBC
2003	CSI: Crime Scene Investigation	CBS
2004	CSI: Crime Scene Investigation	CBS
2005	American Idol	Fox
2006	American Idol	Fox
2007	American Idol	Fox

What a surprise....ALL SHIT!

Exhibit D: Visual evidence.. observe...

 (to be continued)

Often atheists are perceived as being hostile and petty toward even the most benign mentions of God or religion. On a few occasions I can agree with this, but what the believer should try to do is place themselves in the position of the atheist. Thankfully for you, the majority of people in the United States are believers with a large proportion of those people being Christian.  However, imagine waking up to a world where you are the religious minority and the government endorses the view opposite yours. 

You travel on your way to work, hoping to find something amusing on the radio. Every station on the lower end of the spectrum invites you to the warm inferno of Hell, but the passionate preacher with a vitriolic Southern drawl informs you ...

"Your misguided path of sobriety and monogamy do the Dark Lord no good... Thank Satan that the right for breeders to marry is not extended to them."

Thanks Jebediah Xavier Luciferoious the 666th!  Upset with the filth that fills the lower recesses of the radio, you finally arrive to your office job in the city and begin to walk into your building when you are approached by a half-crazed hobo telling screaming "Damn you!"  The passersby politely thank him, throw him a few dollars, all with the revised national motto printed on them "In Lucifer We Trust."  In 1954 Senator McKarthy persuaded the government to adopt the phrase to prove to the Communists that we are a nation of faithful people.  In fact, you can't even say the pledge of allegiance in its current incarnation without uttering "Under Satan," but why deny the majority their right to faith? 

But I told Brother Jebediah of your predicament and here's what he had to say:

"You simply are being intolerant of our beliefs!  You can still believe whatever you choose, but we can't guarantee the judge will want you to have the kids should you divorce your "succubus"* because they would clearly want someone who involves their child in the distinguished and moral community of devout people of the Devil.

*[solely allowed because you agreed to let some dude bang you, and someone had to carry the fetus.  Once we figure out the mechanics of "Junior," this tolerance of hetero crap is over.] 

Clearly all [worthwile] morality is founded on the basis of belief in evil!  How do they know you will be a contributing member of society?  You are a sick individual who lacks respect for people of a different belief than you, and if you simply chose to believe in the traditions that shaped our society [even though I can't prove that this is specifically the cause for our progress], you would be a better person. Now excuse me while I go pack my ass with hot coals. "

Don't worry man.  There's this thing called "Separation of Church and State."  Kinda sounds like a good idea now, doesn't it?

On April 17th, 2008, my debate group and I will be debating the following:
Resolved: Intelligent Design (ID) should be taught alongside Evolution in public schools.

Affirmative Team:
1st Affirmative: Cleveland Sainpreux
2nd Affirmative: Edlyna Carter

Negative Team:
1st Negative: John Campbell (me)
2nd Negative: Eric Van Voorhis

This will be a structured debate taking place in the Free Speech Zone (between the Social Sciences building and the GCS building) at Florida Atlantic University at 11:30AM. Instead of the usual preacher condemning everyone to Hell, a discussion of the (in)appropriateness of ID in the classroom will be taking the place of hellfire and brimstone. Each group member is respectful, yet unafraid to attack from whatever perspective necessary. The Affirmative is unashamedly Christian, while the Negative, my team, is a couple of pro-science heathens. We'll try to keep the conversation civil and on topic. Despite our connections to atheism, we're both more concerned about the injection of religious thinking into secular science education rather than debunking illogical religious perspectives.

Official Flyer for the debate: