The night was hot. A bit of humidity streamed across the air. I sat with a bottle of beer in my hand, with a cigarette in the other. It was a great night to spend outside. I was at Bryan's house. His kind hospitality during my time of despair and hopelessness was more than I can ask for. It felt good that I was surrounded by someone other than my family. I didn't want to be with my family. It was confusing how to deal with a death of my grandmother but I didn't want to be reminded of the ordeal either. I wanted and needed to get away as much as possible.

Being near the city of Los Angeles was the only escape I can do at the time. Phone calls from my cousins were not something I can ignore. The last thing I want is to abandon my closest cousins from their need for emotional support. They are like siblings to me. They were raised by my grandmother as much as she raised me, and we shared a lot of memories together as childhood friends under the hands of a loving woman. No one can and could've loved us as much as she did.

I was naïve to think that getting away 12 miles from home would be a "get away." But in a way it was good for me to not have to face my family. I had nothing against them in anyway but I just wanted to live my life like it was different. I wanted to live my life like nothing happened to significantly change my view about life and death. I wanted to be ignorant, and be blissful. I was tired of crying about the person I lost. I was crying for the past week, since she died, and I didn't want to spend this week crying either.

Everything was in chaos. Nothing felt like it was going in a straight line. Everyone was distorted around me and I just wanted something to be clear. I wanted the blurry vision to go away; I wanted something to be in full detail. I was still outside; my cigarette burned all the way to the end without me even realizing it. I guess as much as I didn't want to think at the time, I still did. I was bored waiting for Bryan's friends to get done what they were doing. Yes, they were at it again. Inside that same bathroom I used that morning to shower in, smoking Meth. I am not much of a health nut but drugs are something I didn't touch. I didn't even drink much until the past week. I used to drink a lot during school but I started to get tired of that ill feeling you get after you drink. It was even more of a deal for me since I had really low tolerance to alcohol. It must be that Asian blood inside me. I didn't even want to begin to find out what would happen if I joined Bryan's friends in the bathroom. As much as I didn't care what happened to me at that time of my life, or cared how sick I got after drinking, I still didn't touch the Meth that dangled right in front of me like a carrot in front of a donkey. It was calling me, it was telling me that smoking that drug would make everything disappeared. I guess subconsciously I still did care about my life and my well being.

I put the bottle of beer down on the ground and saw a small dog crossing the street towards me. I wasn't fearful of it biting me or anything. It was a small dog after all. I kind of sat there in a daze watching it. It was for the first time in a while that I clearly saw this dog. There were no distortions or blurs. It was almost like a movie on pause. It stopped time around me. This dog was so clear to me. I just stared at it for a while until I came to my senses wondering why this dog came to me and just stood there. It was silly for me to even talk to him. I felt like I was talking to myself.

"Why are you here?" I asked the dog.

The dog just looked at me, tilting its head a little bit. "Are you hungry?" I asked again. I got up slowly and just stared at it. It didn't even move or get scared after I got up. It just stood there silently.

"I have nothing to give you. I'm sorry. You don't want my beer do you?"

I was contemplating to have another cigarette but that contemplation turned into reality as I sat next to the dog for a while longer. I gently rubbed its head and it gently stood there, letting me touch him. He was clean, didn't smell, and didn't seem like a stray dog. But he had no color or signs of ownership so it was a mystery to me where this dog came from. He looked like Benji, from the movie of that heroic dog in the mountains. It was cute, but the curiosity of why this dog decides to just stand still next to me boggled my mind. I stood up after my cigarette and walked back towards Bryan's apartment room. I said my good bye's to the dog but only to find that he followed me all the way down the side hall of the apartment.

"Why are you following me?" I asked the dog.

It was silly that I was talking to the dog like it can understand me, but I was really confused as to why this dog just wants to follow me. I wasn't his owner; I didn't even have any food. I walked towards the door, with the dog following me. I opened the door, turned around and signaled the dog that I didn't have anything to give him.

"I'm sorry, I don't have anything."

I slowly walked back inside and left the dog. He stood there still without following me this time as I watched it looking at me closing the door.

It was about three hours into the night when I craved for another cigarette. The alcohol was kicking in and I was getting a bit tipsy. I opened the front door, putting on my shoes half away. I then realized that the dog was still outside. Standing in the same spot he stood before I left him.

"You're still here?!" I thought.

I started to walk outside to the same spot I had my cigarette earlier. The dog again followed me slowly like I was his owner. I sat down as it sat next to me. I was amazed at how comfortable he was near me.

"What do you want from me pooch?" I said. "I'm not your owner. I can't take you home with me. I am sorry. I don't even have food to give you."

The dog just stared at me with his body laid down the asphalt. Its black eyes stared at me, but not with a cold stare but a passionate stare. It was a weird feeling to experience. I felt like it was truly listening to what I have to say.

"Do you have a family pooch?"

I lit my cigarette and watched him watch me. I couldn't help to not notice it. Even if I felt like I wanted to ignore it, I couldn't. It wouldn't stop looking at me. It then rolled over once, only to lie on its stomach again.

"You're a small girl puppy aren't you?" I asked.

I rubbed her head again. Her hair was soft, well taken care of. I really wish I knew who the owners were so I can take her home. I realized that this dog was so beautiful; it would be a shame to be left out in the streets as a stray dog.

"Where is your home?"

I was hoping the dog would get up and start using her nose to smell her way back home. But she just laid there next to me.

"I'm sorry again. I really don't have any food to give you right now. I don't even know why you are here with me. I can't take care of you. I can't even take care of myself. I don't even know who loves me and who doesn't. You're hanging out with the wrong guy. I don't even think I can love an animal right now."

It raised her head a little bit then raised it back down to her original prone position…

That morning I woke up on Bryan's couch. He slept in front of the T.V, with beer bottles surrounding him. I went to the restroom and found traces of drugs all over the sink. I was careful not to touch anything and just did my deed. The night was weird. I was up pretty late only to see if the dog was still sitting outside the door. The dog laid next to the door by the door mat every time I checked on her. Every time I opened that door, she raised her head to greet me with a stare. I eventually realized the dog was not leaving anytime soon and fell asleep on the couch. After the restroom, I was very curious about the dog. I opened the front door only to realize that she was still there. It was staring back at me again with an occasional yawn.

"Wow… you're still here." I whispered.

I squat down on the ground to pet her. She was gentle and licked my fingers.

Shortly after, I decided to get some food. I walked out of Bryan's apartment and went down the street to a local burger joint. The dog followed me of course. She just followed me and didn't even wander off for a second. She followed right behind me, no matter which path I took. If I walked a bit faster, she walked a bit faster. It was almost like she knew my exact path I was about to take. It was almost like she read the future. She was synchronized with every pace I took.

I decided to get about three burgers and a drink and sat outside Bryan's apartment to eat it. I fed her small chunks of my burgers because I was starting to feel sorry for the poor dog. She didn't eat the whole time she's been following me around and sat outside the apartment.

"You know, I'm usually creative with names but… I'm just going to call you Benji."

The dog stared blankly.

"It's a boy puppies name in a movie, but you can be the girl version. I can call you Benji 2.0 if you want?"

I ate my last piece of my burger. "I am a dork, I know…"

The dog became more and more comfortable with me as time went on. Bryan thought the whole thing was weird. He even tried to shoo it away but it didn't even move an inch. It seemed like the dog was not afraid of anything. He told me I shouldn't feed the dog since it would just keep coming back for more but I couldn't help it. Especially when every time I walked to get food it would follow me.

A whole 3 days went by with this dog just sitting out by the door without a dog house, or a box to sit on. We didn't want to own the dog so we had to do our best to try to ignore it. I went out and put water in a plastic bowl to give it some water everyday but that was it. I did not want to put a food dish out there. This wasn't my apartment and I can't do whatever I want. Whenever Bryan and I did not go out, I sat outside once a while with the dog. I talked to her like it was a person. But in a weird way it was comforting to let my feelings out. I talked to her about my grandmother, and how I felt about her death. I talked to her about how I was feeling and how numb I was. I couldn't even release my emotions anymore. I didn't know how to cope with it.

"She was so important to me Benji. How can god take her away?"

One time during my solo conversation with Benji, she sat between my legs and just stared at me. It occasionally licked my fingers as I put my hand out. I was in a lot of pain, but this dog was patient to listen to it all. Here I was, trying not to think about my grandmother's death, yet talking to a damn dog about it. I couldn't and didn't really talk to Bryan about it. He knew why I was out here in LA without going home. But I barely met the guy during my escape and I wasn't that comfortable about getting all emotional with him. I have an easier time talking to females about my feelings so maybe that is what blocked me from expressing myself. The best thing about me talking to Benji was that there was no consequence for whatever I said. Even if the things I said were something completely wrong, I didn't have to worry.

It was the 5th day since Benji came up to me that one night. It felt like there was a reason for all this. Maybe it was to help me keep my sanity. I wasn't sure but it felt like it was fate for Benji to find me. I was contemplating myself to take it home with me but I wasn't sure. I don't want to take this dog with me when it belonged to someone else. It was too clean and pet looking to be a stray. I was almost sure someone owned this cute dog.

I went outside the 5th day to find Benji sitting by the door waiting for me. I was going to feed him burgers once again. Maybe I should buy a small bag of dog food and feed him something better for him. But I knew that Bryan would not be keen to the idea and again it wasn't my apartment. I was already thankful that he was letting me stay there during my escape. I didn't want to have to pay for a motel room every single night for myself. Even though I probably would have gone home by now if that was the case. I didn't want to sleep in my car like I did the first night. Maybe that doesn't count because I was so drunk I practically passed out in my car, only to find the dawn greet me with its sunlight.

I was at a point where I would be a bit sad if Benji did not lay or sat by the door. But that wasn't the case. Benji was a loyal dog to me already and sat by the door every night. As soon as I walked out the door, Benji got up to follow me.

"I'll get you some burgers again okay?" I said to her.

I crossed the street, knowing Benji is behind me. At that moment, again, everything was so clear to me. I heard the pigeons fly over me. I heard its wings flapping above my head. I saw a gardener in the distance trimming a bush. I saw the sunlight blocking my view, with everything coming to a stop. I heard a violent ruckus…

I turned around, and saw a brown minivan speed behind me. It went through the street like a bullet, with no sight to stop. And there she was, Benji, on the side of the road flat on its side.

I ran to her, crossing the street without even looking for cars that can hit me. I ran to her as fast as I could. I couldn't believe it. This was surreal to me now. Benji was real. Everything was so clear when Benji was with me.

I grabbed Benji in my arms and laid her down by the grass. Her blood smeared my sweater but I didn't care. I never liked touching anything dead but I just did not care at that moment in time.

"Benji?" I yelled.

"Benji? Are you okay? Please, I am sorry, I should've been more careful. I don't own a pet so I don't know how to take care of a dog. I'm sorry." I yelled again.

I took out my cell phone out my pocket to dial the Humane Society. It made me go through all the automated bullshit to finally reach someone that actually breathed the same air I did. I told them about what happened and they told me they would send someone out here to pick the dog up. I kept repeating myself over and over requesting that the dog gets treated and not put to sleep. They stated that they will determine that based on the injury.

I got out my keys, so I can be ready to follow the Humane Society to wherever it's taking it to.

"Benji, help is coming okay? You hang in there for me."

I picked her up in my arms and held it to keep it warm. I put my sweater around it. I didn't know how to take care of a dying dog, but I did whatever came to mind. It was better than me sitting there watching it die. I did not want it to die. I actually grew custom to her being next to me. Benji stared at me while I held her in my arms. I put my finger to her mouth to see if she would lick it. She licked my fingers like she always did, and it made me feel a bit relieved. I felt a bit of hope inside me.

"Benji, I know you don't understand me, but I am thankful you listened to me talk about my feelings. You were my release the whole week. I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now."

I waited impatiently for the Humane Society to come. I hated every second of it. Where the fuck were they? I felt a jolt in Benji's body, which made me give my full attention to her instead of looking around for the Humane Society truck.

"Benji?" I whispered. I realized she wasn't breathing.

"Benji??"

I put my finger to her mouth only to find my fingers without her lick, only to find my fingers feeling nothing but breeze.

"Benji! Come on open your eyes for me. Benji! Please! Talk to me!"

I couldn't stop crying. I thought I was done crying for a while but tears flowed down my face like it was never going to end.

"BENJI! Please don't die!! Not you too. Please don't fucking die on me! You listened to me; you made me feel a bit clear, you made me feel like I wasn't numb for a while. PLEASE!"

I screamed and cried, gripping the dog in my arms tight. For a good while I didn't think about my grandmother, and just wanted to this dog to live. I never owned a pet before, but I had a strong connection with this dog already. I wanted to take it home with me. I never felt like this.

"BENJI!"

Benji helped me be sane. Benji helped me release. Perhaps my grandmother stayed down in earth for an extra week to make sure I am okay. Perhaps my grandmother just borrowed a body to make sure I go home. I am not much of a religious person but the last stare Benji gave me told me to go home.

That night I went home.

P.S - Benji, thank you and I will always remember you.

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

I launched an attack (a book called Depereo) with the help of a few people against a selected few in this world. Many requested that they wanted to read what inspired the book that came out in November. Source poetry from Depereo exclusively first on myspace:

============
Your Fire
============

Living in your shadow
Just underneath your skin
Flipping through the times
we spent under the stars

Promised me you stay here
Give me chances I deserve
But you ignited fire
And blew it all away

Let me breathe!
Your fire suffocating
me in dreams
Your fire suffocates
me in my sleep

You kept me under silence
Are you waiting to betray?
You ignored my phone calls
Hoping I would ash away

Every time you did this
I want to kill myself
I will whisper your name
burning on the floor

Let me breathe!
Your fire suffocating
me in dreams
Your fire suffocating
me in dreams
Your fire suffocates
me in my sleep
Waiting till I burn out
Let me breathe!
Let me breathe!

Burn
I'll burn for you

Living in your shadow
Underneath your skin
Flipping through the times
we spent under the stars

Let me breathe!
Your fire suffocating
me in dreams
Your fire suffocating
me in dreams
Your fire suffocates
me in my sleep
Waiting till I burn out
Let me breathe!
Let me breathe!

Made me burn
Made me burn
Made me burn

Burn

===========
Ferris
===========

If I need to
I would stand in
front of a bullet
If it means that I get to see you
Can I see you?

What if I did?
Would you say this night is the last time
that I'll hold you tight
Can I feel you?

Someone is inside your head
I can see it through your eyes
I will sit alone this time
on our ferris wheel ride
You tell me, you're not ready

I will lay here,
Think of the door
that has closed off
Your heart not found
Can I find you?

Just to find out
you can't fall in love
And I don't mind,
but can I ask, 'Can I see you?'
Can I see you?

Someone is inside your head
I can see it through your eyes
I will sit alone this time
on our ferris wheel ride

As I lay my pain to rest
To you its another day
I will sit alone this time
on our ferris wheel ride
You tell me, you're not ready

Desperately I wait
Listening for your
phone calls
Seeking anyone,
What are things to come?

Someone is inside your head
I can see it through your eyes
I will sit alone this time
on our ferris wheel ride

As I lay my pain to rest
To you its another day
I will sit alone this time
on our ferris wheel ride

==============
Good Bye
==============

Do you remember what I said?
When I told you that I'm content
If you found that somebody else
Happy now? You happy now?
My heart is gone
My heart is gone

To buy your heart
I sold my soul
Time and sleep,
that you have stole
The thoughts of you
still way up high
Tonights the night
To say good bye
My heart is gone
My heart is gone

Good bye
Good bye
Good bye


==============
No Existence
==============

There I lay,
crying that night you left
You were dead, many times I've denied
Easy to find myself
Harder to find you now

I believed in you
I have showed you things
But life will go on without
your existence in me

Please stay long
In my world for long

Said goodbye, as I stood here denying
Your lie
As I stared right down in your eye
Making bets with your heart this good night

Tumbling, finding the way to you
Feeding the love and mind
Hoping that you can find

I believed in you
I have showed you things
But life will go on without
your existence in me

Please kiss me
In my world for long

Said goodbye, as I stood here denying
Good byes
As I stared right down in your eye
Making bets with your heart this good night

Go on.

Said goodbye, as I stood here denying
Good bye
As I stared right down in your eye
Making bets with your heart this good night

Go on.


==============
Dead Love Parade
==============

Dead Love Parade


You heard me crying
back when I needed you
Too late, you can't come inside
Became so nothing
There's no line in between
Time's up, get off your knees

I'm nothing
I'm no one
Your dead parade
He's something
He's someone
Your love parade
You don't fucking need me anymore
I'm a dead machine
I'm nothing
marching through your parade
Dead parade

To cry for something
I know I never had
Abuse inside and out
He's all, you said it
Too bad you broke too high
Too late, I can't turn back time

I'm nothing
I'm no one?
Your dead parade
He's something
He's someone
Your love parade
You don't fucking need me anymore
I'm a dead machine
I'm nothing
marching through your parade
Dead parade

You don't need me anymore

I'm nothing
I'm no one
Your dead parade
He's something
He's someone
Your love parade
You don't fucking need me anymore
I'm a dead machine
I'm nothing
marching through your parade
I'm nothing
marching through your parade
Dead parade

================
Cards of Love
================

So sick of me crying
Tasting my tears
Leaving me for him
What good did he just do?

Playing my heart like
deck of cards in your hands
Not ready for this or...
do you want him?
It's so pity

Can you even say you loved me?
Can you even say you loved me now?
Can you even say you loved me all long?
Bidding for his heart now?

Cold hearted till the end
Weren't you there?
Or were you too busy
How to hang up with me?

But your soul has gone drowning
With guilt and the shame
All our memories wasted
Can you taste it?
Does it matter?

Can you even say you loved me?
Can you even say you loved me now?
Can you even say you loved me all long?
Bidding for his heart now?

Bidding for his heart now?

Can you even say you loved me?
Can you even say you loved me now?
Can you even say you loved me all long?
Can you even say you loved me?
Can you even say you loved me now?
Can you even say you loved me all long?
Bidding for his heart now?

================
The Girl Inside the Computer
================

I am in love with you
I don't know what you look like
I am in love with you
I live for the mind

Right now it's all just words
Right now it's all a dream
Just like text
Text me that you love me
Love me for longer

Oh hey baby, don't you ever log
Oh hey baby, don't you ever log off and just
finish what you started

I love these zero ones
I don't know what you look like
I love these zero ones
Please don't log off on me

Every second
I am online
Every second
Your words are spoken
Every second
I see you on
Don't let our digital love die

So don't get yourself in situations
So don't get yourself in situations
Where sex just isn't too real
Isn't too real
Did you forget your dream?
Isn't real
Did you forget your dream?
Isn't real
Did you forget your dream?

Come on into my heart gently
(Even though I don't want it )
Come on into my heart gently
(Even though I don't want it )

I'm not in love with you
I don't know what you look like
I'm not in love with you, yeah
Not no more
There...
Not no more

I think it's my sickness that is making me be fantastically sarcastic and a smart ass to everyone including my family members and close friends. I can feel this pressure in my sinus, and picture this huge fortress of snot that invaded all the space that I have in there. And I swear, sometimes I feel like there is just bunch of bikers having gay sex in there because i get this pounding sinus headache to go with it. It's been a shitty shitty week. I have a lot of work to do and I haven't been able to really get into it because of this damn cold.

So the first night that I was sick, and I believe that was a Tuesday, I went to bed pretty damn early, like 10:30ish, only to get woken up 30 minutes later by a sound of a neighbor that lives behind us cutting a 2x4 wood in their backyard. Wait lets rewind back a bit. Did I mention I went to bed at 10:30"PM". Oh forgot the PM part. So I immediate said WTF????  Who the fuck uses power tools at 11PM at night? And after a while I start hearing staple guns. So I was sick, irritated and pissed off and that late night tool time session kept going on for a LONG TIME. Now it's 1:45 and they are still going at it. This is when I said "that's it", picked up my phone and called the cops. I sent the cops over to their house, saw the lights, problem solved.


What a bunch of assholes...

this blows.. i am sick again. i just got done getting sick like in may and its back again...

guess what? i woke up today and found myself in another place