Let’s play.......

RULES: There are none!

Tell me a childhood memory that puts a smile to your face.

Ask me something you would think I would be afraid to answer.

Tell me if there is a difference between fate and destiny.

If you can, tell me your worst fear.

{Here: I will offer mine.}

~I can not even begin to describe the fear I feel, when I think of the day my mother will die. I can not count the number of nights this has kept me awake, and caused me to shed tear after tear. I see no life before me, if my mother is not in it. I have no doubt in my mind, I will quit life.

If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? [Do not hold my feelings in concern, when you answer this. I am the one asking you what you think. I am prepared for the answers.]

Honestly, what describes your soulmate?

Do you believe in karma, and if so....why?

What is the greatest feeling in the entire world....to you?

What is your biggest flaw?

{Here again, I will offer mine.}

~I put to much expectations in others, and what I think they should do, act, or feel. This makes me a negative person towards all.

If you were to get to relive one day of your life over......[no changes]....which day would that be?

Last, If you could give up one potential dream....to change something in your past.....would you?

*I would really enjoy responses to this....I will return the favor....if you wish to hear it!

I walk the earth viewing life with a tinted hue. Details blurred into the background, the only visible sight is formed within my very own mind. I add the colors I want, and I place the emphasis on what I specifically wish to focus on. A selfish world I have created...yes. But, it’s about damn time. Pleasure in the moments I wish to remember and capture. Captured and placed in an easily accessible part of my mind. These are the moments I wish to re-view twenty, thirty, or forty years down the winding road. Are they the greatest moments of my life in another’s view? No, they wouldn’t be to the average eye. They are within my own focus and clarity......I have adapted them to myself. Made them the moments I wished for them to be. Is it a lie? It can’t be. Why you ask? My vivid imagination has easily mislead my life before, but now... Now I see through eyes that only wish for my uttermost happiness. They care for me. They want me to succeed. They adjust the images to be pleasing to my eye. They correct the negatives and allow the proofs to be absolutely breathtaking. These images may represent some of the most damaging and character building times of my life.....but looking at them through my tented eyes....allows me to appreciate the sacrifice and determination I have invested in my time here. The truest form that could be viewed. You ask why I place the details in the background?. It is a humble place for them to be. They are the most important part of my picture, but I do not wish to remember just my sacrifices and troubled decisions. I wish to remember the achievement, the beautiful strong woman, and the heart that grew and grew along the way. For those are the goals, the accomplishments, the prideful moments, the autobiography I wish to write. Those details step behind the emphasized moment, and watch in appreciation. Viewing my life in it’s selfish tint, has allowed me to grow in my humbleness and for that.....I will forever live for the better.

Quietly I have been searching my soul. Searching for what, I have no answer. The journey itself was calling, and for once I listened. Some parts are exciting, some parts are ever so pathetic, and some parts are very complex.

We will start with the exciting......basically because it is the easiest to express. I found excitement in actually being able to discover a part of the "me," I have searched relentlessly for an odd number of years to discover. On my first encounter with myself I was more then shocked at the aging girl-turned woman that stared back at me. Her expression was quit clear. The view of impatience sent waves of her displeasure bouncing all around me. She didn’t have to open her mouth, her presence spoke more words then her mouth could dare try. As tall as five foot one inches could seem, she stood it. Each strand of her coal colored hair was in place, and every bit of the cosmetics applied to her face acknowledged the doings of an expert. Her attire was conservative -sexy. Something in which most of the female population can not pull off. The classic black knee-length dress thrown together with her zebra print three inch heels would proceed to turn everyone’s head. It wasn’t necessarily the outfit that would turn heads, but the presentation by the one in possession of the clothing. She walked modestly, with a slight hint of devil. Devil in that, she wasn’t all smiles and laughter. As soon as her smile faded, her lips slightly parted, she would stare right through you. The singe from her sinful eyes, could bring every fantasy you ever had to the forefront of your mind. She no longer deny’s her beauty. Fact is, she despises it at times. She is more intimidating, then the Klu Klux Klan riding through the streets of Harlem. Why such power in her stare, why such intimidation in her gaze, and why so much left to question upon one meeting of her? After asking this of her, she gave a simple reply: "I gained the power from experience of the good and the bad, I intimidate because I know exactly what I want, and you are left with questions because you want the satisfaction I have discovered." Once more she spoke. "Alicia dear, that is why you are here. Late as usual, but at least you finally made it. Keep on your long journey and do not stray. You are enduring the experience, you are figuring out what you want, and soon Alicia, you will see me again......but we will meet in the mirror."

After she vanished from my dream...epiphany....fantasy.....who the hell knows, I was sent down the reminiscing road. First thought...."Oh just lovely." I hated experiencing most of this as it happened....why in the hell am I back again? Apparently, she didn’t vanish....I could still her voice...full of clarity and wisdom. "Alicia...you are here once again to collect your knowledge. You do possess the wisdom to fight your present battles, but you must resurrect the experiences that birthed your wisdom. Listen child....listen!" I am omitting the realization of the wisdom I had obtained in my past presently, because it is extremely personal. Entranced in this section of realization are my most pathetic experiences, my lowest of lows, and my heartbreaking moments. To put them to voice would allow me to be vulnerable, and at this present time I can not bear that burden.

I moved on once again. Here lay a set of the most complex decisions, I have ever had to make. To list them would open up the vulnerability listed previously. I have now decided that this is a puzzle. A piece of life I experienced as a child is offering the wisdom to decide a small portion of my complexities in my present life. Using that as an example to all the others, I have a very large puzzle to put together. Never being a fan of puzzles as a kid, this is not so exciting.

However, I am in it to win it. I no longer hear her voice, and in some ways that scares me. Am I so far off my trail to discovering myself, that she can no longer be heard? Or, am I am growing closer to the woman I am supposed to be? A woman who has dealt with and overcome everything life has thrown at her. Yet still she possesses a smile and a sense of understanding. I guess the only way for me to answer this question....is to go take a long hard look in the mirror. Will she be staring back at me with her remembered smile, or will I be staring at a poor soul who has eternally lost her way?