There are a lot of books, websites, and other "sources" which feature "warning sign" phrases and so forth for both guys and girls. Most of them are hokey cliches even the writer has never heard; s/he just cribbed the list from a bunch of stuff s/he read in Cosmo or heard on sit-coms and the people who wrote those articles and TV shows got them from somewhere else, too.

Does anyone really get nervous when their date mentions marriage or says she'd like to have children one day? Unless she's staring right at you and blinking heavily when she says it, I feel safe in speaking for at least 99.7% of us when I say, "No."

But that is not to say there are no "warning" phrases - things that, if you hear them, pucker your lips more tightly than your other hole is already puckered - because there most certainly are. That is why I have compiled the following list of "red alert" phrases I have personally heard/overheard - what Dr. Phil calls "dealbreakers." (As in: "You can't take the horse to the market if the duck won't lay eggs - I mean, am I right, people? That there's a dealbreaker!")

• So... do you have a girlfriend?
• Is she your girlfriend?
• Why don't you have a girlfriend?
• Where's your girlfriend?
• Is that what your girlfriend does?
• You promise no one's going to bust through the door and kick my ass?
• I don't do that.
  
• Do you just not want a girlfriend?
• I hate children; I wish they were all dead.
• I love children; I want to have 50 or 20 or nine.
• I fucking hate you.
  
• I think I love you.
• Fine, whatever - just hurry up.
• I've seen smaller.
• My brother's is like that, too.
• If you did have a girlfriend...
• She's your girlfriend, isn't she?
• Don't lie.
• You don't have to answer this, but...
• No, it's my fault...
• I'll pay; I need to get rid of all these ones.
• I work from home.
• I only have to work like two or three nights a week.
• I have to be in California that day.
• I have to be in Hawaii that day.
• I have to be in Prague that day.
• Have you ever had a girlfriend?
• It isn't that I don't do that, I'm just tired of it.
• He's not really my boyfriend.
  
• She's not really my girlfriend.
• I dated a girl once.
• I can't buy anymore cold medicine for, like, six months.
• I have to be in court that day.
• I don't know who the father is.
• I know who the father is, he's just like, crazy.
• We broke up because he was too jealous.
• We broke up because she was too jealous.
• I've never even heard of that.
• It isn't that I've never heard of that, I'm just tired of it.
• I was a different person back then...
• I only use water-based lubricants.
• Hang on, I have some condoms.
• That's not how you hold a pipe!
• It's not like I don't have a place to stay, it's just...
• Do you know what a "Dirty Sanchez" is?
  
• We broke up because he carries a gun.
• We broke up because her brother is in a gang.
• I don't "read."
• I don't know much about Art, but I know what I like...
• I don't watch TV.
• That's like something Chuck Palahniuk would write...
• You know, that's not what that word means.
• Can my brother join us?
• It's not that I can't pay my light bill, it's just...
• Are you sure you haven't seen me before?
  

The list is actually quite a bit longer, but those are the ones that lead. While I would imagine many of these work the other way, certain words would have to be changed. Of course, they mean the same thing: run like hell!

I began compiling this list when I was younger; in my advanced age, I have learned to overlook certain things. But I still don't date strippers (I do still fuck them, though).

It's been a while since I added anything here - even longer before then. Actually, I blog for a living - or what passes for "a living" - so blogging "just for fun" is so, like... non-profitable. I just don't have the time, especially once you add in all the time I spend doing nothing.

Still, it's also been a while since I "dated" anyone and I have been rather lonely as late. Or maybe it's "horny"? No matter, seeing as how I tend to run them off shortly after meeting them (intentionally or otherwise), I figured a more direct approach would work better - both for me and any potential mates. So I set about determining a more date-friendly profile.

As all we MySpacers know, one's tagline is oh-so important in setting the right tone and atmosphere. And since I am looking to fuck a whole lot of really fun, party chicks meet a shitload of hot chicks beautiful, stable woman, I figured the direct route needed to start there. These, then, are some of the taglines I have thus far rejected:

• I will totally fuck you... probably
• I will probably fuck you... totally
• Fat chicks [rejected largely because code is not allowed]
• No fat chicks
• Chicks who have done bukkake need (loads of) love, too
• 3am? Club closed? Still rolling? Call me!
• If you own more than four pair of platform heels, call me!
• Not opposed to chicks with more than 4 kids, so long as they have fewer than five or six fathers (collectively)
• You're only six-inches (and one Friend Request) away...
• I am here to bang as many broads as possible [changed several times, but I'm starting to think synonyms are not the problem]
• Marry me; I can't clean!
• "Barefoot and pregnant" is no way to go through life. "Drunk and stupid"? Call me!
• Relax. It won't work-out anyway.
• I won't tell your boyfriend, either!
• I won't tell your girlfriend, either!
• I know what to do with all those singles you just made
• You make money online, too?
• STOP LOOKING AT ME!
• Already pregnant? ...
• Wat up, bitchez? [That one apparently works]

In the end, I determined that none of it really mattered anyway, as I tend to attract impossibly good-looking chicks and I have to be the High-Maintenance one in any relationship.

Plus, chicks who read threaten me.

I don't know how many of you are interested in it, I know some of you are comics and RPG enthusiasts like myself, but most of you are not. Even if you aren't though, you might be thinking about starting your own website or blog or whatever, so you might dig on this a little.

I posted a few links to some of the stuff I'm working on for the site. The actual, finished material will be hung (published/"go live") Halloween. This is just a tradition I started when The Weirding first went live because I knew I was going to be around that night to give out candy. Even though the site has barely half the number of visitors we used to (it's my fault because I've moved so often and haven't republished the content on time) and I've gotten a grand total of maybe a dozen trick-or-treaters in the last two years, I decided to stick with it just in case.

Anyway, I thought you might dig seeing some WIPs. And make sure to check back at the end of the month to see the finished products!

I took my RealAge test today (I got paid to do it) and it said my "Real Age" is 45!

Now, not for nothing, but seeing as how stress and anxiety is part of what's making me "older," how do you figure this worked out for me? But I digress...

It said I need more vitamin C and E, needed to exercise more, cut down on the smoking, yaddyadda, but one of the bigger things was how I needed more friends and family time.

Except that I don't really like anyone.

So I figured it was time I wrote another blog post here and at least tried to reach out to my "friends" and stuff.

So... like. What are you douchebags doing?

What? Oh, I mean what are y'all douchebags doing? Heh. Yeah, I'm Southern - no need to go gettin' too big for mah britches, right?

What?

Oh!

Well? Why do I hardly ever hear from anyone unless I owe them money? How do I know so many hot chicks but haven't been laid in like a month of Sundays? When's the last time anyone bought me a drink or dinner or asked how my day was!?

Fucking douchebags! You're all so busy with your "working" and your "families" and your... jobs... your Bob Seger 8-track tapes and Pac-Man video games... I need a cigarette. All this "social time" is giving me a fucking headache. Great, there goes my blood pressure.

I HOPE YOU'RE ALL PROUD OF YOURSELVES!

Obviously I made it through surgery, though I don't recall much of it.

I have a better pic on another computer, but it's all the way down the hall and I have to hook up the phone and dial-in to upload it, so it will have to wait until tomorrow (at least) - and I'm about to go to bed. But I wanted you to see the club-fisted... fist. I now have.

The Pimp Hand. Bitches.

Well, after months - and I do mean months - I managed to score some pretty good-looking pussy.

I wanted a female and already had it figured out: no matter what it answered to or anything else, I was going to call it "Maisey." However, given the turn of events, I have settled - right this moment - for "Leopold." Most likely "Leopold Katzchen." But I am not 100% certain.  I'll look up some names shortly.

But, being a guy and all, I had to let everyone know.

So I wake up the other day and go about my way, only to find I have no sugar.  I knock on the neighbor's door, borrow a cup of sugar and set about my way.  Only to find I have run out of coffee (well, I had some, just not enough for a real pot), so I knock on yet another neighbor's door and she gives me a whole bag because her husband just died and she doesn't drink it.  So I set about my way, with both coffee and sugar at-hand.

But my coffeepot doesn't brew.

I clean it, shake it, change outlets, etc.  Nothing.

It's been something like four days now that I have been more or less without caffeine and I'm here to tell ya, folks: that shit is a drug!

I am living in a waking dream.

I really didn't even put the pieces together until today; I was thirsty and it hit me that I haven't had a cup of coffee in nearly a week!  Coffee, like cigarettes, is simply a part of my very life - like masturbation and drug-addicted neighbors.

So, here I sit, unable to sleep, knowing I need to be lying down - washing dishes, going through stacks of papers that need filing, reading any one of the 234097234986 magazines I get each month - pretty much anything besides blogging my largely pointless existence to an audience of mostly merely acquaintances who may or may not one day hold me liable for something I may or may not have blogged, but what can I do?

I've hit that "in-between" stage where I'm too wired to sleep and too tired to do anything productive.

It certainly doesn't make it any easier to cut-down on smoking.  Being flat-broke does, though, so I guess I'm covered.

And I suddenly want to fuck Barbie.  Well, that's not so sudden - I mean, who doesn't want to bang Barbie?  That's a no-brainer.

No, I tell you who I'd fuck - straight-up: Lil Debbie.

No kidding.  I'd hit that shit so hard, so long, so well, so often that she'd be doe-eyed everytime I walked in the room!  Well, not too well; I wouldn't want her to lose her ambition to cook.

And I'm not low-browed enough to go for the "fudge round" jokes... yet.  Another few hours and I might be.

Okay, I literally have to do something... here's to hoping you all are having a better night than I.  And to you, Lil Debbie, wherever you are.

So here I am, watching Las Vegas and just kicking it, reading the morning's news and getting ready to get down to business, when the cable goes out.  It's windy here and this is not exactly an unusual occurrence - nowhere near unusual enough, anyway.  So I figure, "Ah well, at least I have high-speed access now; I'll just turn on the Internet radio and chill for a bit until it comes back on..."

You get where this is going, right?

No, I won't just turn on the Internet radio because I have a cable modem!!!  Luckily - and this is really why I kept it - I still have dial-up.  I called them the other night to find out about keeping my e-mail account once I cancel the services and started to have it shut off then, but since I was trying to set up this home network, I decided I would wait a week or two just in case I accidentally fouled everything up or something.  Call it Fate or Divine Intervention, or even Serendipity - I mean, the way I see it, does it really need a name?  Whatever you call it, however you define it, I'm just very lucky right now...

Speaking of which, before I even finished this, the cable came back on!  Rock right the hell on!  What will I do with all this luck?

I figure I'll buy a lottery ticket and hit the shake junt.  I could use an entire six-pack of pussy right about now.