I was driving down 83 to my job in Mechanicsburg this morning finishing up a pretty vulgar rock song.. "fuck like a beast" by Wasp.. yea an oldie from the 90s.  And then I turned on "Like a Boss" by the Lonely Island.. which part of the song talks about "fucking a giant fish's brains out in the sewer."

Anyway I was singin pretty loud and my cell phone goes off in my pocket for some reason it answered it self and I find out someone was listening to me sing for like 3 minutes.

They called me back around lunch time, it was a job offer, and the girl on the other end was laughing saying I made her day and she was listening to me sing over speaker phone in her office for couple minutes.  I said OMG thats embarassing.  She said "no man you really were rocking pretty good, it was fun."

Eh the job turned out to be around 20 bucks an hour but only a month long contract which I do not need to lose my current job over and be out on the street again in a month.

I said was great to talk to her anyway and maybe she can join me next time and sing along with me in the car.

haha

You will be missed. We spent the last 4 years together on a Friday or Monday night gripping to the seat of our couch wondering what would happen next. You made it out of many a tight situation, and you finally got the girl in the end..

But sadly you succumed to your brain tumor, or was it something else they wont release until the extra DVD comes out?

Yes Prision Break, my second favorite show next to 24 is over, and they killed off the main character in the end... leaving his woman with a baby. Nice one Fox.

I bet you opened this blog expecting to read about some friend who died of a drug overdose or had a bad moped accident. But see I dont really have any friends so I have to write about TV deaths.

The 24 Season Finale is on Monday, and Jack Bauer is in the "process" of dying from a bio weapon that he was exposed too. I hope he is not killed off as well, or I will be pissed and refrain from watching FOX ever again.

The only other show I watch is Sunday night, Breaking Bad about a school teacher who is a secret meth dealer.

Fun stuff.

I have not dreamed much lately.. due to being so tired most likely.

 I dreamt this morning I was in school, looking for my kids and went to wait for them outside...
  
  A teacher came up to me and said Mr. Jumper, your wife already picked the kids up.
 
  I commented, we were no longer married, she apologized and I walked off alone to who knows where.

  I felt lost in the crowd of strangers, and walked until I came to a swimming pool.

  As I came up upon the pool, I noticed a group of young people with white skin, black hair, eye shadow,
   appeared to be goth, but realized were either a group of vampires or role play vampires.

  I was pushed into the water and two of them attempted to drown me.

   I just allowed myself to sink into the water, awaiting my death.

  As I reached my arm to the surface in the struggle one last time, a hand grasped mine and pulled me out of the pool.

  It was my ex wife, though she looked much younger as I remember her from when we were kids.

 She came to my rescue many times before.
 
  She dried me off and took me over to a bench where she had a photo album.

   In the pictures were her and I together as kids growing up, pictures at the beach etc,
   events in our lives that occured but never really took actual photos of, as if someone had extracted our memories and made them into photos.

  I saw pictures of events in our lives as we got older and drifted apart.

   Then photos as we found each other again, got married, had kids.

  Then photos as our marriage began to fall apart and we got to the end of the album...

   She said "Looks like we need to take more photos, Todd"  And she rested her head on my shoulder.


  I just looked at her as I held her hand in mine and said "I miss you.."  and then woke up.

I was recently interviewed by a college student for some paper they were doing.

Mostly asking me about the creative process of my artwork..  So I thought I would post it here for general interest... like anyone really reads my blog anymore...

Dear Iris,

I have not much time but I will answer your questions to the best of
my ability.

 Here are the questions:

 1. How did you get into what you do creatively?

I have always had a natural artistic ability since a child.  I started
off drawing cartoon characters in elementary, then had a little
commercial art training through high school.  Most of my recent
artwork is digitally created in the computer which I self taught over
the past 15 years primarily in photoshop.  I have always had an
interest in computers and love the endless capabilities you can do
artistically on them, and you save paper!

 2. Do you think that you would be able to teach what you do?

I am sure I would be more than able to teach some of the basic
techniques in creating a piece of digital artwork, from how to use
photoshop and several other digital art programs.  I do not consider
myself an expert, but I am confident that I would be able to show
someone how to get a start on creating a digital image. You also need
a sense of creativity and talent as well.

3. What inspires you?

I really enjoy nature, as you can probably tell from most of my
renderings.  For the most part my artwork is done for various clients,
as well based on readings done by a spiritual medium which brings in a
lot of spiritual symbolism into the artwork.  My nature scenes are all
personal for that client and are based on their current "path in
life".   I am usually inspired through deep thought, music and
meditation.  I also like to create solely to experiment with new
techniques that I see other artists doing around the net.  Sometimes I
get my best inspiration in that state of mind right before sleep or
upon awakening, I see images in my minds eye and then write them down
on paper.

 4. What do you do to get into your creative zone?

When I am not procrastinating, I usually sit down and put my mind and
heart into it, shut off all things that may interrupt me and turn on
some peaceful music, or calming music that helps me channel in my
emotions and creativity into the artwork.  I believe what you see in
my art comes from inside me, so therefore you are looking at part of
me.

 5. What is your favorite accomplishment?

One of my most recent favorites has to be the three crystal pyramids
with the reflection pools.  I put a great deal of time into that piece
and find it to be very relaxing and inspiring to look at.  Sometimes I
have a hard time believe I created it.  There are all kinds of ideas I
have in my head for even better artworks, I just do not know all the
digital techniques to get them done.  I would like to learn
airbrushing and to learn to draw the human anatomy, for the most part
my human models are made in a 3d program rather than painted.

 6. Do you ever create hidden meanings or messages in your work? Explain.

Once in awhile I do incorporate symbols into the artwork but not too
often as they are done for clients.  But all the animals, objects are
all symbolic for that person, such as three trees, or three pyramids,
represents the trinity, or god head, animals represent different
energies, like a bird of prey symbolizes protection.  Water symbolizes
healing energy and so forth.

 7. Do you enjoy sharing your work with others or do you prefer to go
unnoticed? Why?

I love sharing my work because it inspires others.  I share it freely
over the net for anyone who wants to use it for non-profit purposes.

 8. Do you pay attention to others' strong reactions to your work?
Does that affect what you create?

I sometimes get upset with criticism though I do not get too much of
that anymore since my wife left me ;)  It has affected before what I
create but not too much except for some minor changes in the artwork.

 9. Who do you define as a visionary?

This could mean a few different things, but in my opinion a visionary
is someone who uses inspiration and sees their ideas unfold in their
minds eye before creating them on canvas, and their creations usually
have a spiritual message behind them.  A visionary may also have the
ability to be empathic, feel the emotions of others as well as convey
these emotions through their artwork so that others may experience
what they are trying to convey.

 10. If your creative work were edible, what would it taste like?

Hmm,  that is an interesting question.  It would probably taste like
gummy worms and marshamallows with all the colors and clouds,  Either
that or grass and tree bark ;)

Besides being busy with school, trying to get outside more, spending time with the kids, attempting to keep my bedroom clean and less smelling of ass and cat pee, eating foods that are wrong for me.. I have actually gotten out of the house and aquired a full time job, for the first time in.. well ever.

I was recently hired for Computer Help Desk / Service Analyst support in Mechanicsburg with Technisource where I sit 8-9 hours a day answering the phones in a great big office building, working on computer tickets and trying to avoid screwing up.

I do not get on Myspace much anymore, although I log in to check messages, usually I do not have any.. as my old friends seem to have forgotten me :(  OR deleted - you would think the best friend I ever had and a woman I spent almost a third of my life with would have me as a friend, but she would rather add people she barely knows.  Makes a lot of sense eh?  Humans are strange like that. 

The people whom you should be the closest to in life are those who distance themselves from you the most.  

My father for example, have not seen in about 6 years, recently attempted suicide because he beleives we do not care about him.  I cuold not afford to travel to see him for the most part.

Living with my mother and brother yet there are days when no words are spoken.

At least I see my children and hopefully they never forget me.  I drove an hour and a half straight from work to see their spring concerts this week, and glad I did not miss it. These are once in a life time opps and it means a lot to kids to see both parents show up to something they worked hard on...  While I know parents who may live in the same town as their kids and do not even bother showing up.. that type of parent I consider to be a duechebag.  If you have kids, they need to be the center of your life, and despite distance, or divorce, you made a commitment to yourself, your kids and to God to raise them lovingly and correctly despite the differences with another parent.

I wish I could be in their life more.  I come home from work to an empty room at night, when my life plans were raising a family together with a loving woman... but selfishness gets in the way.. and instead of growing a family in love, far too often we are focused on our momentary desires that we are not happy in the moment, and seek other things, and other people that instead destroy family, and in the end will destroy ourselves.  It is why God said "Man is not without the woman or woman not without the man.."

BE happy in the moment.  It at times is a hard choice.  We always focus on what we do not have instead of what we have been given.  We choose to see the bad aspects of other people instead of the Love that they are.  If you choose to Love the one you are with despite pet peeves, Love will change you both.. Unfortunately some choose the black and white, separation.  This is only a break away from Love, separation from your true self, separation from God.  And by doing this, and violating the love of the soul you only bring confusion and lonesomeness to your life journey.

I hope someday these people look within and realize what they have lost, rather than seeking outward trying to find something or someone to fill a void within theirselves, you will not find it, unless you start from within and fix the reasons why you have broken yourself.

Todd / Enoch

February 22, 2009

I dreamt I went to see Carrie and the children.  After spending some time with the kids, I was about to head home.
 Carrie grabbed my arm and said I didn't have to leave.

We then tucked the kids in bed and she took me to her room an sat on her bed smiling at me.
 She asked me to come to her, she was dressed in a black nighty.

I sat down beside her and she held me and said she was sorry.
 She looked into my eyes and said "You've always been my true hero and told me she loved me."

I said I loved her, and I never stopped, and that I was happy to be home and cried on her shoulder and kissed her neck.

We then layed down together.

I then woke up with tears in my eyes..

 These are the types of dreams that plague me ever since I lost her.

End of Dream


February 24, 2009

I dreamt I went to visit my living grandmother Zimmerman.
 
 I was helping her move into a new apartment, yet again.

She said "I'm tired I am going to rest."

 She sat down on a recliner and someone came to the front door.

Grandma said come in.

 The woman came in and kneeled down at my grandmother's feet and held her right hand.

  I did not know who she was at first until she looked me in the face.

I said "You look like my Gma Thompson."  She smiled and said "Yes its me." and winked.

 She said she was glad we got in touch with Cousin Sue.

  Gma Thompson then went over and opened the blinds to have bright sunlight pour into the room.
  
She said "Its too dark in here, let in some light."

  Gma Thompson then took Gma Zimmerman outside with her, it was springtime and the bright sunlight came through the door.
 
   I was left alone in the apartment to tend to things.

End of Dream

My daughter Ariel and I were out sledding today, and Ariel said "Wow
dad look at those white birds."
I looked right above us expecting to see pigeons or something, instead
what we saw, and very low to see enough detail,
 was two almost solid white eagle/falcons.  I have never seen one
before in my life, let alone to see two of them together.
They circled around over top of us for a bit and then flew off into
the distance.
These were a pair of white gyr falcons.  VERY rare to ever see them in
Pennsylvania, I even researched sighting maps of the United states and
it does not have them listed in PA at all.
They were beautiful.  Here is a photo of one.  I wish I would have had
a camera with me.  I wonder if seeing something like this is good luck
;)
Here is what they looked like.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/qtr/188969465/
 
Todd

Lately I have been suffering from anxiety and depression, which seems to get worse every winter, but has been compounded with the possibility of my ex moving half way across the United States with my children.   A sense of hopelessness and anger kicked in, as I planned to give my kids a better life once I graduated from college and move closer to them.    Enough of my hopes and dreams were already crushed when I lost my soul mate, and my biggest fear is losing my kids as well.

I had had a dream for years to move out west to the mountains and raise my family there, even told by mediums that this would take place - so the mere thought of another strange man living my dream with my kids irrates me to no end.

I have been seeking help for social anxiety, depression for some time now, only to have doctors put me on every type of SSRI out there,  in the end I just fall back into a slump, with brief moments of happiness.  My symptoms subsided only to replaced with terrible side effects, which eventually led to an aggressive chemical withdrawal.

Before bed last night, I prayed for help and answers as I did not have much money to help with my situation.   On awakening this morning, I had three words running through my mind.

"Eat More Turkey...."

I thought, what a strange thing to have running through your mind, as if someone had whispered it to me.

So I began some research on the internet and pulled up articles on Serotonin Deficiency Syndrome, to realize that is exactly what I have been suffering from for years, that took a toll on my marriage, and probably eventually its end.

Lately my moods flip, I can talk nice to you one minute and then be rude the next.  I have seen this within my parents,  and my brother, so rather than give into thoughts of ending my life (the only thing I could rationally control) I am deciding to take control and attempt to change my body without medications.

So why eat Turkey? 

"Tryptophan is an essential amino acid which means it is not produced by the body but rather must come strictly from the diet. There are eight essential amino acids and fourteen non-essential amino acids. The non-essential acids can be made inside the body from other components. Dietary sources of tryptophan include turkey and other meats, soy products, cottage cheese, milk, brown rice and peanuts.

In the brain, tryptophan converts to serotonin, the neuro-transmitter responsible for feelings of well-being, calmness, personal security, relaxation, confidence and concentration. Decreased serotonin levels play a key role in the development of depression. The only source for serotonin in the brain is tryptophan. It cannot be converted from any other substance. If there is not enough tryptophan in the diet, it can lead to anxiety and depression."

Well it looks like I will be having more turkey sandwiches.  Another site claims eating more fish, eggs, cashews along with plenty of Vitamin D and B12 will also aid in depression.

Currently I suffer from a slew of problems.  Anxiety, depression, insomnia, weird sleep patterns, being up all night, sleeping half the day, among other side effects which are a little too personal to mention here, but all of them can be resolved with more serotonin in my body which most men naturally have but I am lacking.

So to anyone I have hurt, offended in the past month, I am trying to get better.  Be patient with me.

This is a dream I awoke from this afternoon, yes I did not wake up until around 2pm.

I was back in Selinsgrove, on the main street of town.  Everything was abandoned and looked as if no one had taken care of the town in several years.  Every store was in ruin or boarded up.  Garbage littered the streets and dust covered windows.  There was no electricity that I noticed.

After some investigation I heard from voices of a few people coming out of one building who had been living there.  I asked them what had happened to the town, as they seemed to be cut off from the rest of the world.

They claimed that after the great earth quake, an underground cavern opened up and cut the entire town off from the major highways, and then the government just stopped sending in help after most of the people either died or left.

Toward Exit 35 I saw a huge mound of dirt and rocks and beyond that a chasm where the ground had split open.  To the other end of town, flood waters from the susquehanna changing direction had completely wiped out most of Hummelswharf area, taking out all the shopping centers, the bridges and access to 11-15.

I was angry that these people were abandoned and were not being given supplies, when it would be very easy to fly in or send them up river.    I then contacted someone by phone and they claimed they were told the town was empty.  At the end of the dream helicopters arrived with boxes of supplies and food.

Interpretation of dream:

As most dreams are more something about ourselves, I think this one is about me to an extent as well.

The road is my path in life, why it takes place in a town I used to live in, is trying to live in the past, but the past has nothing to offer me.  Lately I have been suffering from anxiety, depression, poor sleep habits...

The fact that the town was desolate or appeared so would coincide with my own feelings of being abandoned, and the lack of proper nourishment.  These people lacked good food and so forth.

The road blocks, the chasm, the earthquake, is an upheaveal in personal life, and shows a blockage in my mind (brain) and heart from access from the rest of the world.

Eventually I am the one calling out for help, by cell phone in the dream.  We are then aided by helicopters "from above"  while in the dream it was government, the mere fact that the help was coming from above us, is a sign of help from heaven so to speak and I save myself.

I hate writing down bad dreams because for some reason it feels if I do so I am manifesting it into reality to some extent.

I dream I was living back on 318 W Snyder St. Selinsgrove, PA - perhaps I was in the past - as I have been struggling lately with some anxiety and mild depression and have become a hermit in my room.

In the dream I received a letter in the mail, upon opening it was some form of contract that I agreed to give the kids souls over to this man, who I felt was evil.

I said "what the hell, I would never agree to this.." and tore it up.  Suddenly a man was at the door.  He came into the living room, dressed in a black suit.  Tall slender professional looking man, with dark eyes and dark wavy hair.

In his hand was another copy of the same contract, claiming I had agreed to these sacrifices before this life.

He asked me if I was sure I would refuse and that its a fight I can not win and if I knew his power I would give up now.  I got angry and said get out of my house.

It was then he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the wall. With a grin he looked me in the eyes and said "You don't remember me do you?  I am the one who said I would torment you the rest of your life if you chose a certain path.  I am the one who swore to take everything from you that you ever loved and you see that I suceeded and I am going to take your children as well."

I said "Why bring so much pain into my life, I still dont know what I am supposed to do, what did I do in my past to lose the ones I love.  Leave my children alone and just take me."

He said "Nah, then you wouldn't learn nuthin."  I tried to cast him away in Jesus name but nothing happened.  He laughed and said "See, its all a game to him.  He allowed these things to happen to you, he allowed me to have power in your life, cry all you want, but your path is already chosen."

I got angry and struggled the man to the ground then bashed his head in several times, but he arose, completely healed and then left the house.

I awoke from the dream severely upset.