tonight's so amazingly beautiful, it would be nice to have someone you love to share it with. the air is so fresh and the rain so soft and gentle......

a kiss in the rain, or together inside looking out......

i guess that makes it kinda sad haha.....well it made me happy earlier I just wished I could have been out during it.

 too hard at work, too tired , too bogged down, too lonely, moving too quickly...........to bask in beauty. thats too sad. even though I can slow down to enjoy it it doesnt have as much meaning as it would if I had someone to share that with.

that would be better than music, and you know I love  music more than anything.  what am I saying that is music.

that sounds lame. very melancholy. bleh. very sappy. what a sap.  ill end that there and finish hearing this editors cd. which I love by the way. yup yup hear it.

"these thoughts I must not think of, dreams I can't make sense of, I just need you to tell me its okay"

so I heard this song today on the radio...its been a long while since I had heard it but I love simon and garfunkel........anyway I thought the lyrics were so beautiful in a lot of places and the feeling of a lot of it just seems to resonate for me right now.so I thought I'd post it here to keep.

homeward bound-


I'm sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket for my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And ev'ry stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Ev'ry day's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And ev'ry stranger's face I see reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Tonight I'll sing my songs again,
I'll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Silently for me.

so. as usual I’ve written a bunch of crud in my book....but moreso I wrote a lot tonight but this is the only thing that is close to being a complete strain of thought. so I thought i’d write it here for whatever reason.

If I take my top off will you find me
-more or less- attractive(then I seem)
If I hide away all my flaws, will you
think I’m paper or I’m plastic.
(or will you find the truth eventually)

Phony’s not the way to live(I know this)
but paperdolls can seem far less attractive
which is why barbie dolls seem to live the fantasy

I’m pretty when I’m taken out of context
and beautiful when theres nothing else to see
maybe when they put the spotlight on me,
then there will be something there to see

’cause I’m pretty when I’m taken out of context
and beautiful when theres nothing else to see
baby when you put me in the spotlight, you
can’t quite be sure that what you see is me.

because when I was younger
I used to play with paperdolls
flat and all one dimensional.
now I’ll have to play it all up
for the people, and it might
make you think you know me
but there is always that side
that you just never ever tried to see.

so yeah whatever. not exactly coherent. not exactly done. was actually two different random thoughts that came together.

my love shines

like a penny

in the gutter

bare to the elements

oxidized

but under the rust

lies

soft pliable

warm

gleaming copper

sorry

its only lucky

if you

find it

heads up

"love and loss. life and pain. death and demons.
peace only comes in breathing. being."

things have erupted once again. sleeping volcanos don't lie dormant for too long. the lava flows and hopefully you have enough time to run away.....but mostly you just live with it and try to avoid being scorched.

Why do they say lightning doesn't strike twice...when we know that isn't true. I almost want to say please god just strike me down. electric death is best....internal burns are hard to live with, I know I've seen those who have tried and failed.

and yet its all over-dramatized and melodramatic. nothing so bleak as what you might think. no big deal in comparison with somethings. I live. others are being killed and suffering, and I complain about the little things.

 I told him to "shut up". should you even say that to your father? I did. I guess that makes me an awful person. There was no other words to use. He needed to shutup. maybe  I do to. lets all shutup. shutup. words are pointless. when you think they matter. you find out that maybe they only mattered to you. it sad that amidst all this that has nothing to do with him...still   i think of him. I'd like to tell my head to shutup...shutoff. but  I know thats not right. so alas, I live and try to breath.

"love and loss. life and pain. death and demons.
peace only comes in breathing. being."

But I will have to make it through this storm. or I will never make it. things are and we have to deal. thinking that we don't want to...is that only stubborn kid stuff? or is it OK to be enraged by others lack of forethought? maybe being uncomfortable is what we are made for. maybe  I should be thankful for being uncomfortable. it gives us something to be stressed about. something to be bothered about. something to make us have to struggle. struggle is what humans are made for maybe? my struggle is a pin drop in comparison to the sound of thunder of others struggle. I will swallow my pride and just deal.

"love and loss. life and pain. death and demons.
peace only comes in breathing. being."

well im off to my temporary home. away I must.

 

its funny ....I  was just going through my journal and found something that I must have wrote last year .....anyway its funny how we go through cyclical moments of epiphany. we can see something so clear at one moment and then it gets clouded over again so much so that you almost can't even remember being at that point where things had been at such a clarity....anyway I just laughed because all the things I wrote pretty much paralled things i've been thinking, talking or writing about lately.

but  I guess thats how life is ....it revolves around certain themes that matter to us....to our happiness:


"todays a new day, a seeing things more clearly day-my vision wasn't clouded by a thousand ghosts of all the things I wanted to bury but never had a wake for...it's never been clearer than more recently that feeling, thinking or being a certain way @ a certain time is acceptable, that what you feel at any point if genuine is something you shouldn't feel bad for-you are just in that moment and if you accept that situation as what it is, a temporary state, you'll be better able to get passed it. Today in the simplest way I see how living normally(what  is normal to you is normal period-you dont have to be what everyone else is but what you find out of your beliefs to be right) . can allow you to 'live'...I know I didn't write that down the way I thought it in my head but at least its written down. solidified into some words-any words. Its true that one finished step towards getting it done-makes it seem like doing it isn't so far fetched and hard. by doing the small things of living you allow yourself to truly feel alive- not as though you are sleep walking- while cage up you yearn to be free and live freely but when you find that the cage  was unlocked all that  time -it becomes harder to understand why? why would a creature choose to be locked up. when that's all you know... it becomes comfortable but the caged bird who sings will only be content with fulfilling its dreams. living the song..."

I dont really even know what  I want to write....I'm not really nervous about my interview so much as I feel unprepared....not so much incapable of the job as I feel like too much rides on it. the funny thing is  I am actually mellow about everything. maybe it just worries me underneath...that I am not worried.

I've gained a new calm. a new resolution. I am content and feel stronger willed than I have for a while. but at the same time  I feel heart broken. I can't pretend that I am unphased by what I feel I have lost but at the same time it no longer rules me.

love and loss. life and pain. death and demons.
peace only comes in breathing. being.

I found an epiphany in a shins song, last week or so.
I will share:

Shut out, pimpled and angry.
I quietly tied all my guts into knots.
Gave up on trying to make them,
I figured it'd take them too long to look up and besides...

It was undeniably clear to me i don't know why
When every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
I knew what worthless dregs we've always been.

Lucked out and found my favorite records
Lying in wait at the birmingham mall.
The songs that i heard,
The occasional book
Were the only fun i ever took.
And i got on with making myself.
The trick is just making yourself.

But when they're parking their cars on your chest
You've still got a view of the summer sky
To make it hurt twice when your restless body
Caves to its whims
And suddenly struggles to take flight...

Three thousand miles north east
I left all my friends at the morning bus stop shaking their heads.
"what kind of life you dream of? you're allergic to love."
Yes i know but i must say in my own defense
It's been undeniably dear to me, i don't know why
When every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
I knew the worthless dregs we are,
The selfless, loving saints we are,
The melting, sliding dice we've always been.

n I was feeling like everything I did was wrong and maybe  I should just do the opposite of what seemed right. I even wrote something about it and was going to post it but then I decided it would never satisfy me to be like that....n so I remembered the  cat stevens song from harold and maude:


its not an easy thing to take beyond a concept but I really am grasping those things I think. its one thing to drop losing yourself so that you can still be something for everyone else that you feel needs you but its another thing to realize that you can't be anyones anything or more someones something if you aren't first something for yourself....or really just being what you are meant to be. you don't have to feel like you are trying to sparkle or shine for anyone else and therefore feel uncomfortable with it but just be more aware of that retractive reaction and try to be what you want to be and be content with it. then maybe it'll matter. then maybe sharing it wont hurt anymore. I remember when I was more openly a free spirit. I'd like to resurrect that feeling. I know I got hurt too many times...but the depth of other pains seem worse in comparison....you can contain all the enlightenment of the sun inside but if you are not willing to let it out....let it radiate at all then you will remain walking in darkness....just as much as you might think others are.

I dunno what the point is....a whole lot of airy thoughts  I guess. I just have to keep going. thats all. something is good. everything ending with nothing isn't good. something is better.

wish me luck. not that  I believe in luck. or do I?

i try so hard not to fight with them....so hard. but I'm so mad I could cry. I do cry. I guess I am....before I wouldn't have admitted that. I used to try to hide my tears. I guess I still do...I know I'm too sensitive. and I always used to hide that. but too much is just too much. whatever....I spend my days worry about them and spend the rest of the time trying to not fight with them....only to have them fight with me over petty things. I need to get out. I just need out. I like albuquerque. but I think I need to go far away for a while...

well I dyed my hair red again yesterday, so of course I really needed a haircut....and so today I cut it... well as usual I got carried away. though  I was supposedly trying to grow my hair out, I cut it shorter again. it doesn't look bad....its just not what I wanted or was intending. I don't usually mind but there was that whole letting my hair grow out thing...darn it. cutting my own hair should be easier, or there should be two of me then that would work. or I shouldn't like cutting hair and I should not dislike having someone else cut my hair!. bleh...what does this have to do with anything or why is this important? its not....but apparently there is nothing more important to say. there are things. things being thought. things  to be done. things being ignored. etc. but alas  all I end up as is a shallow haircut story and the aftermath. anyone want a haircut from naeward scissor hands?????
my ear aches, my nose aches too, n so does my jaw. it would be cool if a kiss would make it feel better...like when your lil and your mom kisses your, knee or w/e. I know its not very scientific but  hey I remember it working?! haha :) okay who wants to kiss my ear? van gogh's ghost maybe....but no cutting! no takers then. farewell I go. alone. to bask in my pain. hurrah. oh so mellowdramtic I know. yeah yeah spell things right. W.E.