So i've been stuck with this answer of fuck it.
of back to zero.
Of contradictions masked by desire.
My questioning glances ask why.
And all i have for them is because. por que, i feel it.

I feel it all over and inside my body.
for one.
for every moment.

but i forgot to question my answers.

why?
Why is it just because. why is just because good enough this time?

Why do i feel love?
is it because It's one of a kind?
is it because its the first?
is it because i am blind?
is it because of the thirst?

is it because we played such a beautiful few rounds?
is it because abandonment comes like nausea, back for more when you least expect it?

im questioning this answer, because for onc it's not good enough to just say because.
its not good enough to just feel...
im not trying to force love to be logical or rational,
but im forcing myself to be kinder to my heart this time.

and think, and question before you use because i feel it as your last excuse for making an action.

it was the only way i knew how, and now im using new tools.

g'day

B the G

post male synchronicity.
or something
I"M MAD
ok im not.
read this:
you ever feel as if you dont know which way is up evem
when you have a compas's sense of direction
at every other moment
but this time
you dont know who dictates your

you know I once was told to not let go or i'd fall
and i wasnt afraid of falling
its that being on the ground alone
again
and again again and again
over and over again
back to begin
dont know which way is up


done reading. the end

Even the lines in my head have no place to hide.

After reminiscing with Cass the other day, I realized through
all that talk about small penises, beautiful lovemaking all over Italy and rohnert Park, kinetic kissing from the beginning till the end, chemistry like no other, the fights, the lies, the guilt trips, the premature ejaculation; all of it.
the good ole days, haha. I dont know what it is.
I mean, dont get me wrong, i'm healed up tight, but its the SCAR adorning my heart that has not faded from my skin.
Still feel a ghost pain when ran under water.
but its not the same pain
its not clenched tight
it's loose and free and nostalgic.
it builds up like a fantasy.
its Everything else, that reminds me of how really off our switches were,
yet, there's something left after all the mess
something filtering through like sunlight
some kind of happy that I've never seen, from both sides
if the contradiction made sense, I could let go.
7 months is progressing.
with chemistry like ours, i've blown a fuze calculating the mixture alone in my lab. i'll never figure it out.
what have you done to me Maxi???????????????????
..

If I, if I, if I die inside

Would people take notice?

Maybe, the hardest part is just starting over.
The past is only the future with the lights on.

Dear Anyone,
take my hand, let's make pop music :)

I woke up at, well, i don't really remember because I kept going back to sleep. I didn't go to bed till 2am the night before.
But when i finally did wake up it must've been 11am, or noon.
Ate the rest of last night;s dinner, played with Cheesecake, re-readthe first half of the Communist Manifesto to get my charge up for therest of the day, and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee that Aaron sokindly made me.
It smelled damn good, and tasted even better. I usually put almond/soymilk in my coffee, if i ever drink it. Although, i know i swore not todrink anymore because of last time, BUT! Last time i hadn't eatenanything, really,and it was the middle of the night, and this time itwas not espresso, just black coffee and I sipped it. Slowly. Savoringthe rich creamy flavor.mmm
No effects, whatsoever. :)

We left the house around 1:30 pm i'd say, grabbed the train to 14th st,downtown Manhattan, transferred to the F to the East Village. We gotoff at Delancey st., Aaron got 10 potstickers for $2, haha what a deal,and scarfed them back while I read about a vegan sandwich shop inBrooklyn in some newspaper.
we walked over to E. Houston to check out Ashkara Restaurant - I readonline they had vegan options and falafel BAR! with belgian fries.
They did! I got a small falafel sandwich, but after I filled it withpeppers, pickles, tomatoes, cucumbers, cabbage, hot sauce, garlic sauceand carrots, it was a fattie.
All full. I have to say that was the best damn falafel I've ever had in my life. and i've eaten a lot of falafels!
Ashkara Vegetarian Restaurant. 189 E. Houston st. 4 stars.
but, their Baklava wasn't good at all. :/

Then, we walked more around the East Village, heading toward TheStrand. (big ass second hand bookstore in NY) I <3 the strand. Onthe way I saw 3 hydrants busted open leaking water everywhere all downthe street...so negligent. one of each corner. There's pictures, checklater.

At the Strand, i found a cooking book ALL. ABOUT. GARLIC. ! it's called, can you believe, "Garlic". haha.
Also, i found The Diaries of Isabelle Ebrhardt: Nomad. I love thisgirl. We are somehow connected. I can just feel it. I feel so muchrelation to this woman. So much energy. So much love for the desert.
I also bought 2 other books, i can't remember cause I shipped them home today.
So much more but i will continue later, i am rather parched.
-B

Continued:

After Strands, we met up with Cody and headed to Phebes Bar for the Russian Meetup.
http://www.meetup.com/nycr..ussian/
Met a few cool people and talked to one russian girl who traveled to Egypt and asked her all about it.
I learned a few phrases also, contained herein are phonetic translations:
Kak Skezat - "how do you say?"
Zdrovstoycheh - formal greeting
oichin priyatna - pleaure to meet you
horrosho - good
kanyeshna - of course!
osta rrojna - be careful (warning)

Then booked off to Lauralee's house in Chinatown/LowerEastSide.
she has a new kitten named Bubu.
Cool ass roommates, and i got into a hot hot heated debate with anArgentinian Jew about the Gaza strip, soup-of-the-day wartime. I kindofneeded some verbal action. Haven't had it in awhile.
It was interesting. He was arguing for his "people", and I played anthropologist and broke down how race doesn't exist. lulz.
also we spoke on Bloomberg, capitalism, things i can't even remember.

Then, L.B. got a txt from her rmmate who went out to an open bar that she was incapacitated.
We struck a cab to the bar, picked her ass up and got her into a cab.
There was a horrible breakup scene outside the bar after they took off.
and i quote, "I just dont understand how you can leave me like this, so suddenly!??"
Man. close to home, but im patched up. I still heard her though, through my bones, i shivered.
I heard her, through my veins, blocked arteries.
she was a mess, and i could only envision the following months for her, a reflection of my recent past.
and i quote, "I'm 30 years old, i just cant play these games anymore, i can't be with you."
and she sobs. and she yells. and he walks.
down Stanton, away from her life. Friends yelled obscenities and coddled her.
and i took off. I took off to go find this 24 hour vegan Indian place, Punjabi.
Lordy lawdy, internet articles are decieving.
Was vegan all right, BUT, appeared as a liquor store,with a deli case of food.
Not my thing at 2am. surprisingly.
Skipped back to Bleecker in Greenwich village and got my $2 falafel that i get everytime im here.
Yatagan falafel on bleecker. $2
right next to Esperanto cafe, where as a first-time new yorker 3 yearsago i spent pratcically every single night for 30 days straight in,from around 9pm till 6am or sometimes 7am.
I was a vampire in those days.
Esperanto cafe - great for Vampires. vampires who need free wi-fi.

I stopped in for some Genmaicha and spoke to another russian far east russia.
said he wanted to move to Cali so he could grow his own marijuana. lulz.
went to the W4 st station and just missed the A Far Rock train, but tomy advantage i continue my travels of meeting random people. I sat downat the bench and this guy starts talking to me. I tell him i'mtraveling and where I would love to go. Etc etc. He tells me how heused to travel when he was my age. He got his degrees in accounting andhad a real good banking job after his vagabond days. lost his job dueto stock market crashs, laid off bullshit, and is now 30 (and i quote,"im already 30 and i'm a host for a restaurant in NY") He's also afairly attractive gay man (he told me this ) withno partner, and isdepressed about the way his life has turned out. Even though he'ssitting there giving me advice about living life to the fullest andbeing aware of my surroundings, (he doesn't know me at all! lol).
He pulls out a 40 of malt liquor. haha. and we get on the next far rockchatiting away, him divulging all his lifes "tribulations". What is itwith people sharing their lives with me after 3 minutes of talking tome? Do i give off a therapist vibe? that was (slightly) rhetorical.

So, i got home around 5am. fell asleep and woke up at 11am to hot hot heat. not the band, the fahrenheit.
Tomorrow's blog soon to be, stay tuned.
Love and light to all!

B. J. Young

On this brightly brisk morning, I slept quite well. Waking up at 10, eating breakfast, packing packing away. It wasn't cold at all this morning i didnt put on my hat or gloves.
I dropped my books off at the post office to ship back to Cotati, 7 books plus a score, plus a few pieces of clothing, fit into 1 box = $10.
Write my host a quick note, left the keys and grabbed the bus into Boston. I was contemplating going to Berklee College of Music but I was just really not in the mood to schlug my stuff around.
And it was either the 2pm or 3pm bus to NY, the 3 would've gotten me to NY by 6:30pm.
Eh, so i headed straight to Haymarket, walked to little Italy and the only food i could find that was close enough to vegan was veggie risotto. Only after i got on the bus did i realize it must've had butter in it. :( Oh well, my first cheat yet.
Bus to NYC - $15
We passed through New Haven, CT and Mt Vernon, NY. (and lots of others, but those were the two i was awake to see. haha)

Got to NY Chinatown at 6:30pm hopped the J train uptown to 42nd st/Times Square transferred to the A to Far Rockaway and fell asleep!
an hour and a half later I got off at Broad Channel, transferred to the shuttle to the Rockaways and got of and Beach 90 st.
Greeted my friend Teena who I haven't seen since last year and caught up for a bit.
Put my bags down and check i have 3 missed calls.
Woo! I already love NY.
My dear friend Aaron has called and asked me to go to dinner with him and his wonderful beautiful girlfriend Cody and their friend Susan. Although, being in Rockaway doesn't give me time to plan things like that. So, I met up with Aaron later at his house in the Bronx up on Pelham pkway. Left Rockaway at 9pm got to the Bronx at 11:12pm. :/ nyc transit...lol but it runs 24/7! So, it's cool.
We got veggies and a Guinness. I boiled some rice, fried a zucchini, tomato, garlic, shallot, fresh tofu, and a red bell pepper. add salt & pepper. more garlic.
Cherries and white raisins on the side.
(there is a 24 hour vegetable market right across the st from his house!!!!! my dream come true)
Then we sat down to watch the Godfather pt. 1 and I was way to tired to finish. My Guinness or Al Pacino. lol

He also has the most adorable cat, Cheesecake. Pictures will be up soon.

Tomorrow's blog is up next. Stay tuned for more adventures in New York City.

Love love love love love love love

B. J. Young

Amaaaaaaaaaaazing. <3

I dont want to leaaave!
Ok! so today, i woke up at 8am and ate oatmeal and a blood orange with a cup of Joy Tazo tea.
got dressed in my 6 layers and ran out the door to make it to the 9:30am 101 bus to Sullivan square. (8 minutes).
Hopped on the Orange Line alll the way down to Forest Hills. The last stop.
Took the 38 bus to JP (Jamaica Plains).
Got out at Fiore's Italian Bakery. They have nummy vegan things.
Here's the lowdown:(following is all vegan)
-I ordered a sandwich called the Nona: Breaded eggplant, basil, tomato, roasted red peppers, olive oil, balsamic vinaigrette and cashew "cheez" on focaccia bread. $6
I thought it could use more sauce. Needed more salt for my taste. But was good, i would order it again. the eggplant was cooked really well, not too soggy or overcooked like a lot of places do. The sandwich itself was pretty big and very filling and comes with kettle chips. :)
-1 mixed berry scone: really dry, not sweet enough. John Palmer's are still the best scones i've ever had. FTW!
-1 cinnamon coffee cake: pretty bomb on first bite. Then you think, "do you want any cake with that cinnamon?" lol good, but tastes not like coffee at all, just like a big cinnamon doused cake.
-1 gingerbread cookie : too much sugar and had a weird "eggy" flavor. But, REALLY Gingery, which i love.
-1 Pecan Snowball: tasted like a snowball. a snowball of dry puff powdered sugar...only on the outside. The inside! now that was the best part! lots of pecans and had a chewy biscotti feel to it.
- 1 "Cinnamon roll" cookie: Hella good!
-1 chocolate chip cookie: way too dry. chewy. not enough sugar. kindof weird.
-1 oatmeal raisin cookie: eh, too chewy for me. I've had better. :(

also, there was a guy sitting at the table near me in this tiny shop. another guy joined him to share the table, cus there were none left. Then, i hear "Oh!". the original guy spilled his coffee all over the table, the other guys newspaper and into his own backpack. lols. BUT the best part! was that he didnt curse, or make a scene, hardly anyone noticed and he cleaned it up, slightly laughing. he was a really good sport. People are awesome here!
It bugs me when something like that happens and people make a huge scene, like "OMG WTF FUCK SHIT FUCK OH MY GOD!" like its the end of the world.
Chill out, world, Boston has it down, so can you.

Then, I walked back to the Forest Hills station, passing a natural food co-op and some other cute houses. Took the orange line to Ruggles. Walked to washington st. to find Haley House Bakery, but it was closed.
Took the SIlver line bus to downtown crossing, transferred Orange line to Haymarket,
determined to get my butt to through the Freedom Trail!.
As soon as I got out of the station I crossed highway 1 to Cross st. Left down Hanover and found myself right smack dab in Italia. I mean, Boston. I mean, Italia and Boston. Everything Italian. I was very happy. Nothing like North Beach in Sf, better. Reminded me of Italy. Specially with the tiny streets. :) and cobblestone.
Walked over to North street and found the Paul Revere House. It was pret-ty cool.
My heart sighs walking over cobblestone, reinventing history in my head.
It's my version of candyland, but with history. and horse buggies. and bonnets. and top hats. :D
Continued on North till I hit Prince ( i think, im having trouble remembering right now), then I ran into Grezzo! The Raw Food Vegan place i was looking for. Pretty pricey, like $13-$22 meal. but they had some appetizers/salads and soups that were reasonable. I just wasnt hungry! :( So i just took a picture telling myself i'd come back another time. I was going to come back for dinner but they closed at 5pm.
Continued up Prince to Salem, took a right and found the Old North Church.
Then I walked up the Hill in front of the church all the way to the top to get a good picture of the whole thing and I found Copp's Burying Grounds. I love old cemetaries. The oldest headstone was was 1678, from a boy who died at the age of 3.
Took some pictures of the headstone of one Martha Balls and her husband Mr. Balls. haha I had to. for teh lulz.
walked down Snow Hill st. with memories of Italy swarming my brain, making me feel all jolly and missing Europe.
Found the harbor, took the pictures in the freezing wind and sang my way back to Beverly st.
Stopped for a coffee at Equal Exhange Cafe. and headed back to the train station.

Took the green line to Symphony station. Found the Boston Symphony Orchestra building and THE BEST VEGAN ICE CREAMERY!!!!!!!
Wheelers. 334B Massachusetts ave. <333333
They had a flavor called Chocolate pudding *sigh*
Also, good vegan food and salads and milkshakes. All made with Almond, cashew and soy milk. they also had a couch and free wi-fi. How rad.
Then, I went to Copley square to check out the Boston Public library. Its puts SF to shame. :(
Also, at Boylston st. station, i found the theatre district. I saw that Aida is playing in a couple weeks. :) Viva Verdi!

Next, I took the Green Line B train out to Allston Village, at the advisement of miss Danielle Gilmore. She is going to Boston University and moving to Allston soon. So, i checked it out. Huge beautiful buildings! She is soooo lucky! :) And allston village is so fucking cool. reminds me of SF in that it really has every kind of food possible on a few streets, plus really cool second hand stores and Herrell's Allston Cafe. Also, checked out the Lebanese restaurant she was telling me about, Reef. I wasn't hungry though and they looked closed. I bet it is very good. I'll go next time!

Finally, I just took the train back to north station for the green line and went back to Somerville. Made some veggie biryani from trader joes and got online.
I met a friend today on facebook from Turkey. she has offered to guest me sometime. So maybe the next time i travel after my birthday I will go to Turkey! YAY. gotta start working on my turkish...hehe

Then, i got to talk to the lovely beautiful Gabriela! She is in Topoztlan and it looks like I will be joining her for my birthday. Kauai will have to wait. To Mexico it is!!!!!!!

Ciao Ciao!
More pictures up..
Love, mucho amor, light, joy, coconut juice, hooray, freude! freude! schoener Goetterfunken, divine glorious energy to all!

besos!

B. J. Young

ps: i am going to New York City tomorrow!!!!

pps: I might be stopping in Chicago on my way back!

As I sit in my awesome room, eating awesome veggie spaghetti my host made, I aam not sad about how unproductive my day was. I knew I couldn't get much out of 5 days in Boston, so I will just have to come back. :)
the first thing i know is, one can never have too much Garlic in their...anything! lol

So today, I set m phone for 9. apparently, i hit it off a couple times half-awake and woke up at 10:25. whoops. wakeup bathroom ritual, then Amy made me a vegan waffle. Whoah! hella good. although, she used egg ener-g replacer, so wasnt as fluffy as it could've been with Soy lecithin, but i gave her the soy lecithin advice from vegan baker to vegan baker. she was happy to know.
I had homemade berry jam and true maple syrup on that waffle, it was damn good.
Then, got dressed in my 6 layers, and made it out the door by 12:25. :(
Missed the bus grabbed the next one at 12:49, and made it to Davis Square but got off by Tufts University instead. Pretty, but not interesting enough to vouch for wasting 2 hours there.
Didn't even find one rad semi-cheap vintage store. They were all Noe Valley prices. lolz.
(if you dont know the reference, get to SF more often.)
although, I did find a cool unique trendy outerwear store where I bought a (dont die now!) $40 hat. ahhhhh and why do i only spend money like this on the east coast. Shh..if i lived here no way would I. why does traveling somehow make you think you have to get it or something. Rome was the same way. Anything in Italy, i'm like "i'm in ITALY I have to get it now! when will i be back!?" haha
i'm changing my way of mind. this is super silly. I mean, i can afford it, but shit. It's not up to my moral code. I guess, it could be worse. It could've been walmart, or macy;s. at least it was a local business. And it was exactly the kind of warm ass hat i've been looking for. Would've spent more at REI or Northface. Anyway...
Enough bitching and griping and giving excuses. I'm a tiny shopping whore. So sue me.
Eventually, I'll sell all this bullshit and be living with less than 4 outfits in a mudhut somewhere in the colder parts of this world. *sigh*, in my dreams for now..

Besides, I'm keeping track of everything I buy and how much it costs. i'll make a tally at the end and we'll see that the total amount will be less than I spent in Rome in a day, but more than I spend in 3 months in Sonoma County. :0
oh money, if we could burn it all and start over again.

ok ok back on track. im rambling.
Then, I found Spikes. The hot dog place. I got a super veggie dog called "the Junkyard", with Pepperoncinis, grilled scallions, spicy mustard, tomato, and pickle. 3 bucks.
Then, was real thirsty so I found this amazing Vegan place around the corner, too bad i missed it before Spikes. But you can't pass up a veggie dog like that. You never see them anywhere. So, i got a juice called the "cold fighter". Large. Garlic, Ginger, Lemon, Carrots, Orange. AWWWWWW <3 soo good. Talk about a pick-me-up. Forget coffee, this did it for the rest of the day.
Got on the Red Line train straight to Downtown Crossing, transferred to the Orange Line to State st. and started wandering around. It was almost 4pm by this time. Started on the Freedom trail, but couldn't find anything special. Except the Holocaust memorial area, and this huge area of benches and a huge staircase filled of snow. There's pictures.
It was a very calming place. I think it shall be my favorite as of this point.
Then, i got distracted by the Farmers Market at Faneuil Hall Marketplace. AH! Food. fruit. vegetabeles. CHEAP.
I saw a sign that that said 9 peaches for $1.
2 avocados for $1.
5 lemons for $1
10 oranges for $2
bags of cherries $2
strawberries $1
Blueberries $1
Bell peppers 2 for $1
7 nectarines for $1
3 tomatoes $1
6 tangerines $1
i think my head was going to explode. :)
Mostly because i couldn't take advantage. No permanent stasis right now. No need of lots of fruit. :(
I bought a tangerine, a sweet navel, a red orange, and a fat crispy apple, all $1.

Then i walked down congress st. more, found Hanover, but then my camera's batteries died. Still didnt know which was i was going to find the freedom trail and it was so close to 5pm.
Finally, I found Haymarket station, and I could've ventured with my direction from Haymarket to the raw food restaurant i knew about and the Old north church, but it was dark.
So, i decided to jump on the train back to Boylston to see if the post office was still open.
Ended up not even finding the post office. It's somewhere in the prudential center, but the addresses downtown are weird. So i gave up.
Walked to Commonwealth back to the ancient music emporium as i call it,
and bought 7 books on Verdi. My husband. lol. I'm stocking up on resources to write my curriculum for my senior project: A Seminar on Verdi, Fall 2009.
Also, i got the vocal score for Verdi's Requiem.
All - $40. sweet deal, seeing as how these books are super vintage.
I'm going to the post office on monday morning to mail them back.

Then, I walked to Boylston stopped at Trader Joes for some Veggie Biryani and came back to my housing.

My host left me a note saying her daughter went to stay with a friend and she's staying at her bf's house so to make myself at home and eat the veggie pasta in the fridge. She's too damn sweet. I really urge you all to use the Couchsurfing Project. It's amazing.
http://www.couchsurfing.co..m/

Some thoughts I had today:
I love Boston (and NY) because people who ride the subway don't sit on the outside seats so other people are less likely to sit next to them. People do this on BART and Muni and it bugs the hell out of me.
Although, i believe Boston and NY have different reasons. I think NY just doesn't fuck around and knows that no matter if they sit on the outside or not, someone is sitting next to them because there's so many people to begin with.
Boston, i think does it out of simple socialist logic. Why would I sit on the outside and make someone squeeze past me when I could scoot in and make room? Right on. But, this is only a theory from my observations.

I got back to housing at around 7:15pm.
I'm pooped and a little grouchy, BUT although I didn't get almost anything done i wanted to today, i still had a good time.
Tomorrow will be better. I need to wake up earlier.
For sure, I am getting on the train nd heading south straight to Fiores Italian Bakery in Jamaice Plains for a Vegan breakfast of baked goods.
Then we'll see how much else I get done.
More pictures to come.
Peace, light, happiness, gratitude, jubilation, glee and warmth to all!

B. J. Young

ps. I still love it here.

pps. It's still better than SF.

I am waiting at the pittsburgh airport for my connecting flight to Boston. My one way ticket serves me well. ^_^
I will be departing Logan international with my trusty macbook, map of Boston transit, and a small bag of 3 days of clothes including hefty thermal layers.
3 days of clothes that will last me 10.
I have found an awesome lady on The Couchsurfing Project, who has offered her spare bedroom for 2 days, to which i will try to finagle 3 or 4.
She seems pretty cool; vegan, liberal, city ambassador of boston, has a 13y/o daughter.
chill bro. pshhahahaha jk jk
anyways, so my good friend JC is sick. I hope he gets better, i'm sending out my positive vibes all the way to DC.
He was my couch, and now he's not here.
My other couch just left boston. The good ole Alex number 3.
Worst timing in the world. Well, it's all good. This is me talking.
Bob! Bobbla! Bobzilla! Bobalicious!
I have been worse off than bumming it in a big city I don't know.
I'll be fine, and i'll take pictures of how awesome vagabonding is.
I've already got a list of Vegan restaurants, cafes, positive hippies atmospheres, and historical sites to see.
Anyone got any suggestions, let me know!
Then, by the 5th of january if i'm not too hobo'ed out. I am taking the bus/train down to NYC.
the apple.
B to the R to the O the O-K, LYN is the place where I stay.
Manhattan.
Queens.
Rockaway Beach.
All that + more.
More pictures, more people, more foods.
This is going to be an exciting and spontaneous 10 days.
I go, I see, I conquer.

Peace, balance, love, clarity, abundance, joy, all that stuff, have it, embrace it, hold onto it, but give it away when you're done.

It's a new year.
Treat it better than the last.

-B. J. Young

I see through one black eye of resistance
one black eye made from concrete interactions
bike crashes
once in a while troubleshooting whilst flying into rear tires
thinking too much
im seeing through one black eye how many times I played the wife
performing under someone else's shadow
this isn;t eye shadow this time
i really have a black eye, a yellow surrounding, blueish, greenish, i had to send you back you were raking up fines, sick looking eye.
take care of me eye

the checker at olivers tonight said something about cheese cloths and i remembered my eye
i remembered the knife
i remembered nothing worth remembering
so i killed the thought of you telling someone else how to make their own yogurt and put my foodstuffs out on the checkstand.

im thinking about salad
but
i was trying really hard to remember what it was like missing you
and i got bored
i dont remember anything worth remembering
except one person would say midsleep groping is worth more than a penny.
maybe mutual satisfaction in a million and one places around rohnert park and abroad
may be worth remembering

Although i dont even remember what your kiss felt like
i dont remember your ears
i dont remember what your lips felt like
your kiss
i thought i'd remember

i see through this black eye
i see back alley drug dealings dealing broken hearts
the way a raw foodist scrambles at a garden
the way you being a raw foodist scrambles at an oven
sideways
bent down
far from the vision of anyone who knows better
I see you through this black eye
i saw the concrete coming before it happened
unlike before
the bluish greenish yellow surrounding
jupiter in the face, midnight radiators breaking down,
rekindling your faith in me, this is the LAST time and i mean it,
sick looking eye;

happyness isn't outsourced
it comes from within
being alive, over time
i found it again.
thank you to all who forwarded my motion
who sat beside my weeping mess of a body
who listened to anger, sadness, sacrifice, lowly states of being
and made room for harmony
for breath
for my eyes to become blackened once more, seeking resistance
finding resistance
and laying down self imminence.

for kind words
for harsh words
for truths bent within parameter of my need to know bas(es)
I needed to know how blind i apparently was to what everyone else saw.
you are my inspiration
you are humanity at it's finest.
now i am fully conscious for anyone elses needs, let me, tell me, speak,
i am here.
I am sound.
I am free.
I am.

copyright.2008.BobYoung.

So, i haven't wrote in a minute.
I have been up and down in waves.
Mostly up, times devoid of negative feelings until given a reason to feel undernourished, have retained.
Still thinking out loud, constantly.
Trying on new theories, in smaller sizes.
Here's a few slovos I can chew on like watermelon gum.

"The place I used to live, made me feel like a tourist
I couldn't coexist with the cold and suspicious
When the last remaining left was starting to filter
It seemed the perfect time to step into the future
And you smile while your twisting the knife in my stomach
Until everything is gone
Take all you can from me
I've got weak constitution
I'm led so easily
So easily

I left it all behind, in the dead of [this] winter,
I left it all behind, but the question still lingers
So long forgotten friends, no, you don't know the difference
Between love and submission, and I'm not that obedient "
Anymore.

I'm shaving my heart from the tough but weak used skin that grew over it like a placenta keeping it safe while in the arms of one and only.
Now he's got new arms to create a mirror image of what safe looks like to women.
It's a seatbelt tearing apart at the seams.

There are only moments at which I feel the most oddy-knocky.
for the boy's eyes, i fear to admit.
the crinkles that spoke in a language only i understood.
The dolphin smile. tiny teeth.
adorable.
it won't last.
with this new girl, i swear, im a psychic. Even if we dont fit,
he still deserves (in the long run) someone as beautiful as he is, and she's not even close.
She's a 10 steps backwards.
Not a bit cuter than any girl he's dated, let alone me.

"This conversation has had no face
when the words take days you can re-write and erase anything
you know my heart (so tell me all thats needed, cause i don't really want this)
knows all this
and I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
to write about all of these faded things
we hope would mean the most to me
and
each line is sent i have found a new pages of hope for the days when i feel like I've lost everything"

rumi's words of the day:
"To the pigeon preach avoidance of the hawk."

-B

Cataloguing excerpts:

" And under pain, pleasure,—
Under pleasure, pain lies.
Love works at the centre,
Heart-heaving alway;
Forth speed the strong pulses
To the borders of day."
-The Sphinx, "The Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson, in 12 vols"

"Once with manlike love and fear
I gave thee for an hour my ear,
I kept the sun and stars at bay,
And love, for words thy tongue could say.
I cannot sell my heaven again
For all that rattles in thy brain."
-"fragments on the poet and the poetic gift. ii. "

"But in the darkest, meanest things
There alway, alway something sings.
But in the mud and scum of things
There alway, alway something sings.

Teach me your mood, O patient stars!
Who climb each night the ancient sky.
Leaving on space no shade, no scars,
No trace of age, no fear to die."
-"fragments on the poet and the poetic gift. v. "

" Tell them, dear, that if eyes were made for seeing,
Then Beauty is its own excuse for being:
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!
I never thought to ask, I never knew:
But, in my simple ignorance, suppose
The self-same Power that brought me there brought you."
-"the rhodora: on being asked, whence is the flower?"

" Each cloud that floated in the sky
Writes a letter in my book."
-The Apology

" *
o She is gamesome and good,
o But of mutable mood,—
o No dreary repeater now and again,
o She will be all things to all men.
o She who is old, but nowise feeble,
o Pours her power into the people,
o Merry and manifold without bar,
o Makes and moulds them what they are,
o And what they call their city way
o Is not their way, but hers,
o And what they say they made to-day,
o They learned of the oaks and firs.
o She spawneth men as mallows fresh,
o Hero and maiden, flesh of her flesh;
o She drugs her water and her wheat
o With the flavors she finds meet,
o And gives them what to drink and eat;
o And having thus their bread and growth,
o They do her bidding, nothing loath.
o What's most theirs is not their own,
o But borrowed in atoms from iron and stone,
o And in their vaunted works of Art
o The master-stroke is still her part."
-NAture Part ii.

I figure it was time to take the book back to the library before my fines reach my height in dollars. :]

so here's my documentation of the best quotes in the book, "The Holy" by Daniel Quinn:

"He was creating a crisis by preparing for a crisis. He was pressing for a decision before a decision was needed." pg.34

"when there's ice to be broken, make the ice-maker break it"
pg 40

"he was like a reformed smoker reaching for a pack of cigarettes that wan't there"
pg173

"This is something i learned long ago, David. Lies are like sleeping pills. You should only use them when you absolutely have to. They spoil everything if you make a habit of them."
"True".
She shook her head in amuzed disgust. "you say 'true' as if you alrady knew it, and yet you just one minute ago there you were, telling me a lie you didn't need to tell, simply as a matter of reflex....I bet you left your wife becaue you just couldn't stand liening to her anymore."
"ouch. Are you a compulsive truth-teller then?"
"Oh, no. Far from it. I'm a very accomplished liar. But I never lie out of cowarduce, and I don't care to be around people who do."
pg258

"Keep watch on yourself and you'll find out. Take note of the things you tremble at and the things you sneer at, and you'll see."
pg288

"Twenty years later you went looking again, but those twenty years have hardened in you tendencies that made you unfit for the company you sought: the tendency to reject anything outside your compass as unreal or unworthy of attention, the tendency to fortify yourself within a shrine of self-regard, the tendency to scale everyone against yourself. All these things defeated you." pg 333-334

"From the outset, you were like someone who avidly sets out to explore a foreign country but stays only at the hilton and associates only with other tourists. You appily gave yourself up to be duped by those of your own kind but were rigidly on guard against those who were trying to guide you into the company you set out to find. You refused every invitation, failed every test, resisted every effort to jolt you from the ruts of your old life. You wanted to shatter the walls that imprison you, but you wanted more to crouch behind them and protect them from assault. You ventured forth to discover uncharted lands of experience and then fled in terror when they proved to be truly uncharted. You wanted to probe beneath the surface of the piddling life your culture gives you to lead - but you wouldn't tolerate being disconcerted. Oh my, no. You wanted your adventure to be all nicely under your control; in fact, you wanted it to be indistinguishable from the life you'd abandoned."
pg 334

"And what special wisdom is it that enables you to determine who belongs here and who does not?"
pg337

"How do you sort through the mess to find out which part was good?"
pg371

"I merely did for him what his God would not."
pg406

the time has come
to break all my promises
tear apart all chains
and cast away all advice

disassemble the heavens
link by link
and break at once
all lovers' ties
with the sword of death

put cotton inside
both my ears
and close them to
all words of wisdom

crash the door and
enter the chamber
where all sweet
things are hidden

how long can i
beg and bargain
for the things of this world
while love is waiting

how long before
i can rise beyond
how i am and
what i am
--———-
Take someone who doesn't keep score,
Who's not looking to be richer,
Or afraid of losing,
Who has not the slightest interest even
In his own personality,
He's free.

Stay in the company of lovers
Those other kind of people
They each want to show you something.
A crow will lead you toan empty barn
A parrot to sugar.

There is a light see grain inside
You fill it with yourself, or it dies
I'm caught in theis curling energy
Your Hair!
Whoever is calm and sensible is insane!

There is a strange frenzy in my head
Of birds flying:
Each particle circulating on it's own
Is the one I love EVERYWHERE?

At night we fall into each other
With such grace
We are tasting the taste
this minute of eternity
When it's light you throw me back
like you do your hair.
Your eyes now drunk with God,
mine with looking at you..
One drunkard takes care of another.

We given up making a living
It's all this crazy love poetry now
It's everywhere.
Our eyes and our feelings focus together
With our words..
--——————-
From the beginning of my life,
I have been looking for your face.
But today,
I have seen it.
Today, I've seen the charm, the beauty,
The unfathomable grace
Of the face that I was looking for.
Today, I have found you.
And those who laughed and scorned me yesterday
Are sorry that they were not looking as I did.
I am bewildered by the magnificence of your beauty
And wish to see you with a hundred eyes.
My heart has burned with passion,
And has searched forever,
For this wondrous beauty
That I now behold.
I am shamed to call this love human,
And afraid of God to call it divine.
Your fragrant breath,
Like the morning breeze,
Has come to the stillness of the garden.
You have breathed new life into me.
I have become your sunshine
And also, your shadow.
My soul is screaming in ecstasy.
Every fiber of my being is in love with you.
Your effulgence has lit a fire in my heart,
And you have made radiant for me
the earth and sky.
My arrow of love has arrived at the target.
I am in the house of mercy.
And my heart is
A place of prayer.
--—————

A lover doesn't figure the odds.
He figures he came clean from God as a gift without a reason,
and so he gives without cause or calculation or limit.

A conventionally religious person behaves a certain way to achieve salvation.
A lover gambles everything - the self, the circle around the zero.
He or she cuts and throws it all away.
This is beyond any religion.

Lovers do not require from God any proof or any text.
Nor do they knock on the door to make sure this is the right street.
They run and they run.
--———————

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
--—————

"you wander from room to room
hunting for the diamond necklace
that is already around your neck."

NEWS:
I have a radio show on Sonoma State's KSUN Online radio now,

Every Tuesday Morning from 10am-12noon

My show is called "The Universal Language of Mankind" and will be specializing in World Music and music before 1750 BCE.

Also, I'm open for anyone who wants to guest co-host, be interviewed to promote your band or show, or do a live set in the studio with your band. Just contact me!
You can LISTEN to the show HERE:

WWW.SONOMA.EDU/KSUN

also, dont be afraid to call in and speak on the show over the phone if you are listening and have an opinion, or even a request for a song (but i still reserve the right to turn down your request if it does not fit the confines of my show!)

707-664-2623 Studio / Requests

Tashakor!

-Bob The Girl

Brought to you by my new psychiatrist, summed up in a pretty nutshell.

It's like you (Bob) are a vegetarian who dated a non-vegetarian.
But, the non vegetarian was really down with vegetarianism and thought it was cool. They asked you to help them with their diet and was willing to learn how to be vegetarian. You never forced them or told them they had to, they were genuinely interested.
But, when they got anemia from being vegetarian, they blamed you.
and it's like hey, man, you gotta watch your iron, thats not my job.
You asked me to help you be vegetarian.

but my spin:
It's more like they blamed me for missing meat. :/


The idea is that no one can hold anyone back from doing anything they really want to do/be in life. Unless they are physically holding you or forcing you to do/not do something.
Straightjackets and handcuffs are prominent in these situations.

Nonetheless, if you want to be something, be it.
You are the only thing holding yourself back, and you can only have a scapegoat, namely an ex, for so long before it becomes apparent that the level of activity versus the talk about being active is portrayed in it's true light.

I swear, all the best metaphors include food. i.e.: pasta and sauce.

Oh, by the way to anyone that actually reads my notes, and or likes them, I will be continuing my weekly ranting, raving, theoretical, philosophical, sometimes logistical and sometimes blatantly crazy talk right here at the SSU KSUN Radio hour with a good friend of mine, Dustin.
I will keep you updated on the times...

So i dont have to spew everything on the internets, i can spew it on the radio waves as well! :D Bwahahahaha

Btw, today was chipper until about 1pm.
some people just *have* to makes things awkward, dont they?
Trust me, if you are the person who made my day awkward i just want you to know that your simple presence made me cry right after you left.
Thanks :(

Update:
After about 7 pm rolled around my day got excruciatingly BETTER! YAY FOR KSUN RADIO CLASS!!!
Im going to be a DJ, Holler!
Oh, and give me suggestions for a cute dj nickname..............


-B