im somewhat disappointed. i have been stuck in my house for two weeks for a uterus infection and a baaad kidney infection, not to mention all the pain my body went through. the first day i go out i planned on taking ralphie to shoot pool at mickeys. the first day i go out of my house i get in a car accident. the first time i DONT have my seatbelt on i get in a car accident. ralph (little brother) broke the windshield with his head and banged up his knees hella good. i dont know how luke is doing. and from what i know luke's truck is totalled and the road was all blocked and flared off. i dont really remember much after it until i got to the hospital. i guess i was knocked out and then blacked out a couple times after that. the emt who was off duty held my neck straight, as blood and drool rushed down my chin, onto his hand. i got a neck brace on and was rushed to the hospital. they said i had multiple face lacerations. they did an x ray on my arm and told my mother i had a hairline fracture. my shins are so bruised that i have to keep them elevated, or it just fucking kills. i need to be helped to the bathroom and thats all the movement i can make. i can be pissed at eveything that happened. but im just happy to be alive. from what i heard my mom was surprised we were still here after seeing lukes truck. i cant walk well. i have follow up doctors appointments to go to. yay. aaaand to top it off i guess ill be declaring bankruptcy since i do not have health insurance and have been to the emergency room more than i should have within the past two weeks. but i guess things happen in threes. hopefully im done for awhile. oh yeah. to top it off.. i lost my job, im sure of it. but things happen for a reason. im here, my brother is here, luke is here. positive thoughts from here on out.

in my opinion, the best revenge would be massive fucking success...

how unusual is this.. the smell of dishwashing soap or laundry detergent completely turns me on...

you can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their eyes. its not about hue, more about depth. if i do not trust your eyes i will not associate myself with you. people wonder why i have kept certain people in my life, since they are considered 'bad people'. because i believe people can change. and i hope that i am the one capable of affecting them in some positive aspect. it blows my mind that most people will never fully live up to their potential...

i get completely sick if i/someone else touch(es) my belly button. not only that if i see someone messing with their belly button i will puke all over their face...



needles. injecting shit into the body. fucking gross. i squirm and scream and kick at the sight of one, even if its in a movie. i hate needles so much. i would rather stick my face in a blender with thick pieces of glass and gasoline, press stop, strike a match, press blend, and throw it in...

i have a pinched nerve in my right shoulder blade. it makes my arm twitch and my upper body ache. sometimes it comes outta nowhere. if youre around and i say 'get it' it means you better fucking massage it out til it feels better otherwise ill go on a fucking killing spree. you think the hollocaust was bad? just wait and see what i am capable of...

i constantly chew ice. no, im not sexually frustrated (trust me). i am very low on iron. and i take three iron pills a day, if i remember...

i DO NOT believe in organized religion. and thats all i will say about that...



i have this thing for numbers, just odd numbers. everything i do i count. if you see me doing something (washing my hands, knocking on a door, number of dead babies i eat, number of dead bodies i fuck, whatever) count it out. it will always end in an odd number. numbers i use frequently are 3, 5, and 7...

i let my dog lick my mouth. inside, outside, wherever...

penis. vagina. two of the most ugly things to me.
a woman's body. the complete opposite. the most beautiful piece of work...

everytime i get behind the wheel i have to light up a cigarette. just something about cruisin and giving yourself lung cancer...



everytime i hear the word 'fabulous' i think of myspace...

i refuse to eat ham (just pork in general), beef(cutting back), sandwiches, or nuts (im allergic, ill die.) and i refuse to consume milk. dear chicken, seafood, fruits, and veggies; you're fucked. im after you...

i will not let anyone mess with my hair, make up, or alter/give me new piercings. i like doing it myself. i like being in control. you know i trust you more than anything if i let you do any of the above. i willingly allowed three people in my entire life do any of that...

i have the biggest issue about your and you're. get it right. go back to grade school. another thing that pisses me off is hearing the word 'anyways'. IT'S ANYWAY. THERE IS NOT A FUCKING 'S' AT THE END OF IT! NO SUCH THING AS 'ANYWAYS'. SIMPLY ANYWAY. golly gee...



i get annoyed when i come across a profile that is set to private. hypocritical, i sometimes set mine to private as well. creeps...

i am not mexican, hawaiin, egyptian, african-american, or middle eastern. i am dutch indonesian, french, irish, spanish, and cherokee indian.

irish accents. yum...



if you dont want me to call you while im on the toilet or hear about any BMs i suggest not to even associate yourself with me...

i will burp out loud. and then rate it, no matter my location...

dutch ovens arent cute, but they sure do make me giggle...

i DO NOT request to be anyones friend. nor will i send you a message first. communication is very rare when it comes to me, however, also important (fyi- text messages are my main source of communication). confusing much? feel special and somewhat delighted if you get anything from me...



i once watched bio-dome twice a day for around three months. then i met pauly shore. total dick. ever since then i havent watched that movie...

paranormal shit excites the fuck outta me...

its hard for me to go in hospitals. it drains my energy, makes me weak, and i get sick. once i leave i am okay. same thing with catholic churches, only with catholic churches its roughly around 340918765 times worse...

i was supposed to be checked in to a psych ward multiple times as a child, to undergo evalutaion and be heavily medicated. why? dreams, more like premonitions. i would have dreams of people. they would be dying. i would tell me mom in full detail as to what had happened. two to three days later that person would die. freakier thing, they would die exactly how i saw it. i was scared to fall asleep, and still to this day that is a fear of mine, also for another reason (only i rarely admit it since it is silly). i heard voices. i heard a little child screaming in my closet. i felt my bed shake. i saw shadows. nothing was normal, but then again, what IS normal...



issues. psychological damages. plenty of OCDs. self-diagnosed adult ADHD. BDD. previous eating disorders i battled & won (anorexia nervosa). multiple drug addictions. depression. once thought to have been bipolar. im so much fucking fun to be around. i keep shit interesting...

i was either to be a courtney or a nicole...

orion's belt is my favorite constellation and by far the most beautiful to me. that also has to do with my ocd of odd numbers...

i was once deathly afraid of clowns, balloons, the sound of foil, spiders, being alone, public speaking, falling asleep, and being forgotten. having growing older the number of phobias have increased. i am rather polyphobic. phobias that would apply to me; Acarophobia (insects that cause itchiness), Acerophobia (sourness), Achluophobia (darkness), Acrophobia(heights), Aichmophobia (needles), Anuptaphobia (staying single), Apotemnophobia (people with amputations), Arachnephobia (spiders), Atelophobia (imperfections), Athazagoraphobia (being forgotten or ignored), Atychiphobia (failure), Autophobia (being alone), Ballistophobia (bullets), Bogyphobia (bogeyman), Cacophobia (ugliness), Claustrophobia (confined spaces), Cleptophobia (stealing), Clinophobia (going to bed!!!), Cnidophobia (stings), Coulrophobia (clowns), Dentophobia (dentists), Dysmorphophobia (deformity), Ecclesiophobia (church, catholic churches..), Eremophobia (loneliness), Gephyrophobia (crossing bridges), Gerascophobia (growing old), Glossophobia (public speaking), Harpaxophobia (being robbed), Helminthophobia (being infested with worms), Herpetophobia (creepy, crawly things), Hierophobia(priests), Iatrophobia (doctors), Iophobia (poison), Isolophobia (solitude/being alone), Melissophobia (bees), Nosocomephobia (hospitals), Obesophobia (gaining weight/becoming obese), Ophidiophobia (snakes), Panthophobia (suffering and disease), Pediculophobia (lice), Scelerophibia (burglars), Selachophobia (sharks), Spheksophobia (wasps), Teniophobia (tapeworms), Taphophobia (buried alive), Teratophobia (deformed people), Testophobia (taking tests), and Trypanophobia (injections)...

if i didnt spell a lot of this correct know that ive been running on three hours in the past 48 hours. if you have a problem with it lick my balls..

=]

ive had about ten different people come up to me, some of them i havent seen in what feels like ages, and they all ask me if certain things were true. some were, most werent. no need for name calling, no need to point the finger. its fine. keep my name in your mouth. all it is is attention. positive or negative. if you really did not care for me you would not choose to make me the center of your world.

close, concerned friends think its wise for me to clear my name and stop the rumors before they are passed on even further. i refuse to do that. i refuse to pick up a mess that i did not create. if people will believe what they hear out of someone elses mouth rather than mine, or if people judge someone based on lies told about them then quite frankly they are not worth my time. a good friend will make sure i am aware. a good friend will ask me about the things they heard.

and if you are reading this know that every little lie that creeps through your crooked teeth i am entirely aware of. i know what you are, who you are. i know why you are doing it. and at the end of the day i somewhat feel sorry for you. youre reaching out and crying for attention. and the only way to feel accepted in a low-life crowd is to lie and hurt someones reputation. darling, you cant hurt me, you cant hurt my reputation. it is your immaturity that will act as a knife, slowly killing you from the inside. its pretty pathetic. but by all means.. keep talking your shit. youre making me famous.

"people are always gonna talk and to tell you the truth, I LOVE IT. i love the attention. i do what i do because it puts a smile on my face and im the only person in this world that matters." -jenna jameson

as some of you know im not one for religion... doesnt really seem to strike my fancy, but i would never discriminate against anyones beliefs. i was invited to go to church with my boyfriend and his family.. most of it was singing, but i didnt mind much. the pastor began to talk and it didnt matter if you were a christian or agnostic, or what have you, but it was a lesson on life. the greatest gift God has ever given us was the gift of time. He gave us life. it may not last long, but in that time we have the power of happiness, friendships, and love. if you do not believe in God or any other being greater than life then think of it this way: life is too short to be mad or hate against everyone all the time. we should learn to care a little more. we should learn to accept things for how they are sometimes. we should learn to laugh a little louder. and we should learn how to love. thats all for now. night.

People constantly come in and out of your life,
but it's the certain few that make a difference...
and the certain few who can change your life forever..

The same wave will never crash against the earth twice. The glowing of the breaking waves were like mother nature's fireworks from the water. The green glow was so beautiful I hesitated to believe it was actually real. The sound of the ocean clashing together, yet so synchronized, left me calm and at peace. The feel of the ocean pushing its breeze into my face and through my hair made me forget all of the wrongs and all of the pain. It's amazing what sitting on frozen rocks at midnight looking out into the dark sea could make you realize.. 

There is so much beauty in the world..
yet no one seems to ever notice..
or they are too busy to even care.

The wind danced around behind me, causing a breeze to find its way into my sweatshirt, but my face was glowing red as the fire kept me somewhat warm. My body faught between the two temperatures, never compromising. I almost forgot how cold I actually was when my mind was lost in the fire. My eyes were fixated on the beauty of burning wood and loose flames flying above the fire pit. One by one people around me departed, making their way to their weekend bed. Only a few of us remained awake. Only a few of us put our backs against the ground as shooting stars raced across the sky above us. Only a few of us watched the sunrise gently over the mountains, creating colors I never even thought were possible. I feel so comfortable, but I'm far away from home. This was one night I won't forget..

out of touch with reality.
what is normal?
define normal.
no, im not okay.
im far from it.

distant.
everyone seems so distant.
and its distance that kills me.
i feel alone.
i never wanted it to be like this.
im so alone.
loneliness will be the death of me.

independence.
i know i can get by on my own.
but i need someone.
dependence on someone else
trusting someone else
hoping for someone else
ive always found comfort in that.

my mind races
trying to find answers
to questions unknown.

my body
weak
my mind
weak
my stomach
empty

my immune system has dropped
and this sickness has taken over

when will it be over?

physically
mentally
emotionally
im drained

drained from feeling
drained from emotion
drained from caring at all

i feel so alone.
im all on my own.