so for all the fans of the cigs:

let me take your hand and walk with you through the ICU.

and there you will meet someone; someone very special.

You will get to see him, only he cant talk because he has tubes running through his mouth and down his throat. not to mention the ones going through his chest, arms, and fingers.

All you can do is sit there because his entire body is so swollen from having 3 lung surgeries that he cant even lift his arm off the bed and is almost unrecognizable to his own family. With the 3 surgeries his lungs are still collapsing. The doctors dont even know why.

His food has been givin to him through an IV for the past 30 days and on his good days he gets a little juice from a spunge.

Then I can show you his tracheotomy that he fianally got to have once they were able to stablize his lungs. This will allow him to say a few words at a time by covering the hole in his neck. The down side is that since he is not strong enough to cough it up into his mouth without choking, the flem comes out of the hole, so he has to get it cleaned twice a day.

Once they release him to a rehabilitation center I can show you his bed soars and his 24 hour care unit, because he cant take care of himself.

Once he is released to go home we can take him to get his excruciatingly painful lung clean-out once a week. And meet the nurse who gets to vsit him every day to do tests.

then you can tell me that it really relieves your stress just that much. because I know no one smoke because it makes them feel a sense of independence or maturity that just couldnt come without them. Please I would love to hear you convince me that its worth it. Especially since you know its pretty much inevitable that you will end up just like my grandpa, who's wife died seven years ago because she couldnt beat the lung cancer that took over her body and now he goes every single day retired and alone. please, really.

Have you ever had someone who always wants to talk to you. All the time. And they never give up its like you have no idea how this person could love you like they do because when you think of how good they've been to you it only exaggerates how much of a jerk you've been to them. And no matter how much of a jerk you are in your eyes, they still never think of you as one.

They're always thinking about you, and they are often on your mind as well, but you just have SO much going on that you just can't seem to make the time to just be with them, even though you want to. And it the guilt becomes like a chore you lug around with you everywhere, even though you know it's so completely unnecessary because they just want to be with you so badly that it doesn't matter to them how long it's been or what you've done.

Have you ever had someone that just the thought of them overwhelms you with indescribable emotion almost beyond your own comprehension of feeling? And the thought of their love towards you is like that again, except a million times over. And they just want to talk to you and be with you.

Have you ever had someone that you feel can see right through you and somehow know you better than you even know yourself?

And just hearing your voice is all they need.

Have you ever had someone who pushed away every awful thing you did and only saw every wonderful thing you can do?

Have you ever had someone who you felt loved you before you even knew them?

You probably have, but I bet your someone didn't separate light from darkness and defy the laws of nature just to die.

Just for you.

Have you ever had someone like that?

"depictions of heart"

I drew this most recently to try and convey the messege of the true power and beauty of words. My siter katie always used to tell me how much words have power whenever I would make some sort of sarcastic statement and I would just laugh, but it's so true. Words are the very verbalizations of our character. They  allow us to illustrate little pieces of ourselves for everyone to see. So interpret this how you please, but this was my inspiration for this piece.

1-22-07

leah ashley

Our continuous circumlocution,

around and around we will go until silence seizes us both

and confusion refuses our surrender.

To mollify our racing anger to mollify our growing fears

would be our sole key,

but for for now we are but mere foreigners to each other's eyes.

Restraining this internal time fuse

can only be temporary.

We've been trapped in the midst of a hornets nest

pleading for this animosty to succumb to our deep-seated amity

I am pleading.

apprehensiveness is now a constant component

my eyes unceasingly burn, and if not my eyes then my stomache

I dont understand why all the factors must work agianst the current of hhow it was supposed to be,

or why your timing      was so perfectly amiss.

but it is what it is.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me? Or did you ever have a crush on me?
5. Have we kissed? If no, would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When’s the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
15. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
16. What is the biggest memory you have of me?