With each turn of the razorblade through the fingers

The more the mind is being made up

The heart torn apart and battered.....

To the point of numbness

The Heart gives in to the Mind....

but does he care

Obviously not as pleas to return go ignored

So with swift motions

Across the pale tender flesh

The razorblade goes

The drops of Blood flowing so freely

as each tear falls

A peice of the heart is lost

Blood so thin as it flows so fast and so freely

The longing for Death

Can be tasted within the sweetness......

 of thy blood....

Nothing to hold the heart here any longer

That bond was broken by.....

The cheating heart of a Lover

A Lover that never returned.....

The Love that was given so totally.

As each cut from the razorblade....

A life slips away....

Thrown to the wolves.....

One that done the betraying.....

Never wanted the one who stands.....

In Deaths Doorway.

No one to Stop Death from....

Claiming this Life....

As the Blood Flows like Tears.

you sit there and spout out your hypocritical bullshite

it just makes me sick to even read it.

i was right to never trust you

all you ever did was lie

and spout out fake feelings of "i do care about you" bullshite

you may have only known things of me that i choose to show you

but you never really knew me,

just as everything that slipped from your lips was a total and utter lie.

just because you think it's fun to fuck with somebody's head and emotions on the internet.....

DOESN'T FUCKIN MAKE IT RIGHT......

i'm pretty certain that you even lied about your name,

true i never told you mine just my nickname,

cause i knew in my gut you weren't to be trusted.....

and i was completely right about you.

your just a liar and a total fake

and i wash my hands of your sorry arse

i do forgive you for your bullshite

but you serve no purpose in my life so banished from my life and from truly knowing me is your fate in my life

you shall remain non-existant to me your lies will fall on deaf ears cause i will no longer listen

so goodbye, and may karma be unmerciful for all the pain you have caused others with your lies.

where has our love gone?

i miss the safe feeling of being in your arms

i hate the coldness

you say your not going anywhere's

but that your still pissed at me

just longing to hear you say

that you love me again

i know it's my fault

i'm to blame for everything

just tell me what i've got to do to make it right

i don't hate you i never could

i love you with every bit of my heart

i miss you

though your still here

i want your love back

i know my faults and i'm trying to fix them

please forgive me

please love me again

if you had any

honor

or

even loved me at all

then you'd have told me

who the little slut is that

made the offer to be with you so you'd leave me

your choosing her over me

by not telling me who the loser is

you claimed you said "no"

but how do i know you won't tell me

exactly what you said or they said

and you know

they done that to intentionally cause problems

with us.

and you are stupid to keep them as a friend

knowing they are trying to break us up.

you won't admit to that cause

YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT ON IT

but you don't love me

since this secret your keeping

will.... is going to tear us apart

you must want me to think your like "Bryan" and "Dc"

cause they threw and kept such things from me

and now i hate them with every fiber of my soul.

you have no honor or love for me if

you continue to protect the identity of that nasty slut

who obviously is a home wrecking peice of shite

who can't keep her fucking legs closed!!!

you claim your trying to protect me by

lying to me and keeping this secret

YOUR NOT PROTECTING ME

YOUR BREAKING MY HEART

YOU DON'T LOVE ME

by keeping this from me

you claim you want things to work with us

but you keeping and hiding things from me

is only gonna destroy this relationship

and you keeping this secret

makes you no better than "them"

i know your not like them

SO STOP HIDING THINGS FROM ME LIKE "THEY" DID!!!!!

you have no honor or loyality

since your choosing this slut

over somebody who loves you completely....

and i would do anything at all for you.....

no matter what you asked of me!!!

is this slut worth losing me over????

i can see it in your eyes

the love you had for me

is gone...

your still here physically

but your heart

is gone...

the coldness from you

makes me shudder

and want to run from you

but my heart

refuses to let me run...

even though

your gone...

my love hasn't waivered one bit

but yours has

and now

your gone...

i long to feel that love

you had for me once,

but how can i when

your gone...

only a matter of time

before you leave physically

i don't want you to slip away

i want you in my life

but what can i do to change that

when your heart has already left???

for those that have been reading my blog everytime i post a new writing. i do appologise that i haven't been around too much as of late. i just haven't felt like writing anymore poems or stories even. and i'm also sorry that i've fallen behind on reading the writings that my subscription list has written as of late. i'm just in a state of numbness and i just don't feel like doing much of anything, and though i've had a few writings just come to me i've let them slip away without having the feeling or the urge to write them down.

i barely even look in the direction of my computer and just seem to wander listlessly around the house during the day and i just do house work or even working on a pillowcase stitching it for my daughter just to keep myself occupied or i stare restlessly at the clock waiting and worrying until a certain person gets home from work.... so i don't feel the emptiness that seems to be gripping me as of late and i don't even know why.

but take care everybody and hopefully this is just a phase and that it'll pass and i can go back to doing the things that i love to do, and not feel like becoming withdrawn and distant from those that i love as well..

You've stolen my heart completely

and you'll always have my heart

for as long as you want it

i love you so very much

and i now know

that you love me

i've missed you so very much

things seem to be looking up now

maybe they'll stay that way now

i don't want to lose you

your the love of my life....

and such a wonderful man....

i finally see that completely now

now i know where your heart is

and that you won't stray

i'll never give you a reason to stray

i want your heart to always be with me

just as mine will always be with you

i love you baby.....

Funny how the other Slices have healed

but the pain they were trying to numb

Still Remains

Now more pain has been caused

More Slices to be added to the others

So many Slices have been made

over 15 now

and yet the pain in the heart hasn't been numbed

the hurtful words have done there damage

so more Slices will continue to be made

no matter how many or how deep they run

maybe Death will occur

to Bleed out

before the day's end

More Slices continued to be made

the hip nothing but a bloody mess

Do you even care??

Can you Live with the Guilt...

of the pain that your words have caused???

My heart feels so Heavy

as if it's breaking

No, wait it is breaking

you saw to that when you made the statement

"I'm not leaving Heather for you"

you have made it so clear

that fat pathetic ugly peice of shit

is who you really want to be with

YOU DON'T WANT ME

the moment those words left your mouth

you made my heart die

you don't care how much you really hurt me

the Vampyre is becoming distant and withdrawn

the Werewolf wants to tear the slut apart

to see her blood spilled and her destroyed

in retubution for the pain you have intentionally inflicted

you've made my heart heavy with pain

so much that I don't want to love anymore

I don't want to feel anything anymore

I never in a million years thought you'd on purpose hurt me like this

but it seems I was wrong and you have

as  much as it pains my heart

if you don't truly want me

then just set me free

before you are the result of my demise

cause your not acting like you do

and all it's doing is destroying me

and the love I still feel for you.

but if you do love and want me

then just fucking show it for a change

and stop choosing that fucking fat ass slut first

your girlfriend should be first,

unless your still in love with that slut

and hoping and wanting to be with her?

the Vampyre curls up more inside becoming withdrawn

and now starving since those words left your lips that night

wanting to die

the Werewolf becoming more enraged

wanting the fat ulgy cunt gone for good now

as well as in a grave 6ft under

the Beast wants to go hunting

the target is that nasty slut that can't keep her legs closed!

The battle rages on to see who's going to win between the three

and what is going to happen to the nasty whore.

The Vampyre depression and heartache only enrages

the Werewolf and the Beast more

They want her blood spent

I want to die.....

Can you handle the guilt that your killing somebody

you say you still love

the moment you said those words

"I'M NOT LEAVING HEATHER FOR YOU"

or are you just that selfish

that your trying to see if you can break my heart??

He felt her and ever being in his body wanted to move but he was dead, been dead for a long time his soul watches her crying out to her, missing her needing her. Why didn't she follow where has there love gone. Though he looked at her she wouldn't see him not at first but slowly she would see the outlining, and when she stares upon the mirror or the water she would see his decaying corpse trying to touch her, slowly the water seems to ripple as a hand comes from the water between her legs to grab at her face this should surely freak her out.

He would become anger and stuff would start to fly off of the shelves to the ground the toilet would explode as the bathtub would start to crack the bloody water being knocked out as his rage and anger took over he wanted to touch her he missed her. His presence would disappear from the area as he went back to his body but it was no good, he found a more subtle body upon a fresher corpse by a prison he went into it and bought this corpse back to life crawling out of the grave. He would make his way to the hospital area and moving slowly he would find things he needed, he would insane his flesh, he would bandage himself he would find everything he needed, stumbling around as he made his way back towards her place. He fell and found a pair of blades that seem suitable to him though the owner of the weapons did not think so.., though his head is now upon a street lamp. He would break into her home and find her in the bathtub for him it was hours for her it would be right after everything went haywire he would stand there staring at her wanting to touch her moving to touch her chuckling laughing*

" Mine all mine I am back mine yes oh yes you are now mine "

The lights where dead she could not see his form what he really looked like though the scent of a corpse and fresh blood and gore would be smelt upon her sensitive hearing his voice would be different but something inside of her would scream Jeraven Estradalus her ex-boyfriend who died long ago due to her, due to a drive by. But he stood right here ten perhaps twenty years later though he never knew she was a vampire hear he stood what would this do to her already unstable mind.

As she was laying there in the water her eyes barely cracked open. As her eyes started to close further the trickery of the candle light in the bathroom, who make her think she was losing her mind as she for a moment thought she seen somebody standing over her. She starts to sit up slightly and with the shimmering of the blood filled water the image disappears as she looks over her shoulder. As she starts to turn around she sees a hand what seems to just appear right from the blood filled water she screams startled as it reaches for her face and she moves up the back of the tub and scrambles backwards landing flat on her back as she gets to her hands and knees about the time what little she had in the bathroom starts having a mind of its own.

She scrambled weakly to her feet as the toilet exploded and all she seen was blood go flying everywhere. She screamed watching the tub start to crack and her blood mixed with the water would start to spill out upon the floor. She covers her ears as everything continues to clang around and she thinks shes really losing her bloody mind. Just as everything stops going to hell she gets the feeling of being watched and she turns around to see something standing behind her. She growls softly smelling the scent of a corpse that was overwhelmingly rotten. She backs away as the thing moves towards her trying to touch her. She screams. "Stay the hell away from me you…. You thing "

She snarls slightly and smirks backwards toward the second bathroom door that leads into her room just on the other sides of the bathroom counter. He may blame her and say that she's the reason he's the way he is and what he is now but it's what happened to him that drove her to this insanity and lead to her becoming what she is, hence why she sees the blood on everything. " I am not yours, I belong to nobody "

As she backs away she can only see the outline of this thing, though she had already picked up the scent of the blood, rotting corpse and gore upon him as soon as he entered the bathroom the smell overwhelmed her making her cringe. Though something seems familiar about him but she shakes away the feelings and she can swear shes losing her mind from the blood loss though what little blood she has left she can feel it surging through her veins as she now runs on pure instinct as she turns quickly and pushes the partially open bathroom door open and runs into her room grabbing a long t-shirt as she does sliding it on quickly she makes a dash for the bedroom door to get away from this thing. She weak and she stumbles as she starts to run past the bed and trips over the blankets left in a mess across the floor sliding shoulder first into the night stand she scrambles to her feet looking for this thing as she grabs the large butcher knife that fell off the nightstand onto her lap. She grips it tightly as her whole body trembles and she looks around nervously.

(7/4/05 2:45 am)

She draws a tub of hot water to take a bath though the water looks like it's nothing but blood. She goes to the bathroom counter and grabs the pill bottle from the counter popping the bottle open she takes the two hundred something pills popping them in her mouth a handful at a time drinking them down with the strong glass of wine. She finishes taking all the pills as she then looks in the mirror her black eyes showing her insanity as she sees blood streaks down the mirror. She goes over to the bathtub and climbs into the scolding hot water though it looks like blood to her and she sits there after she reaches over and shuts off the water.

Running her fingers through the water she still thinks it's blood and not water though she knows the blood isn't real as she can't smell the scent of blood but just seeing this is enough to drive any sane person insane. She leans back against the edge of the tub and sinks down into the water and lays looking up through the blood, as she doesn't need to breathe she just lays on the bottom of the tub. She surfaces after a few minutes. She now sits there once again the blood dripping down her face and her shoulders. She grabs a straight razor and holds it to her wrist as she licks her crimson colored lips.

She starts to drag the razor over her skin quite slowly at first and as the scent of actual blood hit's the air as she licks her lips and the insanity of the sight of blood takes over her and she begins to make more cuts along her left arm first shredding it to ribbons as the blood trickles into the water. She licks her lips again as she can feel the blood flowing from her body she starts to get slightly light headed from how fast her blood is trickling though her body tries to repair the injuries to her flesh. The process is slow due to the reality she hasn't fed in several days so it makes her weak.

Finishing the cuts to her left arm she moves to feverishly slice open the tender flesh of her right now. The tub soon becoming dark with her blood when she continues the slicing of her flesh. She starts to become very weak from all the slice marks upon both of her arms and she reaches up with her blood covered arm and wipes away her blood tears from her face and it being the arm that her razor is in her hand so it ends up slicing her forehead open just above her eyebrow and the blood quickly rushes down her forehead and into her eye.

She drops the razor down on the floor as she wipes at her face once more smearing the blood further on her face. She doesn't quite feel the pills she but boy if she was still mortal she'd feel them, oh how she wanted to feel numb without a care in the world. She slips down in the tub as she starts to become really weak and even her flesh starts to show how weak she is as she lets her black eyes close and lets death sleep state of the kindred take her over in the hopes that she'll bleed out fully and finally die.

Tired of this he moved and slammed himself through a wall and taking her in his arms, as he rammed himself throw wall after wall, after wall until they burst through the bricks and out of the building, the free fall as they fall through a moving car killing those underneath as Jeraven mumbled as he growls outwards. " You listen here bitch, I returned for you and if you don't like it, you can blow my corpse like dick" She screamed out as he was slamming himself through the walls now and fragments of the plaster of the walls and wall studs being broken from him busting through several walks leaving cuts on her arms and legs and even her face as she had no choice but to cling to him and she lets out a horridly loud scream when he busts through the bricks and free falls a few stories into a car that was moving. She heard the metal hood crumple underneath of them and the cars passengers didn't know what happened as they were killed instantly. She snarls at him hearing his growl and when he makes his remark she snaps back with her own retort. "Oh please your dick wouldn't be worth sucking" She starts to pound her fists against his chest as she snarls for him to let her go again though she loves him more than life its self though in a way she blames him for what happened to her, that if he hadn't died she'd never have been made one of the immortals.

Without warning Jeraven flung her from his body, and as she sailed away he seemed to shift and appear right in her face aiming a hammer blow to her back to send her down into a park car, as he landed on top of a light post laughing as he stares down at her. " Such words from another corpse, it is rather fun to see, that you hate me even though it is your fault, I died, interesting concept, if it wasn't for you I be alive, and you hate me what a load of crap" Flipping off he landed upon the ground, and started to walk towards her, his power growing as he was pissed off, rolling his head he could feel the bones crack, and mend themselves, as he stares at her licking his lips once again. " Let us dance the dance of lovers, and death to see who's heart beats for who"

(8/20/05 1:37 am, 8/21/05 1:22 am, 8/21/05 5:32 am)