well i found a job.. i work at a day camp.. there will be horses and children.. i'm pretty excited..

i feel compelled to go to seminary.. and that actually scares me to death.. in that, this is huge and i don't want to screw it up way of being scared to death..

that, and i'm a little afraid that i will be called to something i'm not good at..

but God doesn't call the qualified.. he qualifies the called.. right?

i stole that from clint..

does anyone want to move to boston with me?

no really.. andria has a show saturday night at the french quarter cafe.. 823 woodland street..

if you're my friend you will come out and pay five dollars to see us play for thirty minutes.. well, you get to see the guys we open for, too..

in other news.. relient k is playing sunday at rocketown..

and i am trying to plan a mission trip to mississippi for june..

and i still need a job..

the end.

officially, i will be taking a 'break' from my graduate studies..

i pray that i will have more clarity a year from now about whether this break should be permanent..

i think it will be, but who knows these things, really..

i do know that i am still unemployed.. can't stop thinking about it..

applied for some things today.. we shall see.. but i am running out of dollars..

at least i paid rent.. i guess..

dear jesus, please don't let me have to sell my guitar..

on a happier note.. shannon bought me a chocolate bar today..

go figure.. it actually gave me the same letters as when i took the real myers-briggs..

but since it's almost february.. which i hate.. and talia posted this in her blog.. i don't hate her.. i thought i'd be a follower and post it, too..

yay..

..> ..>

Your Love Type: INFJ

The Protector In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship. For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls. Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in. However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself. Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

i got to be a make-up model today with shannon.. we pretended to be brides.. it was pretty fun.

this prompted me to have a photo shoot in my pink dress.. i like the pink dress.. and make-up.

that's really all there is.. i'm bored and waiting to rinse the dye from my hair.

who the hell dyes her hair at 3 am?

i guess i do.. don't judge me.

school starts tomorrow..

today i started taking bartending classes on the side..

i'm dead serious..

i don't even want to be there anymore..

school, that is..

and maybe that is immature..

well i don't care.. how's that for immature..

shh..

that's what i thought..

i write clever words on paper
i sometimes think i don't believe at all
i've never felt so fake
so false and such a lie
i couldn't even look him in the eyes
he was 25 like i was
but he was deaf and slowly going blind
he made my faith seem worthless
the things i hoped were pointless
and he fought to stay
but always dreamed that he could leave this place

the angels wings will cover you tonight
hallelujah
press your head against the breast of christ
hallelujah

it made me feel so empty
collapsing on some ditry bathroom floor
and isn't it just like me
to mourn his passing breath
when he will never suffer anymore
beautiful his pictures
fading black and silver
and i sing of faith
but his was true and fierce and i will miss him

the angels wings will cover you tonight
hallelujah
press your head against the breast of christ
hallelujah

the angels wings will cover you tonight
hallelujah
press your head against the breast of christ
hallelujah

a wise woman once told me that following christ is not tidy.. but by faith it is worth the cost.

we grow up inundated with the idea that security is something to be grasped.. earned.. accomplished.. we are told to find security in our careers.. our finances.. our 401k.. whatever.

there is nothing wrong with any of those things.. but when they are the thing that drives us forward.. maybe we do have a problem.. when our quest for security or love or money or whatever becomes more to us than out quest to be more like christ.. we've missed the point of life.

so running after christ isn't tidy.. true story.. but is running after tidiness worthwhile?

christ is more important than tidiness, right?

i hope so.

right.. so i'm a little frustrated with life right now.. or grad school.. or god.. or something..

i really just want someone to tell me what to do.. but not just anyone.. a burning bush in my living room would be nice.. as long as it didn't scorch the floor..

i cannot even begin to put down here every thing that has run throuh my head these last two weeks.. had i written it all down it might have been a short novel.. but to summarize..

i do not enjoy school.. i already have a degree.. i'm starting to think that enjoying the next five years of my life might be nice.. the idea of liking my work is a tempting one.. is that so wrong? no..

but i have this stipend.. this opportunity.. some incessant little voice in my head keeps telling me i'm being irresponsible and selfish even thinking about giving that up..

but in the end it's just an opportunity to make more money later.. who needs that, really? well maybe i do.. retirement sounds nice and all..

but since when does the end justify the means.. does having money to retire on really justify a lifetime of drudgery? hell no it doesn't.. but it still sounds comforting..

but how certain is is anyway.. the whole economy could go belly up right before i retire.. we'd all feel pretty foolish then, now wouldn't we? it's pretty unlikely.. but you never know.. really..

and that's kind of like that guy jesus talked about in the parable of the rich fool (luke 12).. but not really.. because that guy dies and all the things he stored up for himself are laid to waste.. but they are similar..

and either way.. no one wants to be that guy..

but then again.. it's not like getting an advanced degree is evil or something.. that's silly..

but that isn't even the point.. i'm not unhappy at vandy because i might make a lot of money in the future.. let's not be ridiculous..

in fact i don't really know why i'm unhappy.. i should be happy.. my life kicks..

except i feel like i'm hiding from something.. which is all very complicated and hard to explain and i'm tired of typing..

so basically.. grad school may suck.. but it's comfortable.. logical.. i have a bahelor's.. this is the next step..

but you know.. it's been awhile since i've really been out of my comfort zone..

question of the day.. what do you want out of your life five or ten years from now?

my best answer.. meaning.. i'd like that out of my life right now, too.. but i can't seem to find any.

i can't help but sit and think and wonder if i'm getting this whole 'life' thing all wrong.. it's like an obsession i have.. maybe that's because graduate school seems to suck the life out of me most of the time.. i don't think i want it bad enough.. i don't know what to do about that.

and as far as meaning.. i've got nothing.. going back to church might be a good place to start.. i feel dead.

i think it could be time for a change.. or several.