Hello Friends!

Just a quick update about my education.... 

Bless my husband for trying to give me the freedom and support to get the college education I've been trying to get over the years.   But, as it would turn out, it is easier said than done.  It's been very hard on him, financially, as he has been (and still is) the sole bread winner since July, 2009.  So, now that this semester is about done, I have been looking for work since the beginning of this month.  Part-time or full time .. doesn't matter much, as long as the hours are "somewhere" between 8am & 8pm and Sundays off.  

It was on Nov 5th that I applied to Advantage Sales & Marketing LLC.  On Nov 11th, I got a job offer from them.  This job offer was a Merchandising position working 8-16 hours per week in one store in Torrance and 8-16 hours per week in another store in Norwalk.  The beauty of working as a Merchandiser for these two particular stores, is that I could work these hours any time, M-F during business hours.  Ok, so I jump through the required hoops to become an actual employee of theirs, "officially" as of Nov 20th, only to be classified as a Retail Project Merchandiser.  What this means, is that I would have to keep checking their job board and self-assign myself projects.  This is a complete waste of my time!  It takes a lot of monitoring just to get a one hour project. 

Take this first week of being "officially" their employee.  There were no "opportunities" all this week, until this morning.  There were three "opportunities" in my job board.  Each one was an hour long, paying $13.25 each store location ($39.75 total to do all 3 locations: Anaheim, Fullerton & Garden Grove).  When I went to accept them, they vanished!  I don't know what happened to them.  I guess someone else who was a few seconds faster than me, got them.  Ever watch fish when you sprinkle fish food into the tank?  The feeding frenzy that it ensues?  That is what this "self-assign" system is like!

I'm sorry, but if I am expected to stay glued to my monitor, just hoping & waiting for "opportunities" to work an hour here, an hour there .. I refuse to do it!  It is just insane!  Just how much per hour am I really getting?  Certainly not $13.25!  When you factor in how many hours were spent staying at home, monitoring the job board to get "crumbs" and the total drive time from my home in Long Beach to GG then to Anaheim to Fullerton and back to Long Beach .. an estimated 1.5 to 2 hours trip drive and est 49.34 miles .. the estimated cost in gas/wear-n-tear is $27.14 just for me to do the 3 stores ... per IRS, for business driving it costs 55 cents per mile (IRS Announces 2009 Standard Mileage Rate) and the 3 hours of actual work pays $39.75.  Take out taxes, the $27.14 for gas & wear-n-tear on my car ....  my estimated profit is a whopping $4.66!  So, my hourly pay is actually about $1.55!!!  And that is not even factoring in the fact that I had to stay at home to watch my job board for the work in the first place!  Just watching that freaking job board IS a job in and of itself!  And you don't get paid to do that .. and you don't get reimbursed for the gas & wear-n-tear on your car for driving all over the place.  Needless to say, I am not pleased that this company did a "bait and switch" on me. 

You know, now that I've just done the math, I'm glad someone else took those 3 stores!  HA HA!!!  So, I'm back at square one:  looking for a REAL job!

Hi Friends!

I just need to talk about this .. vent a little, if you don't mind?  The first pregnancy I had, miscarried.  The second one was aborted.  My son and only child, was my third pregnancy.  After the birth of my only child in 1986, I had several miscarriages before we got our divorce in 1990.  I, also, had a few miscarriages since my divorce, with the few boyfriends that I've had.  I had always hoped that at some time, I would remarry before the age of 40 and we'd have one or two children together.  Well, 40 came and went ... and I was still very much single.  So, I basically gave up on the possibility and hope of ever having any more kids.  But, then I met a wonderful man in March 2008.  We were married in May 2009.  We had been discussing the possibility of having a child before my menopause hit.  So, we agreed that in June, I would not take my quarterly depo shot.  At my age (45), we knew it would be a long shot, even a miracle to have one healthy child, but we decided to give it a try.  Ironically, since stopping the depo shots, I actually conceived early July, I think.  All I know is, I had a period late June, but did not have a period in July.  However, on August 7th, I miscarried.  There is no mistaking what is a miscarriage!  This next part is very graphic in describing a miscarriage, so if you are squeamish, then don't read the green text. 

The discharge of a miscarriage is blobby, bloody chunks ... imagine thick strawberry jam mixed with fiberous tissue .. yeah, it's gross looking and feels like your uterus lining is being ripped out from the inside .. and there is various levels of discomfort and pain till it's all out of you.  A miscarriage can last anywhere from three days to a couple weeks.  Don't ask me why some only take a few days to be over, and others take longer.  They just do. 

Here's where it starts getting really crazy.  Sept 9th, another period .. a miscarriage.  Two weeks later, another miscarriage.  Skipped period in October.  Seven weeks and two days later, on Saturday night - Nov 14th my period came.  Yes, it was another miscarriage.  The discharge has not stopped as of today.  Up until Saturday night, I was excited and hopeful that this pregnancy was going to take and go full term.  Seven weeks and counting!  But, no.  It didn't make it.  The big blob was discharged early yesterday morning.  I felt it come out, as if it were torn out of my womb.  The pain was intense, but bearable.  As soon as the initial peak died down, I went to the bathroom to clean up.  My undies were soaked in blood and there was the blob.  I scooped it up with a wad of toilet paper as I sat on the toilet, held it briefly in my hand and wept quietly, so as not to awaken my husband... I guess I had been in the bathroom a long time cleaning up.  My husband asked me if I was alright when I got back into bed.  I told him what had just happened.  Another baby lost.  We talked about it yesterday morning as we snuggled in bed.  I was sad but held back from crying because I did not want to upset him .. but then he began to cry and I started crying with him.  I just could not stop my own tears.  That's all we did for a few minutes as we held each other in bed yesterday morning.  We just cried. 

I was upset and sad about it all day Sunday and that afternoon, when my husband went to his band rehearsal, I actually sat down and counted all the miscarriages that I've had over the years and now.  Ten miscarriages!  I don't know how many would have been boys or how many would have been girls, so I typed a list of 11 boy names and 11 girl names. I gave a name for the one abortion and a name for all the blobs that got flushed down the toilet over the years and recently.  I have extras on that list of names, in case I missed any. 

Last night, we were driving home from a friend's home, he brought it up again.  He says he can't take this any more and wants me to start taking the depo shots again as soon as this miscarriage is over with.  I agreed.  This is just too much to take for the both of us.  Last month, we discussed this.  We agreed that if there were more miscarriages, I'd go back on depo shots.  We just never agreed on how many more attempts we would give this.  We, also, agreed that if having a child was not in the cards for us, that we would adopt 2 or 3 siblings after I got my RN license and hired ... tentatively in 5-7 years, we will adopt.   Well, after our shared tears in bed yesterday morning, it is obvious to us, it's time to stop trying to have a child and time for me to get back on the depo shots.  I did not know that he really wants to have a baby with me.  I never realized what a heartache all these miscarriages have been to my husband, he's been handling them so well and he has kept me strong.  It wasn't until yesterday morning that I saw his pain.  It was his tears that broke me down and got me crying, too.  As much as it was hurting us, I am relieved and glad that we stopped trying to be strong for the other and let the tears come.  I am glad that we cried together and admitted these miscarriages are now too much to take.  I don't know if he's shed any tears alone, but I did in the mid-afternoon yesterday.

As always, thanks for reading!      

Hello Friends!

Thank you for visiting my blogs today .. and for reading here.
 
Tonight, I feel like blogging about my college life.  The first two months I loved going to college and not having to work.  But then I started to feel really overwhelmed and bored with the whole school thing.  I wanted to just be done with school all together.  I have had several episodes of sheer panic attacks & bouts of major anxiety last month and this month.  They were so intense, I'd finally breakdown and talk with my husband and tell him I am quitting college after this semester and will get a job as soon as possible.  Then within a couple of days, the panic attack or anxiety attack would disappear and I want to stay in school and get my AS Degree in Registered Nursing.  Just FYI: by the end of the Fall 2010 semester, I will have all my general ed requirements done and will be able to start the actual RN program Spring 2011. 

Apparently, I'm not alone in these feelings of panic and anxiety.  While having my lunch in the LAC cafeteria on Monday, a former co-worker happened to stop by there and we chatted for a few minutes.  He told me that he was tired of going to school and wants it to be over.  He's in the RN program there.  In an attempt to help him cope with the stress, panic and anxiety of college, I shared with him, something I do after the peak of my attacks to help me get through them and continue on with school.  I told him that I tell myself that if I DON'T finish school, I will always be working graveyard and/or minimum wage & low paying jobs for the rest of my life.  He didn't say anything back to me, just walked away, saying he had to go meet a friend.  I hoped my two cents helps him get through the rough spots in his college education.  I will probably never know if it did, or didn't.

OK, guess that's all I have for you tonight...thanks for reading!
Good night......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To view the Mask, go to my photo albums


    How others see me, is not based solely upon how I personally perceive others perception of me.  It is based, largely, on how I have been treated by various people in my past, recently and presently.  I will start with the drawing of a girl without a mind.  The first instance of this, was when I was in the 11th grade.  I had researched colleges and when I had decided upon which one, I went to my dad to talk about it.  Mainly, to find out if he would pay for it.  He said no and even told me that it I attempted to attend college "on my own", within six months, I would be selling myself just to eat.  Many employers have looked me over for promotions, even though I had the experience from a previous job and would hire or promote someone else.  This tells me that they see me as not being able to think, incapable of learning, in short, in their eyes, I am stupid.  This ties in with being lazy, unmotivated, a flake and being an underachiever (not living up to my full potential).

    The "punching bag", slave and caregiver.  My ex-husband (cohabitation: August, 1982 to June, 1989) and the first boyfriend (cohabitation: off & on from August 1995 to January, 2005), I had after my divorce (April, 1990), apparently saw me as someone to which they could "unload" and "dump" upon.  My ex-husband mostly abused me mentally (psychologically) and emotionally, but there was some phisical abuse durring our years living together (08/82 to 06/89).  That first boyfriend abused me in every way imaginable: mentally (psychologically), emotionally and physically.  Also, he saw me as his personal slave and was extremely controlling.  He was so controlling, he had taken all of my personal identifications and my clothing and locked them up in a chest.  I could only wear what he set out for me.  Starting in mid-January, 2001, he demanded that I quit my job.  He beat me twice a week, till I obeyed him and quit in March, 2001.  After that, I could not make any phone calls to my family, write them letters or leave his apt.  He would call me from work about every 30 minutes, randomly.  If I did not answer the first call, he would call back in 3 minutes (to give me time to finish in the bathroom).  Then would call back in 3 minutes and if I did not answer that call, he'd come home from work and punish me (he worked across the street from our apt), then return to work.  He was the worst!  My mother, also sees me as her caregiver and slave.  Ever since my divorce, whenever I have had to live with her & my brother, it's been me who has had to give more than my third of financial responsibility.  I was giving her my third of the rent, utilities & groceries, yet she was always coming to me with disconnect notices to pay.  We basically, never had any food in our kitchen, forcing me to eat out much of the time.  Where did my 1/3 money contribution for utilities and groceries go to?  She used me as a financial slave, as I was always broke, living with them.  I finally moved out of "our" leased apt in October, 2007. I was no longer broke after that.  Recently, I have had to physically care for her.  Even though, she has the means to hire a part-time caregiver, she refuses to and "guilts" me into being her nurse.  Well, I can't do it any more.  I am a full-time student and a wife, with my own domestic responsibilities to take care of now.  But she still expects me to be her part-time caregiver.  So, this makes me feel like her slave.  This is how she sees me, her caregiver-slave.

    To my son, I am his therapist.  Pretty much, about the only time he calls me is when something is upsetting him or when he's feeling lonely.  But, to most people, I am an angel, loving, Spiritual, Godly (God fearing) and bring sunshine into their lives, to name some of the positive things others have said to me, about me.  But, more important than these kind compliments from others, is that I can feel this positive perception of me, from them.  By and large, the majority of people treat me with dignity, kindness, respect and compassion.  I can know, from this, that the majority of people do not regard me as a stupid mindless girl, or any of the negative images that a few people perceive me to be.  But, it wasn't till a few years ago, that I finally realized that it wasn't "everbody", but rather, only a few people that regard(ed) me in these negative ways.


    I've always been a quick learner, making me very capable to do anything I set my mind upon and when I do something, I will work hard to get it done and done correctly.  I take a great amount of pride in doing something well, the first time!  I am a creative, artistic and intelligent woman who is quite loving, reliable, generous, honest, trustworthy and very down-to-earth.  I have always been Spiritual minded, God-fearing and to do anything wrong, bad or without integrity is very uphauling to me.  I cannot behave in such loathsome ways.  I am altruistic and a die-hard optimist.  Because I believe in people to eventually do the right thing, I give people several chances.  In short, I am very forgiving and patient.  At least I try to be as much as possible.  While I am basically, an open and friendly person, I do tend to be guarded and will excercise caution whenever I meet somebody new.  Depending upon "the vibe" I pick-up from another, I can be "closed", extremely open or anything in-between.  I don't automatically slap labels on people.  But I will, if I feel you've earned the label.  I'm not too pleased with this fact, but I'm at least honest about the whole "labeling others" thing!  I'm working on it, though.  I'm always willing to improve, where needed.  I'm not perfect, and I know this all-too-well!      

Well, the situation with my graveyard job at Walgreen's did not work out as I had hoped. Thursday - July 24th (7/23 graveyard shift ending at 7am on 7/24) , was my last day at Walgreen's.  My plan to work part-time for Walgreen's on days and pursue my violin, has been replaced with being a full-time student, to become a RN.

Hi Readers!

After our show last night @ Taco Beach in Long Beach, CA ... their promoter came up to me and asked me when they could have us back there again.  My reply:  when would you like us back?  He offered me a couple of options.  I accepted an offer for us to play every other Saturday night, starting August 22nd!  If you would like to know more and/or to hear us, please go to

http://myspace.com/manhattanprojectbandrocks

for complete details and to listen to their demo cd.

Thanks for reading!

I was able to get my Store Manager to "agree" to put me on days, part-time, quote: "as soon as he can find a qualified replacement for me" .. Hopefully, I will be able to take advantage of working part-time, starting next week.  I've resumed playing my violin last week, something I have not done since December 2007!!!  yeah, kinda rusty..... but it's coming back to me rather easily .. one thing that I've longed to do for many years, but never really had the time or opportunity to do is to perform professionally on my violin ... that is now something I will pursue, now that I will be part-time at Walgreen's.  Another thing that I will do starting this week ... is increasing my time helping my mother.  She's not able to do things like she used to and is now in a wheelchair... so ... she'll be getting more help from me and I will be taking off some of the burden from my brother.  Last but not least, focusing on my own health.  Working out was something I just did not have the stamina to do when I worked the graveyard shift.  Now, part-time days will give me relief to do it and stick with it everyday.  Perhaps working part-time is what's best for me now?

Hello Readers,

Another thing that was going on with Walgreen's, is that I had asked a few times to have Sundays & Mondays off, so that I could attend Church.  Having to work graveyard shift Saturday nights, makes me very sleepy for Sunday morning services.  When I would go, I would fall asleep during sermons.  Going into work Sunday nights, I'd be extremely low on sleep and exhausted, needless to say.   So, I tried a few times, to get my schedule changed.  Nobody would do it. 

Recently, I had need to be off on April 12, 2009, so that I could attend a midnight (10pm to 1am) service with my Church, it was denied me by my Store Mgr.  After some research and talking with my various Pastors, one of them referred me to the Pacific Justice Institute -  their web site URL is http://pacificjustice.org ... they specialize in Religious discrimination and helped me with knowing my State & Federal civil rights.  I am now being accommodated by Walgreen's to observe a Sabbath day, because of the help I got from the PSI attorneys.  The best thing about them, is that their help is at no cost to you. 

Of course, my victory is still waiting to materialize.  I only got verbal agreements from my "higher ups" on this.  My rescinding of my resignation was on the sole condition that effective July 09, 2009, I no longer work the graveyard shift AND that they accept and honor, my new availability, effective July 09, 2009.  OK, that's 2 conditions!  Very simply put, if I see that I am scheduled to work any days or hours not on my new availability, I just won't show up.  No explanation will be given, they made a verbal agreement with me to schedule me for only those days & hours I gave them on June 25, 2009.  I let them know, that I am willing to work at multiple stores within 30 miles of my home AND open to working other positions (photo lab, cosmetic, floor and my current one, etc) ... in order to get steady part-time or full time hours "somewhere".  There's plenty of flexibility here.  I was prepared to walk this week.  July 9th was to be my last day.  I can and will walk if I have to rehash this ever again.  Four years on the graveyard shift is long enough!  I've paid my dues with this company, working that horrible shift for so long.  I either get better days & hours now, or I will walk.  No more discussion will there be on this.  It's no longer a matter of preference to work days, it is a matter of my HEALTH!!!!  So, let's just see what happens over the next week, month and beyond...... Will Walgreen's honor our verbal agreement, or will I have to walk, after all?

Hi - thank you for taking an interest in my entry:  Do you - or someone you know - work swing or graveyard shift?

I have been doing some rather extensive research on health problems associated to or directly as a result of working the swing and graveyard shifts.  It is overwhelming, the amount of medical research done on this subject, dating back to 1997.  At least, that is the first (oldest) dated reports on this subject that I have come across. 

In every report that I have read, every single one reports that women who work graveyard are at a 60% risk of getting breast cancer.  Men who work the graveyard shift are at a 60% risk of getting prostate cancer.   Hmmmm, I wonder.... how much of a higher risk are those with a family history of breast and/or prostate cancer?  My Aunt had breast cancer & my Grandfather had prostate cancer.  I have been working the graveyard shift since August, 2005.  How much higher of a risk am I of getting breast cancer?  Throw in the fact I am diabetic, making me even more likely to catch ANYTHING!!! 

The health problems associated with working graveyard are MANY!!!  This is because you are going against your Circadian Rhythm.  You can get high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep deprivation, lack of quality sleep, stomach & digestive disorders, disorders with your sleep-wake cycles, gastrointestinal distress, poor psychomotor coordination, problems with: body temperature regulation, hormone secretion, urine production, entire endocrine system and the pineal gland (the production of melatonin) which is governed by your sleep/wake cycle ... just to name a few things that are affected by interfering and tampering with your Circadian Rhythm.  To put it in a nut-shell, our bodies function cyclic... this is an internal function and nothing you can really change.  By working at night, we are challenging this basic human physiology!   

Whie I did not print out every single article I read on this subject, I have printed out about an inch worth of these medical reports, 12 reports total.  You can read them yourself, by going to the following web sites & pages, and doing a search for the articla titles in parenthesis (xxxx):

 1)  WebMD.com (Circadian Rhythm Disorders)

 2)  eMedicineHealth.com (Sleeplessness and Circadian Rhythm Disorder)

 3)  HealthLink.mcw.edu (Sleep and Circadian Rhythm)

 4)  London Progressive Journal - Issue 7, February 22, 2008 online at londonprogressivejournal.com (22nd to 28th February 2008, Issue 7)

 5)  Supervisor's Safety Update (SSU 2003-02) - The Human Aspects of Shift Work by SeaBright Insurance Loss Control

 6)  Peak Day Blues:  Get thru the graveyard shift! http://peakday.blogspot.com/get-thru-the-graveyard-shift.html

 7)  NIOSH - Plain Language About Shiftwork by U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES - Public Health Service - Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, DHHS (NIOSH) Publication Number 97-145, if you cannot find this report online, or if you want a copy of this 40 page report mailed to you, you can call the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) at this number:  1-800-356-4674 or 1-800-232-4636

 8)  Articlesbase.com (Increased Cancer Risks Associated With Working The Graveyard Shift)

 9)  afscme.org (Shift Work)

10)  IBN Live http://ibnlive.in.com/news/working-in-graveyard-shift-you-may-be-at- cancer-risk.html

11)  FRED HUTCHINSON CANCER RESEARCH CENTER - http://fhcrc.org/about/ne/news/2001/10/16/graveyard_cancer.html

and

12)  Rightarticle.com (Increased Cancer Risks Associated With Working The Graveyard Shift).

What prompted me in doing this extensive research, is because I have worked the graveyard shift since August, 2005, and still am working the graveyard shift.  For over a year, I have been suffering from various health problems, that I intuitively knew was caused by working the graveyard shift for almost 4 years now.  I just needed proof .. and now I have it! 

What I have been experiencing is mentioned in most of these reports.  Since working the graveyard shift is hard on any normal healthy person, it is even harder on someone who is diabetic, like me.  My health problems will only cease, when I no longer am working graveyard.  My health now requires that I work only a normal day shift.  I'm working on that with my "higher ups", but so far, nothing has happened, even though I had requested the shift change back in Dec., 2008, in writing - along with a letter from my own Doctor, supporting me. 

I just learned a new store is opening up just a few miles from where I live - and is due to open up April 21, 2009.  Why am I not being transferred there full time days?  My medically based request, supported by own Doctor, is not being complied with.  What recourse do I have in this situation?  I don't know, but I am looking into this matter now. 

For those of you who work graveyard, and are having any of the health problems mentioned in these (and other articles) on this subject and/or are at a higher risk of cancer, like I am .. Please contact the writers of these and other articles and let them know about your health problems.  We need to have the community pull together and educate others, namely employers, that working graveyard is detrimental to one's health.  Before now, we may have only regarded working swing & graveyard as a nuisance, undesirable and to be avoided ... now, we have the proof:  medical research reports, that have found these shifts to be dangerous to our health.  I'm living proof of this, weather or not, you want to accept this.  I know that what I've been suffering is because of having worked the graveyard shift way too long.  Studies have shown that working swing & graveyard shifts for more than six consecutive months is damaging to your physical & mental health.  The damage only gets worse the longer you keep working these shifts, till you get to the point of where I am now, my health condition routinely breaks down and I cannot even go to work (or leave home) for 1-3 days/nights - this happens every 2 weeks, like clockwork.  This is a chronic condition, because it's been happening for more than 3 months and nothing I can take, makes this condition better.  Only staying home and living a normal day time routine "fixes" me .. but 2 weeks of working graveyard is all my system can take, then I am "down" again .. unable to leave home, due to this health problem.  Now, I am in danger of losing my job due to this problem, according to "my boss's" verbal warning of last week.  There's nothing I can do about my health problems ... but what really gets me steamed, is that these health problems would have disappeared completely, had "they" done as my Dec., 2008, shift transfer request - submitted along with my Doctor's letter of support- had requested:  switch me to days asap!!!  "They" could have transferred me to ANY LOCAL AREA STORE to accomplish this, or to the one opening up at Cherry Ave & Market Ave in Long Beach (opening April 21st - next week).... but NO "they" did not do this, cuz here I am, four - almost five - months later, still working the GRAVEYARD SHIFT at the same store I have been working at since August, 2005!!!  What "they" did, was to approve me to transfer to days in the new store scheduled to open in late August, 2009.... but recently bumped up to July, 2009.  In the meantime, I have to continue to endure these bouts of encompacitation till then.  And I am being threatened of my job security, when they could have avoided all this, by just switching me to days back in December, 2008!  WHEREVER they could place me ... anywhere .. even if I had to work at 2 diferrent stores till a new one opened up & I be transferred to a new store F/T days ... that would have been better than the suffering I am enduring from continued graveyard work!  And don't think I haven't tried to get a day time job .. I've been trying since the start of all this, over a year now, and believe me! .. it's not easy working graveyard, being extremely tired most of the time, too sick to leave the home on other days ... it's been very hard indeed to do a proper job hunt!  Neither can I "just quit" cuz I'd be homeless and starving if I did.... so, I have no choice but to wait and suffer this until I am finally blessed with a Miracle from God of a full time day job.... and right now, I really don't care much what company I work for .. working full time days is my utter most and highest priority.  I do want and prefer to continue with Walgreen's for many, many more years ... but I may not have that option soon, it may be taken away from me .... is this fair?

A few days ago, I got a MSN Chat Message from someone I'd not communicated with since 2005.  She was the "Leader" (for a lack of a better Title) .. I don't know what her "official" Title is.. but like me, she is Wiccan .. but she is more than "just" a High Priestess, I can't recall how Tom referred to her... Anyways .. I got a MSN IM Chat Message from her.  I replied to it, inquiring about a kinda-sorta ex-boyfriend of mine (Tom W.) .. we were unofficial, but we were together in a way .... for about 2 & 1/2 years, till he decided to move to Boise, ID .. but we kept in touch with almost daily emails and him calling me once or twice a week for several years, then many months had gone by and I heard nothing from him, no emails, no phone calls, so I decided to break the silence and emailed him... no reply .... sent another .. no reply .. finally, I call him only to get that cell phone recorded message announcing this account is no longer active .. or to that affect.. I didn't know what to think, other than maybe he was mad at me or something .. So here it is 2 years later, getting this MSN IM Chat Message from his HPS.  I reply back, asking her if Tom was still apart of her group and if he was, please give him my email address & phone number.  The next day, (yesterday).. I got an email from her, informing me that Tom passed away 2 years ago!  He never said anything to me about his having a fatal illness.. I never would have thought, that the reason why he wasn't replying to my emails or calling me any more, was because he had died "sometime" between my last email to him and the email I sent him again about 4 months later.  It never had crossed my mind that he died.  How could I possibly come to that realization, when he never once told me that he was dying?  Never prepared me for his eventual death.  All this time, I've been thinking he's been mad at me... Yes, I am very sad about finding this out, two long years after the fact!  Geeesh.. I think I'm gonna stop "looking up" and trying to reconnect with long lost friends!  This is now the second time that I have been told that the person died.  The last two, were my high school friends Mike Carr & Mike Elliot.  Yeah, it was two years after Mike C. had died, that I finally was able to make contact with his mother, only to be told he passed away in 2003!  and that Mike E. had passed away about 10 years before Mike C died.  I've gotta stop trying to find old friends, all I get back is bad news!  Like with the news about the two Mikes' deaths, the news of Tom W's death hit me hard last night.  It was quite a shock to me.

WOW!!!

It was pretty amazing what happened earlier today, as I was stopped at a stop light.

For some reason, I just got this "message" to watch my rear view mirror while stopped at a red light.  Normally, probably like many of you out there, you just stare aimlessly ahead of you, or perhaps mindlessly look around or just stare intently at the red light, just waiting for it to turn green.  Right?  Well, not this time for me!  I really had this "message" in my mind, "Sandi, watch your rear view mirror"... "you better watch it" .... and as I watched, feeling silly for it, another "message" popped in my mind, "just keep watching" .. and sure enough, I saw this one full size van approaching me FAST!  He wasn't stopping!!  "Oh my God, oh SHIT!!  Oh no!!!"  ... Silly me, I press harder on MY brake, thinking.... willing this van to stop .. then I very quickly realize, "Stupid, that's not gonna make HIM stop! ... I need to move forward.  I need to go.  NOW!!!" ... in panic I actually forgot how to move forward (the gas pedal) .. "you need to go NOW!!!" screams in my head and just as I placed my foot on the gas and move as far into the intersection as I safely possibly could (I was the first one in my lane at that red light) and I continued to look into my rear view mirror.... as I moved forward, this van moved swiftly into the space I just vacated!!!  I shit you naught!  If I had not punched forward when I did, this van would have hit me hard in the rear, still doing about 30 miles an hour!  The van's tires burned rubber, brakes screeching hard and loud, smoke billowed from all four tires from the driver hitting them so hard .. the smell of the burning rubber was strong and not pleasant to breathe in ... Miracle of miracles, the five feet that I moved forward, gave the van just the room it needed to come to a full stop, literally a mere few inches from the back end of my Jeep.   I was still looking in the rear view mirror at this point, and the driver (an older man, about in his late 50's or early-to-mid 60's) swung his right arm up to the left and shouted a kind of "Ya!  Wooo!" cheer of great relief of NOT hitting my Jeep in a rear-end collision that would have been really bad.  I mean it!  This man must have been driving damn near 60mph S/B down Paramount Blvd.!!!  It's just before the 91 East on ramp ... so I fortunately, had some room to move ahead, safely into the intersection.... not much room, mind you, but that five feet was enough to get my Jeep out of harm's way, and not put myself in danger of getting hit by cross traffic, exitting the 91 from my right.

Thank You, my Sweet Loving Angels, for watching me so closely today, warning me to watch my rear view mirror and SHOUTING at me to move forward "NOW!!!".

The study Dr finally started me on the study drug (an oral form of insulin) on Sunday, Feb 15th.  I was to take 3 tabs, 4x daily.  Well, each time I took the 3 tabs, I'd get a little nausea about 2 hours later.  Throughout my first week on this study drug, the nausea gradually got worse, to where I actually dry heaved just as I began to work a week later.  I had trace amount of blood in the spittle, which alarmed me .. I went home only 36 minutes into my shift.  I went to Kaiser Urgent Care that Sunday afternoon and was told to discontinue the study drug and did as he told me.  He said it's likely that it's nothing serious, just a build up reaction to the study drug.  If I continue to vomit or dry heave after 48 hours, come back to the Urgent Care for further care.  Well, once I stopped taking the study drug, the nausea never returned.  I went to the study Dr later that week (Friday, Feb 27th) and told them I am exiting the study.  They had what they wanted to learn:  the study drug made me nauseous and eventually vomit (dry heave) ... That Friday, while waiting out in their waiting area, I heard the study Dr talking with another one of the study subjects, that one was also, having the same reaction as I did to the study drug.  And she was telling that one the same as she told me, "continue taking the study drug" .. my God!  What more info do they need?  2 people are having adverse reactions to the study drug, vomiting!  No need for us to keep taking the study drug, they have the clinical info needed from us two study subjects.... I for one, listened to my Kaiser Dr, and had stopped taking the study drug when he told me to stop.  I was so relieved to not have that nausea 4 times everyday!!!  I hope the study Pharmaceutical company keeps trying different formulas, till the right mix is found.  It will help a lot of type 2 Diabetics, like me!