Wow, baby, you're going into fifth grade! I can't believe how fast the time has past. Gone are the days of you learning how to walk in your little osh kosh b'gosh striped overalls. You're on to much bigger things...joining band, wanting to be a rockstar, being clever and witty. I still look at you every moment of every time we're together and think "Wow, that kid is really mine." Even when you're annoying or doing something you know you shouldn't be doing, I just marvel at you. People serch their entire lives for a miracle, but if they had you they would see it, so plainly. You are the very best thing in the world. You're bright, clever, funny as heck and your sunshine just touches everyone around you. So many people love you and cherish you and I'll always hope that you keep that close to your heart, that it always remains important to you.
You are so very lucky to have people love you like you do. Your dad and Jennifer have been amazing with you and I'm kinda envious that they get to spend more moments with you, but alas, I know they were my own decisions that lead us to not be together every day. I hope that someday I can make it up to you, even if you feel like I did nothing wrong.
A few weeks ago you said something that touched my heart so deeply and I will always remember this even when there comes a time when you will inevitably hate me. When I asked you how old you would be when you didn't find me funny anymore you just shook your head, rolled your eyes and said, "MOMMY! I will always find you funny, you're HILARIOUS>" You had so much love in your eyes Alex and I knew it was true.
Getting back to the subject of the letter.
Fifth grade was my favorite year, by far. It was the year that I first learned about Kwanzaa and Hannukah and it started a love affair with all things Judaism. It was the year I truly fell in love with books and learning and made me a forever fan of Avi. I had the most amazing teacher by the name of Susan Kirk-Davalt and she was the most outstanding teacher by far I have ever had. I used to have daydreams of you enrolling in whatever school she was teaching at just so you could experience the joy I did. Sadly, she passed away a few years ago, so that's not possibly. I hope though that you have just one teacher this year that inspires you to be better, to do better, to see something in a different light. There's always a defining school year for everyone and I hope if you already haven't had it, that this year is it for you.
One last little thing, one little bit of advice, if I may. Be YOU. Don't be afraid of who you are and who you want to be. God's perfect love shines on you and you should be who he MADE you to be. You  are brilliant and fantastic and thet love of my life. You can do anything, and I mean ANYTHING Alex, even if it's something crazy like jumping on a trampoline on the moon, you just need to figure out HOW.
I'm done rambling now, but baby, sweetie, my sweet little love. You are my perfect miracle. My one answer to every single prayer I have ever gotten on my knees for. You make me smile and you're not even here. I love you infinity, to the moon and back at least 100,000,000,000 times. Don't ever forget that you are somone's somebody.
I'm so proud of you little one.
Love,
Mommy

I don't know if I should have laughed or cried when Josh said to me, "I'm just shocked you're behaving this way. I have NEVER seen this side of you."
Shockingly, or not so much to the people who love or hate me, I was being the C word.
It's not surprising to me. I've been known to be a C a time or four and the friends that know me best know that I can explode from time to time. It builds and builds until it can no longer contain and then Mount Candice explodes.
So, why would would I cry?
He doesn't know me. Everytime he says, "You don't this, or you don't say that..." It stabs me in the gut, in the heart. Because FYI, bonehead. I DO. You've known me for over a year. And it feels like he never once tried to figure out how I tick. It's always been the remark of, "You're weird," or "What's your deal?" Or he'd ask the same question in a different way trying to get a different answer....and I can't do it anymore.
I'm just so very tired. I can't pretend to be someone I'm NOT. We're not together, we're not best friends. Hell, at this point we're not even good friends. He's simply a roommate. There's no secret yearning or desire to jump him. I don't think about him when I'm at work other then the sinking feeling that the clock is slowly climbing to five and I don't want to be away from my sanity. He always comments that I never laugh, never joke never smile...but do you see me?
 Do you see me singing to myself and bob my head to music that comes out of my headphones as I make calls through the day? Do you hear me laugh with a patient and see me nod my head agreeably and empathize with someone with too high of a copay whos insurance is trying to dick them out of their chemo? Do you see me with my boss talking shit about Orlando again over their latest screw up? Or how a higher up needs to wash their hair at some point? Pros and cons about coloring hair with the insurance sup? Sneaking to insurance to gossip and laugh hysterically with Meems or Rachae or Leah or Linds? Calling Lilia a chola for the 10th time that day or saying "Hello to you girl?!"
People like me at work. I'm fucking hilarious. I am what I want to be there. People see me for who I truly am...you don't. And it's sad. I'm sure everyone but me sees you for who you want to be too.
How did you and Heidi do it?
I just can't care anymore....

LOL why do I think I'm being smooth with my son when it's apparent it NEVER works? I thought me moving to Albany should be kept on the down low...you know just in case something weird happens up here...amazing job happens, I find the love of my life, I buy a house...whatever weird thing else could come up. I didn't want him to be disapointed if I didn't come through. BUT, he told me that his step mom saw my COUNTDOWN message on my profile and mentioned it to him...I had to laugh. I am NOT good at keeping things to himself. Good job, Candice. Good job. I'm even more of an idiot for letting Myspace tell my news before I get around to it

But yeah, there it is.

I've been kinda coy about it, but I guess there's no point anymore. The first goal was November 1. Then Josh asked if I would stay until January 1 and I said sure, what's the big deal of two more months and now I'm rethinking it....I don't know why...in the GRAND scheme of things it's NOT that big of deal...two more months of saving, planning, two more months of enjoying the area, my job, my friends. It just feels like I'm going to miss out on something monumental with Alex, it's two less months with him. Will it make a big diff to him? No probably not...this anxiety is ALL mine.


I'm nervous you know? Leaving everything that has BECOME my home to the area that was my home for the first 22 years of my life. I left the area because of a guy, bigger dreams and frankly a horrible past that I wanted to escape. I couldn't breathe living down there.

So, living up here has been wonderful....I've grown so much, experienced so many different people that I never would have back home. My idea of life, of love of MYSELF has changed five fold. I didn't have anybody from my past to watch over my shoulder to remind me who I was, for the first time in my life I wasn't just Penny's daughter, Steven's much hated daughter...I was just me...and it's been lovely and I love who I've become.

But then there's Alex. This sweet angel has been through so much with me. He has been through so much of me morphing into the person I am. He made move after move after I got itch after itch and he was a trooper and he said he loved moving. Then his dad said he wanted him to live with him and Jen and I thought it was a great idea and it was....a completely stable enviorment for him...the same school, house, friends...I wanted that for him from someone since I couldn't give that to him. And then I fell apart without him.

So we moved. And that didn't work out. So we moved again. And that didn't work out. And then Asher and I missed Portland and I felt suffocated again so we moved again back up here.

I don't know what I've been through in the last year that has changed my heart so much. It's just a simple everyday events of everyday. I think I finally realized that Alex may be my one and only go around at being a mommy. I think it's me finally waking up and admitting to myself that I'm NOT a bad person or a typical Lebanon girl for WANTING marriage and kids. There's no shame in wanting to settle down. I think I developed such a stigma against it and I built myself so much against it that I felt less then if I admitted I wanted such simple things.

I want to be a part of a team again and really work with Brad and Jennifer and just give Alex the best life we can with all of his family around him. I don't want this dream anymore where he moves to ME because it's easier. I don't want to be selfish anymore...he has everything he needs in Albany, it's ME that's missing and that's sad. It's really fucking sad on my part.

Not to say I regret what I've done, because I don't. This has made me a much better mother. I seriously fear if I had stayed down there...if I had swallowed whatever yearning for freedom and adventure I had...if I had just followed my mothers advice that she readily gave out of, "Now that you're a mother NOTHING you want matters anymore," I slowly would have lost my mind and treated Alex JUST the way I was treated growing up. Because of this I can calmly look him in the eye and speak with him, because of this I can tell him I love him even when he's not my favorite person, when he cleans something and it looks horrible I can tell him thank you anyway and mean it from the bottom of my heart. I can let him who he's going to be too. I don't want to suffocate him or hide him from the world. I want him to shine as he's meant to do, in whatever way he ends up emitting that glow.


If you're reading this Brad or Jen. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You two are the reason everyday Alex can wake up in the same place. You will never know how much I cherish you two and I think the world of both of you.

Old email I sent to brad a little over three years ago in regards to Alex. I love this email dearly

I was going to email you a few days ago, but forgot about it. I thought you might want to know the ADORABLENESS OF OUR SON.

So when Alex and I are in the car last Monday after we met in Donald, he told me that his grandpa died. I asked him which one and he said that it was Jennifer's grandpa.

I asked him how he felt about it and he said that he was very sad. I asked him if you had cried and he said no, but daddy felt bad for Jennifer. I asked him if Jennifer had cried and he said that Jennifer was close but she didn't.

He was quiet for awhile, and I thought he was done talking about it. And then he said this,
"I think Grandpa Art is in heaven with Papa Steve and I think Grandpa Art has his own star now, and he can watch me."

I wasn't too sure what to say. It was one of those overwhelming moments where he caught me off guard. So after a minute I told him that I bet grandpa art was in heaven too, and he could do a better job of protecting him there with Jesus then he could here on earth.

He then told me that he has alot of guardian angels. He has papa steve and grandpa and grandma boss and now grandpa art.

He then asked said, "Mom when we get home I want to pray for grandpa art. He's probably in heaven, but I want to make sure."

Again, my eyes welled up. I'm sucha crybaby when it comes to him.

He asked if Ryan and him and I were going to go to church. I told him that him and I could but Ryan doesn't believe in God. Alex FREAKED out lol and said WHAAAT? What kind of stupid head doesn't believe in God? He just couldn't wrap his little brain around somebody NOT believing in God, and it was totally cute

I thought he would forget about praying for Art. He didn't say anything after that. So I tucked him into bed a little later, gave him his good thought and gave him a kiss, turned off the light.

He called, "mommy! you forgot something!"

I came back into the room and asked him what we forgot.

He rolled his eyes and said very impatiently, "I said I wanted to pray for grandpa art!"

I apologized and told him we could pray.

He closed his little eyes and folded his hands and looked up to heaven and said, "Dear Jesus, please watch over my grandpa art. Let papa steve show him heaven and let him watch over me. Please protect him. Amen."

He opened his eyes and smiled and said that God heard him and he can go to sleep now.



He just amazes me sometimes. His faith is so simple. I'm glad we took the time to take him to church when he was younger, and I'm glad I took him with me when I was going to church with Jeremy last year. He's not worried about finding the right church, or the right religion, he just knows that God loves him more than anybody in the whole wide world, and it makes me so happy. I feel good as a mother knowing that I gave him one of the most important tools he'll ever use to help him get through life a little bit saner. He doesn't question his faith, or if God is there or not he just believes, and it's such a beautiful thing.


Anways, sorry for the long ass email. Just thought I'd give you a headsup to our son and his relationship that he apparently has with God and give you some insight to how precious he is when he talks about God. His eyes just shine, and it's just precious.

What did we do soooo great to get someone like him? He's going to grow up to be such a caring, sensitive, wonderful, thoughtful guy. *happy grin*

This song made me cry hardcore listening to the lyrics, but this is simply beautiful. It's just another example of how much music can reflect what we're feeling, we're thinking and what we can't find the words or courage to say

Katy Perry
I'm used to opening my own doors and splitting the checks

He introduced me, was always just a friend

I bought a new dress, he never noticed

Always falling for these bad boys, such a challenge

I'm getting tired, of cleaning up after them

I think I'm ready to be a woman



Oh love, I think I'm ready

Ready for it



You were such a surprise

An unexpected gift

Said I was pretty, and I believed it

Not really used to all this attention

Told myself I don't deserve you

And this is just a phase

Could I get used to, being loved the right way?

I wanna argue, but there is nothing to say



Oh love, I think I'm ready

Ready for it

Ready for it

Oh love, I think I'm ready



Cuz you send me flowers, when there's no occasion

Yeah we talk for hours, you still wanna listen

Won't hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight

My mother always told me that you'd show up one day

So scared to feel this way but love, I think I'm ready

Ready for it

Ready for it

Oh love, I think I'm ready

Ready for it

Ready for it

Oh love, I think I'm ready

Josh and I are done, caput and I am just....blank. My eyes hurt from crying. My voice hoarse, my spirit damaged...
For the first time in a very long time I was crazy...irrational. I put everything on hold for him, to be with him. Crazy plans made sense and I couldn't do enough for him, couldn't love him enough. If he had asked me tomorrow to marry him, I would have said yes and wouldn't have even cared about the size of my ring, the location, I just would have been with HIM and he was all I needed.
I sensed it coming for awhile...the distance, but still, tonight, after the day I had, the depression I'm going through... I thought it might have been a figment of my imagination...but it's not. It's real and it's my life.
I don't hate him...he feels bad, but I'm angry. I feel duped and betrayed...but surprisingly...I'm feeling strong.
He was right what he said tonight. I gave up alot for him, who I was, I thought when he got distant, it was something "I" was doing. He was downright douchebaggish to me sometimes....
I'm alone, but I will be okay. He was right about something else tonight. He said maybe I did alot of things in my past that weren't great, but I was optimistic about my future, I was secure in my faith and in MYSELF and now I don't feel that way at all...we were bad together, when it comes down to it..or maybe we weren't bad together in a friendship sense.
Being told, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you...." hurts like a bitch. My heart feels bruised and battered. But I have great friends and family and a future waiting for me. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or next week, but this is all a building block for a better me.
And out there is an awesome guy who SOMEDAY will love me for me and it will be a wild crazy passionate in love that I deserve.
And p.s. I want to fucking get married someday and have babies and I"m not going to pretend different. Not anymore, not for anyone.
Suck it.

Going through my old blogspot right now and I"m finding some interesting things...some that are silly, some that are hilarious. There are moments of enormous embaressment that have me thinking, "Oh little girl you are so stupid." And what I'm noticing alot of is...sadness.
I came across this poem and honestly it was put in my blog seven years ago so I'm not sure if I wrote it or if I just found it online. However, I did put the words on a search engine and couldn't find it ANYWHERE, so maybe I DID write it. It took away my breathe reading possibly my own words and being able to feel the blackness that was my heart at this point in my life
I leave you with mystery poem


When He Comes

Sometimes he comes for me at night.

When it's cold and dark outside.

I can see him outside my window, beckoning me, to join him in his world.

I'm frightened but I can't escape.

His eyes, dark as coal burn into mine.

I'm transfixed.

He moves over me, overtaking my strong pleas for peace.

He heeds my cries.

Then he leaves, returning to the bleakness that is his heart.

Are you gonna

Live your life wonderin’

Standing in the back

Lookin’ around?

Are you gonna

Waste your time

Thinkin' how you’ve grown up

Or how you missed out?

Things are never gonna

Be the way you want

Where's it gonna

Get you acting serious?

Things are never gonna

Be quite what you want

Or even at 25

You gotta start sometime

I’m on my feet

I’m on the floor

I’m good to go

Now all I need is just

To hear a song I know

I wanna always feel like

Part of this was mine

I wanna fall in love tonight

Are you gonna

Live your life

Standing in the back

Looking around?

Are you gonna waste your time?

Gotta make a move

Or you'll miss out

Someone's gonna ask you

What it’s all about

Stick around nostalgia

Won't let you down

Someone's gonna ask you

What it’s all about

Whatcha gonna have

To say for yourself?

I’m on my feet

I’m on the floor

I’m good to go

Now all I need is just

To hear a song I know

I wanna always feel like

Part of this was mine

I wanna fall in love tonight

Crimson and clover

Over and over

Crimson and clover

Over and over

Our house in the

Middle of the street

Why did we ever meet?

Started my rock 'n roll fantasy

Don't don't, don't let's start

Why did we ever part?

Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart

I’m on my feet

I’m on the floor

I’m good to go

So come on Davey

Sing me somethin’

That I know

I wanna always feel like

Part of this was mine

I wanna fall in love tonight

Here tonight

I wanna fall in love tonight

Here tonight

I wanna always feel like

Part of this was mine

I wanna fall in love tonight

I wanna fall in love tonight

I wanna fall in love tonight

I'm thinking I want to adopt this dog...thoughts?

I love love love my boyfriend. He surprised me Friday night with a trip to The Melting Pot and part of the surprise was his brother, Rich and Rich's girlfriend, Cindy being there. The food was amazing, the ambiance, the server, the people I was with, it was truly unforgettable.
Yesterday was just spent with us fartin around town. Brlunner @ Hale's, driving downtown to Spartacus and then Torrid, where I found something that I didn't hate as far as lingerie went... watched a movie with Josh and then I put my lingerie to good use. Today was pretty lax too, just went to breakfast *and was reminded WHY I detest small children in mass quanities* and then cleaned his car and came home and did some more cleaning.
My favorite part of this weekend?
Last night after we left downtown he got on I-5 N and while being initially confused about where we were headed, I soon realized he was taking me back to the rose garden we went to on our first date and started bawling.
I guess it was just one of those confirmations that I knew I was in the right place with the right man and it's nice to have one of those reminders WHY you love someone so much. We didn't stay near as long as we did the last time, but we kissed at the gazebo where we had our first kiss and stared at the water fountain and I felt so much love.
Joshua, I love you so much, you are everything that is good and right in the world and you're one of the most amazing guys I've ever been with.
Anyway, I'm getting teary and bleary eyed so I'm peacin out. I hope you all had a great VD too.

after a very short four and a half month at Walgreens Specialty I have got my first promotion!
I'm uber excited and have been dancing around all day.
2009 and being 27 is kicking off to a super start.
My first promotion ever. God, this feels amazing.

THIS is the cutest fan video