The first time i remember being afraid was when i was about nine; before that point i'm pretty sure i was invincible. It was a few days before my very first cub scout camp; and the weather was like it is tonight. A gale blowing; lightning lighting up the sky and thunder booming, all too let us know just how small and fragile we are. I remember that day there was a bus accident going up the range that in a few days I was to traverse with the rest of my pack. The downpour wasn't showing any signs of letting up. The dreams i have now; the vividness of them isn't a new thing. Even at that young age they plagued me. Dreams that my bus would be the next to fall victim that stretch of winding rain soaked road.  I was young boy, facing the wrath of mother nature herself and I was scared; no, I was petrified. Suffice to say, there was no accident that day. For me, there was almost no cub camp either.

Seventeen years later and that young boy is all but gone; in his steed a grown man. A grown man still petrified by the rolling thunder and cracking lightning. I close my eyes; take a deep breath as the ground beneath my feet shake.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all have our fears; and phobia's by definition are generally irrational. This is mine; and I let it own me. 

this heart is not a broken one
but where have all the colours gone
you're amongst the lucky ones
and burning longer than the sun

On 14 October 2008, the Government announced a $10.4 billion Economic Security Strategy to strengthen the Australian economy and support Australian households.

Sounds good so far; yes?  Ofcourse. But wait, it gets better.

The Government will deliver a $4.8 billion down payment to Australian pensioners, carers and seniors.

The down payment for pensioners will be made available through an additional payment of $1,400 to single pensioners and $2,100 to pensioner couples, which will benefit:

• Age Pensioners
• Disability Support Pensioners <-- that's me.
  
• Carer Payment recipients
• Wife and Widow B Pensioners, Partner, Widow and Bereavement Allowees
• Veterans' Affairs Service Pensioners
• Veterans' Income Support Supplement recipients
• Veterans’ Affairs Gold Card holders eligible for Seniors Concession Allowance
• those of age pension age who receive Parenting Payment, Special Benefit, or Austudy
• eligible Self Funded Retirees holding a Commonwealth Senior Health Card (CSHC).

Customers will receive the following additional payments between 8-19 December 2008.

There's also a bonus for families who receive Family Tax Benefit (A); $1,000 for each eligible child in their care.

That's a nice early Christmas pressie if i ever saw one :)

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly'swing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.

Life is full of little disappoints.
It starts when we first find out that Santa Claus isn't real; and from there it only gets worse.
Yet nothing seems to match the disappoint we feel from the opposite sex.
Or should we say the disappointment we feel towards ourselves when we continually fall..
Fall in love; fall for them; fall for the words, because they're what we want... no; what we need to hear.
Believing in them; just like believing in Santa can bring a smile to any ones face.
As we get older though; we don't tend to heal as quickly as we once did.
Perhaps because we remember each disappointment they lay upon us.
The biggest disappointment still comes from within, because even though we remember;
We allow yourself to continue to fall.


Very Grey's in nature; but it's all me.

click for fullsize...

Sometimes i dream that i'm standing on the edge of the stage; giving the performance of my life to an empty hall. Even though i know it's empty; it still feels like someone is there, watching and listening intently. I leave the stage and take my place in the non existent audience. Hands paused at the ready to give a standing ovation. I then realise the performance was; at best lackluster. I take my seat and look at the space on stage i only just occupied; feeling empty and wanting more. The curtains close. If i can't even fool myself; how on earth am i meant to fool anyone else? 

Nor will I ever will be again.

The time I spent listening (re: reading) to you go on about how much of an abusive drug fucked loser your boyfriend was to say the least astronomical; and I swear it could fill a novel.  Now you're back with him? 

And you wonder why I had a hard time believing some of the things you said.

You are better off with that psychic vampire bringing you down, with his emotional abuse; with his constent belittling of you and anything you may be interested in.

I really am surprised at you for this. I thought you were a lot smarter than that.

I dont say this out of jealousy; cause frankly there's no longer enough trust there. I say this because well. You do deserve better than this.

Love is never enough to tolerate that kind of abuse.