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[20 Oct 2009 | Tuesday]

Just... FML already!
Category: Blogging

Prepare yourself for a BLOG.

So.. My boyfriend of nearly three years broke up with me last night claiming that he has not loved me for the past six months. Now, given, I've been a nightmare of a bitch from Hell the past six months on and off, and I completely understand that he's hella sick of it. What I don't understand is why he wanted to lead me on and set me up for more hurt in the end. If you wanted to try and make it work, well fuck, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop being a raging cunt or else you will leave me. Rather than blind sighting me with this hardcore punch in the vag. So last night I was more so on the lines of "Whatever," but when I woke up this morning and realized what really happened, I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry. Until, at least, I had to go to court.

Which brings me to my next subject! On 10/7/09, on my way to the ICP concert, I got pulled over by a beaner asshole cop who had nothing better to do than pull over some kids that were blaring loud music. I received a ticket for operating a vehicle whose registration was expired in Oct. 2007 and the sticker on my car didn't match my license plate. SOOOO... I ended up getting shat on for something I had no clue of. Now, granted, I SHOULD have checked to make sure the tags were all good and dandy before I got behind the wheel.. But c'mon now. I'm a woman. My place is in the kitchen, remember? (Haha. Oh, 4chan.) SOOOO, I left this dreaded morning to find the court house, didn't find it, called to try and find it, and found out that I could just pay the fucking ticket over the phone. WASTE OF GAS. Not to mention I nearly broke my feet trying to walk in heels for nothing. Thanks.

So I figured I'm the wicked witch of the West and God is taking it out on me right now and making my life utter Hell. So, all is deserved, I suppose. But man, I'm in a fuckload of pain right now and it just SUCKS.

I wish I had a time machine so I could tell myself "DON'T TURN INTO A BITCH! You'll regret it! Stay sweet and innocent forever!!!" But hey... People change. I may not know how to control my newly acquired voice... but I'm sure as fuck learning. Apparently it's too late and I've pushed away the person I want to grow old with.

So, God. I have a feeling you aren't done fucking my life up, yet. So bring it on, big guy. Nothing can be worse than taking my relationship away.

The end.

5:04 PM

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[20 Oct 2009 | Tuesday]

How to heal a broken heart

Break everything else.

x

4:23 PM

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[09 Oct 2009 | Friday]

Good mornin'.

I'm sick today. Woooo. And now I have to go to work.

For the record, I feel like complete shit.

AWESOME! :D

1:41 PM

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[08 Oct 2009 | Thursday]

Howdy, y'all.

I've been neglecting blogs... And I didn't know people were interested in my thoughts. But here goes...

I have a very deep feeling that I will never be able to escape Texas. I know it's been almost three years and I should most likely be over it and learn to love the place... but it's just not that simple. Especially when you have SO many loved ones back home. Sure, I've grown to love certain things here, and certain people... But overall, I need to be home. Texas is not, and never will be my home no matter how much I try. But unfortunately, my financial status is preventing me from going home...

I have no where to live. No roommates, or spouse to help me. And I don't have a job set there. I have nothing and no one helping me make it on my feet. And without that, it would be over a decade before I was stable enough to buy/rent a home by myself, and have enough money to buy myself some time before I found a job. I literally have NO money, and by the way I'm going... I won't be able to save up my money for shit.

I finally got a car this past January, and apparently the registration was expired in 2007 and the sticker that was on my car belonged to another vehicle. SOOOOO... Not only do I have to pay for this ticket and show up in court, I have to pay to change the title over to my name, pay for however much the registration is, pay taxes, get my vehicle inspected, etc. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, LAUREN. No, not the stupid MTV show with what present society claims to be attractive young 20-somethings getting drunk and hooking up, and doing it all over again. The real world is working to live. To pay for everything necessary to keep the GOVERNMENT in charge. All of this just makes me wish I was born as a dog. Or a fly... Live 48 hours and be on my way. Without sounding all emo and shit, life very much sucks. Without money, life is a fucking roller coaster of fuck. And how do you get money? Doing shit you either love, or hate, every single day... And now that the economy sucks balls, everything is just THAT much harder.

Good going, America. You officially fucking SUCK! I'd like to thank you for making my life a living suckfest because I was unfortunately born here. Yeah, yeah. It could be so much worse, and I could've been born in some third world country, STARVING. But whatever. Everyone complains. I'm not perfect.

So, without revealing too much information, (haha, like I didn't already?) I am going to be completely BROKE in the next few days. (I only had $500 to my name anyways... and it's not like I get paid very much..) Timmy has a bunch of STEAMING SHITLOGS on his plate, which is causing him to be financially distressed. Thus, meaning that I will never be able to live with the one person I love the most (at least not for another 20 years..) and all is going to Hell.

Maybe I will be lucky and the world really WILL end in 2012. I would personally thank Jesus Christ himself (if I don't end up going to Hell with the rest of our shitty society.)

Two words: Fuck life.

6:44 PM

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[09 Jul 2009 | Thursday]

Start of a new journey.
Current mood:

determined
Category: Blogging

Tomorrow, 7/9/09 will be the start of my long, hard journey through weight loss. I've been overweight most of my life and now is the time to say enough is enough. I'm tired of getting weird looks of disgust, or at least feeling like I am. I'm tired of not being able to look people in the eye because I don't want to imagine how I look in those eyes. I want to be able to be carried somewhere if I'm unable to walk. There's so many things slimmer people can do than overweight people. The main reason for my weight loss is not to "look" good. It's to be healthy and help me feel better about MYSELF. Sure, it'd be nice to look good for my boyfriend. Yes, it would be HELLA nice to get looks from other guys and be able to let THEM down instead of me always being the one let down.

I'm lucky I found someone that loves me for who I am inside AND out. But still feel like I'm not good enough to be his girl. I want to feel like I'm the most gorgeous girl he's ever met and he'd never want to let me go. Even though HE feels that way... I DON'T! And it's time for a change. I want to start looking into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I look GREAT!

This is my plan. And I will stick to it. Because I'm not going to take away everything at first. I am going to limit myself of the HORRIBLE things and slowly take it up notch by notch.

My first goal: No fast food. Period.

Every week I will set a new goal for myself. Taking things away little by little and replacing them with healthier alternatives. After I am satisfied with my diet, I will incorperate exercise.

I will also try to post videos on my progress on my YouTube.

Saturday I will be purchasing a scale and I will be weighing myself every week and updating in a blog/vlog.

Wish me luck,

Lauren

2:05 AM

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[28 Jun 2009 | Sunday]

Another day, another dollar.
Current mood:

weird
Category: Quiz/Survey

what is your full name?:
Lauren Nicole Lamp.

what is the current date?:
June 27th, 2009.

what is your sex?:
Female.

when is your birthday?:
September 20th, 1990.

what is your current relationship status?:
In a relationship.

what is your sexual orientation?:
Well I'll just say that I've never dated a girl.

what character traits do you look for in a potential interest?:
Loyal, honest, funny, nerdy, weird, caring, sweet, and smart.

what sort of people do you like, as far as what they're interested in in life?:
I like people who know how to take a hint and can handle sarcasm. People who have common sense and respect for themselves and others.

what physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?:
I like guys that are taller than me. I don't like guys that look like they haven't eaten in a year. I like guys that are a little chubby. So I'm pretty into big guys. Tall and built. Curly hair is my obsession. And I like big eyes and a nice smile. :D BUT NO MUSTACHES! >.<

what kind of fashion-sense attracts you?:
Mostly dark clothing. Rocker/goth/weirdo/freaky type of style. Kinky. ;D

what kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?:
Mainly longer hair. But it's not necessary. I just like it more. :D

what is the usual age range you look at?:
My age at the least. But I usually go for guys a few years older.

what traits turn you off?:
Players. Guys that are too friendly with their female friends when they have a girlfriend. And, also, the GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH/MEN ARE SUPERIOR/WOMEN ARE MADE TO PLEASURE MEN type. Fuck off dick for brains. No wonder you don't have a woman. And if you do, she's brain dead.

do you prefer to date various people, or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?:
I'm a pretty monogamous person. Literally. I've only been with one person, ever. Sure I've had little "boyfriends" for a few weeks. But I've only had one REAL boyfriend, and I'm still with him. And on top of that, he's the only person I've been sexual with. So.. I'm pretty monogamous.

are you afraid to ask people out on dates?:
I haven't ever really asked someone out on a date. But I suppose if I were single and I got into the playing field, I see myself being more outgoing and able to ask someone questions like that.

Single Life

if you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?:
I'm not single. I don't like to be single. So if I were, I would wish I was in a relationship.

what are the positive points about being single?:
Being able to do what you want and act like it's no one's business. To be free. But that's really not who I am. I don't play around, so it's really pointless for me to be single to fuck around.

what are the negative points about being single?:
You get lonely. Sure, you can fuck whoever you want, no questions asked. But that's all it is. Where's the love and compassion? It's a good feeling knowing that there's someone that cares about you, and will be there no matter what.

when single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship?:
Yep.

how well do you handle rejection?:
Not well.

do you miss your last sweetie?:
Nope.

do you think it's better to look for love, or let it find you?:
It found me.

When You're in a Relationship

if you're currently in a relationship right now, how long have you been in it?:
Almost two and a half years.

what's the longest relationship you've been in?:
Same as above.

the shortest?:
Lol. Like a day and a half. I went out with this guy I had a crush on. He asked me out and asked me to the dance that was at my school that weekend. The next day it was bliss. But I'm way too shy. And then the day after that, before the dance, he got his friend to break up for him. IN THE LUNCH LINE. Jerk.

what are the positive points about being in a relationship?:
You have someone that cares about you and thinks about you. Someone to be there for you when you need it the most.

what are the negative points about being in a relationship?:
The arguments. Not having enough room, or not having a lot of attention. Jealousy. Mistrust. Etc.

have you ever gone out with someone you didn't know very well?:
Yep. Didn't work out. At all. Never saw the kid.

have you ever gone out with someone you had a crush on?:
Isn't that how it usually goes?

have you ever gone out with someone who had a crush on you?:
I would hope so?

what is an example of an ideal, perfect day with your sweetie?:
Doing everything together and having multiple complex conversations. And lots of hugs and kisses! :D

how important is it to you to know the exact status of your relationships (ie: "dating", "going steady", etc)?:
Very important. I don't want anyone to think we're more, or less, than we are.

do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together, or space things out a tad?:
It depends on how serious you are/ common interests/ common friends/ common schedules.

have you ever found yourself worried about commitment?:
No. Like I said earlier, I'm very monogamous. So I like to stick with one person for a long time.

when involved, do you try to think about the here-and-now, or do you often think about the future?:
I want to think about the future. But I usually just go for what will make me happy RIGHT NOW. I've been pretty miserable for a long time in my life. I've never really ever been happy. And when I'm with Tim, I feel whole. I'm super happy when I'm with him.

how do you prefer to handle disagreements?:
We don't handle disagreements well. At least I don't. I usually get worked up. I like to try and talk through it. And if the disagreement turns into an argument, I try to avoid it. I hate fighting.

when in a fight, is it better to euphemize things to soften the hurt, or should one be blunt?:
Timmy is really blunt. SOOOO BLUNT! I usually sugar coat things. But I'm more blunt than ever from dating Tim. lulz.

how do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why?:
It pisses me off. You should always be able to talk to me, no matter what. But he would say the SAME fucking thing.

Feelings

do you have a crush right now?:
I did. But as I started talking to him, we became friends, and it faded out. So no, I don't like anyone right now. I love Timmy, though. :}

do they know?:
The crush doesn't know. But I told my boyfriend. He has every right to know how I feel. I think it made us closer, though.

what's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush?:
Couple of years. Like seriously, in the beginning of high school, everytime I saw this person, my heart would have a seizure. But I can't even remember who it was. I think his name was Nick. I think he was a senior when I was a freshman.

have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?:
I don't usually for fear of rejection. I have serious self conscience issues.

has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?:
A few people. But I'm either not interested, or they live far away, or I'm in a relationship.

do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?:
Close friends.

how do you feel about long-distance relationships?:
I've been in one for over two years and I'm getting very irritated with the situation. Luckily, and hopefully I will be moving in with my boyfriend in a few weeks.

if so, does a phone call with them make you feel better of worse?:
Makes me feel 1,000 times better.

would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?:
Probably not.

what would you do if you got pregnant / made her pregnant while in a relationship?:
I wouldn't get pregnant. And if I did, I would probably abort it. (SORRY ANTI-ABORTION PEOPLE!!) Unless I'm financially secure and can handle a baby in my life, I won't have one. It just isn't fair.

would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?:
I don't think I could. But maybe. If they were ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY over their ex.

how big of an issue is your mate's morals, to your compatibility?:
Very big.

how big of an issue is political beliefs, to your compatibility?:
We have to agree on some things. Luckily, Tim and I agree on most political issues. But we never really talk about it.

how big of an issue is religion to your compatibility?:
I don't really care as long as they don't push their beliefs on me. But I prefer non-religious people. It eliminates conflict with me. Because I'm not religious AT ALL.

how big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?:
I don't give a shit, really.

in a potential mate, how important is conversation to you?:
Very important. I suck at starting conversations unless I'm talking about my day, or something I recently read, or something that happened. But I usually can follow up with a reply and my own opinions. Tim and I have problems talking sometimes. Cuz I suck. D:

in a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?:
You can't be an ignorant dumbfuck. I like someone that has common sense and is smart. But I don't expect you to be Einstein.

in a potential mate, how important is sense of humor to you?:
You absolutely HAVE to make me laugh. Like... you have to make me laugh to the point where I piss my pants. I love laughing. Humor is VERY important to me.

in a potential mate, how important is understanding to you?:
Very. I think Tim understands me very well. But sometimes he doesn't at all. D:

in a potential mate, how important is forgiveness to you?:
I will admit that I have an issue forgiving Tim for a lot of things. But these "things" are what should never happen in a relationship. It's hard for me not to think about it. It's the worst feeling in the whole world and I still feel like he doesn't understand. I won't be able to get over it until I live with him.

what makes your heart flutter, and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?:
Sweet nothings. I like being flattered and being told sweet things.

Makin' Out

what was your first kiss like?:
Horrible. It was the first day I've ever smoked and it was with this really skinny redneck boy that was a little shorter than me and looked like he hadn't gone through puberty yet. He was trying to make out with me and have sex with me. And I wasn't into it. It was horrible. The next person I kissed was an amazing kisser. First time I made out. And then the third person I kissed was the best ever. It was the most amazing first kiss (with that person) ever.

what parts of a person's body do you find most attractive?:
Face.

what's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to?:
Their hair and their face.

how important is the looks of a mate's face to you?:
I think it's important. I look for personality more than looks, but you have to be cute to ME. My boyfriend is hot hot hot. :D

how important is the looks of a mate's body to you?:
Not very important.

when you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it, or the other?:
I never make the first move. NEVERRRRRR. I can make the first move with Tim because I've been with him so long and I'm comfortable around him and I know he won't deny me. But when we first hung out together, I did nothing. He kissed ME first and he was the one that initiated the sex. XD

when you are about to kiss someone for the first time, do you generally feel calm, or are you nervous?:
Nervous.

can you generally tell when the time is right for a first kiss to happen with your object of interest?:
Yes. But I haven't kissed anyone but my boyfriend since... Feb. '06?

what are you're favorite places to be touched?:
My neck, my waist and my thighs.

what are your favorite places to touch?:
Chest, waist, and face.

what are you're favorite places to be kissed?:
Forehead, nose, lips, and NECK!

what are your favorite places to kiss?:
Lips, cheek, and shoulder (when I'm sitting behind him or beside him and he isn't facing me).

do you prefer long sensual kisses or shorter pecks?:
I like both. I like cute little pecks though. :)

have you ever kissed someone you longed for?:
Yep. Only two people I've ever kissed that I wanted to kiss. Chris (from back in Feb. '06) and my current boyfriend.

how did that make you feel?:
Amazing. I felt wanted.

have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with?:
Yes. That Chris boy. I really liked him and I wanted to DATE him. But alas, I come to find he's a player and he wasn't interested in me. :(

were you single at the time?:
Yep.

what are your ticklish areas?:
Like I'd tell the whole world that. P'sh.

what are your turn-offs?:
When I say no, and you're pushy as hell and you don't get the hint after the first 20 times I say no. Being a dick and ignoring me. A lot of things turn me off.

what do you most like about making out?:
I don't like just "making out." I like having PASSIONATE kisses. :D

4:13 AM

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[05 Dec 2008 | Friday]

fuck it all.
Current mood:

pissed off
Category: Life

/emo rant

My life is heading downhill.
And fast, too.

I'm never satisfied with my boyfriend.
And I won't get to see him for another five hundred years.

My job sucks and they fucking use me.

I don't have a license or a car yet.

My family hates me and can't do any thing but blame shit on me for trying to get
some work done around here, since they don't feel like helping.

Fuck my life.

Why not fucking end it?
Who the fuck would miss me?

No one.

11:00 AM

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