Well, friends and enemies, strangers and ever stranger...

It turns out that I don't have whatever I used to have that made me able to hang around bored and enjoy your company. And I'm not talking about weed, although it prolonged my new discovery. I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't want the weight of your problems on my shoulders. I don't want to give a flying fuck about what you think or how you feel. And I recommend the same approach to me.

Me and Everybody Else? We're done. I'll fucking show you hermit. It's easy for me to move on, to move away, to just pretend the past never happened and go forth. Not really "easy," but totally do-able. The things I'll miss do not outweigh the stress, so hopefully, you can respect my decision and delete my phone number and just pretend I never happened in your life. FUCK. SOME OF YOU ALREADY ARE. Great choice!!!

So, if I can't have what I want, then none of you can have me. And I don't really give a shit if you think it's fair. Life isn't fair. Consider me a lesson on that subject.

This is THE END.

Rule one, in my honesty code, is "It is unfair to the ones you love to hide them from painful things," and yet I do it. I spare feelings by holding back what I'm thinking. And it feels really unfair to me. Like, I'm sitting around uncomfortable because I don't wanna make anyone else uncomfortable. That's some bullshit.

Hmm. I guess I could just re-cap yesterday. Joseph called me and wanted to 'hang out', which is code for sit around doing nothing until I give him a ride home. Which is what we did. Connor and Daniel made appearances, too. Saw Daniel's dick piercing. Holy fuck. But Joey had to go home... His parents must really want him to move out when he's 18, because his curfew at age 16 is 'when it's dark' which was 6pm yesterday. Ouch.

I sat in the bowling alley for a few minutes, catching up on trailer park gossip and remembering just how seedy and drugged Mt Fuckville really is. I saw Scott in there, too. He's still pretty cute. He cut all his hair off. Then I went back to TB. I talked to Tac for a little while, as he's homeless and lives in the lobby during store hours. Stephen finally called (the whole reason I even left my house was that I was tired of waiting on him) to say he was sorry it had taken him so long and he'd be right over.

I get home to find a coupon in the mail for a free combo from Quizno's, so I picked that up and met Stephen at my place. It was 7:20... and he had to leave at 8:00... not to sound like a douche, but just what was the point? I'm not that fucking great that sitting near me for half an hour feels all the special. But it's whatever. Friends and friends, why push 'em away?

Oh. Because if you don't, they just start showing up uninvited. I'm not saying that I wasn't laughing at Nicki's weirdness... it's not like it was the worst thing that ever happened... but I wasn't trying to see anyone, and even though I said they couldn't come over, they did anyway. I find that frustrating. I'm NOT always kidding. And my family, me anyway, does not enjoy drop-in's. You need permission or an invitation to show up at my house. I'm not trying to make it a big deal, but I really hope it doesn't happen again.

So, after being near-death sick for days, I can honestly say I feel better. I must have bronchitis, because I can't take deep breaths and I'm worn out after like 2 hours... but I've been waking up and getting out of the house and shit. It feels better.

I've pretty much been hanging on Joey Maddog. He's fun to rub. I've spent some time with Jessy and Jordan, saw Zack yesterday, and I've watched Micah play video games for hours. I saw Nicki and Ceara yesterday. And Nick. It's been cool...

I hate this fucking weather, though. It's cold. It's dark at 6pm. I don't have the gas money I need to just drive around aimlessly. BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that I got a 2nd interview with the Pie Kitchen, thank god. I think it'll be awesome having a job again... I'm tired of being in this house. I'm even more tired of not having any fucking money. Hopefully, this gets me a paycheck for Christmas shopping.

I heard this amazing song on TheSixtyOne. Had to write out the lyrics for you, because I think we all know who I think this song is about, mwa ha ha.

"Bluff" - Daphne Willis

When you figure it out, you let me know.
This indecisive nature of yours is really beginning to show.
You got your time to find your voice,
You got your space to make your choice, where to go.
Now you gave me time to sit and a place to get to where
You know I know.

Babe, you don't know what you want.
But you think that what you've got is not enough.
And though I keep telling you that getting things right can't be so tough,
Well, guess what? You're not so tough now.
So I came back here to call your bluff.

You don't gotta let me know a thing. By now, I figured you out.
See, all this time, I thought at least you knew what you were all about.
And, yeah, I waited to let you decide what you could do without.
Yeah, and I watch your contemplations expose the shadows of your own self-doubt.

You don't know what you want.
But you think that what you've got is not enough.
And though I keep telling you that getting things right can't be so tough,
Well, guess what? You're not so tough now.
So I came back here to call your bluff.

Now all other times you made it like,
Like, you were the one who waited right.
You know I never hesitated to call.
And that's not what this should be,
Just a series of games between you and me.
The bottom line is far above it all.

You don't know what you want.
But you think that what you've got is not enough.
Yet I keep telling you that getting things right can't be so tough,
Because you're not so goddamn tough, now.
So I came back here to, to mirror your fear,
And I came back here to call your bluff.

Ooh, I do not feel well. Instead of running down the list of things that hurt, let me focus on what doesn't hurt. Um... My right pinky toe. Nothing painful there. That's about it. 'Cause even my hair hurts, if that makes sense. It's like my skin is super sensitive.

I haven't left my friggin' house since Friday. And Thanksgiving is tomorrow! I'm probably gonna end up missing my favorite holiday and then I gotta go find a job. This is pretty fucking lame. I am totally ready for a job, though. It's not that I don't like sitting around with nothing to do -- I love it -- it's just that I'm totally fucking broke now. And I have about 4 weeks before I'll miss my credit card payment and be totally fucked. So I need to have a job within 2 weeks so I know I'll have a paycheck by Christmas.

I can already tell that I'm not gonna be able to buy gifts this year. That hurts me a lot. I love buying Christmas presents for people. I was even gonna buy TrueBlood season 1 for Cameron just to see if it would get him to speak to me. But it's whatever. Maybe I'll have my own gift-giving day in January to make up for my lack of Christmas gifts. I could throw an awesome New Year's party for all my teenage friends and give out presents at that. I dunno, I dunno.

Not having money feels... good and bad. Like, it's kinda freeing. I don't mind it that much. But then when I can't go to a movie or out to eat with people, I get really frustrated. And it doesn't help that I tend to pay for other people a lot, so my lack of money has slowed down the fun for everyone. But it's whatever. I'll live.

I'm sure I'll be back on top in no time.

I have spent the last three days in a fever-induced delirium. I can't seem to get any of my thoughts in order. Everything just kinda hits me randomly and things don't seem to connect to other things. It's frustrating. But I feel much better right now than I have in a while. I'm gonna keep shoving meds down my throat until I think I can function.

You know what kinda stings? When you realize that the most important people in your life don't feel the same about you. Like... Who's the most important person to me? Zack. But his answer is Casie. Or maybe I should say Micah, but he'd probably pick his mom. So maybe it's my mom. But she'd say my dad. I don't think I am "the" most important person to anyone. I'm just "an" important person. That kinda thinking is unfair, though. Maybe how I feel about them is more important than how they feel about me. It's silly to expect balance.

And all that shit with Cameron, too... Jesus fucking Christ. I did what I could. Like, he has to know now that I didn't really do anything to him. And so what can I say now? I already forgive him. I'm not holding a grudge here. I am going to be patient. When he's ready, I'll be willing. But it does suck that he's not ready or willing to just fucking talk.

I wanna go buy Bruno, lol. That movie was fucked up. Sorry, just saw a preview on TV.

Anyhow, I'm hungry and mopey right now. Don't mind me. I'm out.

We flee from the truth in vain. Somewhere along the way there are truths about ourselves we never allow to see the light of day. Shame, guilt or embarrassment keeps these truths hidden and locked away. But remember, we cannot change or heal what we do not acknowledge.

I've been watching VH1 in the middle of the night lately. They have these great shows... Celeb Rehab, Sex Rehab, and Tough Love. It's like therapy/reality tv, and I'm really into them. Here's Duncan Roy talking about his sexual abuse at the hands of his father in a 1-on-1 therapy session.

..

Fascinating stuff. Hard to imagine being in such a difficult situation, but scarier that so many people do live through them. Comments welcome.

I’d give anything but I won’t give up on you 
I’d say anything, but not goodbye 
I will run with your changes and I’m always on your side 
And there’s not a word I’ve ever heard that would make me change my mind.

Those Poor Hippocrits

CHAPTER I:
Every Single

In the kingdom of Hippo
Sex and drugs are the gods
Soon those gods die
Just watch time fly
Freedom ends. What are the odds?

Every single sunset
She prepares to go fast
Midnight walker
Dirty talker
Simply re-living the past

Every single sunrise
He puts himself to bed
Sleeping away
Another day
Trying to escape his head

Every single midnight
They party until dawn
They both will drink
They both won't think
They won't miss it 'til it's gone

Every single day now
Sex and drugs reign supreme
All those folks love
A victim of
King August's epiphany

This is copied from Steve Pavlina's blog. Be sure you check out HIS WEBSITE.


ORIGINAL BLOG POSTING HERE. But you just read the whole thing, so whatever.

"My story is whatever works. You know, as
long as, as long as you don't hurt anybody.
Any way you can filch a little joy in this
dog-eat-dog filthy black chaos."

"What the hell does it all mean anyway? Nothing.
Zero. Zilch. Nothing amounts to anything."

"I see everything so clearly now. Everything.
I married you for all the wrong reasons."

...These are from the first five minutes of "Whatever Works" starring Larry David and directed by Woody Allen. Pretty fucking awesome.

In an effort to not hold back anymore, let me lay myself out on the figurative table.

I love Cameron Bernard. Even though he actively hates me on a daily basis, still I love him. I think about him every day, and I don't give a fuck if you think it's weird or creepy. I don't need to know about, nor do I have the time for, your judgment about how I feel.

I have sent him a number of apologies for the time I hurt him, and he chooses to not let any of it through. I know there's nothing I can say to him to bring him back. I know if he ever decided we could attempt friendship again, that everything would be different.

I'm a changed man. My brain works differently now than it did 10 long weeks ago. I currently use my code of ethics (link on my profile, under general info) as the basis for building, sustaining, and strengthening my relationships. I understand my weaknesses. I understand my obsessive nature. I know how unhealthy for me I let Cameron become.

I won't be doing that again. Not with him. And if I obsess over someone in the future, it will be short-lived and I will let my honesty crush it if that's what has to happen. In fact, I kinda feel like if Cameron did let me be his friend again, my honesty would crush our newfound friendship in a heartbeat. But at least we'd part ways out of truth instead of lies.

He hates me because I lied to him. He doesn't believe the words I say because he found them untrustable at one point. THAT WAS MY FAULT. I presented myself as a moral center and immediately began to hide my true feelings and thoughts. It's no wonder the love we had for eachother wasn't strong enough to hold us together through the shit hitting the fan. It was love formed of bullshit. It wasn't the glue it should've been.

BUT NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT ME, NO MATTER WHAT HE CALLS ME, NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU ABOUT ME... If you were to give me the chance to prove him wrong, I would. Even if he refuses to see it, I am STILL the best friend you could ever have. If I make a mistake, I will apologize to you for it. I will not hurt you intentionally. I will love you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Best friends. Friends forever.