Happy belated public birthday to Jamie, Dustin's cute little fiance and mother of his unborn child. Great big ol' 18! Woot!

An early birthday shout out (Oct 11) to an old friend from back on the farm, Nate Decker. Hey old man, how's it feel to be 30?? lol

And ahead of schedule, but because I'm a little busy these days... Dustin and John who will be 21 soon! Yay! Go buy a bottle or a beer in a bar... Just cause you can!

Sami, my precious baby girl! Happy 9th. Not that you can see this, or anything, but I miss you and you're my original little Scorpio, so I gotta tell you I love you.

To my sister Anna and my friend JP! Happy birthday guys! You two and Sami are so close together that now I don't know whose is whose!! Let it be a good one anyway.

Belated birthday to Mike and an upcoming birthday to his beautiful wife Davica. Take care of that new baby boy!

If I missed you, I'm sorry! I don't have my date book updated and completely current!

Catch ya on the flip side guys!

I'm sitting in my motel room, my home of the past five months, listening to my GrooveShark playlist loud enough on ear buds to drown out my sons' (Dustin and John) Twisted and ICP and talking about memories of Jage.

I had a near break down today. I argued with my youngest son, my only biological son, in front of Grandma Phyllis and Aunt Karen and Cousin Kaya.

I was yelling at him for attacking Dustin and misbehaving. I've been finding out that he gets away with everything and is becoming a complete and utter terror thanks to how they let him get away with the worst shit. He spouts back, "Mommy, can you just leave now?"

I couldn't believe it! This is NOT my precious sweet, caring, wonderful boy. This is a monster, a selfish, spoiled rotten monster. I barked at him, "What did you say? Did you just tell me to leave?!?!"

"Yeah."

"FINE THEN! You want me to leave, I'll fucking leave then. GOOD BYE!" And I started walking to the door. I think my son finally realized what he just said to me and ran after me.

"Mommy! Mommy! Wait!" He threw himself into my arms and sobbed, "I'm sorry Mommy. I love you. I'm so sorry!" He's not yet five years old.

I grabbed him up and held him so tight. This was my boy. The one who was honestly sorry for misbehaving. He wasn't just saying it to get out of trouble.

It probably doesn't help that I'm really emotional right now. About anything can set me off into a crying fit. But I bottle it all up because I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. Or worse yet, that if someone sees me crying, they'll pity me and not be able to give me the comfort I need.

And frankly, I don't think the comfort I need is going to be forthcoming any time soon.

"She's Perfect" by Toby Keith

I took Lisa down to the cafe
The one where we first fell in love
I played the same song that we used to dance to
Hopin' it might be enough
But when I told her I was sorry
That only made it worse
Then the waitress came over and saw Lisa cryin'
Said honey what's the matter with her

There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
She's as pure as she can be
She'd never say, but the only mistake she ever made was me
It might appear to you she's broken
By the teardrops in her eyes
But there's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry

Could you please bring us two cups of coffee
We might be here for a while
Make mine black and hers sweet as sugar
Something that matches her smile
She's already loved me for half of her life
She's never been untrue
So let me tell you before you ask her
If there's anything you can do

There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
She's as pure as she can be
She'd never say, but the only mistake she ever made was me
It might appear to you she's broken
By the teardrops in her eyes
But there's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry
There's nothin' wrong with her, she's perfect
I'm the one who made her cry

I keep it together as best I can, but I'm rarely alone with my emotions. I have to go to the bathroom and cry so as not to kill everyone else's mood. And even then, I choke most of it back because I don't want them hearing and busting in trying to make it better. There's nothing that they are really willing to do to make it better again.

They are all mad at him. And frankly, so am I, but dammit! It was me this shit happened to, not them! And if I'm the one who can see that there's something wrong and he needs professional help, why can't they? Why can't they even just get on board with getting him help? Give him a fighting chance?

I'm never alone anymore, yet I feel so alone and lost and broken.

A couple weeks ago, my husband's paranoia, mood-swings, and alcoholism collided into the worst mistake of his life and the end of my feeling of completeness. My dream of happiness and security dissolved into a dark and murky pit of waking, walking hell. I kept telling him to get back and get away from me. He was losing complete control. I saw it and there wasn't anything I could say or do that would make it stop, but then again, silence would have been the same results.

Finally I pushed him back and away from me and he flew at me and struggles insued. I can't even remember every thrust, parry, blow. Just near the end where he was sitting on my chest, his hand pulled back, his leg pressing down on my throat. I struggled to breath and finally started clawing at his leg trying to get air, just any air would do... And as I struggled to breath and tell him I couldn't breath... He clocked me in the temple. I tried crying out. He clocked me two more times. He told me to stop moving and listen to him. He told me not to try saying even another word or he'd hit me again.

I was starting to gray at the edges, my lungs void of air. I struggled to tell him again I couldn't breath. He clocked me twice more.

Somehow I managed to get out from under him. His pocket knife in my pocket where I hid it, slipped out and I threw it under the bed. I struggled to get my phone to text out, call out, anything. He landed back on top of me, on my back this time and he ripped me up and slammed my other temple into the wall. He was on top of me again, trying to rip the phone out of my hands.

"Come to Bed"
by Gretchen Wilson

Sometimes we fight
'Bout who's wrong and right
And stay up all night
And sometimes we drink
And say hurtful things
That we don't mean

Yeah, we're both screamin'
But nobody's listenin'
Let's take this madness
Out of the kitchen

Come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work this out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin'
Come to bed

Well, I love you
You know I do
And you love me, too
So let's just stop
Remember what we've got
Before it all gets lost

Just take my hand
It's been way too long
Turn out the lights
And turn each other on

Come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work this out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin' (darlin')

And let's put aside our pride
For feelin's for tonight
In the mornin' we'll see things
In a different light

Just come to bed
Let's just lay down
There's just one way
We're gonna work it out
Forget what I did
Forget what you said
Oh, darlin' (darlin')
Come to bed

Then a knock at the window. "You're safe now bitch. The cops are here."

"I didn't call the fucking cops! It's Chuck! He was on his way over, remember? And yet, still! YOU did this!" I ran and let Chuck in. Chuck sat with him talking to him while I ran out and called Dustin's fiance, Jamie.

The rest is not a story I really want to go over again right now in detail. How about the highlights? The rest is Jamie taking my phone and calling the police. The police coming and cuffing him. My husband being his belligerent drunk alcoholic self. Me telling the cops he's paranoid schitzophrenic or something, on top of that an alcoholic.

My husband begging for a kiss while in handcuffs. He looked so pathetic, fish-lipped kiss attempt. I refused. I didn't know this drunk man in my hotel room.

Going down to the station and making a statement. Telling the cops this wasn't the first time they'd come for him since we'd moved in there. The fact that there's something wrong with his head and the stupid fucktard shrinks at Behavioral Health releasing him because "there's nothing wrong with him". (I should sue!)

I told the detective this wasn't the first time my husband and I had gotten into it. I wasn't the first woman this happened to with him.

I asked if it was possible to see him before I left. "Absolutely not going to happen."

The last time I saw my husband, I refused to kiss him.

"In the Late of Night/Toni's Secrets"
by Toni Braxton

Always thought your promise was for life
I did not think that I
Would hear you say good-bye
And I always heard you led another life
I doubted every time
I guess my love was blind
Cause in my eyes
Love was always something magical
But the feeling is so tragic-full
And all I know is in love
The thing that I want most
I can't possess
There's only emptiness

In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
You lied
As you kissed me goodnight
In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
I cried
As you kissed my lips good-bye
Good-bye

In my eyes
You will always be the lucky one
Cause you know you'll always have my love
For all times until I die
Through the end I gave to you my best
You gave, you gave me loneliness

In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
You lied
As you kissed me goodnight
In the late of night
Just before I closed my eyes
I cried
As you kissed my lips good-bye
Good-bye, good-bye

The last two times I talked to him on the phone, he was making the same old demands and I told him he had to be patient and not contact me this way. He was only going to get himself in trouble.

A few days after the last time I spoke to him, I got his glasses to the jail. I dropped them off to some bored black bitch who was rude as fuck at 2:30 in the afternoon on Monday. Tuesday at 4:00 in the afternoon, I received a phone call from the jail chaplain, asking that I drop off his glasses because he needs them to see and to read.

Well no shit Sherlock! That's why I dropped them off over 24 hours before! What kind of fucking morons are these people!!??!! The next day I had off and called the chaplain back. Asking for some kind of verification that my husband got his glasses. I have yet to receive a return call. We were all heading our separate ways to go do what we had to do. I was going to pick up Alex. My car started clunking worse...

The seal between transmission and engine finally failed. Now I am carless. Shit's blowing up with Jamie and her parents. We're talking about her moving in with me.

I have to have Jamie or John pick me up and take me to work. Jamie or John has to pick me up from work and bring me home. I got kicked off of food stamps because I never got the message that I had mail at our old residence and I never got the paperwork in that I needed. I missed a phone call. Shit blew up and I'm lost in the system.

Oh. Boone ran away from my mother's house.

So yeah. I gave up drinking. I miss my husband's body next to me. I miss the scent of his skin, the way he pushes my hair away from my eyes. I miss him calling me his "golden eyed girl". I miss my son the way he used to be. I miss my car and my freedom. I miss my cat Tigger. My cat Boone is gone.

I'm crying in my Dew instead of my beer, but the effect is the same.

Just another sad country song.

Kid Rock feat. Sheryl Crow
"Picture"
~<3 Our Song <3~

Livin' my life in slow hell.
Different girl every night at the hotel.
I ain't seen the sun shine in three damn days.
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey.
Wish I had a good girl to miss me.
Lord, I wonder if I'll ever change my ways.

I put your picture away.
Sat down and cried today.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to her.

I put your picture away.
Sat down and cried today.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to her.

I called you last night in the hotel.
Everyone knows, but they won't tell.
But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin', just ain't right.
I've been waiting on you for long time.
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine.
I ain't heard from from you in three damn nights.

I put your picture away.
I wonder where you've been.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to him.

I put your picture away.
I wonder where you've been.
I can't look at you while I'm lying, next to him.

I saw you yesterday with an old friend.

It was the same ol' same "how have you been?".

Since you've been gone my world's been, dark and gray.

You reminded me of brighter days

I hoped you were coming home to stay.

I was headed to church.

I was off the drink you away!

I thought about you for a long time.
Can't seem to get you off my mind.
I can't understand why we're livin', life this way.

I found your picture today.
I swear I'll change my ways.
I just called to say "I want you, to come back home.".

I found your picture today.
I swear I'll change my ways.
I just called to say "I want you, to come back home.".

I just called to say "I love you, come back home."

Stumbled across this game and I'm hooked. I spent almost six hours playing tonight, buying and breeding my Wajas.

I'm telling you... It's Petz on the web, but more ... in depth and better. Course I haven't played Petz 4, and I would like to, but eh. This is more fun. The trading and adoptions and giveaways and the special breeding programs... God... It's actually an internet outlet for my childhood desire to be a breeder. (Of animals, you dolt. Not myself. :p)

Here's my first Waja. Her name is Willowglow, an African and she is now pregnant by a black African called "Name". I think the owner just never got around to naming him. He's mostly for stud fees. She is set to give birth around 8/28. She and her pups are the first in House of Willow.





Here is my first male acquisition. His name is Zorro and has fathered two litters in the house of Steele. His first born son will be named Steele regardless of his markings and color. I may also offer him up for stud fees. All are Normals.




These are the two females in the House of Steele. First is Nadi set to give birth on 8/28. Second is Tempest. She is also due on 8/28.






The House of Crimson houses the young pups Vibrant Dawn and a currently unnamed pup. Vibrant Dawn is only 12 days old and not able to breed until she is 20 days old. The unnamed pup will have his markings soon and then will recieve his name. He and Vibrant Dawn will breed when he turns 20 days. Both are Aerials.






New additions to the Shimmer Kingdom are as follows (in order of arrival):
Ranya, a Normal.



Wildsong Paradice, an Aerial.



Tango Orielle, an Egyptian.




http://www.wajas.com

If you like this sort of thing, go check it out.

My last post was about how the gay world is obsessed with being gay. It's getting on my nerves. Seriously, not everything in my life is about living as a heterosexual, but that's not the topic of tonight's episode.

Classic example for this blog: Angelina Jolie was one of my favorite actresses, even when she adopted her first kid from an impoverished third world nation. But then she started taking it too far and doing things for all the children of these other nations and American children (and British if you want to go by the fact she was born there to an English mother and an American father) got left behind.

Even my beloved Alyssa Milano went nuts over India's children. Julia Stiles is collecting money with a recycled men's collection of clothing for two South African schools. We've got project (RED) for AIDS relief in Africa and every manufacturer and service has got something you can purchase in bright red which when bought gives a portion of the purchase price to project (RED).

There's hundreds of American celebrities who reach out to poverty-stricken countries, foreign disaster areas, and plenty of non-American charities. While I believe it is all well and good to look out for little brothers and sisters of the world and try to help them get better, I also see the children and families here at home on American soil who are in as much desparate need as these others. Am I the only one who feels these people have lost sight of why or how we became this "great nation" that we claim to be?

The world essentially hates us and wants us out of their business. But we have to play big brother while the people at home continue to suffer. Like wives and husbands and children of slain soldiers. They struggle so we could help out some unfortunate person who wants us dead. And people wonder why our economy is in the tank and would call me unpatriotic for saying leave the world alone and fix our country!

Sometimes people believe what they want and there is no changing their minds. Even when you know in your heart and head that they are wrong. *sigh*

As a not so closeted bi-sexual woman who chose to live heterosexually, this is hard for me to say, but it's how I feel nontheless.

A little known Canadian actress named Christina Cox has been on my top faves list for a while, ever since I saw her in the televised version of F/X. So when surfing Verizon's OnDemand summer of '08, finding Blood Ties was great. I watched everything that was available, looked for a way to watch the whole thing, WHAM, I find out it was cancelled. Erg. Especially since I fell completely in love with Kyle Schmid's Henry the 450-year old vampire.

During opening scenes, you find out that the show is based on Tanya Huff's books about Vicki Nelson, a former cop turned P.I. who gets dragged into the supernatural along with her friends. I count two episodes that guest starred some favorite Andromeda actors, btw.

I start looking it up, I want to get my hands on more Vicki and Henry and Mike. I want my hands on the books. Now that I've seen the show, the actors and characters are one and the same. I came across a snippit of something and Vicki and Mike are arguing about whether or not she's going to stay put and keep out of police business. Their arguing... God, I can see Dylan Neal (Mike Celucci) and Christina Cox (Vicki Nelson) actually arguing in my head and it was so dead to rights them. They captured the characters perfectly.

Now come to find out the author is a lesbian....

Okay, fine whatever. No big deal.

Oh wait, Vicki and Henry are both supposed to be bi-sexuals?!?!?! Now just wait a goddamned minute!!!

Now I see what my husband says about everybody's gotta gay everything up!

Look, I got a good friend who just happens to be gay. Not everything in his life has to be about his sexuality. Not all of the lyrics he writes is about being gay, not all of his friends are gay, not every fucking word out of his mouth is how being gay is his everything.

If you're gay, fine people. But it's not everything you are so knock it the fuck off.

And I can have this feeling on it. I AM Bi! Women are just too psycho to carry on a relationship with.

Have pride, fine. But damn, I am proud of who I am. That happens to be Elizabeth Marie. It doesn't matter what last name you slap on it. Doesn't matter if you slap "German, Apache, Irish, French" on my ethnicity. It doesn't matter if you slap "female" on my gender, or "mother" on my occupation. I am me. Labels and making everything in my life have to be about one or more of these things that I am is just plain ego-centric and stupid.

Now I almost don't want to read the fucking books. Vicki and Henry have been completely ruined for me.

I've been watching the short lived comic book live television series Birds of Prey for about a week. I absolutely love the show and wish it hadn't ended and wish I'd watched it while it was actually on television.

I'll write a nice big Superhero blog later on, but what this here is a request.

I love the theme song and came across a site that said the theme song was "Revolution" by Aimee Allen. I've gone to GrooveShark.com and looked up this song. IT IS NOT THE THEME SONG TO BIRDS OF PREY!

Part of the lyrics are as follows: This is my remedy / For everything that's ailing me

I've looked these lyrics up on Sing365 and even Googled them. The result was a big fat NOTHING. And by nothing, I mean NOTHING!! That happens so rarely to me. *cries*

So in any event, here's a link to the episodes of Birds of Prey.

So here's the deal. I know this girl. Her name is Kesh Butler. She's a fledgling author. I'm one of the first draft editors of her first book. The story, the concept. It's almost like taking everything from mythology and fantasy, throwing it out, and starting over. I don't want to say too much, but I gotta say this. I've read some of her short stories and micro-fiction and this chick is gonna be great.

So here's the second part of the deal. She's got a start on a website and while it's not the greatest, she's learning how to code it and set it up herself. Gotta admire the guts of this Kesh Butler. So why not go check it out. Some of her microfiction is there now, and some of her short stories will be shortly. And if you want my opinion, I am hoping she turns Gretchen's story (Cyberpunk) into it's own book! I've been begging her to write more.

Here's the link: http://keshbutleronline.bravehost.com

Check it out. It will not be a waste of your time.

Good day doesn't have to be a Friday
Doesn't need to be your birthday
The next one then you won't survive
Sing along hold my life
A good day is any day that you're alive
Yes a good day is any day that you're alive

Asked me mmmm, you had to ask me
In the dreams you tell me
Tell them only you were tired
Sing along hold my life
A good day is any day that you're alive
Yeah, a good day is any day that you're alive

A bad day comes every once in awhile your body says
Fourteen hundred shooting stars and (every time?)
A bad day comes every once in your body life
Goodbye

Hold my life one last time
A good day is any day that you're alive
Yes a good day is any day that you're alive
Yes a good day is any day that you're alive
These are the days



A Good Day by Paul Westerberg

I didn't start watching Charmed until Rose McGowan appeared on the scene and even then not until I had cable and figured out what channel it was on. I watched faithfully for several years until the end and was bawling on my couch during the final four minutes and twenty-eight seconds of Charmed bliss.

YouTube sports several user submitted clips of that final episode and it never fails. Each time I decide I want to relive those moments, the tears well up even though it has already been three years since it ended. Even though I lived for a continuation through the Charmed Children, or at the least Charmed Sons, and even though I loved the fact that Drew and Wes said they'd do a sequel, I am content and happy with how it ended and when it ended.

My Charmed obsession hasn't completely died, but it isn't as fanatical as it once was. I look to my boys and watch them together and get that same heart-warming feeling I felt when I watched Piper with her boys. Despite the issues life throws my way, I still feel Charmed. I'm blessed.

Thanks for the earlier comments guys. Some days I have those low spots and I've found it works wonders to get it to paper and get it off my chest. No sooner than my hand clicks "Post" but the feelings of being down go away.

Like I said, I completely adore the kids, all of them, and frankly, if nothing else makes me content in life, just to be in their lives is my blessing. They make my life Charmed.