If you watched the finale of Here Come the Newlyweds last sunday, the Moutras won and deservingly so. They were amazing to work with and even nicer than they seemed on tv. I couldn't put it up until the show finished. something about lawsuits or conflict of interest.

Here Come the Newlyweds
..

Here Come the Newlyweds has just been green lit by ABC for a second season. To streamline the casting process I designed and built a website that takes all the applicants and puts them in a filemaker database. No more messy mail in applicants. The site just went live on abc.com, check it out and apply if you think you’ve got it in you. You can check out the show tonight on ABC at 10pm after Oprah’s Big Give. The only requirement is that you got married within the last two years.
Apply here:

www.HCNWcasting.com

Back in high school my friend Jeremy and I use to play a game called "The Penis Game." It started as something we would do during class to see who could say "penis" the loudest before being sent to the dean’s office. We use phrases like "This class fills me with so much haPENIS!". Bumpiness, dopiness, grumpiness or anything with penis in it. It would usually get to the point of screaming. After we realized that we couldn’t get any louder, we decided to take it to the next level. With out giving too much away, let just say one morning the school had a giant penis burnt into the grassy quad. It was a year and a half before they replaced the grass so it would grow back. Then for our schools home coming football game we mailed in a fake fold over advertisement to be placed in the team roster magazine(you can see it below). When folded it depicted, yes, a penis. We never really got in trouble for it, but it was known that we did it. It was even put on my record even though they couldn’t prove it. Tonight I take the game national. Late last night I got a call from one of my friends that’s working on an ABC TV show called "Duel". They had to lock and send the first episode to the network last night so it could air tonight. The only problem was they’re missing some graphics. He asked me if I could throw something together for him as a favor. Because of the rush, they’re would be very little oversight for what actually got in. At the end of the show a title comes up for 1 second and 15 frames. It reads "This season of Duel" in the background I put a watermark of, yes, a penis. Beat that Jeremy.

You can see the title here without the background. You’ll have to watch the show to catch the real deal:

www.mycoalproductions.com/Duel.mov

Have you ever thought to yourself, "aw shit, I need to be on TV to validate my love for my boyfriend/girlfriend to friends and family." Well, here’s your chance. A song called "This Song is a Commercial" by Wonderlick has been getting radio play from exposure as the opening title for "Here Come the Newlyweds" on ABC. If you watch and pay attention to the credits, you’ll see that I directed and cut that opening title. I know what you’re thinking, "aw shit Mycoal, you’re amazing! How do I be you?" Well, once again, here’s your chance. After showing the band a concept for the video, I was given the chance to direct the music video also. This is where you come in.

Here’s the concept. Happy feel good couples and nostalgic over saturated vintage footage. Aside from the stuff we’re going to be shooting, I’m also going to include videos submitted by real couples. It can be you and your better half kissing, hugging, holding hands or just being playful. Whatever it is, it should be cute. It doesn’t even have to be couples. It can be shot as if the guy is shooting the girl or vise versa. It can be wedding videos and proposals, too. It should look handheld and it should make people who are single sick. From there I’m going to take it and make it look like an old vintage film. Once done it will air on VH1 Music first(unless there’s a reality show that sucks). If you’re interested shoot me an email at mycoal2202@aim.com or send your tapes/DVDs to:

4th Floor Productions
c/o Wonderlick
12925 Riverside Dr. 4th floor
Sherman Oaks, CA 91423

Here is what they saw to give you an idea of how it’s going to look:



..

I don't claim to be an expert on what it takes to be a good boyfriend, but I'm sure as hell an expert on what it takes to be a bitch girlfriend. I've had four relationships that lasted 2 years , each of which were my ex's fault things failed miserably. One of two things happened. Either I didn't like them enough to pretend I was someone else and they went into it knowing fully well the awesome basket case that is I. These girls usually have the illusion that they can fix the bird with the broken neck, but eventually (usually two years into it) realize I still don't like them and that I just like the security of knowing where I'm going to get my next lay. The other girl is the one that is too thick to see past my shroud of lies. I didn't actually like puppies and no I wasn't making love, I was fucking to my heart's content. Sometimes I like to make these girls feel very special before I stop picking up their phone calls. Other times I make them my girlfriends and ask them to ignore the man behind the curtain. The following are some things I've learned about the naive sex and the advice I have to give them in regards to my lessons learned.

 

Sarcasm is generally a guy's way of saying how he feels while still having an "out" just in case things don't pan out in a positive manner. Even though I might sugar coat my sarcasm from time to time, it is your responsibility as some one I'm fucking to know what I actually mean.  "No babe, that dress makes you look like a Christmas tree" means that your dress actually makes you look like a fat pig, I'm just hoping we can both laugh at the fact that you're fat. My seemingly sarcastic remarks about how I feel about your family members is actually true and nice in comparison to how I actually feel about them. "lush" means "raging alcoholic", "wild" means "criminal", "free spirit" means "slut" and "slut" mean I slept with her. Take notes for future reference.

 

Spooning is the act of two people cuddling in bed or on the couch or in the back of a mustang because New Year's Eve didn't turn out quite how you planned. Cuddling is a requirement. I find it a must for any seemingly good-at-face-value relationship. Whether it be after sex, before sex, during sex or just because you need to hold them down to have sex. It is typically expected of the man to be the big spoon and hold the girl ever so firmly as the little spoon. I find this sexist and offensive. I've nearly choked to death on several different occasions because of my girlfriend's rat's nest of sex hair getting lodged down my throat. Short of cutting off all you're girlfriend's hair while she sleeps, there's not much you can do to keep this from happening. I've contemplated this solution many a nights while standing bedside with scissors in hand as my cock-pocket slept soundly, but it dawned on me that I would then have to dump her for looking like a butch lesbian with a bad haircut. The simple answer is that guys should be the little spoons. This is beneficial in more than one regard. Not only will your boyfriend never have to worry about waking up with a hair ball in their throat, but you, as a girlfriend will be in prime position to reach around and set the balls in motion for a midnight/early morning romp. Nothing says, "I love you" like playing with you're boyfriend's gear's of war while he sleeps.

 

Communication is a very important part of a relationship. Any girl will tell you this. Without communication you have nothing but really good sex that makes up for the lack of communication. I on the other hand believe that the less communication the better. "how was your day" is nothing more than an attempt at making up for something else I did. In all honesty I don't care how your day was, I just don't want you to ask why the front door is open and you're dog teddy is nowhere to be seen. In fact, I care so little about your day I've honed the skill of replying with "oh really" or "uh huh," every time you lips stop moving and your eyebrows raise. If by chance I did listen, it would be very hard for me to stay with you long term. The main reason women want to tell their man how their day was is for confirmation in their self-serving beliefs. If Susie-Q at the office wrongly called you irresponsible and a word that isn't part of your vocabulary, you need your man to agree with you that she's a bitch for doing so. "How dare her use words you should have learned in high school,"(see sarcasm) The problem here is that not only does your man now have to lie to you, but they also realize you're a crazy bitch for thinking Susie-Q was in the wrong. You're also stupid and this is apparent. Now I know this for a fact. Communication can also lead to finding out things about your past that no new boyfriend needs to ever know. Mostly, that you're a complete slut or possibly damaged goods. If your uncle touched you, we don't want to know. It kills the illusion and now explains the roll playing tears. Unless you're in to crying, I don't recommend opening up completely.

 

Nagging, aside from cheating and getting caught balls deep, is the quickest ways to end a relationship on a bad note. Much like buying flowers or saying nice things, guys rarely nag a girlfriend because that would require effort that most men aren't willing to exhort. In the rare cases where they do, the most common thing for a guy to nag about is that they don't like being nagged. Girls on the other hand typically nag about everything and anything, but more so that the guy preferring to hang out with friends rather than them. This is because guys are fun. Any guy who prefers to go grocery shopping with their girl over playing Nintendo Wii with buddies has either never played Nintendo Wii or has a vagina where their man-tool should be. A third option is they don't have friends anymore because their she-devil has seen to it they sever every tie in hopes that he'll have no one, but her (see being a Cunt). The following is a list of things that no girl under any circumstances should ever nag about: family, working too much, attire choices, not working at all, video games, sleeping in, drinking too much, being ignored, masturbation frequency, sense of humor, forgetting seemingly important dates, commitment and purposely burning bridges. If a guy can't do these things without being nagged, they can't fully love you. It's like if we were to nag you about having a period. It's bound to happen unless something really fucked up happens(see abortions), so there's no sense in complaining about it.

 

Sex is by far the most important part of relationship. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Without sex you have nothing. Sex is like the reinforced steel that holds the World Trade Center together; nothing short of terrorism can take it down. Without sex you're just annoying. Milk this asset for all it's worth and if need be let it milk you. The bedroom is one of the few places where it's acceptable to be a complete and utter slutbag. I'm not saying the bedroom is the only place you should bump fuglies, anywhere and everywhere is on limits. Nothing should be off limits and everything should seem enjoyable unless told otherwise. You should be more knowledgeable than your man, but he shouldn't know it until midway through when you ask him to give you some Arabian goggles. No one likes a girl that isn't comfortable screaming "Cum on my face baby!" in the throes of passion. You know you're doing a good job if your boyfriend looks at you like he doesn't even know who this girl hanging from the ceiling fan is. Any amount of abuse can be fixed with a good ole' romp job. Sex should always be a first and last resort for fixing your shortcomings. Didn't make dinner? Give him a blowjob. Accidentally erased one of his TiVo shows? He's going to have to tie you up. Crashed his car because you drive like a woman? Time to rethink your rules on asphyxiation and you better be a good spotter. Bottom line is as long as the sex is good, the relationship will last. If you lack a father figure, this is probably the most you can hope for.

 

Commitment is like AIDS; if it doesn't kill you, you probably never had it. The reason commitment is so scary to men isn't because being with one person is frightening. It's that acknowledgment of being with that one person is like having a monkey and then giving that monkey a loaded gun and asking it politely not to use it against you. I know what you're thinking, girls don't know how to shoot guns. Yes, true, but that's neither here nor there. If you want commitment you need not a boyfriend, you need a stalker with a long history of sexual abuse.

 

I have much more to say about this subject, but odds are no women will get past two paragraphs without realizing I'm talking about you. So instead I'm going to make this into a 42 part series. So you fucked up and thought you knew what was best for your relationship. It's your fault, but man forgives you. You're going to have to make up for it, but with my help you'll know how to. Dirty Sanchez.  

This is a spec commercial I put together for ABC. They're remaking it with the host of Here Come the Newlyweds, Pat Bullord. I look like a complete retard in this, but someone had to do the concept video.

..Rubik's Cube and Relationships on FunnyOrDie.com..

This has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. I'm probably a little sick in the head, but none the less, enjoy and feel free to pass it around...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8d0df7680d

I got an email this morning from a someone named Amy at funnyordie.com about the Bill O'Rielly clip that I posted on their site yesterday. At first I thought to myself, "Great, they're going to take it down because it's racist, sexist, vulgar and probably illegal. Pussies." To my surprise it was the exact opposite. Turns out Amy was the Director of Content at Funnyordie.com. Amy wrote me to tell me that a couple months back when they went live they put up a clip called "The Landlord", Bill O'Rielly had done a piece how outrageous it was that Will Farrell was exploiting a child for the sake of humor. Turns out Will Farrell saw this My clip and requested it to be featured. Baby, baby! It is currently on the front page of www.funnyordie.com. This pretty much made my week.

..Funny Advertising on FunnyOrDie.com..

The freedom to offend

While on location with a group of a 100 plus producers, cameramen, lighting people and stage hands, it occurred to me that I hadn't done anything to paint myself as an asshole. I had been there for close to a month and everyone liked me. I was the bosses' protégé and people tend to put on a face with people like me. I grow uneasy in these situations. I don't like not knowing where I stand with people. Sure, they could like me, but they could also be faking it. On the other hand if I know they dislike me there's no question in my mind. The illusion of friendship ceases to exist and the reality of who I am becomes prevalent in my own eyes. No need to put forth my best face if they've already seen the self-deprecating meat with eyes that is me. I had nothing in common with anyone there. I sat to the side and watched as on they're lunch break almost every tech person, whether it be lighting, camera or audio, sat and read the just released final novel in the Harry Potter saga. Each one them had taken the time to read the previous five books in order to get to this point. Time and devotion I could never understand or invest in anything that pleasant. I grabbed my laptop and googled my way towards self-absolution. In a matter of minutes we would all have something in common. Before the end of their lunch break my new found knowledge paid the group of 35 plus tech people a visit. I walked through the crowd dropping lines like "I can't believe Voldmort killed Snapes!" or "Dobby never saw it coming when Bellatrix LeStrange used that death curse on him!" or "That was very admirable when Tonks and Lupin died side by side." I had been there a month and up until that point I didn't feel like myself. Their anger in my comments brought me serenity.


It's nice to know we live in a country where it's my given right to offend in whatever way I see fit:

Muslim Cartoon hearing Opening Statement


Muslim Cartoon hearing Intent

If you live in Los Angeles and are looking for something epic to do on New Years, my friend Jeremy has rented out a Yacht for the night. Right now we have 100+ people signed on. There will be an OPEN BAR, hors d'oeuvres and a toast along with fireworks at midnight. The best part is at $150 per person he might just break even if it sells out. It is going to be an amazing time and I'm looking to get offensively drunk, so spread the word. The website has all the details:

www.yellingatkids.com

Monday, March 5, 2007 3:05:04 AM

Today my mom gave me back a memory. I installed a linux partition on my little brother Patrick's iPod nano so he could watch videos on it. The normal iPod software doesn't allow this feature for some reason. I'm never really sure why I know how to do these things, but for some reason I do. My mom saw that I had done this and it reminded her of a story. She gave me back a memory that has long been missing.

When I was 11 years old my mom got America Online for our grayscale Apple IIc computer. This was about the time that AOL and compuserve started mass mailing CDs with the promise of 30 free days of service. My mom bought into it and we've had it ever since. My screen name has always been mycoal2202@aol.com, or so I thought. When my mom first got AOL, I was amazed. When the dial up modem started clicking as it connected, I literally got an erection. Up to that point the computer was something that I could only explore from within, this new service meant a whole new world to explore and exploit. I immediately became a hacker. I figured out how to use file sharing programs to access other people's password lacking computers. I found chat rooms that dealt in Mac warez, or as it later would be deemed "person to person file sharing." Back in the day it was much more crude, but nonetheless effective. My world opened up as new applications allowed me to do even more questionable activities. I would mail bomb and IM bomb people through accounts that I had phished. I no longer needed coins for the pay phones because I had a tone generator. I never got a bad grade because I added myself as an administrative user on every computer that I came across. Then I learned a new skill: electronic identity theft. I used AOL to collect large numbers of email addresses that I would send emails to from a phished account asking for account verification. Every address was marked as a "blind carbon copy" so they thought the email was specifically meant for them. I would use their info to order stuff online and have it sent to a neighbor's house that was abandoned. After months of doing this I got sloppy and used my AOL account. It was my original AOL screen name, "soundscool." It was only a day before my mom's entire account was deleted. I remember my mom making the call to AOL's support hotline. Her inquisitive questioning quickly became bewilderment. She stared at me wide eyed as she listened to the tech guy on the phone. She put the phone to her chest and asked me, "Have you been impersonating an AOL employee?" I told her my account must have been phished. The mere fact that I knew that term was an admission of guilt. I knew she knew, but I wanted to give her an out so she wouldn't lose her AOL account. After asking to talk to the supervisor and eventually his supervisor, she managed to convince them to reactivate the account, minus mine. She had to promise them that I would never use AOL again. I wasn't allowed online for several weeks. She never told my dad what his 11 year old son had done. Every time I write an email or have a chat window open, a warning reads "AOL employees will never ask you for your password." For some reason this always bothered me. Now I can remember why.

On Tuesday, November 20th, Comedy Central has asked to talk about possibly turning Omeletto into a TV show. The last video we put up on Youtube got 250,000 hits before it was taken down for copyright infringement. The opening title had "Bang on the Drum" as the music. Prior to the meeting on Tuesday I need this video to make its rounds. So if you care about my future, repost and repost and repost. and as a little extra bonus, checkout this little work in progress:

www.mycoalproductions.com/videos/ipodad.mov

"Cup of noodles" doesn't have an "of" in their name or logo. These are the kinds of thoughts that occupy my mind at 4am in the gas station snack shop. Looking at the cartons on top of cartons of cup noodles made me want one. I opened a carton and took one out. It occurred to me that they weren't for individual sale, but it didn't stop me from opening it. I wanted one and I wanted to see if anyone would tell me not to do it. Playing stupid is usually the easiest excuse for most of my actions. This particular snack shop wasn't set up for making cup noodles on the spot, but they did have a coffee machine that had a hot water valve on it. After delicately peeling back the paper cover and pouring in some very hot water, I resealed the top. As I walked it up to the clerk it crossed my mind that if I didn't warn him that the cup noodles was filled with hot water, he might burn himself. My mind played back an apparition of what it would look like if that tidbit of information had slipped my mind. I placed it on the counter without saying anything and glanced at the face of my cell phone. 4:25 am on December 15, 2006.

When I was a child of about 5 years old, time had no meaning to me. The people in my life were the only people that existed. My toys were real and reality was always in question.

I could barely reach the kitchen counter let alone pour my own milk. We bought milk by the crate and they usually came in the large plastic containers. My mom would pour it while I held my glass with both hands. It was hypnotic watching the milk fill the glass. How the initial fountain worked it's way back up the sides of the glasslike a roller coaster coming back up the track. My hands wrapped around the glass as if to keep the glass from shattering on impact. The higher it filled, the less it fought back. Sometimes I would down a glass just to watch her fill it again. Mom always stopped at the appropriate time as to not over pour. Then I would pull my glass away. I couldn't help but wonder how she knew to stop before I pulled the glass away? If I pulled away any earlier would she know to stop earlier? As simple as the answer was, I wanted to test common sense. The most basic truths were only believable if I saw it with my own eyes. The scenarios that played out in my head was something that had to be test. So one day I pulled the glass away earlier then expected. Sure enough mom poured milk all over the counter. She was upset and asked me why I did that. The judgments that were handed down to me were taken into account before my actions were taken, but they failed to deter my curiosity. Looking back I'm not sure if I wanted to test if my mom would stop pouring sooner or if I just wanted to see if she would react the way I thought she would.

Jan 5th, 2007

It can be disconcerting how I change from one state of mind to the other so easily. When in each state I believe myself to have always been that way. State of mind code named "mycoal" (note the lowercase m. It's more of a questing than a name.) has taken life's tests and turned them into either accomplishments or utter failures. There is no middle ground. As a result, my life at home can pull the soul out of me due to family, relationships or money. In this state I over analyze the simplest of nuances. Things become more about gut feeling than anything else. Less importantly, the difference between right and wrong becomes less accurate and more certain.

"mycoal" will sit on the couch doing something on the computer. Che will walk by and he will want to hide what he's doing. He knows what he's doing is wrong and should be concealed at all costs. Who is she to judge him and please don't let her ever find out. It turns into a headache almost immediately. They're only minor. Eventually they become second nature and you don't flinch at all.

Self-preservation is key when doing something others might find morally wrong and you describe as "the only answer". The best of situations can easily be brought to an end if caught. In this situation I would need a web browser that could handle Anonymous Proxies. Then I would need a list of available public proxies. Finally I would have the computer reroute my IP address through several other IP addresses before coming back to mine. It crosses my mind that these extra measures might be pointless. I continue anyways. Every computer I have is now connected to the Internet via a daisy chain of servers.

Next I had to make sure that no one around me could see my affairs. I keep a running journal open that I switch over to when the cat starts kicking at the bag. If I have earphones on I say it's because I don't want anyone to talk to me. Not very smooth when I think about it after the fact, but I still use it. I hope to god my sarcasm comes across when I say it.

Then there's "Michael", who is the professional side. The goal and work oriented state. No matter how I was feeling before, I'm able to lose it all and feel a completely different array of emotions and thoughts. Priorities changes immediately and I'm actually pretty content. It's part motivation and part denial of what else I am. Che knowing my secret no longer concerns me. She could know for all I care. I don't believe she would judge me. I start to think about how much I love her and my family. I know watching TV shows and Movies on the internet for free is for the most part wrong and possibly illegal, but I'm going to do it anyways. I don't care if she knows my secret. Problems seem much more simple. I'm also much more accommodating because I want people to share this blissful feeling. This is where I usually overfill my plate and let people down. It's hard to tell if a person accepts you for the good and looks past the bad. It's much easier to know the ones that don't.

Sometimes the two states will have debates with each other. Over things like should I learn a new word every day or am I fine the way I am. Each side is for learning new words, but neither wants to fork out the effort.