Its amazing how you live ur life, its trials & tribulations, & come out on top, but some people, even family, cant accept or believe who you've grown up to be.

Things said to other family members or friends, although untrue & sometimes unbelieved, can still hurt and cut deep like the Thanksgiving Turkey's knife.

Then, just as your grief hits its peak, you realize they may be hurting too.
 
We want them to see us for who we truly are, but at the same time help them with their grief.

What do we do about it? I am at a loss....

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I am a STRONG & PROUD

......turn the page......

Yes I know, its been a while, AGAIN. (shame on me! :P lol)
Been busy with Dr appointments, tests, running here and there like crazy...
but something happened which I wanted to share with all of you :)

The other day I was watching TV when my youngest runs into the living room screaming and crying: one of her hamsters wasnt breathing.

So she comes running over to me holding the runt of the 2 months old litter in her hands. Tears streaming down her face. Sure enough, the little hamster wasnt breathing. She handed her gently to me and I inspected her to make sure she hadnt been bit or something, and she hadnt been, so with J standing there, her eyes pleading with me to do something, I did whatI could do...

I began light compressions. within a few seconds, her tiny hands and feet began twitching and she rolled over, although her eyes were still closed. 

I couldnt believe it. And J was now crying from happiness that her little friend was alive once more. When those tony blakc eyes opened I handed her back to J and she wa sput back in her cage, scampering around, playing with her Momma.


And so now, J tells everybody how her Momma has "Miracle-Hands".
And I, still, dont know how to respond to that. O_O


All I know is that life, no matter who's it is, is precious. Fragile. And every second is full of change, chance, destiny and the wonder of what it truly IS.

I dont know about having 'Miracle Hands', but I DO know that my little girl is happy once again and the Momma-hamster has her baby back.  Like Michael's favorite song emanates, "Smile"s ARE the best things, aren't they?

Peace and light to you all,
~~~Angel



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......turn the page......

Re-yoUnion


Our flashbacks are bright
like 4th Of July fireworks
Welcoming the ghosts






Let us never forget,
let us always honor & remember.
And let us respect...
the men & women, past & present....
on this Memorial Day, and always.

Peace & light to all,
~~~Angel & family



"Re-yoUnion" Copyright ©Angel 2009 All Rights Reserved


Hope everyone has a good Memorial Day!
Be safe n have fun..
and SAVE ME SOME BBQ!!  





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I am a STRONG & PROUD

......turn the page......

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL MOMS !!!

In honor of mothers day I offer this flashback to the past...

Moms have never had it easy. (Dads havent either but since its Mothers Day, Im gonna concentrate on them ;-) )

Since the dawn of time there have been Moms.
And if Moms today think we have it hard?
All we need to do is look into the past to set us back on even keel.

For instance, this ad I found from an extremely old Sears Catalog:




And to think that today, most Moms worry about their children eating worms because they were dared to do it.

Now, maybe in some cultures, worms are a valid problem and maybe also they're considered a delicacy.
HOWEVER
as a Mom, and also as someone who looked back on her childhood, I can honestly say I don't recall worrying about getting them...
or about what temperature I must cook them at..
 nor do I remember Mom thinking about those things.


So the "Sears & Roebuck" Mom's of today can quietly muse now on how far we, as Moms, have come...
and how truly easy we DO have it :)


Other than that, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!
And yes, Dads, you are wished happiness too... cos without YOU, we wouldn't BE Moms!

Much light and peace,
~~~Angel

AUGH!  What a nightmare last night was.

Tubes in my nose (4 of em) & 1 connected to 2 of em, which went between my lips, ALL to monitor my breathing.
BLAH.

along with a grotesque array of Wires connected to this.. this... BOX... which I wore around my neck while standing up..
made me look like something out of Terminator+Aliens.

I certainly hope this yields results. Cos:
IM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A PINGPONG BALL!


The Pain Mgmt Dr fucked me up, we know this, but ever SINCE mid-Sept this pain shooting down my right leg has gottten worse.
The Ortho Surgeon I saw had no answers, and didnt feel there was anything surgically HE could do..
so NOW we are thinking its a NEURO problem.

I swear on everything I hold dear if he screwed up my Central Nervous System and/or a Nerve Root or ANYTHING Nerve-related in my back?? Hes going down.

I am REALLY holding back, because I truly believe his patients are in danger...especially where Privacy is concerned. I need answers soon so that I can not only heal mySELF, but help others in the process.

If I were less patient I would've gone to the press already so they could alert other patients of his to his manner of practices. But, I must wait, especially since I have a lawsuit pending.

BLAH. I REALLY hope no one else is 'hurt' in the meantime, you know?


But now I must 'bounce' like the pinpong-ball I am to a Neuro... and HOPEFULLY get some answers. Cos Im sick of walking with a crutch and sick of being a walking pharmacy!


As much as I detest my ex-husband for doing what he did to me, to cause my back problems, everything happens for a reason. I dont know what it is, YET, but when I find out, watchout! Cos there MUST be some positive spin to all of this.

So I will endure whatever I must in order to get to that evasive 'bottom line'. And I WILL DO WHATEVER I CAN to make all of this helpful to others.


Other than that muck, Im feeling 'old' LOL My 2 middle kids are graduating. GRADUATING! And my son is going to his Sr Prom tomorrow night.

Seems like yesterday I was dancing with my boyfriend @ my Sr Prom, the Moody Blues blasting through the speakers. *sigh*
Now *IM* gonna be the one with the camera saying "dont drink & drive...have fun & be home by ..."

Times fun when youre having flies I guess lol

and I look in the mirror and my eyes behold a grown woman
wisdom knowledge
ageless yet
older
and still growing
amidst shades of grey


Peace and light to you all,
~~~Angel

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......turn the page......

WTF is up with 8 B-I-L-L-I-O-N more in Govt loans to chrysler??

*waves frantically towards the White House..
What about HealthCare.. or
Public Schools.. or
the devastated areas in the US?

Sure, itll save some jobs but what about people who are LOSING (or lost) jobs ALREADY? ARE YOU LISTENING, BARACK???

Eh, peobably not.. who am I but Joan-Q-Citizen.. not a CEO/CFO/blahblah..
Im a nobody... right?

OH and last night I saw the most odd thing on TV: a commercial for an inhaler for asthmatics.
The commercial wasn't odd; I had seen it many times before but THIS time, I listened.
WHY was it 'odd", you ask?
Well, They''re advertising for people to USE the stuff yet.. they say:
 "..may cause asthma related death".

IDK... maybe it's cos I used to use the stuff.. for about 2 wks... until I no longer enjoyed powder being inhaled into my lungs (IMO: If I wanted powder in my lungs Id've inhaled deep while powdering a babys butt) -.- or maybe it was because it MADE NO SENSE!

Sure, they HAVE to cite the risks.. but if it's THAT risky, WHY is it still here?



Yeah and heres another thing. The M1H1 Virus. A school in the upstate closed all week to be disinfected and ANOTHER school DISTRICT closed....
people frantically scouring the internet for info, worrying themselves sick (no pun intended) about it...
people in areas of the world slaying pigs like crazy...
and now the WHO and CDC is stating "it may not be as bad as we thought".

Thats one less thing for me to bytch about I guess, cos it's a GOOD thing! :)

PHEW!


And now a wonderful quote from a wonderful man:
"I dont feel old. I dont feel anything until Noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope

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TICK-TOCK

Tick-tock goes the clock...
"blah blah blah" ringing in my ears from this news or that news...
"ho-hum" whispers from those who could care less....
"wonk wonk wonk" blasting through my brain
whenever this politician or that politician thinks they know best.

Tick-tock goes the clock...
"screech screech" cutting through my ears from the vain needing perfection
"bitch bitch bitch" pierces the clouds from the lazies who don't want life to be rough
"moan moan moan" creeps from the sickly the elderly and the poor
"gasp beathe gasp" floats on the wind from the legal immigrants who have had enough

Tick-tock goes the clock...
The politicians on the news and lazies who could care less
And the vain with their self imagery and perfection dreams
Should open their eyes and ears
to the moans and gasps
And shut their mouths
To listen at last
Because reality is upon us all and the big picture is not as safe and pretty
as it seems
 




Copyright ©Angel 2009 All Rights Reserved



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I am a STRONG & PROUD  

......turn the page...... 

THE GARDEN (r-pst)

Pine needles pierce
the morning mist,
the fluttering breezes
tickle my skin.
Wandering into
the maze of mother nature,
My eyes reflect and muse
the challenges of life.


While seasons had passed
with breathtaking speed,
I pondered the miracles
which carried me
to this day.
The sweat we had burned
into bottomless earth,
sowing the seeds of life.


I fall into a sea
of green, yellow and red.
My legs releasing the tears,
my hand laying flaccid
on the cold, hard ground.
My thoughts take off
like a bird, thru time,
to another life.



She had crept up behind me
with delicate care,
With the mask of wonderment
glued to her face.
Gracing her hand with mine,
she smiled and hummed
as we carefully
walked through
The wonder of life.


Sunflowers caressed
the cornstalks on high.
Wistfully they'd shout,
"I am most wondrous
and prettiest, Mother!",
as they protected
with opaque shadows
the mysteries of life.


Beanpods meandered,
groping and climbing,
pouring to freedom from
tighly bound feet.
They would shout,
"Nothing can hold us!".
We giggled, knowing
an unbinding life.



The sweet, musty scent
of the herbs choked the air.
Spreading their arms
to grasp at our ankles
they cried, "Breathe deep, Mother!
Inhale the inner beauty we hold inside!"
Proud chameleons enhancing
the quality of life.


Bending and twisting,
near breaking their spines,
tomatoes dangled to dance
on our shins. A blur of red
murmers, "Take us, Mother,
lest we fall or break". So
we danced with them,
joyous in life.


The carrots and onions
and garlic stood proud,
their faces ensconced
by shrouds of earth.
They would whisper, muzzled,
their friendly "how-do"'s
waiting patiently to see
the light of life.


The wind whips my smile
and I'm suddenly awake.
My back propping a cornstalk,
she creeps up beside me
with delicate care.
A mask of delight glued to her face.
She has found her Mother, safe,
in the maze of life.


My hand she takes,
fitting neatly with hers. 
Our garden, still thriving,
winks it's goodbye.
My daughter carries me gently
back to my chair.
She, who pushes me home, is
the true miracle of life.
 
Copyright ©Angel 2009 All Rights Reserved


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As always, I welcome all comments on my work! I am a STRONG & PROUD  

Ever wondered what would happen
if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?

What if we carried it around 24/7 in our purse or pocket?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we turned back to get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to recieve messages from the text? 
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
What if we kept it on our bedside table while we slept, 'just in case'? 
What if we treated it like we couldnt live without it?

Unlike a cell phone, we dont have to worry
about it needing to be charged ...
because God's word never dies.

Unlike a cell phone, we dont have to worry
about it being disconnected.....
because Jesus already paid the bill.

Dear friends, family, and readers,

This is kind of long but, well, those who know me personally already know the details...
but some of you don't. So, here is my personal hell which I have been going through since September.. when I found I could barely walk anymore.

In June, I began going to a pain management specialist, to hopefully help my back. A Focal Herniation @ L5-S1 with nerve root displacement & a fragment pressing onto the nerve root, with an annular tear at the L3-L4 level.
He began injection therapy, which seemed to go well after the first 2 shots which were epidural-like shots, one in each side, 5-6 weeks apart. These were designed to help my legs and, possibly, alleviate some of the pain.
After minimal improvement and the 2nd shot, he decides to "work on [my] back instead of the legs".
And cites the desire to do a "spinal block".
NORMALLY these shots are given as 3 sets of 2 shots, directly behind the disk(s), 4-5 weeks apart. HE advises that he feels it would be of better benefit to do them all at once and,
since we are supposed to TRUST Doctors, I agree to it.

1 week later I get 6 shots, 3 on each side of my spine behind the disks L3, L4 and L5. The band-aids looked like an upside-down christmas tree beginning at my tailbone, and it hurt like hell!
I was hurting so bad from the shots that I could barely walk, and spent most of my time in bed for at least 1.5 weeks. At my follow-up visit, I told him it made me worse.
He decides it is time to contact surgeons. So, I am sent home with a temporary pain med script to tide me over till I see a surgeon.

A couple weeks later, I woke up unable to move my right leg.
SEARING pain, constant, never-pulsing unless I moved, coughed, sneezed or  moved my head backwards or to either side.
From the back of my right hip down to my achilles tendon.

Because of this, in mid-September, about 5 weeks after the '6-shots', I became "bedridden".
I made an appointment with the Dr and 3 days later I saw his Assistant. She said "it sounds like theres a fragment thats slipped since the injection and now its pressing on a nerve..." and said she would report her assesment to the Dr and come back in about a week.

KEEP IN MIND, the MRI in APRIL, which they have a copy of,
ALREADY SAID I HAD A FRAGMENT DISPLACING A NERVE ROOT...
they apparently forgot about that.

And, trusting him, trusting he knew about the MRI results, and performed all the other shots with CARE and CAUTION, I didnt see anything out-of-the-ordinary when he said he wanted to do another shot directly next to the nerve root.
He said it was to ease the pain until I was seen by a surgeon,  I didnt think twice and trusted he knew what he was doing.

THAT shot friggin HURT! As usual I was given a local anesthetic and I laid down on my tummy, face down. He had his 'ultrasound/mri' machine on to see what he was doing, and he began inserting the needle.
About 4 seconds after that, I felt a HOT, & WORSE, SEARING pain in my back and hip on the right side and it made my right leg involuntarily 'jump' upwards!
I yelled out and was nearly in tears. He had to pause for about 15 seconds to let me calm down (cos I screamed, cos it friggin HURT). But, then he went on and completed the procedure.

In the days afterwards, we knew it had made the pain worse. The pain was now getting worse at a faster rate. And coughing or sneezing would, LITERALLY, drop me to the floor, stiff with massive pain. Even moving my head hurt worse.

So, instead of being able to hobble 10 feet, I could only hobble 5 feet before needing to hold onto something in order to move.
I still couldnt straighten my leg, I still couldnt sneeze or cough or blow my nose or turn my head without suffering EXCRUCIATING pain from hip to heel.

I kept in touch with the Dr, letting him know that it made it worse. So, he gave me another pain med, that I DID NOT ASK FOR:
Norco... something Id never heard of, but it gave me headaches so I would only take it at night to take the edge off so I could rest...
and when I asked about the surgeon-referral, he said they were still trying.

This phone-tag regarding a surgeon continued until one day, By NOVEMBER, I couldnt walk anywhere without the aid of crutches.

Then hell broke loose.
On December 18th, after coming home from my daughters dance recital, we found our house had been broken into.
The side door was unlocked (picked), and when I went to take my medication I found our safe (a fireproof safe we use for our meds, because we have kids in the house) had been picked and was unlocked..
and my Norco was gone... bottle and all...
and about 5 days worth of Neurontin was missing. Nothing else was touched.

The pharmacy advised me to call my Dr for a replacement script, so the next day I called my Dr and was told they couldnt replace the 32 pills which were stolen, even with a police report.
That was no big deal to me, because it gave me headaches anyway,
and even WITH taking it I couldnt TRULY sleep because the searing pain was (is) always there... hip to heel. It took a minimal 'edge' off, so I didnt care because I knew I could live without it...
and I NEVER ASKED FOR IT to begin with.

So I made another appointment while I had the Dr's Assistant on the phone, to discuss prescription changes and my surgeon referral.

When I went to the appointment, 1st week of January, I was 10 minutes early. 45 minutes after arriving we got taken into a room.
2.5 hrs later, the Dr comes in and basically tells me he thinks Im a 'pill-head'...
that theyve "heard EVERY, EVERY story in the book" regarding 'missing medication(s)'...
and that he will no longer be writing me ANY prescriptions...

even though I was out of 3 medications & needed refills (2 of the pain medications and the anti-inflammatory)...and thats one of the reasons I WENT there that day....

..and says: "Theres nothing more we can do for you. Good luck"
and stood up and walked out.

He had discharged me as his patient. Completely out of left-field, no SPECIFIC reason given. We sat there STUNNED. Completely stunned.

Sorry for the length, but thats where my hell began, and WHY it began.
Now to give you the SHORTER version of what happened next.

I called a physician he had referred me to for my primary care (cosI was tired of the clinic I went to currently and their 'rotating' Dr.s I wanted STABILITY), to see if my appointment could be moved up.
I find out that my ex-Pain Mgmt. Doctor had spoken to THAT Doctor and that now he is no longer willing to accept me as a patient.

After 2 more weeks of ZERO pain medication,  I sign a release with my current primary physician, at the clinic, for the Pain Mgmt Dr to give them my records..
so that the Dr @ the clinic could have proof that I am no longer under a Pain Mgmt Contract and it would be ok for them to prescribe/refill my pain meds & my sleep-aid.

3 days later, enough time for the records to be faxed (the longest any Dr of mine has had to wait for my files to be sent was 48 hours..and THAt was because of a holiday), I find out he had STILL not faxed my records in time for my appointment.
I walked out of the clinic-Doc's appointment empty-handed..
AND RAGING!

Since it appears he has done everything possible to cut off any access I have to pain medication, and he 'blackballed' me with a new Doctor.. lord knows who ELSE hes talked to, maybe surgeons too??.. so I toyed with the idea of playing in traffic.

You have NO idea.... N O  idea.... the pain I was in. From mid-September till then.. December... day in and day out, through the night... and I had had enough. And the blatant disregard for my continuing medical care, with him OR NOT, was the last straw.

But, thank God my husband kept a cool head.
He took me straight to the E.R.
We waited 3 hours. When the P.A.-C came in, he asked me what was wrong.
I had the report AND CD of my MRI in April with me so I showed that to him...
he barely read it and threw it back down on the bed.

I told him I wanted to find out EXACTLY WHAT was/is causing me this pain
and would he please give me a referral to a STABLE primary physician.
I tell him what meds I was currently taking.
I said NOTHING about pain medication (it was gone; I hadnt taken any).
I said NOTHING about my ex-Pain Mgmt Doctor.
I said NOTHING about wanting refills or anything of the sort.

He leaves the room.
5 minutes later he comes back in and glares at me and asks: "DONT YOU SEE Dr. so-n-so!? How come you didnt mention the 'hydrocodone'? blahblahblah.
The ENTIRE E.R. VISIT went from wanting to find out what was causing the pain, via xray/ct/mri, to him bullying me about DRUGS.

AND, I find out that 'Norco' is 'Hydrocodone'....
WHICH, in my file, it states I HAVE BAD REACTIONS TO!

All in all my E.R. visit took 3 hours, only 10 minutes of that was with the Doctor and I got NO tests ordered, NO new scans, NOTHING regarding what the CAUSE of the pain was/is.
I DID get referrals...which was good. But that was it....
and on my file, SOMEWHERE, my ex-Dr has tagged me as being a 'pill seeker'.

Of course, I got my hospital records and it doesnt show it to ME, but Im sure its there on their COMP. SCREENS when they pull up my name. There was ZERO mention of my ex-Dr's name to that E.R. Dr. and he did NOT follow protocol at all.
So guess what?
I found, and got, a new Pain Mgmt Dr.
She is AWESOME.

CHECK THIS:

IT TOOK HER ONLY 1 VISIT.... (my 1st TIME THERE! ) to realize it is serious and to order tests.
So, since mid-Sept. I have been 98% bedridden
AND,
on Feb. 10, 2009 I go through Nerve Testing (yes, it hurt lol).
I FINALLY find out the bad news,
At least from the preliminary reading(s):

I have PERMENANT NERVE ROOT DAMAGE around L5-S1 and,
whether from the shot(s) or not,
possible MASSIVE FLUID BUILDUP which is squishing everything against everything and making it worse.

So now we are waiting for the final report of the Nerve Test and she is trying to get my surgeon appointment moved up, from March 31st, because:
"this is very serious, Angel. You cannot... you... theres NO WAY you can go on like this. It needs to be taken care of ASAP"

So there it is. THAT is why we didnt have internet for those months.
THAT is why I havent been online much, and why I cant be online much...cos it friggin HURTS to sit upright...well, it hurts 'worse'... cos the pain is constant no matter WHAT position I am in.

Oh, and LISTEN TO THIS: when I went to my ex-Drs office to pick up my records? I was told :
"YOU CANNOT COME INTO THE OFFICE! You were discharged. You must have someone ELSE pick them up for you!"

I asked: "soooo...this means any tom-dick-harry who knows my name can waltz in here with the cash for them and pick up my RECORDS? My PRIVATE MEDICAL RECORDS?"

She said: "Im sorry... thats our policy".          Uhh,       W T F ????

And, right now? I dont really trust Doctors.
He screwed me physically mentally and emotionally... BIGtime.

And as 'good' as my new Dr seems to be, I STILL shake and  am nervous-as-hell when it comes to going to her office or ANYthing relating to her care of me.

I wish tthere was some magic button I could push to zap my ex-Drs medical license and close his practice down..
if not just for what he did to me, but for the REDICULOUS and BLATANT  frivolity regarding medical records in that office.

Even @ the hospital, I HAD to provide them with my I.D. and 1 other item to PROVE that I am me, before they would even let me TOUCH my records.

So anyways there you have it.
Now I am awaiting a new appointment and preparing myself for the inevitable: surgery.
Im also trying to grasp the fact that I now have PERMENANT damage to at least 1 Nerve Root..maybe more...
and that my good name has been smeared within the Medical community, which MAY affect any medical treatment of me in this area.

No, I dont want to play in traffic anymore.
But I do have my moments.
But I think I will get through this.
And even though theyre fucked up right now?
Im gonna force my legs to walk me through this...
ONE STEP AT A TIME.

And karma will take care of those who have hurt me, and mistreated me.

And I need a really good attorney, cos this is a hospital & 2 Doctors and neither of them have ANY business as Physicians.

And now you know the crux of my work: HYNDSitE.

If you made it this far,
you have my deepest thanks for caring,
and listening.

With warm wishes of strength, peace, and light,
~~~Angel

HYNDSitE

My blood flows
      slithering snakelike along the path
of slander, recklessness, abandonment and deceit

Like a river
       it surges forth breaking through the wall

                             urging itself onward
                               pressing forward
                              avoiding obstacles
                                         or
                                   pushing on
                                 through them

Here and there
        bright red stains remain behind painting footprints
  of dispair, dread, hopelessness and shame

The wanderer pauses
        seeing my broken body torn open by saddened hand

                               Sitting peacefully now
                                   gone; my eyes 
                         mournful, selfish, apologetic
                                         face
                                a wall with pictures
                                of my happy family

The wanderer kneels suddenly
          his eyes burn with the liquid heat of angst and agony
   for laid before him and under his feet

Runs a river of footprints
          leading to the ocean of my tears
   upon which floats my heart
                                  

Copyright ©Angel 2009 All Rights Reserved

Well guess what. When it rains it pours. I found that out the hard way yet again. Just as things were settling down they blew up again. Ive tried to keep those of you who are on my friends list updated via my status messages but decided to write tonite. With all thats gone on we have had to cut back and that meant no cable for a few months. I am writing this to you all from my mobile and hope to be back online in full in the next couple of months. I miss you all AND reading your work but I cant surf on this phone like I can on a PC. I cant even see a link to read comments so if I dont reply till later... Now u know why lol Heck I cant even make paragraphs on this phone because the dimensions are so drastically different lol Anyways I hope this finds all of you doing well and I am really looking forward to returning soon! xoxoxoxo ~~~Angel

A repost.. with love prayers and hope-filled energies.
(Now that the yukky virii have been quelled, I can be online again :)  )

The Shadows: 9/11/01

A faceless image brushes past
Swiftly moving towards eternity
For a brief moment
It impales me

Dreams, hopes, desires aglow
Changing intensities, emerging
For a brief moment
They disrupt me


Emotions of fury, fear, hope
Bathe me in a sea of gray
For a brief moment
They move me


Nameless souls in despair, cry
In an ocean of tears to drown
For a brief moment
They join me


Voices like the sirens piercing, deep
Images, dreams, emotions, souls
For a brief moment
They touch me


A voice speaks of unity, strength, prayer
Of freedom, love, a nation under God
For a brief moment
Did you hear me?

@Angel 2001-2008