good news. i actually celebrated valentines day this year. first time in 20 years. and let me tell you, it was AMAZING. so to start off...i woke up on vday and was getting ready to go cross country skiing ALL DAY...decided to be festive so i put on a pink skirt over my snow pants... the other staff girls liked the idea and we gave everyone a huge taste of bizarre pink and redness. not to mention we skiied all day in skirts...whoo hoo.

after skiing, jordan came to my door to discuss plans for the night and he was (purposely) wearing my favorite shirt, cologne, watch, and did his hair how i love. so as we were driving out of camp to head to town, he handed me a cd he made for me with awesome songs. so we drove around listening to them and then went to dinner, MEXI night. youth fellowship was that night but afterwards we had a double date with seth and crystal.

ok so that was awesome....but that wasn't even the end of it. Jordan said we were going to celebrate vday on saturday and he had a surprise planned for me. so that morning he took me to coffee (yay!) and when he told me i needed to dress for being outside i guessed we were going horseback riding, because that's one of the only things he really enjoys doing outdoors. so he played it off greatly that we were and so i was completely set for that. as we were on our way to meet up with the horses, he says to me, "you know what we should do sometime, hook up with Justin and go shooting." I was like YEAH that'd be awesome, I've been wanting to go shooting for a long time. Right when I said that he turned off the road to the shooting ranger where Justin and Andy had set up targets and brought all their guns and ammo and stuff. So that was my vday surprise, and it was a huge surprise. I was so speechless and happy and amazed because he had pulled it off so well not to mention all the effort he had to put into it. to end the day we went to the Vday dance together and had a blast.

the significance of this is that 2 weeks before we weren't even going to share the day together because at that time we weren't together. now that's a story in itself so if you're interested just ask!

to fill ya'll in...staff training is almost over, I have head counselor training and then we've got our first group for the winter. I am excited yet aware of the huge challenges i'm going to be faced with. Being a head counselor adds a lot more responsibility and there are so many new things to learn in such a short time. But God is faithful, and he hasn't let me down yet!

My God is sovereign, I believe that with the entirety of my being. I believe he is ultimately in control, the head of the body, the Creator of the universe. Does that disqualify humans from having free will? Have we been created as robots? Made to serve, love, make choices and decisions with no choice in them? Not at all. In fact, I see our free will as a major characteristic of God's sovereignty. He is so sovereign that he didn't NEED to create us without a choice of whether or not we are to love him and serve him. Of course the Lord is all knowing - omnipotent, omnipresent, omni.....everything! But he is also outside of time. We can't even begin to fathom these things, which makes my God sovereign. If I could fathom and understand these mysteries that invade my thoughts from time to time, I'm not sure he would be worth my life's devotion.

"She is right where God wants her to be." Is that a true statement when made about someone who is making choices that does not glorify God, but does the opposite by destroying the temple He has given her? If it came from a person who doesn't believe in free will, then I ask you "Does God desire for her to be living in sin, pushing him away? Is he making these choices for her? God is causing her to sin because she doesn't have free will?" Go back to Adam and Eve, if they did not have free will, God must have created them to sin which means sin was created by God, and that just cannot be.

CS Lewis is one of my favorite authors ever, Mere Christianity speaks on this subject and I found this excerpt from a review of the book:

"Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong; I cannot. If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata -- of creatures that worked like machines -- would hardly be worth creating."

Sovereign, yes.

i am your local superhero.

wow, september is almost over! and it feels like winter. walking through lake city last week it was very chill and crisp and I took in a lungful of the fall air. "It smells like Christmas in September!" says Jordan. I keep waking up expecting to see snow outside, and I continue to put on my flip flops. "If it rained tonight, it would be snow!" Yes one of the numerous things I've said that doesn't make much sense.

So far we've only had one half week of camp, due to God's interesting sense of humor. The season ends in little over a month....Crazy stuff. Last week after being trained as a High Ropes Supervisor, we had our first group of campers. I lived in my harness for 3 days. Hanging out on the zip tree literally allowed me to watch the leaves change color. It was pretty amazing. Twelve hours of high ropes Thursday without a break was fantastic. Campers faced challenges, struggled and persevered. The one on one times were awesome, sharing the gospel with unsaved kids was awesome, especially when you know the teachers are listening to every word. God challenged the staff and leadership just as much if not more than the campers last week. Every activity ran a few hours late, there were emergencies, and the drains in the dining hall all backed up. Everything was out of control, well at least out of our control, which allowed much room for God to work and he really did!

So much of us spent the weekend recovering and getting refreshed and energized to prepare for this week. This week has yet to come though because the campers never showed up yesterday. It turns out the school got their dates mixed up so now we've got two groups coming tomorrow and 2 days off as a result. Praise the Lord! He has a really great sense of humor, I couldn't' do anything but laugh yesterday when I found out. Also the canoe lake had been drained and was only about 1/3 of the way filled up and I was in charge of canoeing for this half week. I had no idea what I was going to be doing and it would be a quite interesting activity..but now it all works out.

Outdoor Education (which is what program is running right now) brings a lot of newness with it. Getting trained as a supervisor is one, teaching astronomy is another (which i started last week and during which I had a chance to share God's consistancy with the kids and then one girl wanted to recite John 3:16 AND 17, which was just awesome in itself), proactively searching for ways to share God's love with the kids is a huge one. It makes it exciting and challenging. New staff...they're awesome. The whole 2 of them! A new season in my life is beginning and I'm just asking God for clarity and patience. God is my Jehovah jirah, my provider.

So that's my update for now...I'm excited to see what God has in store for us next.

I have decided to spend the winter months (God willing) here at camp, as a volunteer. Which means I will need to raise my own support. If ya'll could keep this in prayer that would be fantastic. Even more important prayer for openness in the campers and teachers.

the end of summer. well the summer season that is. it's arrived, in all it's glory. i can't believe it's already here. I have very mixed feelings...excitement and sadness. i'm sad to see everyone leaving. i can't even describe how much i'll miss pippi, iceman, spiderman, aquaman, sugar... oh man I don't want to think about a season without them by my side. It's only been about 3 months but they're all incredible people: heidi's strength and encouragement. taking 2 hours some overnighters to get our fires started with her. iceman and i going at it...just teasing eachother and having a great time. he's so much like a brother, a little brother?? weird. no. he's such a great leader and example. spiderman's alaskanness....wow. never have i seen him without his shirt tucked in. the whole season. we've shared a great hike. 12 hours. aquaman...he's got pretty eyes! lol i'll miss his huge laugh. and him tripping me and pushing me over since he's twice my size. i'll have no one to beat up anymore! i remember staff training, he made it so incredible. dang. "charity did it!" (ok i'm almost crying..) sugar. that's steven. he was my friend from the start. when we almost ran him over the first night arriving. he helped me get settled in, sat next to me during much of staff training and he's been a really close friend ever since. never thought of him as a third wheel ;) "can we go sit on some couches?" "hey guys can we please listen to tom petty?" oh man i'm gonna miss sugar so much! "ahh sugar...you are my candy (boy)..."

oh man and the kiwis :becky and james. "your mom" i'm so gonna miss that. and her scream when i showed her my food at dinner, haha.

brandon, our sarcasm. who am i gonna be sarcastic with? and who am i gonna share homestarrunner jokes with? gah! and good music taste.

but change is good right?? a new season of life. God is good. He's my provider, and already he's provided Jordan, Amy, Amy, Sarah, Maggie and others staying....yay!!!!!!! So i'm excited.

if only i could make my sister smile again.

God truly is my provider.

wow what an amazing week! I was very much dreading it all last week because group leading is hard: no personal space, no social time, hard to find time to spend alone with God, dealing with sick campers, and all the while focusing on God and ministering to each one. but God changed my heart during last weeks bonfire, this is what it's all about, the kids and loving them and showing just how much God loves them. yay! more opportunities! more adventures! more challenges! oh 7 jr campers, I can handle that! Then Monday evening two more campers arrived, Jr Highers. I was even more excited. I dealt with one sick camper from Monday evening through Thursday, she was throwing up Tuesday and crying and begging to call her parents. Then thursday during the peak hike, she came up to me and said, "I decided I don't need to call my parents." I literally jumped up and down,

A soaking wet overnighter taught them the power of prayer and showed them how much they take things for granted.

"Let's make like Ford and keep on truckin."

"Let's make like a library and book it!"

"Let's make like Dave Matthews and keep a space between."

then a camper replied to me: "Let's make like Fault (me) and tell lame jokes." Haha killed me.

funny story of the week: Puckett woke up to water pouring in in the middle of the night. he couldn't figure out why there was water pouring in the cabin. so he switches on his head lamp and looks up to find a camper standing over all his gear for the hike that next day peeing. yup peeing. oh man his journal his hiking shoes and pack...

"what happened when the indian drank too much sweet tea?"he drowned in his own tea pee....

describes me tonight. i cannot sleep, it is 2:30 in the morning and so i decided to get out of the cabin. i step out on the porch and breath in the cool wet air. it is actually a warmer  night and the moon is bright through the tops of the trees. oh how i love my job.

God has surprised me. The verse that says, "He has loved you with an everlasting love." is truer now than ever before. I've been stretched and challenged this past week in ways unimaginable but each time I leaned on God's understanding and not mine and He provided for me.

It began hard. Finding out I was unable to share in Susanna's life really drained me last weekend. But the Lord took my burdens and gave me rest. Praising God in church last week was fresh and new. The cross is so much larger when you see such a need for it in your life and in your best friend's life.

Funny things happened, tearful conversations were shared, close friends...became...well closer. like on our overnighter this week where we cooked two boxes of rice. at the same time. in one pot. rice expands. so we had no where to put it all and we had to cook chicken and vegetables as well. "Nalgenes make great hot water bottles so let's scoop it in there and it will stay warm" Three nalgenes were filled with rice, and chicken and rice, now Heidi has a chicken flavored Nalgene.

I hiked the Continental Divide on zero sleep and with a horrible cold. But it was an amazing experience, especially when a camper that was having a really difficult time said,"I really don't want to do this, but I'm glad I am." Praise God!

This week finishes with Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I always wanted to believe this verse, with all my heart, and tonight has proved true. I love you Lord. Praise Adonai

the bus ride was...well...a bus ride. God made it interesting and, like many things these days, turned it into a heart revealing lesson. the first 5 minutes on the bus i got sprayed down with Dr Pepper from a co-passenger. I looked down at my now soaked pants and thought, "you've got to be kidding me" but I said to the now cussing man, "It's all good."

so months ago when Susanna (my sister and best friend) and our good friend Brook and I chose 1 Corinthians 13:13 to be our verse-Susanna being faith, Brook hope and I was left with love- I had no idea how much God would truly speak into my life through that verse and our testimonies as friends. My first thought that night was, "I've never really had trouble with love, I love people because God made us equal. I long for true love...maybe that's something that will come out of this!" haha I do get my hopes up quite often.

But God has shown me over and over that my priorities are wrong, my attitude towards others has gone from love, compassion, and humility to pride, selfishness and arrogance. He really revealed my heart to me yesterday during the bus ride that made me sick to my stomache. I realized that when I looked at the people around me I saw dirtiness, sinful, and lowly lives. I found myself subconciously thinking of myself as better. oh how wrong am I! Compared to years past when my first sight of these people would make my heart yearn for them to come to know Christ like I do, I would begin praying for them, and loving them with a simple smile or kind word. How far have I come! And it saddens me greatly. I can only thank God for allowing me to acknowledge my unchristlike attitude and for revealing to myself my heart. The desires God strongly gave to me several years ago have been reborn: compassion, a heart to serve others and to change their lives, to love others the way Christ has loved me, to see every person as a child of God and as the image of God. This is what I strive for. To love. How can I be an example someday of love to a husband and child of love when I'm unable to see people as the Lord's masterpiece?

It is very strange being back in Utah. I almost wrote home but I don't regard anywhere right now as "home." I feel like I have 2 seperate lives. One here in SLC and one at Camp Redcloud. The stories I share with people are completely different in each location, somehow I wish I could share a little bit with the other. Maybe it will just take time. Relationships take time, I have to remind myself that every day. I am glad I am only back here for a few days, I realize I haven't missed it. I've missed my family a few times but other than that there isn't anything here for me. I think the only time I will really be able to feel at home is when I die. The second closest is one day when I have a family of my own. One day.

"The Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord!"

It's ironic that they chose love for me. It's been a rough process. I've been burned by relationships in the past so it's normally a touchy subject. I've longed for love so strongly that it often hurts. But who's love do I yearn most for? Have I placed human love before my desire of God's love? And my desiring of loving God? What are my motives for relationships and for love? When will God grant me the desires of my heart? More irony: I'm currently reading CS Lewis' "The Four Loves" Pretty much an amazing book. there's a chapter entitled Charity. just goes to show ya how incredible Lewis is eh?

holy moly! finally the computer is working for a minute!!!!

if you're reading this: i love and miss you! Philippians 1:3....dedicated to you!

the first week of campers finished this morning when the buses pulled out of camp. it was a good week. bad things happened and I struggled a lot, but the Lord is faithful and came through for me. I struggled with pride, lack of confidence, humility, being a servant, among other things. I wasn't a group leader this week, which means I didn't lead a group of teens. I was an activity leader, and this weeks activity was high ropes. It was a struggle due to a mistake I made on Monday. Which I beat myself up for and therefore ended up hindering the rest of the week. But one thing that God has been showing me really stuck out during this week, that He is a God of second chances.

There was a hoe down on Wednesday which was probably the highlight of my week. Learned some two step with an awesome partner! and had a blast.

Last night at the bonfire, God opened up my heart to things I thought I had dealt with. It was rough but pretty crazy goodness. Encouraging is how the night ended, ask me about it.
Songs were played that have been played at almost every camp I've attended, memories were aflooding! I remember the camp that saved my life...well that Jesus used to save my life. The camp that was the conclusion of some of my best (or worst) friendships. And the camps that taught me to love the greatest.

The Lord is merciful and abounding in love and compassion. How incredibly true!!!

I would be lying if I said I miss home. I don't. I miss Susanna. I put pictures up on my wall of her and me today and it really made my heart ache for her, for her companionship and her conversations. I even miss her hugs. which are rare for the both of us. I put up pictures of Remnants of Jacob on my bunk...and pages out of a coloring book that Susanna and Brook colored for me. yeah so i don't miss utah, i don't miss our church, and i don't miss starbucks. I really don't miss driving. I miss the youth, the youthgroup we had here camping this week totally made me thing of the Greenhouse every stinkin day. I love you guys horribly much. I miss Brook and Zac. And my family. and Susanna. and a few others.

the summer is definately not long enough for me here, not enough time to really get into relationships and let God really work in me. So I'm very happy I committed to longer. God really truly does have an amazing plan. Psalm 31. the future is at hand you guys, don't blow it by thinking you know what you want.

Ok i lied. The highlight of my week was Monday, after a really struggling day at the high ropes, I opened my package from Susanna and there were things in there that really made me laugh out loud...my Macey's name tag! KooLAID! that was a total God thing. I was talking about how much I love kool aid the night before with some friends and then susanna sends me some....it's like a miracle. She also sent me an amazing DVD of Phil's youthgroup! haha it was hilarious!

Well I've gotta get to bed....another full day tomorrow.

oh and so i've been attending a baptist church. Me. who grew up in nondenominational, non conservative is now going to a baptist church where only hymns are sung, the majority of the people are elderly, and there is sunday school an hour before the service.

God never ceases to amaze me.

well i'm here. and here is amazing. and crazy. I cannot believe where God has brought me. I love it. It's gorgeous, trees everywhere, a rushing river right thru the camp, horses and lakes. First week of training is over and now I finally get a day off. So far I've gone on bike rides, rode horses, canoed and swam, and played in the pouring rain (unfortunately I do not have any rain gear....ugh i need it badly!)

God has really become an intense figure in my life these days. On a different level than I've experienced. He's always been my friend when I'm friendless and lonely, so that's nothing new to me but it's definately present. What I'm finding out most about my Lord's character is He is my Provider. I love that! Especially when I stop in my tracks and stare up at the stars and think about where I am. Everything in my life is insanely different. But the Lord remains the same. He reminded me that last night because the starry night sky was the same one I've gazed at for the past 19 years.

Passing by the pond which is filthy the Lord spoke something really intense to me. I saw the reflection of the marvelous valley, mountains and trees in it despite the scum surrounding the edges of the water. Just like us. Although we are filthy and pretty useless creatures, the reflection of the Lord in us makes us beautiful and a masterpiece. A masterpiece. This is true.