tomorrow. tomorrow. i'll love ya. tomorrow.

two months ago, the thought of leaving was intriguing. I was looking forward to it. There wasn't any conflict with just packing up and leaving, there was little and there were few I would miss. until the new beginnings.....began. I'm not having second thoughts on this move and I'm not regretting the choice I made. But I'm curious as to why my life here in Utah changed for the better right when I'm departing, making it much more difficult to leave.

maybe God is just revealing things that I value here in Utah and making sure I know my life here is important and that this is where I belong.

"crazy. i'm crazy for feeling this lonely."

more like confused.

but like jess said, God knows. It's so true. He knows what is here, what is there and what is in my heart. He isn't going to leave me hanging.

but there are so many things here which hurt, cause me to wince, and wonder "why?" and "what if"

so many streets with incredible memories, walking downtown at night, parks in which hide and seek was played till morning, coffee shops where you'd run into someone you knew everytime you stepped foot inside, fireplaces where you celebrated the new year, steakhouses where you drove for 2 hours roundtrip just to listen to your friend play music...when you hear you friend play everyweek at church or someone's house.

then there are those places you use to go with friends and have coffee competitions. those friends whom you never speak to any longer. parks with hills that were perfect for rolling down. that is, until the sprinklers turned on. friends that you road tripped with just to play a concert in the tiniest town for the tiniest crowd. friends that. are like this period.

different sides of town, different streets, cause so many different emotions to erupt. sometimes i'll take a detour just to avoid some memory. and reasons like this make leaving so desirable, so easy, and allow for no second thoughts.

and still. God knows. "be still and know that I am God" life is changing, and each time life changes it is for the better. because God will never leave me hanging.

::as the day draws near, my stomache turns to fear. and churns.

12 days to go. 288 hours. 200 waking hours. 12000 waking minutes. oh man. i am excited, really i am. but i'm also sick at the thought of being gone for 15 months. 450 days. (doesn't sound that bad!). 10800 hours. ok i can do it. i know i can...

God is glorious. He won't let me down.

mmmm tonights artichoke smells inticing. i'm afraid of the return as well tho. will susanna be here? for Christmas? when is the next time i'll really spend time with her? what will be different in both of our lives? the same with Jess...and who knows who is going to be married/engaged by then!

so Adam. did he consider the pros and cons of what he was doing? did he weigh the situation? i highly doubt it. so from the beginning we have proof that one of the greatest problems in the world, with mankind, is lack of thinking. or maybe he did. but his own fleshly desires looked the greatest in his vision. he was selfish. and lacked humility and self control. i think these mentioned problems, along with several others, are truly the root behind almost any tradegy, genocide, lie, distruction, and disfunctional relationships (cough FAMILIES).

so ben robie, it's not ALL about this teenage love story (in fact it's 0% for me thank the Lord!) it's all about this lack of parenting! this is me venting. I have decided that I like jr highers much better than highschoolers (no offense to highschoolers who may be the exception and actually are pretty decent :) ). But when i successfully finish college, WHICH I WILL DO...this is merely a break...I am looking forward to teaching 7th graders. I think I can and will be more effective in their lives at that stage rather than at the stage of highschool where you know everything and you're far too cool for anyone or anything.

nevermind, i think i'll stick to teaching my own kids.. (joke)

shout outs to Melissa and Phil Wiebe and David Askvig who are all so much fun and who are all making my departure a bit more difficult. but hopefully they won't forget me.

and kudos to anyone who actually read this blog full of random thoughts.

how many emotions can you feel at the exact same time? hatred, grief, compassion sorrow, anger, love....

i haven't had much opportunity to feel this way like the intense way i am now. how can you turn your back on those who poured their lives out for you? do you think of anyone besides yourself? why are you so blind? if i see your face today i don't know if i can refrain from punching. i'm not sure i want to. there is only one thing i really want to say to you: what the hell do you think you're doing?

but will i.

will i stand up to you. unafraid.

and yet i'm called to love you. after everything is said and done, only love can live. am I able?

nope, my day did not begin this morning when i was about to leave for school and i realized the basement was flooded...nor had it even started during the two grand tests i had in my classes.

my day began when i was in the gymn working out and i thought brilliantly *why am i stuck inside surrounded by all these smelly, sweaty bodies when i could be outside in the glorious sunshine getting smelly and sweaty solo?* 10 minutes later i was out the door and headed up the canyon.

at the bottom of the trail, i choose the right. not because i'm mormon but because the right path looked more...urging. the path wound around the side of the mountain with a drop off to the highway straight below. i was disappointed. hiking to me is getting away from civilization. leaving anything that resembles humanity and cities. glancing around i grimaced at the cars, apartments, and people (yes even children).

several hundred feet and i was finally alone, with only mountains ahead and trees behind. twice more i chose the right...yes this was all occuring in utah. coincedence? i doubt it. the higher i got, the higher seemed more inviting. and then it happened. i began to ascend up a steep hill with patches of greeness everywhere and as i did, I beheld the most tremendous sight, a snowcapped mountain lurking right behind the bright green new grass. to gaze upon these two great beauties in one view was the hightlight of my day. I reached the peak of the mountain and was breathless ...yeah it was steep! no the beauty was incredible. ahead of me were moutains stretching out as far as the eye could see. some were green and others still had tons of snow remaining. the opposite side was the view of the valley with rain drenching some areas and sun shining upon the others. the huge variety is what really struck me. jon bon jovi began singing *Love Hurts* in my ipod and at that moment i knew that was exactly where God wanted me at that exact time.

it only got better as it began to rain during my hike down the mountain.

 

Spring drenched air

O, how creation speaks of your glory.

In this quiet moment the closeness

Of your riches

 awe me.

my eyes, level with the clouds

I stand on this patch of earth,

Moist with recent rain,

Far above the city.

My gaze shifts from the gray horizon

Over the silver lining of the clouds

And halts at the sight of the deep valley

O so far

Are the mountains that border

The cities and their limits.

Yet even farther

My sins are from your sight.

This one truth revealed to me

In this gracious moment:

Your masterpiece is

a New Creation.

i wrote this after an awesome hike i had one day a few weeks ago. it really describes the day and the hike and what God spoke to me then.

one of my newest greatest weezer songs!!!!!

it's hardcore guys!

Holy cow! I think I've got one here
Now just what am I s'posed to do?
I've got a number of irrational fears
That I'd like to share with you
First, there's rules about old goats like me
Hangin' 'round with chicks like you -but i do like you-
And another one: you say "like" too much
But I'm shakin' at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you
'n I'd do 'bout anything to get the hell out alive
or maybe I would rather settle down with you
Holy moly, baby wouldn't you know it?
Just as I was bustin' loose
I've gotta go turn in my rock star card
and get fat and old with you
'cuz I'm a burning candle you're a gentle moth
teaching me to lick a little bit kinder
and Ii do like you - you're the lucky one
No! I'm the lucky one
Holy Sweet ! You left your cello in the basement
I admired the glowing stars and tried to play a tune
I can't believe how bad I suck, it's true
What could you possibly see in little ol' 3-chord me?
But it's true - you like me, I like you
I'm ready, let's do it baby

 

so you'd have to listen to understand.

wow. so i actually got ready for work this morning because i didn't have to be there in the middle of the night. and so i heard quite a few interesting comments from our regular customers...my favorite was when this one guy said "wow, you can change like jekyll and hyde(SP?) .. is that how you look in real life? away from sbux? " i laughed so hard...i wasn't quite sure how to take it! i'm sure it was a complement but the fact that i normally look like those guys...hmm maybe i should care more about my image.

 

 

nah i don't think so. i'd rather sleep and do other more productive things.

 

very humorous day so far.

My soul is willing. The flesh is weak.

Every ounce of strength

Is less than enough

To remain standing strong

Another fall, another weak

Moment

This spirit of guilt

Like a cloud

Rests on my shoulders

enveloping my thoughts

struck am I with the reality

of my actions.

Incoherency of my words.

Lowliness of my thoughts

Unable to justify

There is no excuse

only the desires of the flesh

which prevail

O, how far have I fallen!

Betrayal is mine. Your death

Is mine.

My choices were the nails

.My life was the thorn.

The scorn that whipped you

I am but scorn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

goals. we all make them, almost as much as we all break them. what importance are they to each individual's reality? i used to make lots of goals, i'd scribble them down in a notebook "this is what i want to accomplish in the year 2004." "this is what i want to do as soon as.." "this is how i want to spend my summer" eventually goals ended up in the same category as hopes and dreams. each of those shared a similarity: they made me feel even more unworthy.

one conversation with my oldest sister changed my perspective. "You need to have goals, do you ever make any?" "No, I used to make a lot. Maybe I hold my expectations of life too highly. I'm always being disappointed in myself and in others. So I've stopped making goals, what's the point?" "Start with making smaller ones that you know you can accomplish, then it'll progress from there."

So I did. After a very short night hike up a canyon with a few guy friends, I made the goal that I would complete the hike alone. One afternoon, I made the attempt. It was one of the most difficult things I've done. I had no one to motivate me or keep me company or to give me some of their water. I wasn't the most brilliant anticipator and it resulted in running out of water about halfway to the lake. But i found snow. And I drank snow (I have a very good immune system, I drink river water in mexico and never get sick!). Sitting at the lakes shore with my feet dangling in the water, I realized I had accomplished a goal. The way down the mountain I spent praising God and singing at the top of my lungs and running from moose, it was the most glorious feeling ever. Until i reached the bottom and realized I was locked out of my car, alone, no cell phone, in the dark...but that's another story.

Since then I have made bigger goals, some of which have been accomplished, others in the process, and still others not. But as long as I am taking the initiative I know that is all I have the ability to do and the rest is out of my control. To know that control and goals go hand in hand is to know that I don't have to be accountable for what is not happening in my life. If the Lord has complete control over your life then it is out of your hands, but that is not to say we can neglect using our abilities to accomplish all that is possible.

Not only did that hike teach me not to break the smallest window in the car, it taught me that I am capable of hope.

 

My heart is large.

Its desires are many and

Great.

A horizon line exists not

The world doesn't hear

Nor pays heed to

My heart

 

 

My heart is large

Of it, only oblivion is expected

Follow a pattern, conform,

Be still and stifled

These chains cannot hold me down,

The world,

Merely a tent I occupy,

Will surely collapse.

 

 

My heart is large

It aches and

Longs

To be set free from

The temporary.

A desire greater than itself

Burns deep.

To be seen

As it was created,

To point to the everlasting-

The Creator.

 

 

My heart is large

It is not

Blind.

Compassion overflows as it gazes

Upon the face of the world:

Bondage, the fatherless, fear and

Hopeless.

Freedom, it knows well.

My heart has been graced.

 

 

My heart is large.

Toil and trial keep in good

Company

Breaking is always near

Emptiness is no stranger

Fear and shame often occupy

My heart.

Many scars are its blemishes

 

 

My heart is large

It risks hurt to

Risk love.

it knows the Healer.