It's easy to assume at this point in my life, the way choas tends to dominate order, that I've experienced quite a quality of life that most people do not have to be burdened with or are burdened with.  Of course, being just the physical and material and only just the pure basis of image and appearance (which society tends to view me for before they take a look at what I even have to say)   it should come to no surprise that I've had to force the neglect of the self upon my self to move past the interference that people will set up.  Most likely, I could have easily fallen victim to the many things that not just many people suffering with gender identity disorder go through, but mainly tennagers, in the sense that its a constant never ending apocalypse in the central nervous system and all the elements that fund our brain to do what is righteous, the entities that define dignity, integrity and disgrace.  And well I did fall victim to a lot of self-fulfilling prophecies, however, to understand something you have to encounter nothing.  And plenty of nothings have condeluded my thoughts, my aspirations, my dreams, my very being.  I broke free of my own restrictions that I had place in front of myself, because I didn't know any other way to deal with a problem rather than just temporarily putting a fix to it, or neglecting it altogether.  I've had to force open my mind to understand what is real and what is not.  Through this refining as an individual, I'm more clear headed and leveled and in control of all the aspects I have control over, except those out of bounds like nature,etc.  (which dear god, thank god laws of physics and chemistry bind those things lol) More importantly, I've pushed past the image part and working more intensely on the inner part.  Independence, freedom of thought,  and the self discovery of right and from wrong seem to be the stability of human ego.  So why did I ever sell myself short of those wonderful possessions, quite possibly the greatest gifts ever rewarded to any organism of life,  partly in fact that it is much easier to sell the self short and supply it with anesthesizing agents, emotions, supplications and reassurance in the word of others that the path of the one that was once righteous turns to falling from grace.  Everyone experiences a signifacnt amount of problems it just takes the right degree of understanding and enlightenment to wage the war.  I've blocked the way to go back finally. I've forced myself to go forward.  Many times the idea of quitting is so refreshing and so pleasant.  But why, why throw everything away that I've worked so hard to achieve, I cannot afford to think vain, for I've encountered a higher quantized state of what I truly love and want to do and become.  Is it wrong to want to pursue that conscious thought, is it wrong to desire more knowledge and desire more in-depth analysis and understanding of why.  Many attempts of fulfilling the void of knowledge end in failure and destruction or is it that the approach and the engagement of conceptions lead us to our own self-fulfilling prophecy.  There are no defintions and restrictions set on the way to acquire knowledge or to investigate it.  It is the intention of the individual who eats from the tree of knowledge that catalyzes the balance of thought. 

For a time, I was convinced I was immune to it.
But no, I fell victim to it, the very substance that could have been my ruin.
It feels so agonizing to deplete and drain myself of such a wonderful euphoria,
but not all lasts forever.    I sold myself into a fantasy, a void, an idea.
Like liquid larvae concealed in a coccoon of decomposition, I was
absorbing toxcins of anger, resentment, hatred and sheer lunacy.
Why would this happen, how could it happen, what have I done.
Repetition kept on, and apologizes all started to sound so alike
that I was deaf to reality.  Yet I still carried hope, and wanted
preserverance.  Never did it arrive.  The lashings, the torture,
the whippings, the screaming, the bruises, the scratches,
the bleeding, the crying led me to another world inside of
my head, one that let me abandon the physical and
access the escape.  Thus, I was numb and immune
and expectant of the torture.  More apologizes, more
misguidance, more venom.  I woke up and realized
that I had sold myself and for the first time had
placed value on myself and it was of negative value.
I gave in, I listened blindly to my emotions, to my heart,
to my insecurity.  Why? What was it that I needed?
What was it that I was searching for ? What was it
that I seeked and lusted after like a drug.  When I
liberated myself of love, I liberated myself of
constant abuse, future screaming, future scratching,
future bloodshed, future bruising, future destruction. 
I let go of my emotions, I let go of my heart. 
I listen only to my brain and nothing else, my heart
is a liar, my heart is a deceiver, my heart is a dangerous
trap of impending downfall.  I will not allow myself to
believe I am an expectation, a statistic, a type of
example, an indication of failure, nor an individual
of weakness.  Why would I harm myself, why I would
censor myself, why would I surrender my individuality,
why would I kill my spirituality, why would I allow others
to dictate me, judge me and decide my destiny.  Never.
Ultimately, I will ascend with or without anyone or anything.
I will never let love scar me again, bruise me again,
make me bleed again or let me believe again. 
Natural selection of the intellect begins with the one
who can strive through nothingness and earn
righteousness.

Could not the glass of a thousand
not the glass of a million
not the glass of a many
break down the passion within the world

Crack the fragile, bleeding sympathy
of the backbone of nature with
Man's wars and armageddon

Make me vomit
again and again and again
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

For his shrunk shank and his big manly voice
Proving again to us that we're just flickers
Floaters and free replaceable spirits of a sphere
of a globe where no gravity grows
no control

But in seconds of desperate hours
of pre-measured sicklied time
I cry out to you, you and only you
like a vulture crying to its corpse created crease prey
Pray I do, unto you :
Ave...
Gratia pleana, dominus tecum
Benedicta tu...nostrae.

The healing has scattered
but my memories of thee, have not
Please come back to me
Before it is we
Before it is you
Before it is me
Before it is all forgot

Our Exordium was wept
by nothing which can express these foreign disturbances
I met both bleeding eyes in surprise
Awaiting reply
Your silence only cryptically crept over the crevice of my lip

Solemn dalliance devirginiating my subsistence
With the hostility of demons devouring angels
Your comatose event
The petals of my rose ensorcelled, rotten to their fibers
cast upon the frigid earth
I slumber with the detritus reflecting
My silence...

Can you please tell me what all of this means?

I was once beyond mind but not this time.

Mislead to my unfortunate.

Here I wait for you under the blood soaked stars
In the cloak of the night I cry out to you
My weeping is absorbed not by you but by something other

"Give it a name
Give it a name
Give it a name..."
Is all that can be reflected into the mind from a standpoint

I devulge inside the abscence questioning me
still your pupils excrete interrogations
that I will always leave unanswered

what remains of me
will remain of you

and so I'll repeat the verse as if i've sung it before...

"Abro mi corazón en la elasticidad fuera de lo que temo la mayoría
En este momento ahora revelado: aquí miente mi fantasma"

 If I can't love myself, than how can I love you?! Running away,from you, is the cure from me to you...though

If paths shall cross one day again, dont bother looking, i'm gone again, try and try, but I pretend, to reject your

love, when I'm torn without end, Love draw me in, seek to avenge, I stole your tears from you , a love of one's who

I fail to rebuke, release my identity, kill me compassionately, I wish I could have all the time in the world for thee, but

there's only one eternity,
The thing no love can grant for me.

I am the false truth,

 hidden underneath every loose flaw,

nothing you can do , will prove, all the damage you've left to do,

Why this again, bringing it back before...

Weakness eating me, your hate inspiring the unsaid

Would you still want me after I expire?

Burning in desires fire

Closer,farther we seperate,

Victim to isolation,never great

I stand waiting, but the demon of desecration will not stop,

losing, losing ,losing, another drop...

Every second racing, and flowering with what i've not said[all the dread]

I stole your tears from you, the owner who's love I [cannot] rebuke

But will you lay me down to sleep, hold me, for I'm yours to keep,

Do not let the others prey, suffering, with night nor day,

Banishment I cannot pay,

 Keep me here in your grasp,unforgettably i'll be your last

 

 Love, I'm here to stay....

No longer one wanted, as I am hunted, by no other way of will I force into your kill, sweetly as the stars and skies, bleed blood sick, keep me,keep me,keep me close, my sins run thin,losing your touch,I slip

 

 

....I'm whole within.

Just a star stuck in the constellations
removing all,deciphering nothing
yet why must you keep in search

Secrets are best revealed through discovery
No.
Do not discover,
What ill fate will,
If these looks could kill,
one could only be a murderer

Restrain from activity,
This is another trial for me

Peer into the dark stills,
shallow.

Retribution is yours to claim,
that one last chance may always be acheived,
but yet only one awakening is granted

shower me in Cancer,
but I must hide from the pure hideous sun.