Okay...
So my due date was May 23rd.
Today is May 26th. {sigh}

When will this damn baby pop out my belly!?! lol

I went to the E.R. yesterday because my blood pressure went from 110/65 to 145/70. Yeah, that's a big jump!
My feet are so swollen, I can move the water around with my fingers! yuck! I know...
And my hands and fingers have swollen up so much I can barely grip the steering wheel to drive...

Yes, I'm STILL driving! lol
I have a 7 year old son to take care of... can't just lay on my ass all day even if I wanted to...

Anyway...
They monitor me at the hospital... eventually my blood pressure lowers itself... yay, ok great...
I was hoping it wouldn't because the combonation of high blood pressure, severe swelling, and a migrane are all signs of Pre-Eyclamsia! Which means they'd HAVE to induce me!

But no... they send me home 4 hours later...

Sooooo..........
Today I went and saw my regular OB doctor this morning.
He said my hands and feet were really bad... as well as my ankles and wrists... and told me to go soak in a warm bath.
Um...PROBLEM! I'm a fat girl... a fat PREGNANT girl! I can't FIT into my bathtub comfortably! Hell, I just might get stuck! lol
So, yeah... THAT's not happening.

Anyway... he then decides to FIST ME! That hurt you fucking asshole!!!
Er, I mean....he checks my cervix!!
I'm 2 centimeters dialated. Well, that's 2 centimeters more than I was on Saturday! So this is a good thing!
Apparently NOT good enough for inducment! grrrr!!!
Although I am sloooooowly starting to dialate, my cervix still hasn't softened, thinned out, or lowered itself.
So... he tells me that's not good enough by HIS standards for inducement...

According to his professional opinion, I'll have the baby by Tuesday via SPONTANEOUS birth! yeah... ok... great.
A whole fucking WEEK past due!
That's the last thing I want!

My son was less than 7lbs when I had him and I ripped my perineum from one whole to the other...
Yes... you heard me correctly! lol

So, if this baby comes a week late, and she's already at 7.5lbs! I'm skerred of what might cooter might do! :-(

I start bawling...
I mean... dammit! I'm FRUSTRATED! I want this baby out!!!!!
I'm sick of being pregnant!
And, well... I have an important timeline to adhere to...
Plans have been made, plane tickets have been purchased...
Plus, my son goes to Colorado for the summer, and I want him to get in some bonding time...
{sigh}

The doc FINALLY sees my aggitation and tells me that if I don't have the baby by next appointment (which is Thursday the 1st) he will INDUCE ME!
YAY!
Thanks asshole!! :-)

So, now I'm stuck playing the waiting game!

I never ever ever ever want to be pregnant again. EVER!!!!!!!!!

So... I'm off to Moreno Stinking Valley to drop my son off at my mom's house... just in case I DO go into labor this weekend!
God, I sure hope so! I've never wanted to have pain come soooo badly before! lol

I will keep y'all posted!

And If I do go into labor this weekend, my homie will post a bulletin from my account for me.
If you are really dying to know...(Nahider... lol) I should have your phone number on my call list! :-)

~Chanel

Okay, so...Y'all know that I am an AMERICAN IDOL superfan!
So I figured I'd do my version of a re-cap for the season finale!
Here it tis...

Paris Bennett sings with Al Jareau...
Paris is a fantastic singer.
Al Jareau is a great singer.
But, putting them both together was just mean.
Al Jareau is so geriatric it's sad...His voice trembles, he went off key a couple times, etc.
You could tell Paris was doing her best to follow him during their duet.
It was AIGHT... I still love Paris, tho!

Chris Daughtry sing with Live...
First off, forgive me for not knowing who the hell the band Live is... lol
Ok. Chris is the man! I love his voice, and I think he could sing just about anything! Matter of fact, I think he outsung Live's leader singer. It's a shame he got the boot when he did. He shoulda been in the finals! (With Elliott, of course!)
Anyway... the performance was...Ehh. The song they sang SUCKED, but Chris rocked and he looked sexy as hell doing it! Good enough!

Puck and Pickler I
Escargo! Yes, it's a snail you retard! You don't insult a Chef to his FACE! And who puts a dirty napkin under their seat? Oh, I know who. Dumb blonde hicks with bad table manners, that's who! Moving on.....

Katherine McPhee sings with Meatloaf...
Is it just me or did Meatloaf start the song off while having a seizure? (Kinda reminds me of the way Jessica Simpson convulses when she sings.)
I despise Katherine. (Not because she's not talented...but because she's INCONSISTENT! And dammit, if weren't for her ONE solid performance of the season ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow") my boy Elliott would have been in the finale!!)
Anyway... Meatloaf sucked ass... Katherine did a pretty decent job trying to harmonize with him. And I was moderately impressed with her acting skills... the whole damsel in distress thing was fitting for the song.

Puck and Pickler II
Lobster. {sigh} It's not like it was gonna jump of the table and chase her!
Um...Kelly Pickler is a fucking retard!
I heard a rumor she might be doing a sitcom pilot about a Southern dimwit beauty who goes to Los Angeles to visit her cool Hollywood cousin and ends up staying! And of course, the cool cousin and her friends show Pickler's character the ropes or city life.
Needless to say. I won't be watching THAT show if it ever airs!
Might as well just watch the Newlywed's DVDs! yuck!

The Top 6 Men sing...
Elliott, Chris, Taylor, Ace, Kevin & Bucky.
Great performances! Can't say a single bad thing about this one!
Thank goodness...I was getting worried! ;-) The men absolutely ROCKED this season! And they all looked fine as hell doing it! Even Kevin and Bucky! Good job fashion department!

Elliott Yamin sings with Mary J. Blige...
Okay, y'all know me. Anything Elliott sings is heaven in my eyes!
He came out sooo strong! Then Mary J. took the stage!
She pulled a Mariah and took over! They shoulda turned her mic down, dammit! Not that I don't love Mary J., cuz I do...
But, it was Elliott's moment, so needless to say, I'm disappointed!

Ya gotta love Elliott's mom, tho! They are so devoted to each other! And if you looked closely enough, you could see Elliott's girlfriend standing next to his mom. You'll notice that the camera doesn't even give her a chance, tho! It didn't even pan to her slightly, less known introduce her! Elliott was quoted yesterday saying, "no, we're not getting married..."  hmmm...

Carrie Underwood sings her latest single...
She's gorgeous as always! And so classy! Gotta love her country ass! :-)
I've got nothing bad to say about this girl!

Taylor Hicks sings with Toni Braxton...
Okay, so I think Toni got Mary J.'s mic! lol Cuz they really needed to turn Toni's up and Mary's down! I love me some Toni Braxton. Girl is FINE AS HELL! And I love love love that lil white dress she was sportin'! I think Taylor got a lil hot under the collar... ;-)
It was a good performance. But I wish I could have heard Toni harmonize with Taylor better... Oh well.

The Top 6 Women sing...
Paris, Mandisa, Melissa, Katherine, Kellie and Lisa.
Let me just get this rant outta the way! Why the hell did they let Kat sing my precious ELLIOTT'S SONG!? ("I'm Trouble") Are the producers of American Idol TRYING to kill me?? And what's with that big ass renagade curl on the right side of Kat's head? UGH!!!!

Okay, I have mad love for Mandisa...love her voice, her grace, and the fact that she is a Big Beautiful Diva! However... is it just me or did her ass get bigger? No, seriously... did she GAIN weight? {sigh}
Overall the women's performances were pretty good. BUT! Collectively not as good as the men. Sorry ladies... it was a man's world this time around!
Mandisa closed it out tho! In the words of Randy... 'we got a HOT one tonight!' I don't care how big her ass gets, that girl can BLOW!

Michael Sandecki and Clay Aiken
Can you say, PRICELESS!!?!!
Michael's wet dream came true when Clay's ass came out! Thank god, tho! I didn't want to hear another note from that Sandecki kid! But um, what's with Clay's new hairdo? Is he TRYING to look gay? Oh, wait...nevermind.
In case you missed it, here's the video!

American Idol Finalists sing with Burt Baccarat...
Kellie's twang. UGH! Please spare me...
Ace and Melissa sounded good together! hmmm... And I love Melissa's body! Sheesh! Too bad her face is more manly than Ace's tho.
Katherine's dress was gorgeous!
Bucky... lol Bucky. Gotta love the Buckster! Nuff said....
Mandisa in FLATS? tsk tsk... how mean! Why the fat girl gotta be in flats?
Elliott... "house is not a house..." LOVE IT! So sexy! I love that man!
Kevin. Oh-So adorable... lol He should be on broadway! But, what was with the Pussycat song? hehehe
Paris and her spiderman jewelry...um, a bit much!
Dion Warwick still has it! yay! Cept for the last note! lol

The Brokenote Cowboys...
{sigh} I can't find the words to describe this part of the show. lol So I'll just move on...

Prince aka. The Artist Formerly Known as Someone Worth Listening To
Um... don't get me wrong. I like Prince. I've loved most of his music. But... This is a FAMILY show people! lol Gyrating hoochies on stage is a bit much if you ask me! I mean, *I* don't mind gyrating hoochies... but my son thinks they're kinda grossy... ;-)

Taylor and Katherine sing...
YAY! Katherine's boobies weren't falling out this time! hehehe The dress was fabulous!
Taylor was GREAT. Katherine was alright... I hate when she goes into her upper-register, tho. She gets all shrieky!
But overall, good duet! Isn't it funny how the 2 non-pro singers sing a better duet than the songs with the real pros!

The RESULTS!
HAHAHAHAHA! Take that McPheever fans!
Since my boy Elliott didn't make it, I was rooting for Taylor!
So I feel slightly better! Only slightly tho!

And one last thing...
It's a shame that American Idol gets more votes than the presidential elections! Damn shame!
But then again, I'm not a registered voter! lol But I ALWAYS vote for my favorite Idol! hehehe

CAN'T WAIT FOR AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 6!

"ChaCha...out!"
www.myspace.com/elliottyaminfanclub

An in-depth survey...
It's long...so be prepared!!!


Would you rather be taller or shorter?
--I'd like to be a little bit taller. At least 5'5"! Thank god for platforms!

What's your body type?
---Well before the baby, it was large and curvy. But, now...lol it's gonna be huge and flabby! hehehe  niiiiice...  HOWEVER, I'm really porportioned. So that's a good thing!

Are you comfortable being naked?
--Sure as long as I'm alone or I'm sleeping under the covers... ;-)  Even when I was skinny, I was never comfortable being naked. I like wearing revealing clothing, but that's about it.

How often do you workout?
--LMAO! Um... not often enough! But I'ma change that soon as I pop this baby out! L.A. Fitness and I are going to have a very special relationship! I'm planning on lots of cardio, swimming, volleyball, raquetball, and of course weight training!

Do you tan?
--Yep! By the end of the summer, I'ma look like a dirty mexican. I tan REALLY easily... don't really burn tho.

Do you have your nails manicured?
--Always... right now, they're my natural nails. (thank god for prenatal vitamins!) but usually they're acrylics...french tips only, no color. Although, I do like pink on my toes. I think a french manicure on the toes is kinda stupid looking.

What is your dress size?
--I don't wear dresses... so I dunno.

Are you happy with your dress size?
--I'm not happy with any of my clothing's sizes!

Where is your birthmark?
--On my calf.

Do you dye your hair frequently?:
--I get highlights put in twice a year.

Are your fingers long and slender, short and fat, or somewhere in between?:
--Short and fat! Right now I can't even wear my ring...

Do you have thin or full lips?:
--Very full! {smooch} Someone once called my lips floppy! :-( I don't think they're THAT big, tho! lol

Do you have thin hair, thick hair, or somewhere in between?:
--Thin hair. My mom has alopecia... so my hair is thinning like hers... :-( I won't ever be bald... but it won't grow back in either.

Have you ever dieted?
--I tried the low-carb diet last summer. But the reduction in carbs made me cranky as hell! So... I'll stick to popping pills, eating in moderation and working out.

Have you ever had an eating disorder?
--Never...not even OVEReating... I can't imagine being Aneorexic! And I hating throwing up, so bulimia is out!

What are you most self conscious about on your body?
--My stomach and my upper arms...however, after viewing the status of some of my fellow fatties upper arms... Mine aren't so bad! lol

What do you like the most about your body?
--I have very firm calves! And I like my boobs, so long as they're in a bra!

What have you been made fun of for?
---What HAVEN'T I been made fun of for? lol My nappy hair, my slanted eyes, my fat ass, etc...


MIND:

Do you like yourself?
--Most of the time. Depends on the day...

Do you love yourself?
--Sure...

Are you happy with your life?
--Ehhhh, not really...

What makes you happy?
--Nothing really... at least not long-term. I pretty much live in a constant state of depression.

Who, or what would you risk your life for?
--My kids, my man, my mom, and my brother. That's it.

Describe your personality in one or two words:
--Moody and ambitious.


FAMILY:

Do you get along with your family?
--I get along with the people that bother to talk to me. Otherwise... no. My family is really divided.

Do you wish they were different?
--They are what they are. I can't change them, and they can't change me...

Who do you get along with most?
--My Momma. We're both ghetto! ;-)

Who makes you laugh?
--No one really. My own sense of humor is so over the top, it's hard to find someone funnier than me, unless they are a professional comedian.

Who makes you cry?
--No one. I cry mostly due to bad dreams, childhood memories, and random emotional outbursts due to pregnancy. lol

Who is strict?
--My boyfriend is alot stricter than me when it comes to the kidlets... ironically, since I'm the one who can't stand kids! hehehe

Who is laid back?
--Me! I'm sooooo laid back and chill...but not passive.

Who makes you think?
--Makes me think? Um I make myself think. No one in my life really challenges my mind...

Who will do anything for you?
--My man! Anything!

Is the love for your pets same as the love for your family?
--Of course not. Pets are freakin ANIMALS! Not family. If my dog got hit by a car, I'd cry for a day, then get another one. It's as simple as that. (Although, I don't currently have a dog! lol) Anyone who replaces humans for pets is just stupid.

Something a family member gives you on the holidays that you hate?
--My step-family always gives me socks. Just random socks. No particular color or style... lol But hey, who doesn't need socks!?

Something a family member does, that drives you crazy?
--My mother smokes like a chiminey. My 21 year old brother doesn't work and sleeps on my mom's living room floor. And my grandma refers to my EX step-dad as "Your daddy" even though he's not my dad, he raped me as a child, and I hate his fucking guts! I don't know why she does it, but she does. And I HATE it.

FRIENDS:

How many friends do you have?
--I have lots of acquaintences... but as far as friends go, I'd say, maybe 8... if THAT! I have trouble keeping friends. I get bored easily with people. And I generally don't get along with very many people. I'm a snob! What can I say....?
Besides, everyone's definition of a friend is different. People I consider friends are people that I talk to on a weekly basis, go places with, trust with my kids, share secrets with, call at the spur of the moment to hang out and people I know I can count on if I need something. Anyone else is just an acquaintence.

What are their names?
--I'd rather not go there... Cuz, if your name isn't on the list, you're gonna be all butthurt. And if your name IS on the list and you don't think it should be, I'd feel like an ass... lol

Do you have a best friend?
--I don't have a best friend. But I've got 1 close friend... My friend Micah. I can call him anytime day or night. I can talk to him about ANYTHING and I mean anything... I trust him with my secrets. He is my sounding board when I think of new ideas, he's not afraid to tell me I'm wrong and he's the first person to give me props when I'm right!  Ironically, he's not the person I would call to go clubbing with, but that's ok. I've got other friends for that.

Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?
--More female friends...oddly enough, since my track record with female friends is horrible!

Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?
--Aside from the being the usual shoulder to cry on? Hmmm... nothing that really stands out in my head. Sad, huh?

How often do you spend time with your friends?
--Well, since I've been pregnant for the last 9 months...I've only seen a few friends half a dozen times. But on a normal basis, I see most of my friends weekly.

SEX & RELATIONSHIPS:

How many boyfriends/girlfriends you had?
--3 serious relationships.

If you would marry anyone at your age, who would it be?
--Don of course! We've been together for 5 years! :-)

Do you tell people you love them just to get want you want?
--Nah... that's just stupid.

Do you believe there's someone for everyone?
--Yup...Every Romeo has a Juliet. I'm a firm believer in that. I hate when pretty people discount the GOOD solid relationship of a couple just because they assume that the 2 people are together because they aren't attractive enough to find anyone else.

Completely describe your ideal mates personality:
--Oh god, I could go on forever with this! My man has everything I need... however. If we were to ever break up, I'd want to find someone just like him but with better sense of direction, more basic common sense, less of an obsession for money and gambling, and someone who doesn't make stupid jokes. ;-)

Completely describe their appearance:
--Decent face, flat stomach, cool hair, great ass, pretty eyes, cute smile... the usual...

Your ideal date:
--Eh, I was never really big on dating. Just take me somewhere NICE to eat and lets have some good conversation. I'm simple.

Your ideal wedding:
--Not too big. Probably outdoors in a garden setting, gorgeous wedding dress built to fit. HUGE party afterwards with a food spread like no other! lol

When was the last time you had sex?
--Let's skip this question, shall we? lol My doctor ordered no sex or sexual stimulation about 3 months ago. So... lol needless to say...

When was the last time you kissed?
--We kiss everyday... but lately it's just been those daily pecks. The 'see you later kiss' and the 'goodnight let's go to sleep kiss'. I'm sure after the baby gets here and my hormones balance out again, we'll be making out like teenagers again! lol

What was your first kiss like?
--lol Jefferson is gonna love this one! ;-)  Um... it was very sweet, gentle and innocent at first. But eventually he devoured my face! I think I nearly drowned! lol Other than that... it was great! We used to make-out allll the time! Dang! I miss him. Too bad I treated him poorly that summer!

How old were you when you got your first kiss?
--My official first kiss was when I was 13.

Want to get married? What age?
--Yeah, I want to get married eventually. But I'm in no rush! I think marriage is overrated. People jump into marriage way too often mostly due to tradition or societal and family pressures.

What is your sexual orientation?
--Ha Ha! Good question... I used to be bisexual. But I don't think I am anymore. Don't get me wrong, I think women are beautiful and sexy, but I no longer have a desire to be with them. Weird, I know. But it's slim pickens these days... so I'm over it.

Are you uncertain of your orientation?
--Not uncertain... just riding the fence...

If gay or bi, when did you realize it?
--A long ass time ago! When I was 12!

Do you always use protection?
--Only with someone new...

Top or bottom?
--lol um... BOTH!

What is the furthest you would ever go with someone of the same sex?
--lol... I've gone all the way and then some!

Where do you want to get married?
--Right here in California!

Have you ever cheated or been cheated on?
--My ex (my son's dad), had a problem with keeping his lil dick in his pants when we were together. S'ok... I got him back! I gave his best friend a blow job he will remember for the rest of his life!
(yes, I'm just THAT good...)
My current boyfriend got CLOSE to cheating on me this past summer, with this fucking beaner bitch from work (Michelle Ramirez). He's lucky he didn't fuck her. He'd be unemployed and homeless and she'd be handicapped. :-) Think I'm kidding? Talk to my ex, I've got references for the damages I have caused! LOL

If you have had sex, where was the craziest/silliest place youve done it?
--Bent over a car in the parking garage at the Denver Pavillions! like HONK HONK!

Should sex be all about emotion and passion?
--Not always...Sometimes it should just be about getting off! I don't see a problem with that. I think people should feel free to fuck whoever they want and as often as they want without feeling like a ho! Sex is meant to be ENJOYED! Otherwise, it would hurt and we'd only do it for reproduction! ;-)  However, I do enjoy the DEEPER connection you have with someone you love...

Sex only after marriage?
--HAHAHAHA! Don't make me gag! If y'all think for one second I would marry a man without testing out the merchandise, you don't know me very well! Sexual Chemistry is numero uno next to true love!

What feelings do you get when you know you love someone?
--I get happy just thinking about him, I can tell him anything, I picture my future with him in it, I wouldn't trade him for anyone, he's like my best friend...Man, I could go on forever!

Do you tend to enjoy the game of getting someone to love you back?
--Yes, actually... I think it's a challenge to get someone to like you! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But if you treat it like a game, it doesn't really matter.

What attracts you?
--As in the opposite sex? Hmmm... looks of course! Call me shallow, I don't care. I'm one picky bitch! You have to be dressed nice, clean cut, nice teeth, cute hair...I don't like fat guys, if the stomach isn't at least flat (if not ripped), I'm not interested. I know I know... I'm a fat girl, who I am I to judge? lol fuck you! Just cuz I'ma fattie doesn't mean I wanna fuck one!

What repulses you?
--Stupidity!!!! Lack of common sense!!! People who chew with their mouths open (namely Asians). Dirty little kids (why don't their parent's CLEAN THEM??). Fat girls who THINK they're hot, so they wear ANYTHING, even if it means they look like a slob with their fat hanging outta everywhere! Old white women that have had countless plastic sugeries and walk around the mall dressed like their teenage daughters.

LIFE:

What did you do last night?
--Went to see Over the Hedge! SOOOOOO CUTE! Loved it!

What do you do with your free time, alone?
--Play on the internet, record myself singing, write music, watch movies on-demand that my boyfriend isn't interesting in watching.

Where is the last place you went today?
--Haven't left the house yet! lol

Who would you like to see in concert?
--American Idol Season 5.

What music do you listen to when you are down?
--I can't really pinpoint a type of music... just whatever comes to mind when I'm feeling like shit. Usually something I can sing to. Singing makes me happy!

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
--First off, I absolutely LOVE living in Orange County! But, if I could live anywhere else, it would be New York or Miami. I've ALWAYS dreamt of living in New York (my mom told me, when my dad left us, he moved to NY...so I'm sure that's why!). And Miami is just GORGEOUS!

Do you prefer to go out a lot or stay in?
--I love to go out! But I don't like the 'pressure' of going out. Having to get dressed up like a whore, putting on 10 layers of make-up, wearing uncomfortable shoes, spending more money than necessary...etc. You know tha drill...  Then again, I hate staying home! lol Since I've been pregnant for the past 9 freaking months, I've become Happy Homemaker! That shit is about to change tho! lol  I NEEEEED to get out!

Where have you traveled to?
--Well, I've lived in California, Arizona, Virginia, DC, and Colorado. But, I've travel through MANY states...

How many concerts have you been to?
--Only 5. New Kids on the Block, Janet Jackson, NSYNC, Britney Spears, and a KIIS FM Christmas Ball...

BELIEFS:

What religion (if any) do you practice?
--I was born and raised Christian. But I don't preactice any type of religion.

Have you ever practiced a religion besides the one you practice now?
--Nope. I don't care enough about religion or blind faith to practice ANYTHING. I've got plenty of other shit to worry about than conforming to another set of standards.

Has someone ever tried to force you to practice another religion?
--Nope. Let's just put it this way... No one can FORCE this bitch to do a damn thing! I'm as hard-headed as it gets! Believe that!

Do you go/have you been to religious gatherings?
--I used to be involved in the church all through Junior and Senior High. But now, I only go to church on Holidays. I like to sing! lol

What religion are your parents?
--My mom is Baptist and my dad is a born-again Christian. Ya know, the kind that goes back and forth to prison and each time they come back more Christian-like and bible-thumpy! Fucking Calvary Chapel!

Do your parents care if you practice the same religion as them or not?
--My mom could care less... But the rest of my family would have a shit fit if they knew I was an ANTI-Christian!

Do you believe a superior being exists/ existed and created life?
--Yes. I believe there is a superior being. However, I don't know if it's because it was pounded in my head as a child or because *I* truly believe it. I'm still 'soul-searching' on this subject.

Do you believe you're right and no one elses religion matters?
--Of course not. Everyone is entitled to believe in whatever imaginary deity they see fit. ;-)

Do you ever doubt your religion or religious beliefs?
--I was raised in the Christian Church. However, it didn't stick! lol I think Christianity is full of a bunch of racists, judgemental, homophobic, self-righteous hypocrites! I don't HAVE a religion to DOUBT! I believe in God, and most of what the bible teaches. But, I'm far from 'religious'. I don't see the need for such blind faith.

Do you believe that each different belief creates a new reality?
--Sure...

Do you believe in evolution?
--I believe in evolution...but I don't believe we came from MONKEYS! I dunno... this is a touchy subject. I guess I don't really sit around thinking about evolution or god very much! lol Who gives a shit HOW we got here... it's hard enough to deal with just being alive.

KNOWLEDGE:

Do you read the dictionary?
--lol...not unless I'm looking up a word.

Encyclopedia?
--EncylcoWHAT? People still use encyclopedias? lol Um... I'm a GOOGLER!

Do you memorize random facts?
--LOL YES!!!! I am the Queen of Useless Information! Just ask my friends... I always have some sort of weird fact to bring up!

What grade are you in?
--n/a

Do you want to go to college? Where and for what?
--I went to college... Well, the Art Insitute for Culinary Arts. Close enough! hehehe  I don't want to go to college, but I wouldn't mind taking some classes in photography. I've even been considering going to school for massage therapy or cosmotology! Can never have too many back-up plans!

Your worst subject?
--All of them! I hated school! Dropped out and just got my GED, then went to college. High School is a waste of time. However, I won't be telling my kids that! LOL!

If you could learn any language, which would you choose?
--Well considering I live in California, land of the illegal aliens, I would have to go with Spanish. That way, when I'm cussing them out, they'll know what the fuck I'm saying! Plus, my homegirl Nahid got me into Novelas on Univision. It'd be nice to know what they're saying.

ETC:

Do you have any special talents?
--Sure... I sing really well, I can cook like a mofo, and I give great head... what more can you ask for? lol

Would you give your nemesis the Heimlich maneuver if s/he was choking on an olive?
--lol hell no! First of all, my nemesis and I will NEVER ever be in the same room. Cuz if she were I'd fucking beat the living shit out of her! (So hopefully she doesn't show up at the class reunion this August! lol)

Have you ever thought of becoming a prostitute?
--Of course! What woman hasn't!? It's the oldest and most honest profession in the world! Why not get paid for handing your pussy out. Especially if you're the type of ho that will hand it out to any dude you meet at a club! lol  However... I've never actually been a prostitute. I've been a stripper, tho. Back in 1998. hehehe
And between 2001 and 2004 I owned a very sucessful and profitable Massage Parlour in Denver, CO. So... althought I've never been a HO, I've sure been a PIMP, and according to my wallet at that time... that was just as nice.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a nice voice?
--Yep! And it's funny... cuz most people assume I'm white when they talk to me on the phone. Then when they meet me in person, they're all like... "huh"? lol

What about a phone sex voice?
--Yep! But it depends on who I'm talking to. I have many many voices.

Who is the last person you thought about?
--No one really... lemme think... um... Well, I was just thinking about my boy Elliott Yamin! How he should be in the finale of American Idol, and how he got robbed by that skank Katherine McPhee! lol

Who is the last person you said I love you to?
--My Honey and my son... they like to jump on the bed in the morning before leaving for work and school! lil punks! 

Who is the last person you looked at?
--Some fat guy who just walked past my window with his belly hanging out the bottom of his shirt! nasty ass!

How do you have your eggs? Do you even like eggs?
--I don't really care for eggs, but when I do eat them, it's either fried egg WHITES or deviled eggs...

The first thing you ate today?
--A thai chicken wrap from this place called Tacone at the Bella Terra mall in Huntington Beach. Not only was it NASTY it was small and overpriced.

Vote for the opposing political party, if offered enough money?
--Of course! I could care less who the president is, so long as he doesn't make homosexuality a crime or start enslaving people again.

Would life be better or easier if we were all emotionless?
--Emotions are what life is about!

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?
--Someone beautiful, rich, and famous! I'd be Jessica Alba for the day! lol Better yet, I'd be a very sucessfull BANK ROBBER for the day. I could use a couple hundred thousand dollars right about now.

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
--Five billion dollars in my bank account. My entire family to be healthy. And...hmmm... I dunno what the 3rd would be... Money can pretty much buy everything else...so... I guess...hmm...I dunno...sorry! lol  OH WAIT!! I know... I'd like to be able to learn ANYTHING with ease! Sports, games, science, calculus, ANYTHING. Just read a book or see a demonstration, and BOOM, I'm now an expert!

If you could buy any company you wanted, what would it be?
--Just one!? Sheesh! Um... Microsoft or Google would be the obvious answer. They make more money than God. But, I'm not interested in software or internet stuff, so I'm going to say either McDonalds or Torrid. :-) I'm simple like that! I'd also like to buy Jamba Juice, CitiBank and Simon Malls.

Would you prefer to live under the sea or on a cloud? Why?
--What a stupid question! Um... neither. I don't like being underwater, and there is nothing to see in the clouds...so. Neither.

You have to belong to another culture. Which one do you choose and why?
--Another culture? Hmmm... Well I'm already african-american and latino, so I guess that leaves asian. But asians are shitty drivers and chew with their mouths open. So I'll pass...lol
Does being a CELEBRITY count as a different culture? I think it does... so, yeah, I'd be a celebrity and see how the other half lives.

You get to meet any historical figure. Who do you choose and why?
-- Probably Jesus Christ. Just to see if he really exists.

You have to change your race. Which would you choose, and why? --White, of course. What could be easier than being Caucasian. (I'm sure I'ma here some shit on this one...bring it on.)

What's the best meal you've ever made?
--Well, considering I'm a certified Chef. Anything I make is good! lol  I can't think of one particular meal. You name it, I can cook it!

So...
The baby is due May 23rd! That's only 7 days from now... yet, it feels like an eternity!
I'm in the totally uncomfortable and sore stage! lol
EVERYTHING hurts!

I was hoping she'd be a week early, like my son was... But no. She's decided she likes torturing me... hehehe
People keep giving me tips on how to get labor started, like drink castor oil, walk alot, have sex, go over speed bumps, eat beets, etc.
I've tried everything but castor oil and sex... as the thought of both of them makes me NAUSEAS! lol (sorry Honey!)

But, it will all be over with soon...
Of course, after that, I'll have a whole other set of problems! lol
Like, losing sleep to feed a baby in the middle of the night...
My boobs will be leaking milk. yuck
And my crotch will be recovering from passing a watermelon! hehehe

However, after all THAT passes...
I am soooo ready to hit the gym, go swimming, play volleyball, go clubbing, GET LAID, and have my body back! lol of course, not all at once!

My son celebrated his 7th birthday on Saturday the 29th.
He woke up and swore he had grown an inch! lol

We left the house to head to breakfast and the California Science Center in Los Angeles...
On the way there he overhears me telling his step-dad that my bra is cutting off my circulation... hehehe.
So he says, "Hey Mom, how come women wear bras and boys don't?"

lol... um... seems like a simple question right? ;-)
So, I tell him, "Girls wear bras because they have boobs, boys don't."
He replies with, "But why do you NEED to wear a bra?"
I say, "Well, because if we don't wear a bra, they'll bounce around and hurt." (I thought about telling him that if we don't, they'll sag... but I didn't want to go there! lol)
So he says, "C'mon Mom, they bounce around anyway, like when you go over speedbumps or when you're running!"

I had no response... lol
I looked at his step-dad, he winks and laughs... hehehe

Then my son says, "Girls have 3 private parts and boys have 4."
I was FLOORED! I'm thinking... 'omg! how does he know this, who told him?!?' lmao!
So I try to be an adult about it and say, "Oh really, and what parts are those...?"  DREADING THE ANSWER of course! :-)

He says, "Well boys were underwear so their penis and testicks don't bounce around, and girls wear bras and underwear so their boobs and PAH JEY NAHS stay in place!"

I about died! lol  no seriously, I did everything I could not to giggle.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me that he learned about PAH JEY NAHS on television! (That's it! No more T.V. for him! lol)

So here I'm thinking... ok, how do I go about giving him proper information... He's only 7! Does he really need to know all of this NOW?
God I hope not!
Luckily, he saw the museum coming up in the distance... so he changed the subject! {whew!}

But, now I know that we're going to have a TALK.
I'm dreading said TALK.
I don't want to even think about the TALK! lol

I want him to stay a clueless child forever!
Which of course, is impossible. {sigh}
And here I am, having another child... a GIRL no less! YIKES!!

Anyway... for those of you parents out there, I just thought I'd share...
I'm sure you can sympathize.. hehehe

~Chanel

HAD TO SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOU WHO NEED A LAUGH!!!! MySpace won't let me post it as a bulletin... I think it's too long! Oh well....

Yo momma's so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled MACYs wrong
Yo momma's so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice
Yo momma's so dumb she failed a survey
Yo momma's so dumb she fell up the stairs
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a price check at the dollar store
Yo momma's so dumb she invented a silent car alarm
 
Yo momma's so dumb and poor that when I came over for dinner she read me recipes
Yo momma's so dumb at bottom of application where it says Sign Here she put Sagitarius
Yo momma's so dumb she got a part time job painting skittles
Yo momma's so dumb she put on her glasses to watch 20/20
Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells are on the endangered species list
Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells die ALONE
Yo momma's so dumb her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box
Yo momma's so dumb her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
Yo momma's so dumb her latest invention was a glass hammer
Yo momma's so dumb her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front
Yo momma's so dumb I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail
Yo momma's so dumb I don't even understand how stupid she is
Yo momma's so dumb I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Yo momma's so dumb I put a ScratchNSniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned
Yo momma's so dumb I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino
Yo momma's so dumb I said it was chilli outside and she ran in and got a bowl
Yo momma's so dumb I said lets go to the superbowl and she ran and got a spoon
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her jumping up and down asked what she was doing and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope asked what she was doing and she said sending a voice mail
Yo momma's so dumb I taught her how to do the running man and I havent seen her since
Yo momma's so dumb I think its a new world record
Yo momma's so dumb I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it
Yo momma's so dumb I told her drinks were on the house so she went and got a ladder
Yo momma's so dumb I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart
Yo momma's so dumb if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to blow her nose
Yo momma's so dumb if brains were gas she wouldnt have enough to power a fleamobile around the inside of a Froot Loop
Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change
Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change
Yo momma's so dumb instead of taking 4 bus she took the 2 bus twice
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to listen to music
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to watch tv
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 4 of her to screw in a light bulb
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 4 hours to watch a 1 hour movie
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her an hour to cook minute rice
Yo momma's so dumb it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles
Yo momma's so dumb on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
Yo momma's so dumb people were askin her for crack and she bent over and said here
Yo momma's so dumb she actually thinks these jokes are funny
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for help to use Hamburger Helper
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said Guess so she said Levis
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what yield meant I said Slow down and she said What does yield mean?
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me whats that letter after X and I said Y she said Cause I want to know
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me Whats the number for 911?
Yo momma's so dumb she asked what time is the 12:00 lunch
Yo momma's so dumb she bought a solarpowered flashlight
Yo momma's so dumb she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home
Yo momma's so dumb she brought a cup to the movie Juice
Yo momma's so dumb she brought a doughnut back to tha shop cause it had a hole in it
Yo momma's so dumb she called Dan Quayle for a spell check
Yo momma's so dumb she called the 7-11 store to see when they closed
Yo momma's so dumb she called the cocaine hotline to order some
Yo momma's so dumb she can't even spell acronyms correctly
Yo momma's so dumb she can't find her own house
Yo momma's so dumb she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box
Yo momma's so dumb she can't pass a drunk test when she is not even drunk
Yo momma's so dumb she can't tie her own shoe
Yo momma's so dumb she chases parked cars
Yo momma's so dumb she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side
Yo momma's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast
Yo momma's so dumb she cooks Indian curry with Old Spice
Yo momma's so dumb she could not get into the first grade
Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't read an audio book
Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses
Yo momma's so dumb she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the 11 button in 911
Yo momma's so dumb she died boiling water in the toaster
Yo momma's so dumb she does not know what she is talking about
Yo momma's so dumb she forgets to pick you up at school
Yo momma's so dumb she forgets what she is thinking before she even think of it
Yo momma's so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W&Ws
Yo momma's so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down
Yo momma's so dumb she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home
Yo momma's so dumb she got on her knees to drink her Nehi peach drink
Yo momma's so dumb she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial
Yo momma's so dumb she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma's so dumb she had surgery on her butt and the doctor removed her brain
Yo momma's so dumb she has 1 toe and bought a pair of flip flops
Yo momma's so dumb she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yo momma's so dumb she has to use her fingers for 1 + 1
Yo momma's so dumb she invented a wheelchair with pedals
Yo momma's so dumb she jumped off a building in attempt to fly because she thought her maxi pad had wings
Yo momma's so dumb she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer: white out is on the screen
Yo momma's so dumb she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network
Yo momma's so dumb she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
Yo momma's so dumb she makes a chimp look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes blondes look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes Bush look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes me feel dumber just talking to her
Yo momma's so dumb she makes the rest of the world seem smarter
Yo momma's so dumb she makes toast in the freezer
Yo momma's so dumb she married Yo daddy
Yo momma's so dumb she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble
Yo momma's so dumb she needs twice as much sense to be a halfwit
Yo momma's so dumb she noticed a sign reading Wet Floor so she just did
Yo momma's so dumb she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a curb
Yo momma's so dumb she ordered a cheese burger from McDonalds and said Hold the cheese
Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled MACYs wrong
Yo momma's so dumb she peals M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies
Yo momma's so dumb she put a peep hole in a glass door
Yo momma's so dumb she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call
Yo momma's so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out
Yo momma's so dumb she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept
Yo momma's so dumb she put her watch in the bank to save time
Yo momma's so dumb she put light bulbs on a christmas tree
Yo momma's so dumb she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
Yo momma's so dumb she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house
Yo momma's so dumb she put security cameras in a glass house to see in other rooms
Yo momma's so dumb she ran out of gas leaving Texaco
Yo momma's so dumb she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the weather
Yo momma's so dumb she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund
Yo momma's so dumb she runs around the bed all night trying to catch some sleep
Yo momma's so dumb she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager
Yo momma's so dumb she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed
Yo momma's so dumb she saw a billboard that said Dodge Trucks and she started ducking through traffic
Yo momma's so dumb she saw her reflection on the TV and thought she was on Jeopardy
Yo momma's so dumb she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
Yo momma's so dumb she sold her Car for gas money
Yo momma's so dumb she sold her camera to buy film
Yo momma's so dumb she sold the house to pay the mortgage
Yo momma's so dumb she spent 30 minutes lookin at an orange juice box because it said concentrate
Yo momma's so dumb she stands up on an empty bus
Yo momma's so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back
Yo momma's so dumb she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a blood test and failed
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a drug test
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a open book test and failed
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks 1 + 1 is 3
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks her twin lives in her mirror
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks socialism means partying
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clockradio
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks the cat in the hat is, a cat in a hat
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks we are all in the Matrix
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks WuTang is an orange flavored drink
Yo momma's so dumb she though Titanic was a new flavor of tic tac
Yo momma's so dumb she thought 2 Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
Yo momma's so dumb she thought 50 cent was a cheap payperview
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a hot meal is stolen food
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund
Yo momma's so dumb she thought asphalt was a skin disease
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center
Yo momma's so dumb she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Chingy was what you say when you don't got no more money
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Condelesa Rice was a Mexican Side Dish
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority
Yo momma's so dumb she thought gangrene was another golf course
Yo momma's so dumb she thought hamburger helper came with another person
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Hot Meals were stolen food
Yo momma's so dumb she thought if she woke up fast enough she could see her self sleeping
Yo momma's so dumb she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Keith Sweat was a Body Odor
Yo momma's so dumb she thought menopause was a button on the stereo
Yo momma's so dumb she thought meow mix was music for cats
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station
Yo momma's so dumb she thought OJ Simpson some kind of fruit juice
Yo momma's so dumb she thought she could get food stamps at the post office
Yo momma's so dumb she thought she needed a token to get on soul train
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project
Yo momma's so dumb she thought St Ides was a Catholic church
Yo momma's so dumb she thought St Ides was an island in the Caribbean
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Thailand was a mens clothing store
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the board of education was a piece of wood
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the internet was something you catch fish with
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the TV guide was directions to get to the television
Yo momma's so dumb she thought WIC meant welfare is cool
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Wu Tang was an African orange drink
Yo momma's so dumb she threw a rock the ground and missed
Yo momma's so dumb she told everyone that she was illegitimate because she couldn't read
Yo momma's so dumb she told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and don't Walk
Yo momma's so dumb she took a coloring book with her to see The Color Purple
Yo momma's so dumb she took a cup to see Juice
Yo momma's so dumb she took a donut to the repair shop and said it had a hole in it
Yo momma's so dumb she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig
Yo momma's so dumb she took a knife to a driveby shooting
Yo momma's so dumb she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain
Yo momma's so dumb she took lessons for a player piano
Yo momma's so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff
Yo momma's so dumb she took you to the drive-in movie theater to see Closed for the season
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building but she got lost on the way down
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drown a fish
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drown herself in a carpool
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off of a cliff
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to mail a letter with food stamps
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to melt squeeze Parkay
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to put m&ms in alphabetical order
Yo momma's so dumb she used white out on a computer screen
Yo momma's so dumb she uses Old Spice for cooking
Yo momma's so dumb she wants to be a blonde
Yo momma's so dumb she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday
Yo momma's so dumb she was looking at a paper and I asked her what you doing? and she said watching paper view
Yo momma's so dumb she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin Free Lays
Yo momma's so dumb she was on the corner with a sign that said Will eat for food
Yo momma's so dumb she washes her hands in the toilet and craps in the sink
Yo momma's so dumb she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes
Yo momma's so dumb she wears a tshirt that says hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi
Yo momma's so dumb she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said I think Ill take the physical challenge
Yo momma's so dumb she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko
Yo momma's so dumb she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said Disney World Left so she went home
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a pap smear
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Gap to fix her teeth
Yo momma's so dumb she went to the McDonalds drive thru and drove through the window
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Target with a handfull of darts and said lets play
Yo momma's so dumb she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Walgreens to see if the walls were really green
Yo momma's so dumb she wouldnt know up from down if she had three guesses
Yo momma's so dumb she'd have to be twice as smart to become a halfwit
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Shop Rite and shopped wrong
Yo momma's so dumb that she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma's so dumb that she uses whiteout as her toothpaste
Yo momma's so dumb that she went to a family reunion to look for a date
Yo momma's so dumb that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
Yo momma's so dumb that under Education on her job apllication she put Hooked on Phonics
Yo momma's so dumb that when she surfed the internet she put a wetsuit on
Yo momma's so dumb that when the judge in the courtroom said Order she said Fries and a coke please
Yo momma's so dumb that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean
Yo momma's so dumb she snuck on the bus and paid to get off
Yo momma's so dumb the worst six years of her life were grade three
Yo momma's so dumb she likes to mop the carpet
Yo momma's so dumb she lost her shadow
Yo momma's so dumb she gave birth to you
Yo momma's so dumb she gets lost in thought
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to steal a free sample
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to wake up a sleeping bag
Yo momma's so dumb she ordered her sushi well done
Yo momma's so dumb was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday
Yo momma's so dumb when asked on an application Sex? she marked M F and sometimes Wednesday too
Yo momma's so dumb when asked what a pronoun was she said a noun that gets paid
Yo momma's so dumb when her daughter had a hart atack she dialed 911 on the microwave
Yo momma's so dumb when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones
Yo momma's so dumb when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one she said Ok but whats the teams?
Yo momma's so dumb when I said we were playing craps she went and got toilet paper
Yo momma's so dumb when I told her to squeal like a pig she said Moo
Yo momma's so dumb when I told her to take the trash out, she moved
Yo momma's so dumb when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver she said cherry or grape?
Yo momma's so dumb when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore I said Guess and she said Ah Levis?
Yo momma's so dumb when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
Yo momma's so dumb when she locked her keys in the car it took her all day to get yo family out
Yo momma's so dumb when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like Vroom Screech Vroom Screech
Yo momma's so dumb when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put OK
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thought she was in hell
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw a Wrong Way sign in her rearview mirror she turned around
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma's so dumb when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back
Yo momma's so dumb when she took you to the airport and a sign said Airport Left she turned around and went home
Yo momma's so dumb when she worked at McDonalds and someone ordered small fries she said Hey Boss all the small ones are gone
Yo momma's so dumb when the computer said Press any key to continue she couldn't find the Any key
Yo momma's so dumb when you she got pregnant she asked the doctor are you sure its mine?
Yo momma's so dumb when you were born she looked at your umbilical cord and said Wow it comes with cable too
Yo momma's so dumb you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is expired
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter
Yo momma's so old her memory is in black and white
Yo momma's so old her social security card is in roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma's so old her breasts squirt out powderd milk
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything
Yo momma's so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma's so old i told her to act her age and she died
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer
Yo momma's so old it looks like the Wrinkle Fairy tap danced on her face
Yo momma's so old I've seen stale rasins with less wrinkles
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so old she babysat for Jesus
Yo momma's so old she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight
Yo momma's so old she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's So old she dated moses
Yo momma's so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma's so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's so old she has all the apostles in her black book
Yo momma's so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma's so old she knew Captain Crunch while he was still a private
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma's so old she left her purse on noahs ark
Yo momma's so old she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers
Yo momma's so old she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo momma's so old she owes Moses a quarter
Yo momma's so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma's so old she remembers what life was like before the ice age
Yo momma's so old she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo momma's so old she uses her hot flashes to heat her cup of Tea
Yo momma's so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Yo momma's so old she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma's so old that in the back seat of your car kids don't say Are we there yet they scream Is she Dead yet
Yo momma's so old that she had Jesus tattoo the ten commandments on her back
Yo momma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma's So old she went blind from the big bang
Yo momma's so old she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo momma's so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma's so old that when God said let the be light she hit the switch
Yo momma's so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma's so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma's so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo momma's so old they ask to check her bags and she's not carrying any luggage
Yo momma's so old vultures constantly circle her house
Yo momma's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he found her fishing on the other side
Yo momma's so old when she gave birth, you came out with Dentures
Yo momma's so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo momma's so old when she was a kid there was no old spice it was called baby spice
Yo momma's so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick
Yo momma's so old when she was young rainbows were black and white
Yo momma's so old you put her in a museum instead of an old folks home
Yo momma's so po she can't even afford the last two letters
Yo momma's so poor a hobo threw a cigarette on the floor and she said Thank God we have heat
Yo momma's so poor burglars break in and leave money
Yo momma's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma's so poor even the republicans were willing to give her welfare
Yo momma's so poor her baloney ain't got no first name
Yo momma's so poor her doormat doesnt say Welcome it says Welfare
Yo momma's so poor her front and back doors are on the same hinge
Yo momma's so poor I asked her what's for dinner and she pulled out a gun and said Next one who moves
Yo momma's so poor I asked her where the facilities were and she replied Pick a corner, any corner
Yo momma's so poor I caught her trying to use food stamps in a gumball machine
Yo momma's so poor I lit a match in her house and the roaches started singing Clap your hands stomp your feet praise the Lord cause we got heat
Yo momma's so poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can and out she popped saying Who knocked?
Yo momma's so poor I saw her hanging the toilet paper out to dry
Yo momma's so poor I saw her in the dumpster. I said what are you doing, she said grocery shopping
Yo momma's so poor I saw her shaking a can around and asked her what she was doing and she said Redecorating
Yo momma's so poor I saw her wrestling a squirrel for a peanut
Yo momma's so poor I stepped on her skateboard and she said Hey get off the car
Yo momma's so poor I stepped through her front door and fell out the back
Yo momma's so poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs, and she screamed Whos taking down the drapes?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her home asked if I could use her toilet and she said Sure thing its 4th tree on your right
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house and stepped on a cigarette butt and she said Hey who turned off the heater?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and said Who turned off the lights?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked to use the bathroom and she gave me two sticks I asked her what the sticks were for and she said Ones to hold up the ceiling the other is to fight off the roaches
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked to use the bathroom and she said Two buckets to your left
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked what was for dinner so she lit my pockets on fire and said Hot Pockets
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house two roaches tripped me and a rat stole my wallet
Yo momma's so poor I went into her house and flushed a cockroach down the toilet and she said Hey whered Grandma go?
Yo momma's so poor I went into her house and saw a bunch of cockroaches sittin around the toilet singin We are family
Yo momma's so poor I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard
Yo momma's so poor only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted
Yo momma's so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma's so poor she bought a tv with only two channels ON and OFF
Yo momma's so poor she bounces food stamps
Yo momma's so poor she can't afford to pay attention
Yo momma's so poor she can't even put her two cents in this conversation
Yo momma's so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
Yo momma's so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo momma's so poor she had to get a second mortgage on her cardboard box
Yo momma's so poor she has to take the trash IN
Yo momma's so poor she has to wear her McDonalds uniform to church
Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice
Yo momma's so poor she put a Slurpee on layaway with food stamps
Yo momma's so poor she put free samples on layaway
Yo momma's so poor she tried to use food stamps in soda machines
Yo momma's so poor she was in KMart with a box of Hefty bags I said What are you doing? She said Buying luggage
Yo momma's so poor she watches television on an EtchASketch
Yo momma's so poor she waves an ice cube around and calls it Air conditioning
Yo momma's so poor she's got more furniture on her porch than in her house
Yo momma's so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree
Yo momma's so poor that when I stepped on a monopoly dollar she said get of my life savings
Yo momma's so poor that when I walked into her house with a piece of bread and droped a crumb on the floor she said now clap your hands and stomp your feet praise the lord we got something to eat
Yo momma's so poor the bank repossesed her cardboard box
Yo momma's so poor the closest thing to a car she has is a lowrider shopping cart with a box on it
Yo momma's so poor TV dinner trays are her good china
Yo momma's so poor when I asked what was for dinner she pulled her shoelaces off and said Spagetti
Yo momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she leaned out the window and said DING DONG
Yo momma's so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush
Yo momma's so poor when I sat on the couch a roach said Get the hell off I pay rent
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street I asked her what she was doing she said ain't you ever seen a mobile home?
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley I asked her what she was doing she said Remodeling
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said Hey miss lost a shoe? she said Nope just found one
Yo momma's so poor when I stepped on her doormat she said Hey you can't go upstairs
Yo momma's so poor when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out
Yo momma's so poor when I was taking family portraits for you and said Cheese she went looking for the line
Yo momma's so poor when I went over to her house for dinner and grabbed a paper plate she said don't use the good china
Yo momma's so poor when I went to use her bathroom I saw a roach sitting on a Pepsi who said "Wait your turn"
Yo momma's so poor when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she growled don't use the good china
Yo momma's so poor when yo family watches TV they go to Sears
Yo momma's got 1 leg longer than other and they call her call her hip hop
Yo momma's got 1 toe and 1 knee and they call her Tony
Yo momma's got 3 toes and 3 knees and they call her Toni Tone Tony
Yo momma's got 3 tongues and talks like this like this like this
Yo momma's got a 4 dollar weave and don't know when to leave
Yo momma's got a afro wit a chin strap
Yo momma's got a bald head with a part and sideburns
Yo momma's got a glass eye talkin bout she can see clearly now
Yo momma's got a glass eye with a fish in it
Yo momma's got a glass eye with a shade
Yo momma's got a glass leg and uses Windex for lotion
Yo momma's got a glass leg with KoolAid in it
Yo momma's got a glass tooth with your fourth grade picture in it
Yo momma's got a house that's so dusty the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies
Yo momma's got a leather wig with suede sideburns
Yo momma's got a long sleeved bra
Yo momma's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns
Yo momma's got a pair of high top flip flops
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns
Yo momma's got a pegleg with a kickstand
Yo momma's got a wait problem she can't wait to eat
Yo momma's got a wheelchair with 5Star rims and a clutch
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a real foot
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with an owls nest in it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with branches
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with termites
Yo momma's got a wooden nipple and they call her Corky
Yo momma's got an afro with a turn signal
Yo momma's got an eagles nest wig
Yo momma's got an eating disorder she be eating dis order dat order she be eating all the damn orders
Yo momma's got an electric wig with a sunroof and opera lights
Yo momma's got everything a man could want
Yo momma's got fake hair fake eyes and fake nails talkin bout she wants a real man
Yo momma's got hair on her tongue and she gargles with curl activator
Yo momma's got hit upside the head with an ugly stick
Yo momma's got ingrown nipples
Yo momma's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Yo momma's got more crack than Harlem
Yo momma's got more crust than bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken
Yo momma's got more weave than a dog in traffic
Yo momma's got no arms or legs and when she goes swimmin they call her Bob
Yo momma's got no ears and was trying on sunglasses
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout how she wanted to be with the Pointer Sisters
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout how she's gonna press charges
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout wanted to be with the Pointer sisters
Yo momma's got no legs and always talking about how she used to kick it
Yo momma's got no legs and tried out for track
Yo momma's got no neck talkin bout how she's all choked up
Yo momma's got one ear talking bout she wants to hear both sides of the story
Yo momma's got one eye and one leg and they call her IHOP
Yo momma's got one eye on the right and she's talkin bout Make this left
Yo momma's got one eye one leg one arm and one knee and they call her UNO
Yo momma's got one leg and people call her Ilene
Yo momma's got one leg talkin bout ain't no half steppin
Yo momma's got PlayDoh teeth
Yo momma's got shark teeth
Yo momma's got snakeskin teeth
Yo momma's got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger
Yo momma's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys
Yo momma's got so many rings around belly she's gotta screw her underwear on
Yo momma's got so many teeth missing it looks like her tounge is in jail
Yo momma's got so much dandruff she needs to defrost it before she combs her hair
Yo momma's got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts
Yo momma's got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it
Yo momma's got so much hair under her arms it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock
Yo momma's got so much weave AT&T uses her extensions as backup lines
Yo momma's got so much weave when a fly goes by her hair swats at it
Yo momma's got three fingers and a banjo
Yo momma's got three fingers and runs around stealing bowling balls
Yo momma's got three fingers talkin bout Gimme five
Yo momma's got three teeth one in her mouth and two in her pocket
Yo momma's got two fingers and she's a representative for world piece
Yo momma's got two wooden legs and one is on backward
Yo momma aint so bad she would give you the hair off of her back
Yo momma's armpits are so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock
Yo momma's arms are so short she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear
Yo momma's ass is so fat she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs of crack
Yo momma's ass so hairy it look like bob kings boitu to pop out and say open america
Yo momma's ass is so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema
Yo momma's been on welfare so long they put her face on the food stamps
Yo momma's blind and is seeing another man
Yo momma's booty is so big if You tell her to haul ass she gotta make 2 trips
Yo momma's breath must be taking karate because its really kickin
Yo momma's breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck
Yo momma's breath so bad she has to take prescription Tic Tac
Yo momma's breath so bad she made a tic tac run away
Yo momma's breath so stank needs odor eaters
Yo momma's breath so stank we don't know whether you need gum or toilet paper
Yo momma's breath so stank when she exhales her teeth have to duck
Yo momma's breath so stinky she needs odor eaters
Yo momma's breath so stinky when she exhales her teeth have to duck
Yo momma's breath stinks so bad that people look forward to her farts
Yo momma's butt is so big it looks like 2 pigs fighting over milk duds
Yo momma's butt is so bony she put her drawers on and cut them in two
Yo momma's butt is so fat if you put numbers on it she could stamp license plates
Yo momma's car's so ugly someone broke in just to steal The CLUB
Yo momma's code so bloated she makes assembly look like C
Yo momma's crosseyed and watches TV in stereo
Yo momma's dial up internet is faster then her
Yo momma's Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat to the dump?
Yo momma's Do you know the story about the little old woman that lives in a shoe? Well Yo momma's so poor she live in a flip flop
Yo momma's drawers are so dirty the roaches check in but they don't check out
Yo momma's ears got so much wax she got a job as a candle
Yo momma's feet are so ashy it looks like she kicks flour for a living
Yo momma's feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates
Yo momma's feet are so big she could get a job helping Smokey the Bear stomp out forest fires
Yo momma's feet are so stanky she should be charged with sock abuse
Yo momma's feet so fat her sneakers need license plates
Yo momma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes
Yo momma's so fat she bit into a school bus and said where's the cream filling
Yo momma's forehead is so big you could show slides on it
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving
Yo momma's so grouchy the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals
Yo momma's gums so black she spits Chocolate Milk
Yo momma's gums so black that she spits Yoo hoo
Yo momma's hair so greasy you could fry a chiken in it
Yo momma's hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it
Yo momma's hair so short she curls it with rice
Yo momma's hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches
Yo momma's has 10 fingers, all on the same hand
Yo momma's has 3 eyes and they call her Eyeeyeeye
Yo momma's has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses
Yo momma's has a fro with landing lights
Yo momma's has a glass eye with a fish in it
Yo momma's has a major weight problem she can't wait to eat
Yo momma's has a moustache and they call her Bob
Yo momma's has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns
Yo momma's has a short arm and can't applaude
Yo momma's has a short leg and walks in circles
Yo momma's has a wooden afro with an X carved in the back
Yo momma's has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo momma's has green hair and thinks she's a tree
Yo momma's has no arms and bought a vest
Yo momma's has one arm and swims in circles
Yo momma's has one arm and when she fights the announcer says She throws a right a right and another right
Yo momma's has one hand and a Clapper
Yo momma's has one leg and a bicycle
Yo momma's has one leg and swims in circles
Yo momma's has one tooth and they call her Chopper One
Yo momma's has one tooth and they call her DrillBit
Yo momma's has one tooth in the front and one tooth in the back talkin bout let me get a bite
Yo momma's has so many vericose veins her body could double as a road map
Yo momma's has so much hair on her upper lip she braids it
Yo momma's has so much wax in her ears I stuck a QTip in and pulled out a Sugar Daddy
Yo momma's head so big it shows up on radar
Yo momma's head so big she don't have dreams she have movies
Yo momma's head so big she has to step into her shirts
Yo momma's head so fat she has to wash her hair at Niagara falls
Yo momma's head so little could wear fruit loops as head rags
Yo momma's head so nappy when she combs her hair her teeth bleed
Yo momma's head so small she use a teabag as a pillow
Yo momma's head so small that she got her ear pierced and died
Yo momma's hips are so big people set their drinks on them
Yo momma's house so damned cold the roaches ice skate around the kitchen
Yo momma's house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies
Yo momma's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside
Yo momma's house so small her washcloth makes wall to wall carpeting
Yo momma's house so small she can't even order a large pizza
Yo momma's house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window
Yo momma's house so small the doormat just says WEL
Yo momma's house so small you have to go outside to change your mind
I don't mean to be mean but yo momma needs listerine not a sip not a swallow but the whole damn bottle
I get up faster then yo momma's falls
I got notin bad to say about yo momma, heck her face says it all
I got on the train last night they had a new sign up reading Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo momma
I heard that yo momma is on the warpath, she lost a finger and now can't count past 9
I heard yo house was made out of toilet paper why? cuz your whole family is full of crap
I saw yo momma kicking a can down the street I asked her what she was doing and she said moving
I was speaking to your parents they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot
I was walking down the street with yo momma and they started shooting they said hit the dirt and everyone jumped on back
If my dog had a face as ugly as yo momma's I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards
Yo momma's in a wheelchair and says You ain't gonna push me round no more
Yo momma's is not really so bad I hear she would give you the hair off her back
Yo momma's is twice the man you are
Yo momma's is ugly she is ugly as sin
Yo momma's legs are so hairy if she had fur coat and a banana they'd stick her in a zoo.
Yo momma's legs are so short she can swing them from a curve
Yo momma's like 7up never had it never will
Yo momma's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
Yo momma's like spoiled milk fat and chunky
Yo momma's lips are so big when you smile you wet your hair
Yo momma's lips so big Chap Stick had to invent a spray
Yo momma's may be old but she still parties like its 1899
Yo momma's mouth so big it takes her an hour to put on her lipstick
Yo momma's mouth so big she speaks in surround sound
Yo momma's neck so damn wrinkled I use it as a cheese grater
Yo momma's nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat
Yo momma's nose so big the last time I saw one like it it was attached to an elephant
Yo momma's nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers
Yo momma's only got one finger and runs around stealing key rings
Yo momma's sets off car alarms when she runs
Yo momma's smells so bad she went to Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border
Yo momma's smells so bad when she went to make friends with a skunk the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose
Yo momma's so backwards she sits on the TV and watches the couch
Yo momma's so bad I think its a new world record
Yo momma's so bad when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty
Yo momma's so bald even a wig wouldnt help
Yo momma's so bald Mr Clean got jealous
Yo momma's so bald she curls her hair with rice
Yo momma's so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed
Yo momma's so bald that when she put on a sweater folk thought she was a roll on deoderant
Yo momma's so bald you can see whats on her mind
Yo momma's so boring she makes debugging Prolog seem fun
Yo momma's so cheap instead of buying a fire alarm she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling
Yo momma's so crazy she makes pi look rational
Yo momma's so damn strange that she invented a waterproof teabag
Yo momma's so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo
Yo momma's so dirty a family of mice inhabit her belly button
Yo momma's so dirty her Sure deodorant is now Confused
Yo momma's so dirty she actually repels mosquitoes
Yo momma's so dirty she gives me ring around the collar
Yo momma's so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater
Yo momma's so dirty she leaves a ring around the public swimming pool
Yo momma's so dirty she lost 2 pounds after taking a shower
Yo momma's so dirty she made right guard turn left
Yo momma's so dirty she makes mud look clean
Yo momma's so dirty she slowed down speed stick
Yo momma's so dirty skunks give her house a wide berth
Yo momma's so dirty that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered
Yo momma's so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons
Yo momma's so dirty that standin next to a tramp she make the tramp look like a butler
Yo momma's so dirty they filmed Gorillas in the mist in her shower
Yo momma's so dirty when her drill sergant said hit the dirt everyone started hitting her.
Yo momma's so dirty you can tell her age by the rings underneath her armpits
Yo momma's so evil she makes the devil look like a good guy
Yo momma's so fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton
Yo momma's so fat when she walks her butt claps
Yo momma's so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby
Yo momma's so big her belly buttons got an echo
Yo momma's so big it takes her 2 hours just to haul ass
Yo momma's so big she can't wear an X jacket cause choppers keep landing on her back
Yo momma's so big she plays marbles with planets
Yo momma's so big she rollerskates on busses
Yo momma's so big she thought Barnum and Bailey were clothing designers
Yo momma's so big she uses a jungle gym for a walker
Yo momma's so big she uses big bird as a rubber ducky
Yo momma's so big she uses bowling balls for earrings
Yo momma's so big she uses I95 for a Slip n Slide
Yo momma's so big she uses the interstate for a Slip n Slide
Yo momma's so big she wears two watches one for each time zone
Yo momma's so big she whistles bass
Yo momma's so big that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view
Yo momma's so big that she climbed Mt Fuji with one step
Yo momma's so big that they had to change One size fits all to One size fits most
Yo momma's so big they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling
Yo momma's so big when she bent down to tie her shoes her face got burnt from reentry
Yo momma's so big when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide
Yo momma's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody
Yo momma's so big when she stands up the sun goes out
Yo momma's so big when she took a trip to China the chinese people screamed "GODZILLA!!"
Yo momma's so big when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway
Yo momma's so big when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white
Yo momma's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck
Yo momma's so fat when I watch tv and she walks in front of it I miss 3 episodes of my show
Yo momma's so fat her legs are like spoiled milk: white and chunky
Yo momma's so fat when you went to the beach a blue whale wanted her children
Yo momma's so fat a picture of her fell off the wall
Yo momma's so fat after she got off the carousel the horse limped for a week
Yo momma's so fat all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor
Yo momma's so fat and dumb she used saturn's ring as a hula hoop
Yo momma's so fat and her back so crooked when she lays down people say I didn't know we had mountains
Yo momma's so fat and old that when God said let there be ight he told her to move her fat ass out of the way
Yo momma's so fat and short and yo daddy so tall and skinny they stand next to each other and make the number 10
Yo momma's so fat and stupid her waist size is larger than her IQ
Yo momma's so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates
Yo momma's so fat and you're so poor when she comes in your house the tires pop
Yo momma's so fat as a kid she couldn't play Hidenseek just seek
Yo momma's so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts
Yo momma's so fat by the time she sets her clock its an hour off
Yo momma's so fat that Goodyear come to her to restock on tires
Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
Yo momma's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even her shadow has stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even Richard Simmons laughs at her
Yo momma's so fat every time she turn around its her next birthday
Yo momma's so fat every time she wears high heels she strikes oil
Yo momma's so fat Fat Albert gave her the rights to say Hey hey hey
Yo momma's so fat folk exercise by jogging around her
Yo momma's so fat God created her and on the seventh day he rested
Yo momma's so fat her ass has its own congressman
Yo momma's so fat her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
Yo momma's so fat her belly button doesnt have lint it has sweaters
Yo momma's so fat her belly button has got an echo
Yo momma's so fat her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine
Yo momma's so fat her belt size is the equator
Yo momma's so fat her big toe got stuck in the catflap
Yo momma's so fat her blood type is ragu
Yo momma's so fat her blood type is rockyroad
Yo momma's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes
Yo momma's so fat her car is made out of spandex
Yo momma's so fat her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
Yo momma's so fat her doctor is a grounds keeper
Yo momma's so fat her drivers license says Picture continued on other side
Yo momma's so fat her favorite food is seconds
Yo momma's so fat her favorite blouse is a tent
Yo momma's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs
Yo momma's so fat her nickname is Damn
Yo momma's so fat her parents had to take her to sea world to get baptized
Yo momma's so fat her picture takes two frames
Yo momma's so fat her shadow weighs 50 pounds
Yo momma's so fat her skates went flat
Yo momma's so fat her stomach got a cell phone to call her mouth when its time to eat
Yo momma's so fat her tailor takes her measurements in light years
Yo momma's so fat her toes bleed when she walks
Yo momma's so fat her yearbook picture is an aerial photograph
Yo momma's so fat I can't see around her
Yo momma's so fat I gain weight just by watching her eat
Yo momma's so fat I gotta take 3 steps back just to see all of her
Yo momma's so fat I had to take 2 planes 3 buses and 5 cabs just to get on her good side
Yo momma's so fat I ran around her twice and got lost
Yo momma's so fat I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4 5 6 7 and 8
Yo momma's so fat I saw her in New York and when I told my friend in LA he'd seen her too
Yo momma's So fat I shot her and Crisco came out
Yo momma's so fat I swerved to miss her but ran out of gas
Yo momma's so fat I think its a new world record
Yo momma's So fat if she got her shoes shined she would have to take the guys word for it
Yo momma's so fat if she weighed five more pounds she could get group insurance
Yo momma's so fat if she were an airplane she'd be a jumbo jet
Yo momma's so fat instead of Levis 501 jeans she wears Levis 1002s
Yo momma's so fat instead of wide leg jeans she wears wide load
Yo momma's so fat it takes a forklift to help her stand up
Yo momma's so fat it takes a year to download her picture
Yo momma's so fat I've known her all my life and I still havent seen ALL of her
Yo momma's so fat when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo people walked by and said Look at the elephant
Yo momma's so fat McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats
Yo momma's so fat my dog bit her and died of high cholesterol
Yo momma's so fat NASA has a satellite orbiting around her
Yo momma's so fat NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer
Yo momma's so fat no one can talk behind her back
Yo momma's so fat on a scale of 1 to 10 she's a 747
Yo momma's so fat on each of her butt cheeks she has Place Your Ad Here printed
Yo momma's so fat on Halloween she says trick or meatloaf
Yo momma's so fat on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time
Yo momma's so fat one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling Hey the School Bus is here
Yo momma's so fat people use her dandruff as quilts
Yo momma's so fat she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
Yo momma's so fat she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet, she's all like Whatever yo eating I'll try it
Yo momma's so fat she broke a branch off of the family tree
Yo momma's so fat she broke her leg and gravy dripped out
Yo momma's so fat she bungee jumped and fell straight to Hell
Yo momma's so fat she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change
Yo momma's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion
Yo momma's so fat she has to have you tie her shoes for her
Yo momma's so fat she can't reach her back pocket
Yo momma's so fat she can't wear Daisy Dukes She has to wear Boss Hoggs
Yo momma's so fat she could be the eighth continent
Yo momma's so fat she could sell shade
Yo momma's so fat she deep fries her toothpaste
Yo momma's so fat she did a back flip and landed on the moon
Yo momma's so fat she DJs for the ice cream truck
Yo momma's so fat she doesnt have love handles she has a roll bar
Yo momma's so fat she don't eat Wheat Thins she eats Wheat Thicks
Yo momma's so fat she don't know whether she's walking or rolling
Yo momma's so fat she don't wear a GString she wears an A B C D E F G String
Yo momma's so fat she eats biscuits like tic tacs
Yo momma's so fat she eats cereal out of a satellite dish
Yo momma's so fat she eats desert out of a Trash Can lid
Yo momma's so fat she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles
Yo momma's so fat she entered a fat contest and won first second and third
Yo momma's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon
Yo momma's so fat she fell in love and broke it
Yo momma's so fat she fell off a boat and the captain yelled Land Ho
Yo momma's so fat she fills up the bath tub and then she turns on the water
Yo momma's so fat she freebases ham
Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat jumbo and ohmygoditscomingtowardsus
Yo momma's so fat she gets runs in her jeans
Yo momma's so fat she gets stuck in her dreams
Yo momma's so fat she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tictacs
Yo momma's so fat she goes to a restaurant looks at the menu and says Okay
Yo momma's so fat she got a gravitational pull
Yo momma's so fat she got a new job at the Cinema, she works as the screen
Yo momma's so fat she got a speed pass for Dairy Queen
Yo momma's so fat she got her baby pictures taken by satellite
Yo momma's so fat she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock?
Yo momma's so fat she got tired climbing the escalater
Yo momma's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon
Yo momma's so fat she had to be baptized in the Atlantic Ocean
Yo momma's so fat she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan
Yo momma's so fat she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole
Yo momma's so fat she has a parttime job as a trampoline
Yo momma's so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand
Yo momma's so fat she has all the caterers on speed dial
Yo momma's so fat she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas English Muffin
Yo momma's so fat she has smaller fat women orbiting her
Yo momma's so fat she has TB: Two bellies
Yo momma's so fat she has to get out of the car to change gears
Yo momma's so fat she has to get out of the car to change the radio station
Yo momma's so fat she has to go outside to put on deodorant
Yo momma's so fat she has to go outside to sit around the house
Yo momma's so fat she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets
Yo momma's so fat she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other
Yo momma's so fat she has to put a bookmarker in her rolls to find her belly button
Yo momma's so fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang
Yo momma's so fat she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master
Yo momma's so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper
Yo momma's so fat she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks
Yo momma's so fat she has to wear a long sleeved turtleneck bra
Yo momma's so fat she has to wear a three piece bathing suit
Yo momma's so fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up
Yo momma's so fat she jumped for joy and got stuck
Yo momma's so fat she jumped in a pool and cause a tidal wave
Yo momma's so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma's so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo momma's so fat she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub
Yo momma's so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops
Yo momma's so fat she lost a game at Hide&Seek only because I spotted her behind Mount Everest
Yo momma's so fat she made Richard Simmons cry
Yo momma's so fat she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic
Yo momma's so fat she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic
Yo momma's so fat she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck
Yo momma's so fat she makes Free Willy look like a TicTac
Yo momma's so fat she measures 36 24 36 and the other arm is just as big
Yo momma's so fat she nearly put Safeway out of business
Yo momma's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up
Yo momma's so fat she needs a map to find her butt
Yo momma's so fat she once told me she could eat a horse, and she wasn't kidding
Yo momma's so fat she once went on a seafood diet, whenever she saw food she ate it
Yo momma's so fat she plays frisbee with ufos
Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA Detroit Chicago New York
Yo momma's so fat she pulls up a chair to an all-you-can-eat buffet
Yo momma's so fat she put on a red outfit and people mistaked her for the KoolAid man
Yo momma's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller
Yo momma's so fat she put on some BVDs and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard
Yo momma's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin
Yo momma's so fat she ran outside in a yellow dress all the kids started running after her cause they thought they missed the bus
Yo momma's so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar
Yo momma's so fat she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a dollar and made change
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washingtons nose
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a rowing machine and it sank
Yo momma's so fat she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic
Yo momma's so fat she sat on the Bible and Jesus popped out
Yo momma's so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said "Stop That Twinkie!"
Yo momma's so fat she shaves her legs with a lawn mower
Yo momma's so fat she shops for clothes in the local tent shop
Yo momma's so fat she smells like bacon at 90 degrees
Yo momma's so fat she started singing we are family McDonalds Burger King and me
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it said Please step out of the car
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her Sorry we don't do livestock
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
Yo momma's so fat she steps on a scale and it said one at a time please
Yo momma's so fat she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks
Yo momma's so fat she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H D
Yo momma's so fat she sweats Crisco
Yo momma's so fat she takes baths in swimming pools
Yo momma's so fat she takes posters not pictures
Yo momma's so fat she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand
Yo momma's so fat she thinks Church's Chickens a holy place
Yo momma's so fat she thought gravy was a beverage
Yo momma's so fat she tried to get an all over tan and the sun burned out
Yo momma's so fat she tripped on WalMart fell over Kmart and landed right on Target
Yo momma's so fat she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn
Yo momma's so fat she uses a laptop as a cell phone
Yo momma's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm
Yo momma's so fat she uses a blanket as a washcloth
Yo momma's so fat she uses C++++
Yo momma's so fat she uses navy ships as jet skis
Yo momma's so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo momma's so fat she uses sleeping bags for leg warmers
Yo momma's so fat she uses the carpet as a blanket
Yo momma's so fat she wakes up in sections
Yo momma's so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma's so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
Yo momma's so fat she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 17 years to live
Yo momma's so fat she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World
Yo momma's so fat she was in the New York Times last week on page 5 6 7 8 and 9
Yo momma's so fat she was zoned for commercial development
Yo momma's so fat she wears a hula hoop for a belly button ring
Yo momma's so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper
Yo momma's so fat she wears a real horse on her Polo shirt
Yo momma's so fat she wears a sign that says Caution Wide Turn
Yo momma's so fat she wears an asteroid belt
Yo momma's so fat she went on a light diet, and as soon as its light she starts eating
Yo momma's so fat she went to Jenny Craigs and they said we asked for your weight not your phone number
Yo momma's so fat she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy
Yo momma's so fat she went to Sizzler and got a group discount
Yo momma's so fat she's got her own zip code
Yo momma's so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
Yo momma's so fat she's moving the Earth out of its orbit
Yo momma's so fat she's on both side of the family
Yo momma's so fat she's once twice three times a lady
Yo momma's so fat she's taller lying down
Yo momma's so fat someone tries to take a picture of her with a digital camera and it read Not Enough Space
Yo momma's so fat stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
Yo momma's so fat that she needs a solar panel to see her reflection
Yo momma's so fat that she went to the beach, dove, and the Asians said tsunami
Yo momma's so fat that she would have been in ET but when she rode the bike across the moon she caused an eclipse
Yo momma's so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
Yo momma's so fat that when she put on a white jacket everybody yells look its the Michelin Man
Yo momma's so fat that when she walks across the living room the radio skips
Yo momma's so fat that when she was born she gave the hospital stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat that when she went on a scale it reads To Infinity and Beyond
Yo momma's so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped
Yo momma's so fat that when u were born they had to send out a search party to find you
Yo momma's so fat the animals at the zoo feed her
Yo momma's so fat the body snatchers called home for backup
Yo momma's so fat the circus use her as a trampoline
Yo momma's so fat the earth orbits around her instead of the sun
Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution Wide Turn
Yo momma's so fat the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale
Yo momma's so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
Yo momma's so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo momma's so fat the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms
Yo momma's so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door
Yo momma's so fat the only thing thats attracted to her is gravity
Yo momma's so fat they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through
Yo momma's so fat they had to install speed bumps at the all-you-can-eat buffet
Yo momma's so fat they have to run a relay race to get her belt through her belt loops
Yo momma's so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it
Yo momma's so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma's so fat to her light food means under 4 Tons
Yo momma's so fat she's in shape, round
Yo momma's so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet
Yo momma's so fat when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up
Yo momma's so fat when brought her dress to the cleaners the people said sorry we don't do curtains
Yo momma's so fat when I yell KoolAid she comes crashing through the wall
Yo momma's so fat when it says all-you-can-eat it still ain't enough
Yo momma's so fat when she auditioned for a part in Indiana Jones she got the part as the big rolling ball
Yo momma's so fat when she bends over we enter Daylight Saving Time
Yo momma's so fat when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma's so fat when she comes down the stairs she measures on the Richter scale
Yo momma's so fat when she crosses the street cars look out for her
Yo momma's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips
Yo momma's so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit
Yo momma's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesnt get a menu she gets an estimate
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she even orders Thank You Come Again
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to an amusement park people try to ride HER
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to an office they tell her to pull up a sofa
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks Where can I try that on?
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings
Yo momma's so fat when she goes to the drycleaners and hands in her underwear they say sorry no parachutes accepted
Yo momma's so fat when she jumps into the pool the other swimmers can go surfing
Yo momma's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun
Yo momma's so fat when she opens the Fridge it says I give up
Yo momma's so fat when she ordered a My Size Meal at McDonalds they gave her the key to the store
Yo momma's so fat when she ordered a waterbed they put a blanket over the ocean
Yo momma's so fat when she played hide-and-go-seek she hid behind a water tower
Yo momma's so fat when she ran away they had to put her picture on the milk truck
Yo momma's so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon it looks like she's wearin tights
Yo momma's so fat when she sat on a TV it turned into a flat screen
Yo momma's so fat when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house
Yo momma's so fat when she sits in a chair the rolls on her legs cover her feet like a blanket
Yo momma's so fat when she sits in the classroom she sits next to everyone
Yo momma's so fat when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet
Yo momma's so fat when she tiptoes everyone yells Stampede
Yo momma's so fat when she tries to get outta bed she rocks herself back to sleep
Yo momma's so fat when she turns around people give her a welcome back party
Yo momma's so fat when she was born she didn't get a birth certificate she got blue prints
Yo momma's so fat when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelled something burning
Yo momma's so fat when she wears a Malcomn X Tshirt helicopters try to land on her back
Yo momma's so fat when she wears a purple sweater people call her Barney
Yo momma's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people run after her and call Taxi
Yo momma's so fat when she went to the Rose Parade everyone thought she was a float
Yo momma's so fat when she wore a shirt with an AA on it people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet
Yo momma's so fat when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted she said the one on the roof
Yo momma's so fat when the police showed her a picture of her feet she couldn't identify them
Yo momma's so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in
Yo momma's so fat you could slap her butt and ride the waves
Yo momma's so fat you can use her ass as a slippery slide
Yo momma's so fat your family portrait has stretchmarks
Yo momma's so fat shes got stretch marks on her teeth
Yo momma's so fat that she was asked to star as the whale in the movie Moby Dick
Yo momma's so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper
Yo momma's so flat she's jealous of the wall
Yo momma's so dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone she'd tell her momma to put Mick Jagger on child support
Yo momma's so nasty I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus
Yo momma's so cheap she washes paper plates
Yo momma's so ugly when she was born the doctor said put her back she ain't done yet
Yo momma's so greasy her freckles slipped off
Yo momma's so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon sausage and egg fry up
Yo momma's so greasy McDonalds uses her sweat as Deep Fry
Yo momma's so greasy she sweats butter syrup, excretes jam, and has a full time job at the Pancake Palace wiping pancakes across her forheed
Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys oil from her
Yo momma's so greasy when she slid into second she ended in detroit
Yo momma's so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture
Yo momma's so hairy Jane Goodall follows her around
Yo momma's so hairy looks like a chia pet with a sweater on
Yo momma's So hairy she got a trim and lost 10 pounds
Yo momma's so hairy she got in my car and it looked like I had tinted windows
Yo momma's So hairy she shaves with a weedwacker
Yo momma's So lazy she doesnt walk in her sleep she hitch hikes
Yo momma's so lazy she thinks a two income family is where yo daddy has two jobs
Yo momma's so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote
Yo momma's so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon
Yo momma's so nasty a skunk smelled her ass and passed out
Yo momma's so nasty I called her to say hello and she ended up giving me an ear infection
Yo momma's so nasty I need to go wash my eyes
Yo momma's so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
Yo momma's so nasty she bit the dog and gave it rabies
Yo momma's so nasty she went swimming and made the Dead Sea
Yo momma's so nasty when I went to your house said whats for dinner put her foot up on the table and said Corn
Yo momma's so short she can do backflips under her bed
Yo momma's so short she can play handball on the curb
Yo momma's so short she did a sucide jump off the curve
Yo momma's so short she gotta slamdunk her bus fare
Yo momma's so short she has to cuff her underwear
Yo momma's so short she has to jump to touch the ground
Yo momma's so short she has to reach up to tie her shoe
Yo momma's so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime
Yo momma's so short she models for trophies
Yo momma's so short that she has to hold up a sign that says don't spit I can't swim
Yo momma's so short you can see her feet on her drivers license
Yo momma's so skinny if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Yo momma's so skinny instead of calling her your parent you call her transparent
Yo momma's so skinny she can dodge rain drops
Yo momma's so skinny she can see out the peephole with both eyes
Yo momma's so skinny she gotta run around in the shower to get wet
Yo momma's so skinny she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow
Yo momma's so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex
Yo momma's so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
Yo momma's so skinny she uses Chapstick for deodorant
Yo momma's so skinny you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio
Yo momma's so skinny you could blindfold her with dental floss
Yo momma's so slow I could beat her in a race even if I was asleep
Yo momma's so slow I run laps around her
Yo momma's so slow I walk faster then she runs
Yo momma's so slow it takes her 2 days just to wake up from the day before
Yo momma's so slow it takes her 2 days to take a bath
Yo momma's so slow she can't catch a turtle
Yo momma's so slow she can't even catch her own breath
Yo momma's so slow she forgets what she is thinking before she even think of it
Yo momma's so slow she has been leaving for 2 hours
Yo momma's so slow she has not even signed up for the race yet and its already over
Yo momma's so slow she hasn't even started
Yo momma's so slow she is still at home
Yo momma's so slow she is still back in 1999
Yo momma's so slow she is still being born
Yo momma's so slow she is still finishing yesterdays race
Yo momma's so slow she is still on the first word of this insult
Yo momma's so slow she makes a turtle look fast
Yo momma's so slow she makes the DMV seem fast
Yo momma's so slow she needs the car just to go check the mail box
Yo momma's so smelly even sewer rats get outta her way
Yo momma's so smelly her poo is glad to escape
Yo momma's so smelly she made Right Guard call for backup
Yo momma's so smelly she was playing in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her
Yo momma's so smelly so the government make her wear a Biohazard warning
Yo momma's so smelly that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer
Yo momma's so smelly that standing next to a skunk the skunk smells sweet
Yo momma's so smelly that the gasmask became a fashion statement
Yo momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent
Yo momma's so smelly that when you was being born the doctors and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks
Yo momma's so stank she made Right Guard go left Speed Stick slow down and Ban come off strike
Yo momma's so stank she made Right Guard go left Speed Stick slow down and Secret told it all
Yo momma's so stinky she gets sourdough yeast infections
Yo momma's so stinky dogs like to roll around on her
Yo momma's so stinky the coroner picked her up while she was sleeping
Yo momma's so stinky they had to invent Chanel No 6
Yo momma's so tall she did a pushup and burned her back on the sun
Yo momma's so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida
Yo momma's so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon
Yo momma's so ugly looks like she was hit by the whole ugly tree
Yo momma's so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about her
Yo momma's so ugly even the elephant man paid to see her
Yo momma's so ugly even the tide wont take her out
Yo momma's so ugly for Christmas they hang her and kiss the mistletoe
Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma's so ugly had to get her baby drunk just so she could breast feed
Yo momma's so ugly her Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye
Yo momma's so ugly her dentist treats her by mail order
Yo momma's so ugly her face can stop a sun dial
Yo momma's so ugly her face is like a peice of modern art, you can't tell what it is
Yo momma's so ugly her momma had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her
Yo momma's so ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel
Yo momma's so ugly her pillow cries at night
Yo momma's so ugly her reflection in the mirror ducks
Yo momma's so ugly her shadow gave up
Yo momma's so ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats
Yo momma's so ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo
Yo momma's so ugly I said her name at the dinner table and my mom said shhh not when we are eating
Yo momma's so ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application
Yo momma's so ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a pay check
Yo momma's so ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back
Yo momma's so ugly if she were a scarecrow the corn would run away
Yo momma's so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects
Yo momma's so ugly if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it
Yo momma's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle they put it around her neck
Yo momma's so ugly it looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
Yo momma's so ugly it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym
Yo momma's so ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries
Yo momma's so ugly just after she was born her momma said What a treasure and her father said Yes lets go bury it
Yo momma's so ugly kids dress up as her for Halloween
Yo momma's so ugly Medusa is jealous
Yo momma's so ugly my dog took one look at her and ran away
Yo momma's so ugly people at the circus pay money not to see her
Yo momma's so ugly people hang her picture in their basements to scare the rats away
Yo momma's so ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen
Yo momma's so ugly she can look up a camels butt and scare the hump off of it
Yo momma's so ugly she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step
Yo momma's so ugly she could scare Cujo off a meat truck
Yo momma's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper
Yo momma's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock
Yo momma's so ugly Rice Krispies wont talk to her
Yo momma's so ugly roaches go Hi mom
Yo momma's so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick but with THE ugly log
Yo momma's so ugly she didn't get hit with the ugly stick she ran through the whole damn forest
Yo momma's so ugly she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares
Yo momma's so ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween
Yo momma's so ugly she gets 7 years bad luck when ever trying to look at herself in the mirror
Yo momma's so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop
Yo momma's so ugly she has a sign in her yard that says Beware of Dog
Yo momma's so ugly she has to creep up on her makeup
Yo momma's so ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure
Yo momma's so ugly she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning
Yo momma's so ugly she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork
Yo momma's so ugly she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks
Yo momma's so ugly she made a blind man cry
Yo momma's so ugly she made an onion cry
Yo momma's so ugly she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
Yo momma's so ugly she put the Boogie man outta business
Yo momma's so ugly she scared the stitches off Frankenstein
Yo momma's so ugly she threw a boomerang and it wouldnt even come back
Yo momma's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out
Yo momma's so ugly she was on Ripleys Believe it or Not
Yo momma's so ugly she works as a double for Saddam Hussein
Yo momma's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road
Yo momma's so ugly she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness
Yo momma's so ugly she's never seen herself cause the mirrors keep breaking
Yo momma's so ugly that if ugly were an Olympic event she would be the dream team
Yo momma's so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd be building a highrise
Yo momma's so ugly that she went to an ugly contest and they said sorry no professionals
Yo momma's so ugly that when I put my butt out the window and she put her face out the window people thought we were twins
Yo momma's so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face
Yo momma's so ugly that when she went out the zoo the zookeeper said Get back to your cage
Yo momma's so ugly the doctor is still smacking her ass
Yo momma's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday
Yo momma's so ugly the last time I saw something that looked like her I pinned a tail on it
Yo momma's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train
Yo momma's so ugly the mailman mistaked her as the dog
Yo momma's so ugly the NHL banned her for life
Yo momma's so ugly the ProLifers would make an exception in her case
Yo momma's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down
Yo momma's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars
Yo momma's so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower
Yo momma's so ugly they gave her a middle name: accident
Yo momma's so ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock
Yo momma's so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies
Yo momma's so ugly they put her face on a milk carton and it spoiled
Yo momma's so ugly they put her face on a poster for abstinence
Yo momma's so ugly they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks
Yo momma's so ugly you have to put her in the kennel when we go on vacation
Yo momma's so ugly when born the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows
Yo momma's so ugly when I last saw a mouth like hers it had a hook in it
Yo momma's so ugly when she gets up the sun goes down
Yo momma's so ugly when she moved into the projects all her neighbors chipped in for curtains
Yo momma's so ugly when she passes by a bathoom the toilet flushes
Yo momma's so ugly when she takes her bra off she looks like she has four big toes
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks down the street in September people say Wow is it Halloween already?
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in the kitchen the rats jump on the table and start screaming
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the surveillance cameras
Yo momma's so ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face
Yo momma's so ugly when she was born the doctor looked at her ass then her face and said Twins
Yo momma's so ugly when she was born the doctor smacked the wrong end
Yo momma's so ugly when she went camping the park ranger was like Hey Yogi
Yo momma's so ugly when she went to the store and someone said no dogs please
Yo momma's so ugly when the terminator said Ill be back he left running
Yo momma's so ugly when the when she was born the doctors spanked her parents
Yo momma's so ugly Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time
Yo momma's so ugly when she went to Iraq they said We surrender
Yo momma's so cheap when she saw a penny on the floor she said son we won the lottery
Yo momma's so wrinkled she has to screw her hat on
Yo momma's talks so much her mouth is like a convenience store, open 24 hours a day
Yo momma's teeth are so big she bit down on a piece of gum and cut her own toenails
Yo momma's teeth are so black she spits ink
Yo momma's teeth are so rotten it looks like her tongue is in jail
Yo momma's teeth are so rotten when she smiles they look like dice
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow cars slow down when she smiles
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road
Yo momma's teeth so yellow she could get a job a the movie theater spittin on popcorn

So, I'm not in the home stretch juuuust yet, but I'm getting there!!

Someone...please... remind me to never get pregnant again! lol
It's been a long and painful 8 months so far... and I am DYING to get it over with!

I want my body back! I want to be able to sleep on my stomach, I want to stop peeing every 30 minutes, I want to sleep through the night, I want to start working out, and most importantly, I want to see how GORGEOUS this baby girl is gonna be!

Right now the baby weighs about 4.75 pounds and is 17.75 inches long.
And believe me, I can feel allll 17inches moving around my darn belly all day and all night long! I think she's going to be a ballerina, cuz she loves to dance already! lol

Here's some other info:
Week Thirty-Four

Yeah, they're right about her head pressing against my cervix!
The doctor says her head is down and she's ready to go! lol

I can't even bend over to pick something up anymore...at least not without having to bow my legs out... lol

I'm not feeling sick at all... now I'm just more tired and more sore. And oh-so CRANKY and bitchy these days!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news...
The baby shower was great!

"Thank You" to everyone that stopped by to show us some love! We appreciate it! And we loooove all the baby stuff! OMG! Soooo many cute things! This is gonna be one well-dressed infant! lol

And a big thank you to my girl Nahid, who helped put the whole thing together... I'd be so boring without you.... ;-)

Chanel's Note:
First of all, if you plan to respond to this and flame me...
You will be wasting your time. Even though I didn't write the BULLETIN below in bold myself, I still agree with it... and it's my opinion. Feel free to leave me your opinion... but I'm not into flames.... (Also, if I've mispelled anything, forgive me.... I've taken my Tylenol PM and I'm drowsy...)
One more note: Everything in ITALICS is my own. The bulletin in BOLD was written by someone else!

I've been mulling over this whole illegal alien thing in my head for weeks now... Trying to figure out what to say about it if anything at all. My father is Mexican, my mother is Black. I'm mixed race, but I'm an American...born and raised.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I don't lean to either side of my racial fence. I don't claim one over the other.
I don't get offended at racist jokes because I'm usually the one making them. ;-)
(However...that doesn't mean I'll let someone get away with calling me a nigger or a wetback...)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ I don't appreciate the fact that I won't get paid as well as someone who is bilingual, even if I'm better for the job...

~ I don't like the fact that I have to fill out forms that have instructions and headings in English AND Spanish.

~ I don't like the fact that it took me 4 fucking months to get Medi-Cal when I needed it (because I was pregnant and unemployed), when people who aren't even legal citizens can get approved immediately, along with their 5 or 6 kids.
And that includes Asian immigrants as well! Especially the ones that own Nail Salons, Restaurants, Massage Parlors and Whorehouses...yet still manage to collect welfare.

~ I read a bulletin about how Mexican's "take care of stupid American children"... I was completely offended. First of all. I don't care who you are... if your ass doesn't speak ENGLISH you won't be taking care of my children. Period. Doesn't matter where you come from or what color your skin is.

~ The bulletin also mentioned that if Mexican's didn't do the job American's didn't want, the jobs wouldn't get done. Well, that's just dumb. Of course the jobs would get done. Poor undeducated American's would do them... of course, they'd probably get paid more though.

~ I have a problem with people going over to China and Africa and Cambodia, and adopting foreign babies! Um, hello. There are 200,000 American children every year in need of adoption! Pick a color, any color! But I prefer Red, White & Blue.

~ My mother tells me I'm a snob because I chose my son's school based on 2 things... First, academic progress and achievement...and second, a high percentage of WHITE students in the school. What is so wrong with that? What is so wrong with wanting my son (who is HALF white and LOOKS white) to go to a school with less minorities? I think it's a perfectly logical decision. I went to a school full of Mexicans & Blacks. I hated it. I don't intend to put my son through the same racial bullshit.

~ I tend to roll my eyes when I read stuff on "Black Power" and "Black Pride"... what is there to be proud of?
Black people (and this is a generalization) complain about EVERYTHING! "The man is holding me back..." No, I don't think it's the man. I think it's YOU holding yourself back. Pull your fucking pants up from around your KNEES, speak proper English, stop robbing liquor stores, keep your ass in school and stop sticking your dick in anything that breathes! Then maybe you'll get a leg up. It has nothing to do with your skin color. There are plenty of successful black people in this country...they've gotten by on their intelligence, ambition, and drive.

~ (Another generalization, don't take it personally...) Black women embarrass me... especially those on T.V.
Racist white people call it Angry Black Woman Syndrome for a reason...
Have you ever watched a talk show, or better yet, did you watch Flavor of Love on VH1. The ignorance is staggering. The lack of class in yourself as a female is insulting! Stop rolling your neck, stop letting men call you a bitch or a hoe, stop having babies with several men, stop trying to beat up everyone who looks at you funny... GROW UP! No woman on earth should act like that...

~ I've always said this... Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason! They originate from some sort of TRUTH! Whoever made the original stereotype, had to had observed some sort of behaviour that led them to think the way they do in the first place.
Don't get so offended when someone stereotypes or makes a generalization. And don't act like you've never made one yourself! Everyone is racist in their own way, whether they choose to admit it or not. Think about it.

~ Don't think I'm going to let white people get away clean...
I have plenty to say about white people. First of all... Why is it that you very very rarely see any minorities on the MTV show Jackass? hmmm? My thought is that only white boys are stupid and bored enough to do crazy shit like that! It's completely ridiculous! These are the same people who think they own the world...the same people that foreigners LAUGH AT and mock. Doesn't make much sense to me...

~ I recently watched the movie Crash... I was completely appalled at Sandra Bullocks character. She wanted to have the locks changed a second time because she assumed the Mexican "gangbanger" who installed the locks would come rob the house the next day.
Um... hello. How stupid.
White people tend to not give minorities a chance. They don't bother to ask questions or strike up a conversation. They don't bother to get to know someone without making a judgement call or stupid assumption.
Why get scared when you see a black man walk by on the street? Hell I get scared if I see any suspicious person walk by me on the street...male female...black white... doesn't matter. Scary is scary.

~ I find it completely ridiculous when white people try to act black. I can understand if you grew up that way... but otherwise. Shut the fuck up. And yes, there is such a thing as "acting black". It's the same thing as the stupid white girls I grew up with wearing dark lipstick trying to act like Mexican Cholas...
People get so mad when you say, "act black"... why?
Yet when someone say that you "act white", it's all of a sudden a fucking compliment... why?

~ Why do white people hate each other so much? Isn't it enough that you own the fucking country? Isn't it enough that you RUN the fucking country? Isn't it enough that you have better opportunities just because your skin is pale? Why do you hate your own people so much?
White Christians piss me off like no other! They hate non-christians. They hate homosexuals. They hate their own being other races.
Hello white people... you own the world. Isn't that enough!? Knock it off!

~ The only good thing about being Caucasian is having "good hair". Yeah I said it... what?

~ In summation... I'm an American first and foremost. And I'll be damned if I vote for anything that fucks up my American way of life and my rights and freedoms. Second...I don't believe in "the man"... I believe there are lots of white men trying to bring the black man down. There isn't a whole lot that can be done about it. You can't change everyone's mind...

Start by changing your own first...

(ps: you'll probably notice that I didn't mention middle easterners... don't worry... I'll get to them next time.)


Anyway... here is the bulletin... I DID NOT WRITE IT. But, I almost agree with all of it....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

In response to the recent issues arising about immigration, and the students in L.A. county prostesting. This may seem a bit rash and/or ignorant, and I may not entirely agree with it, but the general idea is clear.

1. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance, and have an accident.

2. Enter MEXICO illegally - never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

3. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

4. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.

5. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.

6. Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

7. Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.

8. Demand a local Mexican drivers license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico.

9. Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck!

It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world except right here in the United States... Land of those who want to take care of everyone but American Citizens!

These "students" protesting do not have the slightest clue as to what the hell is actually happening. They just want an excuse to leave school. What a disgrace this is to the very thing our country stands for. If you're going to waive a Mexican flag to support your heritage, fine. Just make sure there is an American one next to it, because its the land that gives all the immigrants, and yourselves, the freedoms you enjoy. If Mexico is SOOOOO great, why the hell leave it in the first place? Think about it: Mexico isn't giving their people what they deserve, so its citizens must leave and come to America. How do you think you got here? Hey students, here's a question: What is Mexico really doing for its (your) people (aside from making them desparate to leave)? I could care less about immigrants moving here, just as long as they do so legally, like everyone else from another country has to. By doing so, you will be helping the legal, educational, and medical systems work better for you, and those that actually belong here. Gracias.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, Please....go ahead and try all the above in Mexico (and enjoy the prison there too...).

Just a baby update!
I'm 30 weeks today! yay! Only 10 weeks to go!

The baby weighs almost 3 lbs and is about 16 inches long!
   
(these aren't MY baby's actual photos... lol Just stuff I grabbed off the web!)

I had a TON of tests done a couple weeks ago, and everything came back GOOD! hehehe  No abnormalities, no diabetes, no thyroid problems, and no blood problems. So that's cool...

I've been feeling MUCH better! The vomiting is gone, the fainting spells are gone, and I can get around pretty good! I've only gained 2 lbs in the past 3 months! YAY!! But my boobs have grown! lol

Last week I was having CONTRACTIONS!! Every 10 minutes for 3 hours straight! So I went in to the Maternity Ward so they could monitor me and the baby... eventually the contractions went away! WHEW! It's a little too early to have da baby, ya know...

I'm feeling better, but I'm soooo tired all the time... I could sleep all day if  I didn't have so much shit to do! lol
And I've been uber-CRANKY!

The baby shower is April 8th @ 3pm!! I've rented out the clubhouse since I can only fit 10 people in my house comfortably... and 20 people have already RSVPed! Sheesh!
It's not a typical Tea Party Girly Girl Baby Shower... just a gathering people... Men ARE invited! :-) We're gonna eat and get our drink on! ;-) (Well some of us... hehehe)

We're registered at Target and Babies R Us (under Chanel Vasquez and/or Don Lockwood). But we're not picky... baby stuff is baby stuff... and we could use just about EVERYTHING!

Well I guess that's all for now... :-)

~Chanel

So here I am...
Waiting for American Idol to come on..
And what do I see?
A preview for another news story about MySpace.com!

Dude!
I am sooo sick of hearing about MySpace in the news!

Yeah, so a few kids/minors have been abused/abducted/molested/raped/murdered or whatever else they're saying... Yes, it's a bad thing!
But dammit! It's the MOTHERFUCKING INTERNET!
BAD SHIT HAPPENS!

And it doesn't just happen on MySpace.
Remember back in the day, when AOL first became popular...
Crazy shit was happening on the net allllll the time.
And it's going to continue to happen!

Trying to shut down this website isn't going to CHANGE ANYTHING! Gimme a break!

Another thought...
Parents need to GET A GRIP!
Don't fucking complain when your slut of a daughter flaunts her shit on the internet and gets propositioned by old ass perverts!

Parents need to take control of their fucking teenagers and stop letting them post their half naked photos on the fucking internet!

It's not the rest of society's job to babysit your fucking children!
And why should the rest of us [good people] be punished because of what perverts are doing?

Even if MySpace didn't allow minors on the site, they would still sign-up! Even if there was a way to verifiy someone's age... Kids aren't that stupid! They'd find a way around it.

These little hoes don't seem to know any better...
So if a pervert comes a-knockin...
Don't place all the blame on him... take a better look at your kids!

I know what you're thinking...
You're probably thinking, "What if it was your daughter? What would you do?"

Well, if it was my daughter... First, I'd kill the guy who came a-knockin'... then I'd beat her ass for putting her ass on the internet in the first place.
But let's backtrack a bit...
My daughter would have enough SELF-RESPECT and COMMON SENSE not to put herself out there... or at the very least, not to solicit perverts on the net!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, I'm done with my rant!
FLAME ON!

~Chanel

GO IDOL!