The people I had to put up with so long got their wish. I'm having a nervous breakdown right now. I don't really know what to do. It sucks when the only connections I have to the human race where I live are my mother and my therapist. (And I guess you could count my dentist. I mean he gets in touch with me.) It hurts when you have to earn the privilege to be a human being. I mean, come on, why can't people just treat me like I exist and then start observing and judging me from there? It's ridiculous. I mean why be proud of a city that has a social structure not about sharing anything in common but "Oh okay well I'll keep you company if you have something that I don't." And I still wonder why I'm supposed to be treated shamefully for it. And it's not just the social structure that's run that way but the city itself. I was so stupid to think this would be easy. None of it has been or ever will be easy. It disgusts me how some of the most thoughtful people in this city aren't people I would socialize with if I didn't have a choice, but, for example, my siblings. How fucked up is it that a child who's not even twelve years old can be more courteous than someone who's 20 or 30?? It baffles me. And it's not just that. Now I have no recourse but to see the same people who claim "authority" as if they're burping or farting all the time or drooling or spitting food all over themselves. I mean obviously I'm talking about people who stereotypically are crooked or whatever anyway. But it's tolerable to be crooked and another thing entirely to just be thoughtless and hold a position that is too much for someone who isn't even capable of any type of post at McDonald's. And they're asking people to obey them? Hah! It just makes me feel like one of these days I'll walk in all nice and everything to a three-star restaurant or to buy some blue jeans and the people working there will say, "Oh we don't have to work here! Quit bothering us." It really sucks when you feel like a non-person. It really sucks when you are so certain of that that you don't just think but know you are unlovable. And the majority of the women here being really sexist too is proof of that. I do think that being a gold-digger is sexist to men, but that's just me. At least so much else about me has been transparent. I tried isolating myself. Now I'm either totally withdrawn or spurting out all of that pent-up energy from being inside for too long. I tried being like "Oh, well act like a chick. Get people to come to you." But that didn't work as well as I planned. For one thing that worked a long time ago under different circumstances and before the furthering isolation, emotional abuse, and neglect had caused a nervous breakdown. (Of course it did work better as a lie detector, to see who was more likely to give courtesy that was genuine, and who was more likely to do the usual thing by giving courtesy as a manipulative "I-don't-really-like-you-but-i'm-just-in-your-and-everybody-elses-company-to-compensate-for-the-life-i-dont-have" sort of thing.) For another thing almost everyone I knew got addicted to coke and that cost me a lot, including my sanity. For another, I hardly know anyone after that. And another thing is that if anyone knows someone else who knew me I have to cut them off. If anyone is so much as an acquaintance of the people I knew then the consequences are obvious: Get arrested for coke, Get nearly put in the middle of a drive-by AGAIN, or get my identity stolen. Those are the only three end-results of being anywhere near the company of the neighbors I had before. I'd hang around with people I had more in common with before but for those I lost touch with while I was babysitting coke-heads I'd rather get back in touch with them after I feel absolutely together. I can just see my anxiety being off-putting and even more distance occurring between me and them and that being that. It would be so much better to not waste my time. But for that reason I don't like to socialize for the most part- beyond healthy non-social behavior and time to myself really. I know that I'm through with extending invitations to anyone. Now my expectations are a lot more unrealistic of people because I've had to push myself so far without being capable of counting on anyone. Even the individuals who put my life in danger in a few occasions before still approach me as if i should be "buddybuddy" with them when I see them. Can't they take a hint? Why can't they just pretend I don't exist like everyone else?! It's so horrible. The loneliness is terrible. Just in case any of you have been in house-arrest or know anyone who has then you know what this is like. The only difference is this is my choice and I'm doing something like that alone just because I feel so certain that no one in this city is dependable. Fuck. This is difficult. I do remember one thing I read: When people study interrogation and it's counter-measures one technique they often use is to focus attention on a spot on the wall and visualize something pleasant or a fortuitous outcome. That spot is the most that I have. Until I get to the successful place that I know that I'm going ten years from now I have to put all of my attention on it. That spot that is my visualization of a future I get to with no one and nothing coming along for the ride. That visualization has become like my god, or spouse, or religion, or work, or child, or pet, or home. It's now my everything. Fortunately I do have some friends I went to school with who I am on good terms with coming into town. I need it. This isolation is exhausted. Now I just have to sleep at the times I feel desperate. That's the only way. I've completely burnt out. This is way too much to expect for just one man. And of course, being that San Diego is a spiritual ghetto and not a financial one- Oh and that it's a yuppie wild-west where instead of people doing a quickdraw with you you have some measly unassertive 90 lb. yuppies threaten to buy your house.... Yeah, nuff said.... I just don't feel like I should have to deal with this much pain from the events I'm dealing with now. And there's no escape from it. Every time I wake up in the morning I feel like a lot is missing. Fuck it. Oh yeah and I could up and move but after being exploited for ten years I kind of don't want the same thing to happen with heroin addicts or to unknowingly befriend people in a religious cult. Not only that- I'm not rich. And I don't want to make a stupid investment decision if I ever have to sell a house. And no at this rate and in this market I'm obviously not going to sell the house I'm living in now which I have the title to. I do feel very sad that the genuine friends I had before during and after this whole fiasco moved out of here. It's a major loss in more than one way. And of course now there aren't that many people I can talk to that I either really know that well or that are that trustworthy or likeable anyway.