YOUR STARS with Vagina Crabtree BSc

YOUR STARS with Vagina Crabtree BSc, live in Manhattan

Pisces Feb20-Mar20

Travel is in your stars this week.  As is the rapid loss of air pressure and the near-simultaneous explosion of 200 tonnes of aviation fuel.  The two be related.

Aries Mar21-Apr20

Sure, everyone needs a hobby, but cutting up hookers and wearing their faces isn't the most productive use of your time.

A good heart these days is hard to find, much to the disappointment of you and your transplant surgeon on Thursday.

Gemini May22-June21

Jagermeister is not the elixir of youth, a fact you only come to realise when you fail to regain consciousness on Monday.

Cancer June22-July22

You learn that 2,000 years later, the words of the apostle Matthew are an absolute - it truly is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than hail a cab on 5th at midnight Saturday.

Leo July23-Aug23

What do you get when you fall in love? Unfortunately you find out Tuesday that it's gonorrhea.

Virgo Aug24-Sep22

You've got the potential to be a world class asshole, but you squander it Friday by not sleeping with your best friend's daughter when it's on a plate.

Libra Sep23-Oct22

It might be excessive paranoia as you come down from the PCP on Saturday, but hasn't there been a yellow cab behind you all the way down 9th?

Scorpio Oct23-Nov21

When will you ever learn that frenetic stimulation of the genitals with sandpaper is not sexually stimulating in the least?  Tuesday.

Capricorn Dec22-Jan20

There is confusion and incertainty in the mind of a West London man today, over the costs of the 2012 Olympics games.

Last month the Daily Daily revealed the Treasury and the Department for Culture, Media and Sport were discussing a price of £9billion - up from an initial figure of £2.35billion - for the event.

Dental surgeon Terry Murdoch from Ealing is said to be in "shock" over the new estimates, which include the construction of an Olympic Village accommodating 17,000 beds located next to Stratford tube station, behind the westbound platform.

"I just can't get my head around it," said Murdoch, 37, " because they're talking about building swimming pools, stadiums, sports complexes, tennis courts and hotels."

"Doesn't London have all these already?  That was the point of choosing London, isn't it?  And they're just built the new Wembley, which has a good chance of being finished by 2012." 

Even after lengthy discussions with wife Vicki into the early hours of Saturday morning, Murdoch still can't reconcile the current costs of the events against the benefits for capital city.

"They're talking about the Olympics attracting tourists and generating income for the country.  But we've already got the Queen, the telecom tower and Madame Tussauds."

David Higgins, chief executive of the Olympic Delivery Authority, told MPs yesterday the Games were the "largest ever event occurring in the world outside a reasonable-sized war".

"But let me stress it wouldn't be any old war for that price.  It'd be a proper war that'd lay waste to the Western hemisphere and leave hundreds of millions dead or disfigured beyond recognition."

Earlier in the House of Commons, Conservatives accused Chancellor Gordon Brown of "incompetence".  Shadow Culture Secretary Hugo Swire said the chancellor had signed off a budget for the games which was now "two or three times" the original figure.

"I can't be sure how incompetent the chancellor has been because they can't put a final figure on the costs. I know with certainty he is two to threes times as incompetent as usual based on these figures, but without accurate numbers I'm hardly in a position to lambaste the government in a meaningful way, which means I'm looking incompetent because of their incompetence."

"It's like incompetence squared.  Or at the very least, incompetence doubled."

Emergency services continuing the task of finding survivors following last week's Indonesian earthquake, have brought in magic horses to assist them.

The epicentre of Thursday's quake was about 50km north-east of Padang, the capital of West Sumatra.  Officials said 18 people had been killed in the town of Solok, while 16 were killed in Tanah Datar.

The mayor of Solok, Samsurahim, said he could not say how many people were still trapped in the rubble, but that the mystical equine beasts were key to preventing further lives being lost.

"Their otherworldly powers, while somewhat vague in their manifestation, will be a great source of hope and relief to my people," said Samsurahim while touring the worst affected districts of Solok.

However, as hopes diminish of finding further survivors in the rubble of homes shaken to the ground by the tremors, not all are confident in the mayor's handling of the disaster.  International Red Cross worker Bradley Raphael believes that far from assisting his team, rescue efforts are being severely hindered.

"The magic horses haven't helped us at all," said Raphael. "Everywhere you turn, there's a fucking horse staring at you."

"There are women and children trapped under tonnes of rubble, and all they've done is shit everywhere."

Channel 4 is investigating fresh allegations concerning the Richard and Judy show, after viewers complained the programme had been described as "entertainment".

E-mails leaked to The Daily Daily suggested the husband and wife lifestyle-led show was being promoted on-air as "brilliant" and "engrossing", while Channel 4 officials refused to believe it to be anything of the sort.

Channel 4 said "something had obviously gone awry", and added it was committed to acting "fairly and transparently".

"We reject any suggestion that we would knowingly mislead viewers in any way," a statement from the broadcaster said.

"It's blatantly obvious to anybody watching that this show is not entertaining, and was never intended as such", commented Julian Laishley, Channel 4's Station Manager.

"We're very aware viewers would rather cut their own faces off with a butter knife, and we're very sorry."

Last week, the programme caused uproar when it was revealed viewers paying premium rates to enter phone competitions on the show, were incredibly stupid for doing so in the first place.

"Some people call 40 or 50 times a night," admitted Laishley angrily, "despite us telling them it costs a bastard fortune.  Over and over again.  Soon they can't afford to feed their kids, and their kids die of hunger and weeping bed sores.  And seemingly it's all our fault.  Fuck off, it is."

YOUR STARS with Vagina Crabtree BSc

Pisces Feb20-Mar20

They say time heals all wounds. Perhaps they weren't referring to the irreversible severing of your spinal cord by the immense weight of a toppled grandfather clock.

Aries Mar21-Apr20

You could have sworn the jar of Sharwood's Jalfrezi cooking sauce was £1.39, but the self-service till charges you £1.59.  An early sign of debilitating dementia, or a Machiavellian conspiracy to break your will?

Taurus Apr21-May21

Destiny has an S in her name on Wednesday.  Or maybe an A.  Or a T.  Anyway, it's definitely a woman.  Or a man.  Or it might be Thursday.

Gemini May22-June21

You're not the only one hearing voices in your head this week, but you will be the only one to use them as a defense when you're discovered wearing the entrails of a local prostitute as a scarf.

Cancer June22-July22

Your financial woes continue this week, until a knight in shining armour arrives.  Bludgeoning him to death with the base of your favourite lamp and selling his armour to a pawnbroker successfully resolves your debt issue.

Leo July23-Aug23

As a nuclear physicist, you're only too aware that relationships at work are a bad idea, especially after subjecting your new love to deadly gamma radiation on Friday.

Virgo Aug24-Sep22

Who let the dogs out?  Who? Who? Who? Who?  It certainly wasn't you.  Or was it?

Libra Sep23-Oct22

You wear your heart on your sleeve, metaphorically speaking, until this week when a drunk driver sees to it that organs adorn your clothing for real.

Scorpio Oct23-Nov21

You are destined to be unlucky in love not just this week, but forever.  Accept you will never enjoy true companionship, close the curtains, crack open a bottle of poppers and settle down to an evening of strong European pornography.

Sagittarius Nov22-Dec21

A chance meeting in a bar leads you to discover the secret of alchemy. Having turned everything and everyone you ever loved into solid gold by the end of the week, you kill yourself. The end.

Capricorn Dec22-Jan20

If a girl says no, she means no. Some girls may be thinking yes, however.  If a guy says no, he probably means yes.  Unless he definitely means no.  Only your own skill and judgement will see you escape arrest at the bi-sexual swingers dinner party on Tuesday.

Aquarius Jan21-Feb19

All you want is a chance to prove yourself to those you love.  After the incident with your nephew's toenails and the secateurs, you may be left waiting a little longer.

The UK press has sensationally quit David Beckham, it was revealed yesterday.

The decision, which means British newspapers will no longer publish stories concerning former England captain, was finally confirmed by the Press Association late last night.
 
"He's given us all some great memories, some great headlines, some great exclusives," said PA Chief Executive Trevor Worthington, "but we feel at this point, he's given us all he can."

"Los Angeles is a long way to travel to cover David holding a midnight vigil at the hospital bed of a dying cripple.  If it was Manchester it'd be a different matter.  Madrid too, because Easyjet fly there."

The PA are said to be in talks with the Football Association to confirm a replacement, capable of whipping up similar media frenzies and front page tittle-tattle.

"We need a new hero in these cynical times; a player capable of magnificence on the field and hotel roasting allegations off the field."

Some murderers shouldn't be in jail because they're misunderstood by society, Lord Chief Justice Lord Phillips has said.

He voiced doubts as to whether murderers needed locking up at all, commenting that most seemed "a pretty decent sort".

"Murderers, and in particular mass-murderers and serial killers, show an intense focus and attention to detail you rarely find in people today."

Lord Phillips, speaking at the University of Birmingham on Thursday, said it was regrettable that the government and society in general "over-reacted" when a headless torso was dredged up from a river.

"Show me a man with a suit made of fresh skin hanging in his wardrobe, and I'll show you a man who works methodically with purpose, drive and ambition. For me, these are qualities that should be applauded by their communities, not frowned upon."

"The men and women who see these projects through to conclusion work hard in challenging conditions for little reward or thanks - more than can be said for the unemployed and homeless who are worthless leeches that should be clensed from sight."

Previously, Lord Phillips has spoken out on a number of key issues, including whether bestiality was a crime if the animal in question was "smiling".

A woman from Devon has been accused of apathy regarding her hatred for gay people.

Lucy Percival, 37, from Bideford is reported to have "no great love" for homosexual men and women, but is yet to verbalise the feelings to friends and work associates.

"Most people who hate the gays at least make an effort to precede any overtly homophobic statement with 'don't get me wrong, most of my friends are gay'", said one work colleague who asked not to be identified, "but she can't even be bothered to say that."

"Her blood boils at the thought of a man been buggered for all he's worth by another man, but you'd never know it to look at her.  It's just lazy."

Percival, a optical technician at the local branch of Specsavers, declined to comment on the allegations.

"It infuriates her to think of men fucking each other, pushing their genitals into each others faces for fun," added Percival's colleague.

"It's all she thinks about.  Cocks in arseholes. Girls licking dish.  Grinding and writhing and screaming and fluid oozing out of god knows where."

"Yet you don't hear a peep out of her on the subject. Unbelievable.  I mean, if I was homophobic, I'd at least say something about it.  I'd probably have a good rant about their disgusting behaviour."

ITV presenter Jeremy Kyle has been shot dead, after falling down a flight of stairs.

The incident occurred at the network's head office following a meeting between Kyle and senior management.

It is believed the mid-morning presenter fell only a few steps and twisted his left ankle, but that the injury was viewed by management as justification enough to have him executed.

Simon Shaps, Programme Director of ITV1 said it was necessary to prevent the viewing public from further suffering, and that Kyle's best interests were ultimately at heart.

"Jeremy was a fiercely proud man," he told Trevor MacDonald for the Tonight programme.

"He would rather be put down like a rabid dog, then live life as a man with two healthy ankles, one of which was once slightly twisted."

Kyle had recently found his daytime chat show the subject of tabloid headlines.  Recent topics on the programme have included "he wanted to put it in my ear" and "your mother is your sister, you fucking goggle-eyed freak". 

The Daily Mail meanwhile, has ended its long-running campaign to expose Kyle as a Nazi.

The bloated, bloodied carcass is awaiting a post-mortem before being burnt on open wasteground in Maidstone. Rodents are thought to have gnawed away the most sinful parts of the body.

Proposals to fingerprint unborn children as part of ID card plans are being considered.
 
Immigration minister Liam Byrne exclusively told The Daily Daily the proposals were being "looked at".

The government has expressed concerns that as the average age of children committing crime in the UK decreases, police authorities face the real prospect of smack addicted toddlers pimping out Eastern European girls, before they can even crawl.

"This problem is very real, in as far as we've imagined it could be real," stated Byrne.

"I find nothing more terrifying right now, than a judge of this land issuing a near full-term womb with an ASBO."

Shadow home secretary David Davis said the proposal "borders on the sinister" and added it showed the government was trying to end the presumption of innocence.

"A child, a baby, an embryo, even a handful of warm sperm - all these stages of society must remain innocent until found guilty."

"The determination to build a surveillance state behind the backs of the British people with a woman's legs raised high in stirrups is becoming increasingly sinister," said Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman Nick Clegg.

"Nobody is questioning that kids are little bastards."

Pop superstar Lionel Ritchie was not born in North East England, despite a city councillor initially believing otherwise.

The former Commodores singer is appearing at the Newcastle Arena on Tuesday 20th March, at part of his "Coming Home" tour, a claim that councillor Bernard Forsyth no longer thinks is true.

"When I first saw the posters declaring that Richie was coming home, back to the North East, I was thrilled," said Forsyth.

"I immediately raised the fact at the next council meeting, and it was agreed by the majority that this momentous occasion should be celebrated." 

Plans for a street parade through the city were already in the advanced stages according to Forsyth, when doubt was cast over the global superstar's claims.

"I'd just signed off on the 40 foot piñata in the shape of Richie's head when somebody mentioned he was from Alabama.  I told them Richie wouldn't lie."

Forsyth took his concerns to Richie's record label and discovered in fact the tour name was taken from an album, and not the pop star's place of birth.

"I had to turn off the heating in two dozen residential care homes to pay for the 20,000 acrylic afros on order from China. Non-refundable."

"Richie's faux pas has cost lives."

Foreign Office officials are unsure as to why five Britons, reported kidnapped in Ethiopia two days ago, chose to go on holiday there in the first place.

The tourists were amongst a group of European travellers that went missing in the north of the country, close to the Eritrean border. 

Around 10 British officials, including expert hostage negotiator Gary Lipsynski, are meeting at the British embassy in Addis Ababa to discuss the kidnappings.

"This is a land of inhospitable terrain, where violent rebel groups operate," commented Lipsynski, a former NYPD police officer, "and tourists are advised to travel with an armed guard at all times."

"This group were faced with a choice when flicking through their Suntours catalogue.  Prestatyn or kidnapping.  Turkey or torture. Safety or certain death."

"They chose certain death." 

A search involving Ethiopian police and army is under way in the Afar desert, for clues as to why the group didn't just take a low-cost airline flight to Barcelona.

"Ryanair aren't great, but they've got a sale on at the moment," suggested embassy spokesperson Deborah Braithwaite.

"At least most of the tourists are believed to be French, which is some sort of saving grace."

Earlier, Bereket Simon, communications adviser to Ethiopia's prime minister, told AFP news agency the prime minister had "heard about the abduction and we are trying to confirm the missing people's whereabouts".

"We'll try our best to ensure their safety," he said, "but they're probably already dead in a ditch."