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Thursday, November 05, 2009 10:24 PM

emotional, pathetic, and still sick
Current mood:

depressed
Category: Life

Does anyone else get easily overwhelmed and emotional when they're sick? I sure do.

I just got back from the grocery store a little while ago. I didn't want to have to be there in the first place, but I had to do what I had to do despite being sick. Life keeps moving forward no matter how awful you feel at any given point in time. In my experience it's almost always in these moments (the ones you really wish you didn't have to be there for in the first place) that things end up going worst case scenario. The pessimist inside of me was semi-prepared, but the newly found optimist inside of me had faith that for once I'd make a plan and it would work out.

I entered the store with three specific goals, and the first two depended on the store cashing a check for me. My first goal was getting myself some medicine for this stupid cold- something to clear me up during the day and something to knock me out at night. My second goal was getting cat food. My third goal was picking up a few groceries. So I optimistically picked out everything I needed in the store, and then headed towards the costumer service counter to cash my last check from my college. And of course... turns out that no stores in my town will cash this check because it's from out of state. All the times before that I've cashed these I had a good bank account, which I don't have anymore. Okay so anyway I had food stamps for the food so at least that went smooth without me having to look like an imbecile. Well, I'm not 100% proud of the fact that I need food stamps to get by but hey- Whatever Works. I was able to borrow a few bucks to get the rest of it, it didn't cost much anyway. It was still basically heart breaking though. When I left my apartment I was happy that I was going to go out and get the few things I need with my own money, and by the end of it I'm another few dollars in debt instead.

It is truly pathetic if you know how much the check that I'm so upset about not being able to cash is for... my life has gotten pretty pathetic really. The check is for $44 and I need it so bad that I felt like I could break down in tears in front of dozens of people. I'm glad I held it in.

I'm guessing that most of this emotional problem is because I'm sick... well that plus the fact that I'm broke & clueless about what my next step in life is.

So anyway... I'm still going to my sister's to baby-sit for the weekend. I think that Nyquil might knock the rest of this cold out tonight though so I might be fine... if not I have some non-drowsy stuff for during the day too. People take care of kids while they have colds all the time so I'm really not all that worried. Plus, Autumn is completely better and she'll be there too. So... like I said I guess I'm not too worried. I'm just so cranky and weird today. I hate being sick... I get sick a few times every year, and I'm just tired of it I guess. Worn out. I have enough willpower and motivation issues without body aches, ear infections, chills, congestion, and coughing added to it.

Okay that is enough complaining for one blog! Sorry!! The next one will be more cheerful I PROMISE!

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Thursday, November 05, 2009 3:30 AM

crazy... sick...
Current mood:

sore
Category: Life

The world works in very mysterious ways sometimes. I had a great day on Monday... I had lunch and dinner with my Dad and Diana :) After dinner I was dropped off at Autumn's and spent the night there. Anyone who knows me should know that Autumn is my bestest friend since we were 11 years old and I'm always happy to hang out with her. So, it was a great Monday... which is awesome because Monday's are known to be perpetually bad. Well anyway... I stayed the night, then yesterday Dad picked me up in the afternoon and brought me home to my apartment. A few short hours later I'd been hit dead on with a nasty cold & almost flu-like virus of some kind. It is HORRIBLE. Bad coughing, sore throat, stuffed up nose, ear aches, chest hurting, migraine, chills, even my skin was aching. I texted Autumn telling her I was sick, and the crazy thing is that she is sick too. I figured maybe whatever I have came from her place, but we're two completely different kinds of sick- she definitely had the flu. It's kind of weird that we were both fine the night before and then once we were apart ended up sick lol. But anyway shortly after 7pm I downed some Nyquil and went to bed hoping I would wake up feeling better.

This morning, 5:30am, when I woke up I didn't feel much better. I ended up taking it easy most of the day. I slept off and on, only staying awake for maybe a half hour then would go back to sleep. Drank water. Didn't smoke most of the day. Had some soup around 10am, then went to sleep after I ate the soup. When I woke up the next time around 1 in the afternoon I was feeling a bit better finally. I hate being sick like this. I can tell that I've developed an ear infection in my right ear... it hurts so much, but my coughing has almost completely stopped so I gotta at least be thankful for that. The cough was really bad, my chest still hurts from it, so I'm glad that's almost gone. I should probably get some antibiotic for my ear, but I don't know of anyone with enough time or willingness to go to the E.R. and wait with me.

The worst thing is I'm really looking forward to this weekend and I hope that Autumn and I getting sick doesn't put a big damper on things or change plans all around. We're supposed to be staying at my sister's place this weekend and watching the kids for them. I've been looking forward to it for weeks! I'm hoping that I'll feel at least 80% better when i wake up in the morning. The last time I heard from Autumn she said she wasn't completely better but did feel somewhat better... so i think we're in the same boat kind of. I hope we're both better by Friday. I wouldn't want to bring a virus into my sister's house and get any of the kids sick. We'll see how tonight and tomorrow go though I suppose.

Well anyway i just felt like writing for a little bit. Originally this blog was planned to be talking about how great Monday was and how much I'm looking forward to this weekend. This whole cold/flu thing is sucking some of the optimism out of me though. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow :)

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Saturday, October 24, 2009 7:15 PM

life is complex.... but writing is easy!
Current mood:

nostalgic
Category: Life

I've been wanting to write, but not sure what to say exactly. I was pretty excited to watch my blog views jump over 20,000! Then, it hit me- Holy Shit... people read what I write... and I've written A LOT. I'm most known for writing when I'm stressed. I don't know why I do it so publicly... but it ends up that way. It just occurred to me that some of my readers are probably reading this blog FOR the stress! lol... because finding out that someone else is having a rough go at it makes you feel better about your own situations. To that I say, kudos. I am going through a process of eliminating stress though, and writing about what stresses me out now would be going against that process. I've let life bring me down too many times... I've reached a point in my life where I need to at least try to turn pessimism into optimism.

The point of a personal blog is (I think) supposed to be to write about your feelings, and in a public form it's also to keep your friends and family up to date. Sometimes it's to say things that you're nervous to say in person, or things that you would just never say in person at all. Also... to get things off your chest, share your thoughts and opinions out loud, and process emotional situations. For me personally, what I get most from blogging is having my life story on record. I save my blogs after awhile onto disk as well, and I definitely read through them from time to time. We all learn from our own experiences and mistakes, and blogging helps me remind myself of what I've come from and been through to get wherever I'm at at any given point in life.

I have a phobia (and I think a lot of people have it to some extent) and it's called Athazagoraphobia; it is the fear of forgetting or being forgotten. By writing things down I know I have a reference to look back on... and I know that if something tragic were ever to happen to me taking me out of this world too soon that the people close to me will have alllll these words to remember me by. This is a genuine fear- I've been experiencing it my whole life really. Sitting on steps waiting for a ride and assuming they've forgotten about me. My mind going blank right before an important test because I get psyched out from being afraid to forget. Make a list for when I go shopping then forget it at home, and then the whole time I'm shopping I know I'm forgetting things I really needed. The thing about fear is... the more you feed it the more it grows. Since I keep proving to myself that I am forgetful it just makes me expect to be even more. I'm also afraid of sharks, but if I wouldn't psych myself out by picturing one eating me alive then it wouldn't be so bad... lol. Oh, and June Bugs! They are so gross and I'm completely terrified of them, but I bet that if I didn't freak out they wouldn't get so close to me... haha!

The point is... FACE YOUR FEARS! This concept is actually inspiring an awesome tattoo idea... take whatever you're afraid to look at and tattoo it right where you have to see it! Eventually it will become so common that the fear at sight will most likely go away. If I had the money to I would go out and get a shark tattoo right now and make myself face the fear daily. Then again... I'm addicted to tattoos (considering I have 16 or 17 of them already) so of course I would think that is a brilliant idea! Ok, I'm way off topic as usual... so ANYWAY.... yeah... conquer the things that terrify you, find a way to eliminate the fears. I'm afraid to forget so I keep a regularly updated journal (blog in this case). Plain and simple. There isn't always a simple solution, but there is usually at least a 12 step process (lol) to get you through!

As a person with a passion for writing in general I'm also afraid to forget the words tumbling around in my mind. So if there's something that might be meaningful to share with other people I tend to add those thoughts to my blogs as well. I'm sure that's obvious at this point though. Once in awhile I post something thoughtful, and when I finally finish writing it and click "Post" I hope that someone out there gains at least something from reading it. Even if that something is just a better understanding of me as the person writing it.

If you have a blog remember to share your personality and put yourself into what you're writing. People who read blogs generally do it because they are genuinely interested in you as a person and what you have to say. If you see a great movie and it makes you think about your life- write about the movie and how it affected you. If a certain band makes you happy when you listen to them- tell people about it. Life is complex... but writing is easy!!

Take Care. Be Safe. Have FUN!!

~~Ashley Ellen~~

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Friday, October 09, 2009 3:22 PM

finally leaped
Current mood:

dorky
Category: Blogging

With, so far, 76 views this week I've finally leaped over the 20,000 total blog views mark! WOO HOO!

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009 9:05 PM

Another mark in my personal history....
Current mood:

hungry
Category: Life

Well first I'm pretty excited about something that should happen very soon... take a look at this....

See?!?! Almost over the 20,000 views mark for this blog!! Wow- I can't believe this is my 410th blog post here! WOW! That's a lot of writing... and time spent (lol)! The 20,000 mark approaching is exciting though, right? Or am I the only geeky loser to think that? haha!

Ok well I'm about to go make some delicious breakfast sandwiches for dinner so this is a short one!

Before I go though, a real quick tidbit... I've found a site that I really like and I'm starting to get into it. Hopefully I'll accumulate some kind of extra income from it. So if I don't seem to be on myspace as much, or if you call and I don't answer, here is why:
Amazon Mechanical Turk website

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Ashley Ellen

Ashley Oldenburg

Last Updated: 11/8/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 25
Sign: Gemini

State: Maine
Country: US

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