Somewhere between being oblivious and complete disregard for respecting your friends time, I found you in a small little pit. Lost and lonely, with puppy dog eyes, masking the boredom and self loathing for your inability to finish school, and start doing something with your life. Your motivation is equal to the amount of ironing you can complete in a weekend, added with the amount of repeat pictures that you obsessively size to the same pixel dimensions. Exterior esthetics were of high regard with you, but working to break the cycle of ugliness between us was not something you were interested in putting effort. I said to you once, "I believe in you." I hope you take away the learning that effort is required from both people in the form of action, not just words.

Remebmer when you told me why it was not important for you to be on time to hang out with your friends? Resentful of work, you admittedly operated on the theory that no one else deserves to be respected by your punctuality. Your time is precious, but everyone else's is of no regard. This is because, unfairly, you are required to get up when your alarm goes off, to a job that bores you to death. Resentment is a pretty color that you wear, with highlights of justfiication for your utter disregard. You see yourself as the center of the universe which dictates all "natural" law. In your universe, you tend to the vacuum, while you neglect the bodies that can support growth and life. You are an unusual combination of self entitlement and self loathing, in which things of no consequence matter dearly to you, yet putting effort into yourself was of no interest to you. Your attention span is that of a candle blown out by a dull breeze. Dangerously though, it can be reignited by your resentment of "taking ownership" and "being accountable." Flames and rage are hidden within you that are desgined for the only purpose of hurting, belittling, and expressing your home style recipe of stealth manipulation.

The real question is, are you just ignorant, or is your self serving, inconsistent ideas of accountability really a method of disguising the fact that you are empty or perhaps even sinister? I will never know. I was held to a level of accountability by you, higher than that of your friends, supposedly because of a love that we shared. I was held to an accountability that your very own actions towards me did not satisfy. You often attacked me verbally with abusive words, attacking my character for the sole purpose of hurting me. The greater accountability you expected of me was really just license to take out your frustrations and resentments about self, others, home sickness, and your inability to communicate..., by cutting me down. By attacking my character. Attacking the character of my Son, Ex-wife, and Friends, while in the meantime, you turned a blind eye to the fucked up friends and siutuations that you simply wanted to sweep under the rug. I am sure these relationships have been mended with long hugs and an "I'm sorry, but I told you so..but glad you're home now."

I was your temporary illusion of meaning and love. I was your exit from your boredom and lonliness. I was your opportunity to escape from monotany in small town Texas. Fortunately, I am not a martyr I am a survivor. I know that we shall never see one another again, nor follow each others lives, but through what I have come to know of you, you will seal your own empty fate with your sweet words lacking follow through. The best part is, you will seal this fate by just doing what you do well...NOTHING. You will never have to learn how your actions may affect people, because your familiy will facilitate this disregard by encouraging you to run instead of facing tough situations. You once complained about previous boyfriends treating you as a boy toy..well, it might be true, seeing that you only want the fun and good out of a situation, whereas, the work, struggling, and effort/accountability were things you want nothing to do with, and quickly become overwhelmed by.

I fell in love with you, and invited you to share our lives here where I am from. I sought to build something together that kept us safe, promoted growth, and sustatined love. I made a huge mistake. I came to Texas to help you transition in to the new life we were starting together, and had to do most of the work, and bear the mental load of getting things done. Your life, which you admittedly moved from residence to residence in trash bags at the last minute, was now my overwhelming burden to help you sift through under serious time constraint. My first taste of your inability or blatant refusal (I cannot tell) of putting in equal effort, was a concern that wore me down, but I over looked. Can you imagine that I might be stressed out and tired during the drive to this new life. Can you imagine that all I wanted was for you to take ownership of finding a solution or maybe having an idea. Your eagerness to visit six flags before leaving was noble. Your comfort and security were a major priority to me. So much so, that I sacraficed my own comfort and security in the end. I didn't think you were using me, I just wanted to be helpful. I just wanted to put as much effort as I could into being a partner and helping accomplish a task that seemed larger than life. Looking back, it seems you were just along for the ride. Pee splatters..50 cents... remember. How funny..right?

Imagine how frustrating it got for me when I had to keep reminding you to take care of "administrative business" associated with moving to a new state. I was seeking a partner. Not someone so scared or unmotivated that the adult parts of life caused you to shut down. It became clear that you had no direction. Prior to your migration to our new world, we had phone conversations in which we discussed you starting school, and us exercising together, being motivational to each other..and these were merely words without meaning. Our relationship failed becase there really was someone on the other end of the phone who was ready to have a partnership, and was motivated to work for the rewards, not knowing that it was all just your dream of the results without the desire or ability to do the work associated with obtaining the result.

11/13/07 I stepped out there, and layed it all out for you, without condition. We had "won the race," when in all reality, the race was just starting. The race to understand, to work, to love, to enjoy the highs together, and work through the lows. I see that you expect result without effort. Your smile hides the shallowness within. You do not know how to take charge of a situation. Your emotional growth and wisdom is severely stunted and distorted. You suffer sensory overload when an emotion or task overwhelms you, and set this overload on a shelf, to distill into anger. You're kind of a dangerous mess. That can be a good thing, if you learn from it. God knows how much I have fucked shit up, before you ever came along, and sometimes I ran, but sooner or later, learned that the consequences were inevitable. In addition to my fuck ups, I have lived an adult life. I have fallen. I have stood back up and brushed myself off. I have shut down and let things get out of control. I have attained goals as well. I have had as much, if not more success than failure in my life. You were very fond of pointing out my short comings, but hardly ever reckognized the good in me. Personal information about me became the most effective weapon for you to use to cut me down. Do you remember, in your apartment in Texas, when you told me that I was a weak person for taking two months off of work for depression. Let it be known, that you are the only person that I confided in that I had been brutally sexually assaulted, leading to a severe depression. You were the one person whom I shared this tragedy with. You were not only my support, but you were the one who would judge my character as being inadequate and weak for this trauma in my life. You drunkenly yelled at me, telling me that I didn't deserve my job, and do you remember yelling through the bedroom door that I deserved to be raped as well. The following morning, you found me asleep on the recliner, and I saw regret in your eyes, and you offered an apology. Did the idea that you had misused painful information against me, just to cut me down, raise any red flags for you? Was there a purpose to that fight? I don't know...we never followed up on it. It was far to fucking painful to breach. Certainly this was a mistake, maybe a bad dream even. Denial set in early...didn't it.

But how dare I compare something that you did to Chris. When you attacked me verbally in the hotel room in Dallas, you encouraged me to break up with you, because you did not deserve to be compared to the likes of him. The night before I had to leave, you once again shredded my heart, yelling at me, as I sat on the edge of the bathtub crying pathetically ... smoking a cigarette.. . unable to comprehend what was going on, because you decided to wait about four days to bring this up. You made it quite clear, early on in our relationship that you had the power to hurt my heart, and would wield it when necessary. Then, when I wouldn't talk the next day, as you drove me to the airport, you were pissed because you were saying that I was being passive aggressive just to piss you off. It was shell shock. Disbelief. Ironically, it was exactly like something Chris had done to me on a couple of occasions. But, how dare I compare you to him....right? What I do not understand, is why you felt it necessary to tear me down periodically. It is because you need control I think. You need to know that you have a weapon to use if your hand is forced.

Over time, many aspects of my life, that you never had issue with before, became ammunition for you to tell me how shitty of a person I was. Why did this pattern develop? You know that our fights were started equally by each of us, but my issues that caused me to be angry, were generally caused by trying to understand the loss of our passion, and the fact that you had no desire to want to fix it. You took my desire to have a loving and passionate relationship, and turned it against me as though I was being unrealistic and demanding. I was sad because you were unmotivated to make me feel special. You even told me once that if romantic love making was something I wanted, then it was my responsibility to initiate it. I discovered, that you didn't want anything to do with helping to tend to some aspects of our love that had changed drastically when you moved. Furthermore, the fact that I noticed it and it bothered me, was just me trying to be controlling and demanding.

You were in love with me in "theory" but when it came to application, I was nothing more than a burden and constant source of resentment for dragging you up to the 'nuclear winter.' My feelings and insecurities during this transition were suddenly out of line, and imposing to you. I was the one you could never talk about your home sickness with. Suddenly, I was your enemy, and could not be trusted or reasoned with, in regards of your feelings of leaving home. How ironic is that? I see that you concealed your sensitive information with the assumption that I was seeking just to find reasons to hold it against you. The guilty ones are usually the ones that are paranoid...so I have observed in life.

I wrote love letters that were meant to show effort I wanted to put into you and give reassurance to you regarding the transition ahead. Ultimately, any effort I tried to give was meaningless, because as it turns out, I became your anger and resentment. I became trapped in my own head. My feelings and need to ask you for help in working to find a way to pacify or understand my insecurities became a black cloud that loomed over my head, and further causing you to pull away.

Remember reading "To Love and Be Loved?" I was determined to enter this relationship with the understanding that two different people have different perceptions and different needs, and it's only through finding our common ground to sustain each other, as seperate entities, but one love, that a foundation can be built. I feel like you never gave me the chance to help you..when you pulled away. I further doomed us by thinking that you had the desire to work with me in understanding my feelings and insecurities, when all you felt was that I was eternally unable to please. That I would always be pissed about something. That a giant chip existed on my shoulder, with your name on it.

Fight after fight, I would try to escape to the bedroom during your hurtful attacks on my character. You would chase me and tell me what a pussy I was and that I always ran off like a little bitch. You threw the iPhone you got me for my birthday at me as I laid in bed, when I tried to get away from a fight that was escalating beyond control Well, one day, I lost it, as the cycle of my insecurity increased with your desire to bottle up your feelings, ultimately causing you to act different, which caused me to act different, I exploded. I was being rediculously insecure about a stupid facebook picture, and you just went off to bed, rather than helping me to rationalize the stupidity of the situation. You did go out of your way to make me feel stupid for how I was feeling, but at this point, our cycle of feeding each others resentment was beyond the point of no return. You dismissed me as being stupid, and ran off to bed. Every single time you slandered me for trying to get away from futile fighting flooded my head, and I realized that you didn't care. You were out to hurt me, and just serve yourself. I was verbally abused by you when you felt it convienient to hurt me, but at your leisure, I could be dismissed in the exact same manner for which you slandered me.

I hit you in the face. I threw the tv in the bedroom you were sleeping in. I threw the 42" LCD TV. I knocked over the aquarium. I was angry. I was trapped. I was backed into a corner, and being severely intoxicated, decided that inflicting physical pain on you was my only option. I wanted to hurt you for all the hurt and shame you made me feel, for just being the person I am. A bit of a mess in the past, but a person who has a big heart to share, and you preyed on that. Well, you decided to leave me at that point. So, I ask this.....

At what point should I have left the relationship? I should have terminated our relationship after leaving Dallas, when you took it upon yourself to unprovokedly attack me, just to make me feel like shit. I should have taken that as a sign that you were capable of stinging me. My heart is tender, and I am not perfect, but I dont think I ever did anything to you that warranted the emotional and verbal abuse that was routine coming from you.


We only fought drunk though, but neither one of us wanted to quit drinking, I actually would have dried up to save us, but it would never have worked if it was me pushing for it. I wanted to get us counseling, and I wanted to work through things, but since it was what I wanted, I had to do the work. By the time I made that counseling appointment, it was clearly too late. You had already checked out of our relationship, and I graciously gave you a perfect excuse to end it. I was out of control clearly... right?

You left, without telling a single soul where I was and that I was in need of thier help. You left because you felt that you had no friends here in this time of tragedy. You always said you felt like you never had friends here. I love seeing the face book comments you leave for mutual friends, telling them how much you miss them, and that you'll be there for them if they need you. The sun most certainly ALWAYS shines. Your inspriational words really are a testament to how hopeful you are regarding matters of life. Actually, your sun ALWAYS shines, because you have never had to step into real darkness. MeeMaw or PeePaw will just change the light bulb for you. You never even had to do your own laundry until you were 23 years old. ... .... I encourage you to actually invest yourself into something, and see it through to completion. It's quite rewarding. In the mean time, hiding behind a computer, and selling yourself as "real" "complex" "easy going" and so on, are total lies. You have a habit of saying what people want to hear. You are kind of an empty shell.

I lost my job because my survival was not a consideraton at all when you left. Yet, in a message to me, you tell me that you don't think I should have been arrested and that you were sorry for your part of the fight. It amazes me, that for someone who is so concerned for the welfare of those close to you, even in times of hardship, you 'forgot' to tell anyone where I was. You single handedly took my career away from me. In a separation, both people are always affected, but clearly, whatever happened to me, was no concern of yours. I did not deserve to be helped for what I did. You were leaving. Every gift I ever bought you, and every love letter, or token of affection given to you by me, was left behind for me to see and to dispose of.

I brought you to this hell hole slowly wearing you down, and clearly there was no reason whatsoever in our relationship, that I deserved your help to ensure a safe and fair separation. Just the shitty sentement scribbled on blank paper saying, "Sorry for everything that I put you through" or something like that.

As time has passed, my heart is healing and I am a different Adrian than you know. We did well keeping our dirty laundry private. Well, I have realized that ... I want it to be aired. I honestly wanted nothing more than a loving stable relationship with you. I never once criticized or abused your character. I never talked shit about your family like you did about my son. Things you said to me, and used against me, for no reason other than to see me hurt, have brought me to the conclusion that my well being was not important to you for quite a long time. You are someone that I never want to see in my life again. I see nothing to gain from ever knowing you again. Since you are blocked from seeing my profile, you may never read this, or someone may copy and paste it and send it to you. I do not know, but, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the "accountability" you held me to. The shitty things you were able to hurl at me and shame me with, which I told you when I needed a friend, and supposedly started our friendship, became the beginning of the end. You really are one of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life. Not necessarily w/ $$ or material possessions, but through the way you can justify your ugliness and disregard for others. When times are good, and you are happy, the whole room can be lit up with your smile, but when the going gets rough...and it may personally affect you, or require you to step out of a comfort zone, or even admit you are wrong...the Rhett's get going.

You were once my friend. You were once my confidant. You were once my lover. You were once someone that I trusted. Through everything we had been through together, you really fucked me over, and I let you. You need not to claim enlightenment, or that you even seek it, and realize, how you're melanie JR, who'll never be able to take care of himself, unless you actually... lose yourself just to find yourself. You are a manipulator. You are arrogant. You are hypocritical. You are unmotivated. You are severely judgemental. You are kind of a piece of shit, because it seems to me, that I deserved a lot fucking better from you, even in our separation. Just as violence is never acceptable, neither is verbal abuse. Perhaps someday you will shamefully and painfully be sexually assaulted, then your mate will tell you that you probably deserved it.

Pretty face, but an ugly heart... at least it was to me. Never again.