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originally printed 05.05.05 in the Eureka, California newspaper The Times-Standard.
The Popcorn Topping Debate
Durant: First, let me say that I rarely pay for the packaging material they pass as popcorn in the movie theaters these days. In most cases it's stale, cold and costs more than the movie I'm going to see. Most popcorn these days taste like those bowls of popcorn you find at the end of some dive bar that have been there since the Nixon administration. Or how 'bout this one, like the popcorn Christmas stringers you made when you were 6, you know, the ones the mice haven't eaten yet. But when there is good popcorn, I mean really, really good popcorn, nothing brings out the texture, flavor and potential more than real, hot, lardy butter. When I'm done eating good popcorn I want to be able to put my hands in my hair and style it. I want to have a hard time turning door handles. Nutritional yeast won't do that. Just saying nutritional yeast makes me shiver. I mean it starts with the word nutritional, c'mon. Yeast should only be used for bread and beer. I'd rather have plain popcorn than popcorn with yeast on it. Even the "butter-like flavoring" taste is, well, like butter and real good.
Faulk: Mmm, nothing like the taste of liquid fat. Feel that tingling feeling? That's lard build-up, coating your insides, plugging that lower intestine and lubing up the poop-chute for a midnight drop. Once ingested, the butter courses through the veins - a hot shot of yellow lava - burning any chance you had at life past the age of 33. Yeast, on the other hand, is the holy food. I mean, it's the secret behind beer and bread - two of God's greatest creations. Used in moderation, the flaky powder adds a tastiness to cooked kernels that is desperately needed. So to recap: Yeast good. Butter bad. On the other hand, all the gourmet flavor powders - from Yucca Mountain Cherry to white processed cheese flakes - are over the top. Popcorn is popcorn and any attempt to turn it into soft and round flavored potato chips is ill-begotten. Regardless of what you treat it with, the cost of popcorn at movie theaters across the country is a travesty. Whats the seller's cost for a large popcorn? 10 cents? They get $4.25 on average for the largest feedbags - not a bad profit for fried corn.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Durant: What a let down. I never read the books and now I'm glad I didn't. This did not satisfy my science-fiction craving in the anticipation of "Revenge of the Sith".
I would have much rather watched Mos Def, who did a good job on the screen, MC for an hour-and-a- half. The way it ended, which was rather abruptly for me, seems to indicate there are going to be more of these movies. The whole thing would have worked out better if it was a BBC mini series, like the way they did "Chronicles of Narnia." The casting was good, but once again not being familiar with the book, I didn't know who these people were supposed to be. I think Douglas Adams fans will enjoy it, but I'm not going to read any books so I can understand a movie. The best thing about the movie was the new, extended "Revenge of the Sith" trailer, which left me a slobbering blob reminiscent of McMurphy after his lobotomy. I couldn't concentrate on the first 15 minutes of "Hitchhiker's Guide" because my synapses were still trying to process the barrage of wookie, Jedi and Sith images. Some of you are saying "enough already" about the Star Wars, but even if you are a peripheral fan like Faulk, going just to see the trailer is worth if. Faulk said the "Revenge of the Sith" trailer was the first thing he's seen that's given him hope for the new movie.
Rating: M
Faulk: I did say that, but on the other hand, "Hitchhiker's Guide" - a marginal movie at best - was easily better than the first two movies in the most recent Star Wars Trilogy. The movie was rife with solid wit, creative graphics and a campiness that was entertaining. It started painfully slow, and for my money the casting could have been better, but all-in-all I was entertained. I have not been a faithful follower of the Hitchhiker, so any lack of faithfulness to the original script did not bother me. Some of the acting was bad, and at times I thought I was watching an unplanned sequel to "Spaceballs." But let me tell you, this Schwartz ain't got nothin' on Mel Brooks. My son Gabe thought it was hilarious and added a new one-liner to his ever-growing repertoire - "So long and thanks for all the fish."
Rating: L
7:00 PM
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