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originally printed 09.07.06 in the Eureka, California newspaper The Times-Standard.
Durant: I like to keep things organized here at the Fat Guys' home office. We have five meetings in three days to decide on a movie for the week. At these meetings we discuss what's new, and what would best suit our readers' interests.
Well we decided, or so I thought, on "The Wicker Man." But that against-the-grain Faulk, that rabble-rouser, chose on his own, without a meeting or mention in the slightest to me, to see another football movie on some no-name loser seemingly without a chance in Hell to get on the team and who ... wait for it ... DOES! C'mon Faulk, I've seen that movie before -- it's called "Rudy" or "Waterboy" or any number of cookie cutter, formulaic sports movies.
Geeesh!
Anyway, on to the remake I saw.
The Wicker Man
A sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.
Durant: First of all, how many gosh darn producers does this film need? It seems everyone in Hollywood has their name down as a producer on this movie. After the 10 minutes of lame-ass logos from numerous production companies, the credits start and the first names are the same ones you just watched with their logos. And, I poop you not, every time I looked down at the credits it was another three or four producers.
Anyway, the first half of this movie is L to the A to the M to the mother-flippin' E.
It was entertainingly lame. Everything was just a little too convenient.
But you find out why in the second half.
Not that the latter half of the movie propelled into the realm of XLs, but it pulled it out of the dungeon of crap.
I could give or take Nicholas Cage, he really doesn't add much to this film. Anyone could have played the role, some probably better.
And one has to wonder about the decision to release this movie the same weekend as the art festival Burning Man takes place in Nevada. So is that what really goes on there in the desert?
And on Burning Man, it seems pretty ironic that one can now, if they have a television and satellite dish, watch the infamous art festival on TV. The ultimate hands-on event can now be viewed from the comfort of your own home. But I guess that it's better to be at home when all that acid you took takes a turn for the worse.
Rating: L
Faulk: So would I rather see a movie with Nic "I am so busy being an action star that I forgot how to be cool like I was in that one movie about me being an Elvis fan" Cage, or one with Mark "I used to dance with cinder blocks" Wahlberg?
Well, the Wahlberg movie was about football, so it was an easy choice. Go Niners!
Besides, if I wanted to watch a group of crazies burn a big pile of grass, I'd just call all my old high school buddies.
Invincible
Starring Mark Wahlberg, this movie follows a Philadelphia Eagles fan who has just lost his wife and his teaching job. He decides one day to show up for an open ryout for his favorite NFL team, only to see his wildest dreams come true.
Faulk: Greg Kinnear should totally keep the hairdo he sports in this movie as Eagles coach Dick Vermeil. Are you kidding? The pompadour resembles a small squirrel, napping. It makes Greg Brady look like Kojak.
At times, I think you can hear it snoring.
Truth be told, for the past several years when I see Mark Wahlberg, I expect him to unzip and unveil his special purpose. Is this football fan turned player Vince Papale, or Dirk Diggler? Luckily, the tight ends were all well covered.
The movie, while sticking to the formula that makes sports flicks predictably enjoyable, pulled on all the right heart strings. By the end, I wanted to hoist Old Glory and eat a whole package of American cheese.
Rating: L/T
Remember, remember, remember:
Don't forget to check out the Fat Guys shelf at the McKinleyville Figueiredo's or our page at www.myspace.com/fatguysonfilm and our show every Saturday at 3 p.m. on 94.1 KSLG.
Editor's note: Has anyone noticed the little kicker at the end of the Fat Guys' columns keeps getting more and more loaded with shameless self-promotions?
7:00 PM
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