Jeez, how long has it been since I've updated? Thanksgiving?! It's 7 days into December and I haven't posted a single blog yet!

Starting with this one, all my blogs 'til the Big Day will be Xmas-themed!

This one in particular is a subject that's been in my head for a while. It's december and it's finally ok to run Christmas specials! Tomorrow (Friday 12/8), CBS is showing Rudolph, Frosty The Snowman AND its sequel Frosty Returns! Rankin-Bass Classics...and Frosty Returns.

This got me thinking: What is the formula for a Rankin-Bass special? I've seen almost all of them (crappy sequels aside as well as a select cel-animated few), and several times, so I'm pretty on the ball as to what goes on with these things.

Ingredient 1) Stop-Motion Animation

If there's something that Rankin-Bass is famous for, it is the fact that nearly every cartoon they made was produced by Stop-Motion animation. That's where tiny figures on a set are arranged frame-by-frame and shot in that manner, and is usually a long, extensive process, especially in those days! You really don't see this form of animation this much these days, and is currently most commonly associated with Robot Chicken and the Wallace & Gromit cartoons, and even these cartoons have some CGI help now! And don't get me started on tradition Cel animation...

2) This:

Yes, the official logo of Rankin-Bass, you better look at this because it was an enormous bitch to put that on here. This iconic symbol is seen (or was seen) at the end of EVERY cartoon made by R-B, from Rudolph, to Frosty, to Mad Monster Party to Silverhawks to Thundercats. It's right up there in iconicness with the Indian Head Test Pattern, the NBC logo, and that creepy DIC logo where the little girl is screaming "DEEK!"

3) A Narrator

On to the cartoons themselves. You need a Narrator. Yes, just about every R-B Xmas cartoon had a narrator. Here are some pics of some typical ones:

That's Sam The Snowman and S.D. Kluger, from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer & Santa Claus is Comin' To Town respectively. I'd show more, but the other specials are so g-damned obscure that google image searching don't find anything. Well, I know that these other R-B Specials had narrators: Frosty The Snowman, The Year Without A Santa Claus, Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, Little Drummer Boy, Frosty's Winter Wonderland, 'Twas The Night Before Christmas and A Christmas Carol.

There are common traits among all of these narrators: A) Their names are bad puns on either what they are, or something that relates to the main story. Good examples are Sam The Snowman from Rudoph and S.D. Kluger from Santa Claus is Comin' To Town, where the "S.D." stood for "Special Delivery" (he was a mailman who delivered kid's letters to Santa). First of all, who the fuck names a kid "Special Delivery"?? Second, to those of you who saw that special, I hope I'm not the only one who ever thought of beating him to death and stealing his kickass Snowmobile. In the cel-animated Christmas Carol, the story is narrated by an humanoid insect who introduces himself as "H.U.M. Bug," making him the Humbug that Scrooge always "Bah's" to. B) These narrators usually introduced themselves by showing us a business card with their name on it, and nothing else. I think Kluger's phone # was omitted after the first airing because all those kids called up a number and got the "Santa S&M Nutcracker Hotline." I should stop reading Wikipedia. C) Almost every narrator was designed as a caricature to their voice actor, a trait most common in animation. Take for example, the aformentioned pictured narrators. Sam resembles Burl Ives and Kluger looks like Fred Astaire, and I'm pretty sure Nestor had some Paul Williams to him. Frosty's narrator, Jimmy Durante, didn't have a physical characte,r probably because he just would've been a huge nose, and you how Huge Noses fair in the winter...

Speaking of which, this brings me to my next ingredient to the R-B Stew:

4) At least one "Big Talent" voice

Ok, this is a biggie. This one actually applies to ALL R-B cartoons. Frosty had Jimmy Durante, Nestor had Paul Williams, Rudolph had Burl Ives, Little Drummer Boy had Greer Garson (whoever the hell that is), obscure special The First Christmas starred Angela Lansbury (wtf?? That fossil from Murder, She Wrote?!), Santa Claus is Comin To Town had Paul Frees & Mickey Rooney, and Year Without A Santa Claus had Dick Shawn, George S. Irving, Shirley Booth and Mickey Rooney...again (he voiced santa a total of 6 times)

5) At least 2 songs that are completely identical, save for a few changes words

This one is in several. It all starts with Rudolph, where both Hermie & Rudolph sing their own version of "I'm just a Misfit" and when they meet they sing another version! Santa Claus is Comin' To Town had the songs "The First toymakers To The King" sung by Mama Kringle, and then "No More Toymakers To The King" by Bergermeister Meisterberger. Granted, these are great songs but you just feel like the writers were just ad tad too lazy here in the songwriting department and were pressed for time during Rudolph's production, and when it was a success, they continued it! Click below to see the most famous incidents of this rule:

6) All About Santa!

Since it IS Christmas, Santa should be involved. Out of the approximately 15 Christmas cartoons produced by Rankin-Bass, Santa appears in at least 7 of them, and only 4 of them are about the Jesus aspect of Christmas (Little Drummer Boy, Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, The First Christmas and Little Drummer Boy II) Doesn't really help that Santa's personality changes in every special. He's either protrayed as the selfless hero that he is, or he is an enormous dick.

For example, the Hero Santa Claus is seen in Frosty The Snowman (he's the one that saves Frosty and takes him to the North Pole), Santa Claus is Comin' To Town (the origin of Santa Claus is slightly explained), and The Life & Adventures of Santa Claus (another origin of Santa Claus, and the last R-B Xmas toon in Stop-Motion animation). The Dick Santa famously appears in Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and The Year Without a Santa Claus. In both of these cartoons, Santa is self-centered, impotent (refusing to listen/have hot sex with Mrs. Claus), intolerant to freaks (the elves, Rudolph, the Misers, etc), and VERY eager to "Cancel Christmas," even though even if he does stop his journey one year, Christmas comes anyway. The Grinch taught us that one, mister. 

7) Plot Holes

This is a good one. Rudolph has several famous ones: Why is Santa a dick in the first place? What's wrong with the Misfit Dolly? Hermie's name is spelled both "Hermey" and "Hermie"...this is confusing. Who wouldn't want a Cowboy riding an ostritch or an airplane that swims?? Why was such a kickass Flying Lion the ruler of the Island of Misfit Toys? How come the Snowmonster becomes harmless when his teeth are pulled out? He's 5 times bigger than any other character, he should be able to take out everyone with a single swipe of his claw! Where are Clarice's parents and why does no one worry about her?

Even though Santa Claus is Comin' To Town at least tries to answer questions about Santa, there's a few others: Who abandoned Baby Santa? I bet his mom is kicking herself when she found out her her son turned out. (This is a short story idea I have in the works, so don't steal it!); What the hell is a penguin doing at the North Pole? Why no toys allowed in the town? (this one can actually be answered: This story took place in the Reformation period, where powerful Mayors took over monarchies and were usually Lutherans, who viewed toys as "wicked") Why is Jessica Claus so damn hot, only to turn out into the crusty old granny in the other specials?

Then there's Year Without A Santa Claus: Santa is convinced to continue Christmas due to one letter sent by one little girl. What the hell?! He sent his wife & 2 elves to the two Miser Brothers, getting the elves arrested, having mother nature stop the Misers from fighting, and THIS is the only thing that convinces him?! I mean, Come...ON!!!

Lastly, #8) At least 1 Token Gay Character

Come on, you KNOW this one's true. Hermie the Elf = definately gay. "I wanna be a dentist!" Frosty: Closet Case. Giving him a wife and children was a good cover, but I'm not convinced. Nestor the Long-Eared Donkey: Bisexual. He was a freak, and probably fucked anything that moved, but he did manage to have sex with a female to produce the grandson narrating the story in the first place. Then there's Heatmiser. A truer definition of "Flaming" if I ever saw one. Heck, in the new NBC remake airing monday, he's played by Harvey Fierstein! If you don't believe me, scroll up and watch the Heatmiser video again.

And there you have it. Preheat oven at 350 degrees, stir, lick the bowl, rinse, repeat ad nauseum from 2nd half of November to 11:59pm December 25, because 1 minute later everyone gets sick of it for another 10 1/2 months. Sorry to say I will be missing Rudolph & The Frostys...AGAIN! Stupid CVS work. Oh well, there's always the ABC Family marathon eventually.