I have just come home from seeing INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.

To set the scene, let me tell you a little bit about myself and my relation to Indy: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is the greatest film ever made. It's 110 minutes of perfection, even in its tiny imperfections, which after 200+ viewings, I can spot easily. INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM may not be ridiculously great but it's still great. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE is wonderful, despite the rather unfortunate cartoonization of the characters of Marcus Brody and Sallah. Indiana Jones himself is one of the greatest characters ever created.

Which is what makes what I'm going to tell you that much more painful.

For many years, I've been hearing ideas for a fourth Indiana Jones film. Since the mid-90's, when Harrison Ford was still riding pretty fucking high after films like THE FUGITIVE and PATRIOT GAMES, it seems like George "Rape Your Childhood" Lucas has had teams of writers working on an idea for a fourth film. Endless internet rumors about revealing Indy having a brother or being married to Marion Ravenwood or bringing back Willie Scott (which would have been strictly nepotism since she's one of the most reviled characters in the Indy mythos)... all of these abided for years. At various points, writers like Jeff Nathanson (of THE TERMINAL, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, and SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL... ouch...), Jeb Stuart (co-writer of DIE HARD and THE FUGITIVE) and Frank Darabont (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE GREEN MILE, and my favorite film of last year, THE MIST) have all turned in drafts to Lucas. Now, it seems like that this is a game of "One of These Things is Not Like the Other"... but when it finally came to putting a story in gear, who did Lucas pick? Nathanson. That's just fucking scary.

I had been against a fourth film for a long time. Once the turn of the Millenium came, I was steadfast in my belief that a fourth film REALLY shouldn't be made. Harrison Ford is getting a little too old, and I believed that Lucas had apparently gone insane after seeing THE PHANTOM MENACE. Even if they brought back Sean Connery as Henry Jones Sr., I still thought it would be a bad idea. Then came Harry's series of huge flops, one after another: SABRINA, SIX DAYS, SEVEN NIGHTS, THE DEVIL'S OWN, HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE, RANDOM HEARTS... K-19 - THE WIDOWMAKER in which he played a fully Russian-accented submarine commander?!?!? Then came Sean Connery's announcement that he was retiring from acting despite his speculated involvement in a fourth film. That pretty much sealed the deal for me. There was now no way this film was going to get off the ground.

But it did... and rumors and speculation gave way to fact, at least for the most part. I remember last year seeing a 20-second clip of Harry with the fedora and the whip, and all of a sudden, I caught the fever again. They had me. Then came the announcement that Karen Allen was to reprise her role as Marion. Excellent... Then came the initial teaser poster of the crate that supposedly held the Ark of the Covenant with the fedora and the whip draped over it. Fucking cool! Then came the casting of John Hurt (and here's where the speculation came back) as the presumed-dead Abner Ravenwood, Indy's mentor, who would make an interesting stand-in for his real father. Alas, that was not the case in this film. But I digress. Then came the casting of Cate Blanchett, whom I love, as the villainess. Coolness. Then came the casting of Shia LaBeouf as a greaser that would be Indy's youth sidekick. I happen to like Shia. He's a good actor with a good sense of timing. Then came the casting of Ray Winstone, the British powerhouse that appeared in several great films like THE WAR ZONE, SEXY BEAST and COLD MOUNTAIN (no, BEOWULF is not one of them). Everything seemed to be shaping up. David Koepp, a fine writer when he really wants to be, was hired to script it. It just seemed like a sure-fire hit despite the age factor.

Well, it... it just... God, this hurts... it just didn't do it for me.

I woke up late this afternoon to a very grey, gloomy, and rare rainy day here in Chandler. But I was determined to not let the weather get me down, despite the almost 50-degree difference between Tuesday and today. Seriously... 50 degrees difference. I was heading out to see Indy despite the lack of strong positive reviews. Most reviewers seemed to like it, but no one loved it. Nevertheless, I would not be stopped. My parents and I sat and awaited the start of the film. Now, I knew... I KNEW that this film might be in trouble when the very first title card was the Lucasfilm Ltd. logo. It just screamed out at you: This is not a Spielberg film... this is a LUCAS FILM, FUCKERS!!! In all of the other films, the Lucasfilm credit would just appear on-screen after the traditional old-school Paramount logo that dissolves into another mountain-scape. That was good, this was not. Then comes the old-school Paramount logo that dissolves into a... get this... a little mound of dirt with a cute little CG groundhog popping out of it. I suddenly started to wonder if I was in the right theatre. Then comes a quartet of youngsters in their dragster blasting Elvis' "Hound Dog" who inexplicably decide that it would be a good idea to race the lead car in a U.S. ARMY CONVOY!!! I felt like I was going insane. There was no way that this could be the lead-in to an Indiana Jones film.

But it was. And as the subtitle tells us, we are actually and officially in Nevada in 1957... 19 years after LAST CRUSADE. We have aged in real time, folks. And as it turns out, this is not a real U.S. Army convoy... it's a bunch of Russian soldiers. And they have Indy and his grown-up sidekick, Mac (Winstone) in the trunk. They yank them out and suddenly, we are at the same government facility that we saw the crated Ark of the Covenant being rolled into. At the behest of their leader, Irina Spalko (Blanchett, apparently channelling her inner dominatrix), Indy is forced to lead them to a single crate. Weirdness with magnetism ensues (and you're going to stand there and tell me that of all the Russian soldiers there, not ONE of them has a fucking COMPASS?!?!?) and they find it. The crate is ominously marked "Roswell, New Mexico". Then the film kicks it up a gear with a rather spectacular action sequence, which is capped off by Indy walking into what he believes to be a real neighborhood in the middle of the Nevada desert... but it's really a nuclear testing site. How in the hell is Indy going to get out of this one? In traditional Indy fashion, rather inventively.

Afterwards, we find that Indy is under investigation by the FBI because of some of his associations despite that he was in fact a member of the OSS during WWII and he's a national hero. This investigation brings his whole world crashing down when the dean of the college where he works (Jim Broadbent, slumming for a few bucks) tells him that he has to take an indefinite leave of absence. Remember, this is the late fifties, and McCarthyism is at its peak. Everyone is guilty by association.

We get probably what is the best moment of the film when Indy and Broadbent are in his home, as Indy packs to go to London for... whatever reason, and they take a moment to reflect on the passing of Marcus Brody, who was played by Denholm Elliot, who is really dead, and also the apparent death of his father (Connery, and of course not dead). It's a poignant moment, and it works really well, especially with Broadbent making a comment about that they've reached an age where life stops giving you things and starts taking them away.

Then as Indy hops a train that's going to take him to New York so he can catch a flight across the pond, in motors Mutt Williams (LaBoeuf, in a good and entertaining performance) straight out of THE WILD ONE (hog and cap included) and tells him that an old colleague is in danger and his mother has been kidnapped. Indy is the only one that can help. Off to Peru we go, where Indy meets up with his colleague, Professor Oxley (Hurt, channelling his inner muttering-to-himself homeless person) and with Mutt's mother, the former Marion Ravenwood (Allen, who seems to be having a lot of fun here). He also encounters Spalko and Mac and a small cadre of commie assholes as they race to discover the secret of The Crystal Skull.

For an Indy film, there's not a lot of go-for-broke action sequences. There's never really a palpable sense of danger. Just a lot of posturing and punching. There's some people getting dead here, but they're very bloodless deaths. These are VERY far removed from the melting-face, exploding into little chunks deaths, or pulling-heart-out-of-chest deaths. Most of the deaths in this film take place completely off-screen. We hear some machine-gun firing and the camera tracks over lifeless bodies. Indy never even uses his gun, and that pisses me off. I want to see Indy blow someone away here, but I guess that since it's Russians and not Nazis, they're not as deserving of hot lead being pumped into them by Indy's trusty revolver.

The deaths are very much like the film in a lot of respects... mostly bloodless. It feels like something I thought I'd never really see from Spielberg: A vanity project. There doesn't seem to be a lot of passion to tell a story here... just a chance to reunite with old friends, gain a few new ones, and make some bucks, like what the OCEAN'S films have been accused of doing, but hey, at least those are fun and memorable. I felt moments of this film dissolving from my mind while the film was still running. And of course, there are some obvious questions that need answering: Why did Indy and Marion split? They seemed so perfect together. Well, if that's all you want to know, then I recommend this film. Because it does really work to rekindle the flame between these two. If Mutt's mother is Marion... and she's single... who could the father POSSIBLY BE?

I have really three major complaints about this film, and some might be considered small to others but to me, they're as vital as Indy's whip.

First is the score by John Williams. He and Spielberg have worked together for over 30 years, but this is the first film where I never really felt his presence, except when he was using music cues from the other films (there's the Ark theme, Marion's theme, and some moments of the LAST CRUSADE theme). Even over the end credits (which I am staying all the way through for for the remainder of this summer... I don't want a repeat of walking out on IRON MAN), his efforts to melodize the RAIDERS march seem weak, and not filled with the pomp that's required of a John Williams/Steven Spielberg summer film.

Second is the hideous over-use of CGI. It's like Lucas literally knocked Spielberg out, put him in a cryogenic chamber, and decided to direct this film himself. "Ok, let's do a car crash, but let's not use practical effects for it, because that would make sense. Let's just do it in my Industrial Light and Magic studio. You know what? Let's just do the whole thing, actors included, in CG! It's so cool!" Fuck you, Lucas. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. Which is a lot like this film.

Third is... well, the whole goddamn plot of the film. And it all boils down to one word. One word that should never rear its misshapen head in an Indiana Jones film. When we see Indiana Jones, we expect him to be chasing holy artifacts. Or at least important mystical artifacts. What we absolutely do not expect and don't want is encompassed in this one word that fucks the film from the first moment it's implied. And the one word?

ALIENS.

Nuh-uh. And again, this has Lucas' dirty fucking fingerprints all over it. I can just hear his fucking Kermit-the-Frog-ish voice:

Lucas: Since I co-created this character, I want to do with him what I want to do. And what I want to do is aliens.

Assistant: You know, two-time Academy Award nominee and great all-around filmmaker Frank Darabont turned in a really cool one about Atlantis.

Lucas: Well... fuck him. I want aliens.

Assistant: Sir, it's actually quite...

Lucas: ALIENS!!!

You just know that Lucas has developed retard strength.

On his album, "Werewolves and Lollipops", Patton Oswalt did a hilarious bit about wanting to go back in time to 1983 and kill George Lucas. It was funny as hell, but I think Lucas has just added even more ammo to Oswalt's case.

If I want aliens, I will go on July 23rd to see THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE. I don't want it mixed in with my Indy cocktail. And I REALLY don't want it as the main focal point.

CRYSTAL SKULL does leave us with the hint of another film, and that quite honestly frightens me. Why? Because I don't want another one like this. If this were any other film... if this were the first film of a franchise, I might say "Sure, it's good. It shows promise. I liked it. It's pretty breezy and forgettable, but I had fun. Good popcorn movie." But the problem with that sentiment is that since this is an INDIANA JONES film, that popcorn-film bar is automatically raised. This is supposed to be the ULTIMATE in Summer Entertainment. If an Indiana Jones film (especially one you've been waiting NINETEEN FUCKING YEARS FOR) isn't the best, or close to the best, you've got a big problem. You can't make an Indy film into a throwaway. It has to create memories. It has to be something you want to relive as often as possible.

And INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL just doesn't do that.

Do yourself a favor and go and see IRON MAN again. Don't sully your perfect memories of Indiana Jones with this film.

Some dreams weren't meant to come true. And in this specific case, this shouldn't have even been dreamed in the first place.