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Current mood:  angry Category: Life
Females are still treated like 2nd class citizens in the eyes of the judicial system. From the time that you are a little girl you are told that the correct way to conduct yourself as a lady is to get married and have children, your career should be on the back burner. This is considered the 'right' way to live. However, what no one mentions is that in some cases your husband turns out to be no man at all, and walks out on you and your children. They also don't tell you that while you have been the one who stayed home and took care of the children you are legally entitled to nothing. Your husband can abandon you, cheat on you, be mentally or physically abusive, stalk and harass you, have a drug and alcohol addiction, and still never have to take responsibility for anything.
The court systems protect the ex-husbands citing that any accusations you may have are just those of a disgruntled wife. Their hopes for these women is not that they succeed in their quest for justice but that they eventually give up the fight so that they no longer have to deal with them.
I write this because I am one of those women who fall between the cracks of the system, because it is apparently easier to side with a would-be criminal such as my ex-husband. I understand that no matter how squeaky clean my record and/or conscience is, the legal systems we have in place will inevitably defend his 'rights' further than my own.
A question I pose is, "Why defend the rights of those who don't respect and uphold the law?" This doesn't limit itself, in my mind, to judicial law but also includes moral law as well.
In my situation I married at 22 years of age, owned all of my own things, had a career, had gone to college, and hadn't even gotten a ticket to tarnish my name. My ex-husband was 20, had a long standing drug and alcohol addiction, struggled to keep his job and finish trade school, owned nothing, moved from his parents home to my home, and had a record already accumulated before I met him.
Soon after we got married we found out that I was pregnant. Our baby was planned and my ex and I agreed that I would stay home with our child. He used to tell people I was not allowed to work.
Throughout our marriage we struggled to maintain as many times we had to borrow money from my parents to cover costs of things. One part being from his irresponsibility in racking up tickets and fines; and the other part to his inability to curb his spending. Mind you…during all this I was growing our child while trying to maintain our finances and rebuild our credit. He on the other hand was growing angry wishing he could be out partying with his friends. There were even times when he wouldn't allow me to pay certain bills because he wanted the money for something else. "I work, it's all my money!" he would tell me. Later he used this in court saying I never paid the bills and he didn't know what I had done with all the money.
As time passed his anger became a large problem his lies another. I suggested counseling or we weren't going to make it. He agreed to go but wanted individual counseling. He always told me that he was dealing with a lot of guilt from all the things he had done in the past. His lies, drug abuse, attitude, sexual behaviors, and problems with his also drug addicted parents. Looking back, he got away with a lot even staged a break in at his parents house while he still lived there just to steal their marijuana. When he told me about the incident he just laughed because his father couldn't declare the drug on the police report as it is illegal to have. He seemed to have no remorse over the things he'd done still claiming that he was 'just having fun.'
After anti-depressants were prescribed he took them and curbed his urge to throw things and yell, for a while. I started to notice he was drinking more and when I went to order his medication refills he hadn't been taking them. He quit going to counseling shortly after that. Things at home got bad. He was yelling again, threatening suicide, saying I was "just a housewife and had no right to a brain", and told me several times that he really just wanted to hit me a lot of the time. Then to make up for all the drinking binges I put up with he traded in my car that I had owned for 9 years for a more suitable family vehicle. Something with 4 doors that was still under warranty.
Two weeks later and three days after our two year wedding anniversary he packed up and left me. This came out of nowhere being as the week before I had packed up my things and my sons to leave and he begged me to stay. "I can't live without you, please don't leave me, I can't lose you." He said.
I was crushed. How could a man that I had loved so much and loved me so much just walk away? Apparently very easily. He made so many promises and didn't keep one of them. Including the promise that he would still take care of our son and pay for our housing and vehicle. I got the same speech everyone else gets, "I'll always love you, I'm just not in love with you." And "I promise there is nobody else, I'll be single forever. I wouldn't do that to you." Of course I later found out there was someone else and he had been seeing her for months with a huge assist from his parents.
I tried to let him see our son but his old ways were quickly returning. I had gotten information that he was back on some of the drugs that he was doing before we got together. He still lied all the time and it was increasingly difficult to get him to see our son. I called him one morning to let him know our 16 month old was sick and I was taking him to the hospital. He replies "ok call me if it gets worse." And still we had no money to cover our expenses.
During the time we were starting proceedings I was also in eviction court. My son and I were evicted and had nowhere to go. He didn't even show up at the hearing. If it hadn't have been for my family paying the debt that was mostly his, my child and I would have been out in the street. Here I was 24 in divorce court, with a child on my hip, no money, no degree, and fighting disability.
My ex was now stalking my house and illegally getting into my locked mailbox. At this point he had said so many cruel things and been so under-handed I just wished he would leave me alone. I would call to make a police report and be told "you're still married he has that right", "it's not illegal for him to do that", or "he hasn't actually hit you so there's nothing we can do." I couldn't get help.
He obviously filed first because he had taken all the money and told me that I was worthless and would never get any of his money. He also told me that he didn't care what happened to me and our son. Initially he filed that he wanted my car though he had his own. He said he wanted custody of our son with me paying him child support. Citing the reason for requesting the divorce was that I was guilty of extreme cruelty and gross neglect of duties.
He tried to tell me that he wasn't trying to obtain any of those things but admitted he went for custody so that he would be granted the car. We went to court two times at first one for temporary orders where they granted me custody and the vehicle and he was sent for a drug test. We had conversations about him 'beating' the test and of course he said I couldn't prove it. Our second court date was to establish visitation because he 'passed' his drug test. He again asked for the car. All this time I insisted on supervised visitation and they ignored my requests. I had also asked that my ex have to go through a rehab facility for some help. They granted the assessment but he was never made to go.
After he had visitation four times (every Saturday for 4 hours) it had become ridiculous. Several instances when I would pick up my son I would find him sitting alone while his father was in another room watching television. He was usually playing with a questionable 'toy', or his father would appear to be under the influence of some substance.
I had asked him not to bring his girlfriends around our son until he had developed a relationship with him. From what I can see he believed that 12 hours of visitation in 5 months was plenty of time. I showed up to get my son to find him running toward the street, his father's back toward him as he was engrossed in conversation with his girlfriend and her family (keep in mind that we were still legally married). As I am walking up the driveway I hear this girl who is a 19 year old unwed mother making threats to me. My ex then grabbed our son and told her to carry out those threats.
He had gone into the home and was hiding the beer he had been drinking. As he told them in court that he no longer drank. When he came outside he handed me our son and started an argument with me hoping that his girlfriend would come to his rescue. After that I filed a motion in court for supervised visitation fearing for the safety and well being of my child. I withheld visitation pending the hearing but the case was never heard per his attorney's request. They did however allow them to hold me in contempt of court.
The final hearing was decided some six months after he left. They gave him everything except for custody. But I got my son with a contingency that I not protect him for 6 months, I like to think of it as a parenting probation. As long as I didn't upset my ex I could have my son. He got his 401k, not even half of the marital debt, the car that was meant for me and my child, and he didn't even have to increase his child support even though he was making $6.00 more and hour than he declared. He doesn't even have to carry our son's health insurance because they say it is too expensive for him. I'm guessing they didn't want to cut in to his partying budget.
I was granted a vehicle that he bought after the separation that wasn't an automatic and I've never driven a standard shift. It wasn't 4 doors, was missing a window and various other parts, didn't have most of the dashboard, had no heat, and the worst part is it didn't even run. My ex-husband bought it for $50.00. Before I even got the chance to file my objection my ex was already calling me harassing me about the car exchange. I told him he would have to wait because the order gave me 10 days and I was taking it. When I filed the objection I was told that this action stopped the orders that were just given.
The day before the exchange was to take place he called a few more times to tell me he wanted the car. I informed him that he could not have it because of the objection and not to come to my home. The next morning there was a knock at my door I saw standing at my front door 2 sheriff deputies, my ex, his father, and a tow truck driver. I opened the door and without introduction the deputy says "You will give him his car." They never asked me any questions and didn't listen to any explanations either. They told me that either way I would be in contempt for not giving him the car. I had been backed into a corner. They gave me no choices and treated me disrespectfully going as far as to say I could not call my mother to have her there with me and my child. I called her anyway.
The vehicle I got was towed in and dumped though I tried to make them take it away they refused. The deputies said it was my car in the court order and laughed. I said that I was supposed to get a car that runs. They told me they couldn't see in the papers where it said it had to run. The report they made was very one sided. They even claimed I was 'in a rage'. I assure you I was not. I will admit I was upset and I reacted in a manner that anyone else would when they are in the midst of an intimidating situation. They relied on that. Had I have been in a 'rage' as they suggested, I would have choked my ex.
The system counts on you losing your cool. I maintain that anyone who is pushed to a certain point will finally tire of it and fight back. If I were criminally minded and possessed a penis, I would not have been treated unfairly…my rights would have been considered.
It's sickening that he was allowed to leave a vehicle in that shape for our son's transportation and take the one that is rightfully mine to make sure he can get back to the bars on Saturdays and go to his drug dealer's house. This way he can be baked and hung over when he picks up our son. That doesn't even include the recreational activities he engages in when he has our child there with him or the company he is keeping. He decided to call after he got the car to get just one last jab in. Saying that finally I had a vehicle that was worth the same that I was and that after my display he wouldn't bring my baby back to me when he had visitation.
He said the law was on his side and I just needed to accept it. He continued even blaming me for our child not having proper transportation and said I was no longer able to provide for him without a car. The footprints on the top of the car were courtesy of him because he "didn't want to step in the mud".
Through all this I am not finished; I will not let this break me. I am going to keep fighting in hopes that no one else becomes a victim. Our children deserve better and safer laws. If we will not speak for our babies who will? If the law does not stand by us; the mothers that stayed, that cared for, that protected their children then the laws need to be changed. The justice system is supposed to have dignity but not at the expense of those who are weak and somewhat broken.
I have filed a complaint about the officers' conduct and I filed a report yet again about my ex's behavior. I plan on getting a protection order to keep my son and I safe until I can be granted supervised visits for him. I will probably be in further contempt but I can not help to show contempt for a system that is supposed to protect our children and doesn't. It is my job and God given right to protect my child at all costs this includes protecting myself.
I say to you, never give up. They want you to and they can not be allowed to win. Change laws that don't serve you, refuse to be broken. DO NOT STOP UNTIL YOU ARE HEARD! And remember Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.</FONT>
9:35 PM
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