Thanks to City of New York, restaurant owners now face fines, imprisonment, and eventually death if they choose not to comply with a new law banning Crisco oil, largely because Mayor Bloomberg is more of a salad fan. In a speech today (before which was served healthful flax seed muffins, no-caffeine chicory, and cruelty free napkins) Bloomberg layed out the other items that annoy him, which he will also ban using the force of his Alice-the-Maid-type government.
- Restrictive Pants: Bloomberg finds them to be "all pinchy" and "not healthy at all."
- Racquet Balls: "I got hit in the eye with one once. It hurt. You're gone, racquet balls."
- Stones Larger Than Six Ounces: "There's no call for them," he fumes. "Accidentally kick one and just see how much your toe likes it. We can accomplish all we need to stone-wise with those smaller -- and safer -- than the brutish 7- and 8-ouncers."
- Cigar Box Juggling: "Frighteningly dangerous, what with those fellows in brightly colored clothes flinging around those sharp edged boxes all willy-nilly. You all ought to feel darn good and lucky I let you play with the bean bags. Getting hit by one of those things is no trip to Hollywood either, you know? And don't smirk at me, mister. I see you smirking - think I wasn't a kid once, I don't know how you roll your eyes at me when you think I'm not looking? I'll pass a law that will keep you in this weekend and we'll see if you smirk quite so much when you're in your room and your friends are out playing stick ball -- oh, wait. I banned stick ball, didn't I?"