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Current mood:feet in the clouds, head on the ground
"Nobody ever said this was going to be easy." -who the hell knows who said it, but whoever did was on to something.
I can't explain what's happening to me, and maybe that's why they call it growing up; because after all, when someone grows into something they are becoming something and although they don't cease to be who they were before, they do certainly change, sometimes more profoundly and others not so greatly. The facts are these: I've just been to Europe for the first time, Norway to be more accurate, and an even closer shot would be an apartment in Trondheim rented out to two girls, two women, and the reasoning behind the trip is not what most would consider to be orthodox or even possible. I can say this safe as anyone 'cause I find it hard to believe to this day when I write this very piece. The only difference is that I actually took the dive, despite the unknown depth of the water, without knowing just how fast it was flowing, or even knowing if I had it within myself to get out of it on the other side, crawling or proudly marching, I dove into the river because I saw the Life there on the other side. That's what actually happened, but what it caused is something more obscure.
There is a Life across that river, and I've had my eyes on it firsthand and I've been able to touch it with my own two hands and I've inspected it thoroughly with my imagination and with my rhyme and my reason. One would think that the easiest thing to come to any of us would be to simply take what's so great as to pass such intense scrutiny with flying colors and make it one's own and never let it go, but the reality is something so much more sinister than that. I say sinister because it would appear that the universe works in such wonderful ways simultaneously with its most despicable of ways, all too often at the same exact time with the same exact things.
Getting what you want and what you need are certainly discernable from the outside perspective in, and even by those involved with some astute effort from the mind, but when the line can not be drawn, is that to say that a line must be still? I seriously doubt that it's necessary for us to always have distinctions between the two, and certainly in the identification of it between the fine borders of love and hate, of need and of lust...but being as dim as I am on the subject, I suppose I'm a little out of unbiased perspective. By that I mean, of course, that I am impossibly on one side of it; impossibly because there is no way anything will bring me to the other. As immature and adolescent it appears for me to say such things, it doesn't bother me any because the appearances have proven to be nothing but a hinderance and unnecessary. It was these appearances everyone worries about so much that were the invisible wall barring two people from being together because they've never met and have never been to eachother's countries of residence. Forgive the ranting, whoever is reading this right now, but I'm so sick of the weight given to the surface of everything that just lies atop things which really make a difference because it hangs very heavily upon them. When people look into what they believe and leave perspective, relative rationality, and consideration for the fact that some people aside from them have their own minds and can come up with their own definitions for things out of the picture, this is what happens and what is actually there underneath it all can sometimes even get affected at the very source if those holding it up don't have the will to resist and to struggle to keep things their way. I'll be more open: Kari is on my top friends list, so you can see who she is there and her profile is public if you want to know anything about her as a person because if I do it I'll probably just make everyone sick with words that look and smell like perfumed roses on a white gold platter lying on her body. She's the person of whom I speak, this Life across the river I had and had to leave lies with her, and she was the reason for making the dive that I did. The appearances I'm talking about are those that say that their uneducated judges are too narrow-minded to realise that what we have together *can* be and already *is* the result of meeting not just over the internet, but over WoW no less. I know how crazy it *sounds* to the ears, but unless you're me or you're her, there isn't a single way that the roots of the situation could be used as a reason for what does exist already not to. Even so, I feel myself like it's somewhat of an embarrassment sometimes. That maybe I'm incapable or unwilling to make such connections face to face because of what lies behind me in my life and the fears it has all manifested in me, or perhaps that something better could be lurking just around the corner because I haven't met every single face on the Planet and the odds are against me. Lucky for me, it's a simple matter of my mind over the bullshit because I know the truth: the truth is that what will become of us will always be, and nothing could change it because everything which is to be can only be that which is. Nothing that will be is not of what is, and not a single law of science or religion could disprove that. Everything which is came to be and everything which will be already is, the only matter is that of becoming. The transitions over time which all things experience is the result of the lack of agelessness in the world, but nothing ever truly changes because it is all of everything; everything that is can be nothing but everything, and everything is certainly nothing because who are we to suggest that everything that exists truly is? Of course, there are opposing arguments to this, as with all arguments in existence and in imagination.
......paging all dualists......
The trouble here is that although I know this to be true, she whom I share it with does not see with me eye to eye on the subject. I believe that what will be between us will be simply because it is, because it must be so and there is no other way because the Way has brought us to where we are today and we can be nowhere but where we are, and where we will be is right where we stand because the ground beneath us never truly moves, we only move it with us. She believes that although the path walked has brought us to where we are right now, there was a myriad of other paths which could have met our feet along the way because no one goal can be concrete and no one method can be proven; at no one time can truth be understood completely because there will always be the possibility that truth has been shaped or altered, nothing can truly be known to her because there will always be the plausible doubt that nothing even exists and nothing could ever prove otherwise. There inlies a problem on the surface, and although I did say something with respect to appearances being taken with too little salt by those uninvolved, this is a case where in reality a difference really does make issues. It's not something I'd trade though, that is a definite fact. I would never be completely comfortable sharing in such efforts as I am currently undergoing, nor would I dare to bear such stresses as they bring with anyone who lives within the same boundaries of understanding on such a basic fundamental level because I would never feel that anything was getting done. This is of course abit of a conundrum for a few reasons, the most prominent being that if one knows the outcome of a given situation, why must motivation be given in order to see him through to it? Things like this are the result of simple being human, and there is nothing for us to do to get around them because to deny any respect to these needs is absolutely inhuman and somewhat cruel to ourselves.
What drives me so greatly, however, is not simply what differences (however seemingly slight or great, that's your poor perception if you think they're either) lie within us so much as the ideal generated because of how these differences came to be realised in the first place. We met on grounds of acquaintance just teetering on the line of friendship and barely knowing one another outside of gender and invented names in a make-believe world, and within hours of making in depth communication, the teetering became a full-fledged tip in one direction, and not in that of friendship. Perhaps this was a problem and now lurks in hiding and waiting to arise once again at an inopportune moment for the both of us when we least expect...I have been in a situation before when friendship was out of the question and everything else was still accepted and expected because there simply was no other way. This is not the case, since we have these differences in philosophy, and there is such great benefit to it because in the foundation of my aspirations to make this new Life materialize I find myself no longer questioning what is to come. I feel a clarity wash over me instead, giving an open perspective on what is and what will be and the ability to recognise that the two are one and the same. I owe this not only to the Way itself for bringing me to where I am, but to myself for having the courage to believe and to build a faith from nothing strong enough to make the church's zealots tremble in doubt, and to Kari for remaining ever poised to make clear the presence of doubt in her mind and in the Cartesian eye of her beliefs. Without such freedom of expression and without such a will to openly state the opposing argument when I see and say nothing other than that which I hold to be fact, I could never stand as firmly as I do on this ground which I hold because I would have lost my interest by now. I would have given up simply because I would have had no reason to try, no adversity to overcome. Now that the river has been crossed, however, and I have met this new Life and have decided to make it mine, there is no longer a need for it so much as there is an encouragement for it to remain as fuel for my continuing journey. The sustenance brought about by the differences in philosophy is more than I could have ever conceived, and I would never wish them to dissipate because they are a part of who we have become together, they are as much a part of me now as they are of her self.
What is most interesting about this is probably the least obvious from reading this bit, but the most obvious when watching the two of us together: different as we might be on these mental levels, we are truly so much alike it's unbelievable. I had imagined for a very long time that not only do opposites attract, they are meant to remain together because just as magnets do, and just as the Planet herself is held together, poles have the most ground between one another, thus leading to the most to be covered and a never-ending supply of struggles and learning experiences. What I know now is that basing any relationship on the progress of up and coming issues, as well as any there at the time, is completely wrong because not only is it mainly a human institution to perceive dramatics like these, it can never be predicted that these issues will ever exist at all, though it can be easy to see whether or not the end will be the result of death of both of the lovers. I am more alike to Kari than anyone else I have ever known in my entire life, and I have known many people indeed. This amazes me both because it's just amazing for anyone to find someone alike to themselves, but for *me*? I'm not sure who of those who might read this have actually met me and know who I am and know enough about me to make a halfway decent judgement about my character or my life (pretentious morons, the lot of you), but there has never been anyone I've actually met who is very alike to me in more ways than just one or two aspects of life. This is because they have been impossible to find, even when I thought it would be a good idea to look. It was only when I decided to stop looking altogether that the Way brought me to where I am now.
I have more to say about this but it's escaping me because I've been up for eighteen hours now and I know I've got a sleepless day ahead of me to get some sleep tonight, and I don't want to end up saying something I'd regret, because my thoughts are wandering from the scrupulous public tongue to that of what I'd use if I were in bed now with the only one I want to be in it with. There I go, starting already...sorry.
If anyone even reads all this...say something, please. I know I seem very inclined to burn terribly any points of view that want to give opinion on my situation of being back on the other side of the river, gazing and thinking about the Life on the other side...but I'd like some input...I don't really have anyone else talking to me about this because I've been keeping to myself and to Kari alone, and I don't really know how to bring this out for opinion because the way I usually do it doesn't seem to fit for some odd reason.
9:43 PM
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