"BAD JOKES..."
(corrections and continuations of Helias' story)
by Jonathan Toth from Hoth



The "FREE HELIAS" Rally is cancelled (or postponed) due to the fact that he is out on bail and heading to Maryland to get married. Here is the story of how it happened over the last 24-hours...

After the news reports dropped, I got inundated with calls and texts from old friends/schoolmates from all over the country. I was emailing at the St. Louis Bread Company in U-City, when I got a call from []-[]'s case worker. She told me he was able to pay most of the bail himself with cash he had on him, and the rest I could withdraw from his bank. I came to the St. Louis County Jail around 2pm to get his bank card from the clerk at the bail desk. "Oh, we got a celebrity aboard," she said once she recognized his name. She joked about the hilarity of the situation and had her assistant get his things. Once his bail was paid, she let me know he would be ready in about two hours.

I stopped in Barrister's of Clayton where I enjoy all the soccer channels on a regular basis. I was right in the middle of the Barcelona/Atletico Madrid game, when I looked up at one of the other TVs and saw CNN broadcasting the KMOV Channel 4 news version of his story. Wow.

[]-[] called at 4:30 and I picked him up. Here's his story:
It turns out I paraphrased his comment wrong. When asked to put his laptop away, he asked the stewardess, "do you check the shoebombs too?" Upon seeing the look on her face, he quickly added, "just kidding, just kidding!" She replied, "that's not funny sir!" but walked away nonchalantly. Two minutes later, he was dragged out on his face.

Once the Federal Marshals pulled him by his neck into the security rooms, he was badgered and intimidated like a criminal. They looked up his history of occasional stupidness (graffiti vandal in his teens, driving without a license and a couple other minor offenses) and ridiculed him. He cracked jokes and was incredulous to what was going on. At one point, one of the marshals told him he better "button his lip or else he would button it for him." []-[] asked him what that would look like. This marshal began taking off his gear letting him know how serious he was. []-[] said, "you know, if you take off that badge, your just another guy." After taking off the badge, Helias reminded the officer, "these ARE jokes you know." Pummel, pummel, pummel...he was then taken to a hospital out by St. Charles to examine his wounds. That was nice of them.

Next stop was the St. Louis County Jail. Grape vines are funny...especially in the prison system. He was being called a "terrorist" amongst other things, and he was amazed at how he ended up just being considered another criminal to all of the staff. After screaming that he needed witnesses to see how much cash he had on him, he was grateful that some stepped forward to acknowledge that the $500 cash he had on him was indeed his. He'd had his money stolen by cops before, and he wasn't interested in having it happen again.

After more roughing up and badgering (verbal and physical) he was strip searched, de-loused, made to wear some form of prison dress (like literally a dress) and was thrown in solitary for being a "terrorist." He screamed at them out the six-inch hole in the door, "but I'm not a terrorist! I'm an asshole! There's a fucking difference!"

The next two hours sucked.
The following four were worse.
By the end of the day, he was not sleeping in his five foot by five foot by five foot cell, with no windows and little light. He asked for a blanket because he was freezing and was told to fuck off.
He also couldn't sleep because he was stuck between two other inmates who turned out to be musicians. On one side, he had a wack gangsta rapper who freestyled for hours about "guns, cash and bitches son..." and on the other side was an R&B singer who sang the same off-key notes over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...
By the middle of the night he was hallucinating. He did an hour long rendition of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson using the acoustics of the cell to create some cool snares and kicks while humming the bass line and singing the melody.

The following day, they gave him gruel for breakfast...Oliver Twist style.
A cockroach showed up and he was sooooo grateful he finally had someone to talk to. He told his new friend about how beautiful his fiance' was. He told him about his music and what he accomplishing with the rest of us at the Frozen Food Section. He told him some funny anecdotes about his past and at some point, "Roachie" returned the favor, telling him, "life's a bitch, but that bitch is still beautiful." That broke the depression.

[]-[] realized he was okay, and everything would be okay. Michelle loved him and still wanted to marry him.

After two days in solitary, he was brought up to the main block of the prison. He entered a large room full of about 30 gangbangers, all around the age of twenty. When one of them noticed him, he tapped his partner and pointed at []-[]. Another did the same...and another. "Oh fuck," he said out loud, thinking he was about to die or lose his anal virginity. Then the applause began. First one, then another, then another, then the whole block clapped for him. Inmates in the adjoining smaller cells began jumping up and down, screaming "You da man Uni-bomber!" He didn't know his story had gone national, and the prisoners were allowed to watch C-SPAN, so they recognized him. He was invited to sit down for checkers. He lost every game, and he was very grateful.

His time there was interrupted by a big bailiff who came in and shouted "SHAFERMEYER!!!" After looking up and answering, the large officer said, "you made bail." []-[] thanked his fellow inmates for the stimulating games and got the fuck out.

The first thing he wanted to do after I picked him up was eat some real food. We went to Mi Ranchito at Kingsland and Vernon in U-City. When we reached the bar, a patron looked up and said, "I know that dude from the TV," and once I walked up he said, "yeah, and that's his partner who defended him!" The rest of the bar recognized us as well and we were served food and drink on their tabs. The first man talked our ears off about how right it was for []-[] to be able to speak his mind, how right it was for me to have defended him. "You don't find friends like that just anywhere man." He was so grateful that []-[] had been himself regardless of rules that said you couldn't even joke about bombs. I gave him one of the last copies of me and Space's albums, "Circumsizing the Industry" (with Helias on all the scratches) and we left in high spirits.

We headed to Columbia, Missouri so []-[] could get yelled at by his dad and catch a train to Maryland. On the way there, []-[] wanted to make a stop in Wentzville for some more Russian eggnog. At the Schnuck's we asked one of the cashier's where the eggnog was and she pointed us in the right direction. Only seeing the big bottles, Helias asked where he could find a smaller one. "Isn't that what got you into trouble in the first place?" she said smiling. WOW. She checked us out and we left smiling.

Almost to Columbia, []-[] was interviewed over the phone by KMOV Channel 4. Helias did a great job of cracking off-kilter yet incisive jokes about the situation like, "I believe in America, not this culture of fear, and especially not one that would imprison me for a bad joke. Shit, this country's been in one bad joke for eight years and their not putting the author of that one in jail...HA HA! Jokes! Just jokes folks." When asked what he was being charged with, he said, "well I believe the correct term is, I am a 'flight risk.' (drumroll/crash)" It was refreshing to hear the reporter sympathetic to []-[], totalling the public gage so far to 100% on his side.

Dad was unhappy. That made []-[] unhappy. Then there were no trains available. That was hard too, but he got over it after listening to Jabari Robinson's new album on the way back to St. Louis to catch a bus to Maryland. The evening ended with a cherry on top, when we found that Calc2 (Peter Seay) had left us copies of his new publication/skater magazine "Shit Yeah" for us at the Cooler (available at all skateboard shops in St. Louis). That was like, "shit yeah." Then sleep.