Anyone reading this should understand that I only post blogs when things really have an affect on me whether they be good or bad, usually really good or really bad. That is what I am and when I am inspired to do so, or to blow off some steam or to share something really cool. It is who I am and I have never pulled any punches in my life, especially with myself. I think it is part of being bipolar, but who gives a fuck, it is me.... high highs and low lows. So with that said there is a bit more I wanted to vent about, read it or don't, it is what it is, it is where my head is.

All of this started with the failure of my business, started the ball rolling and it has not been gaining speed, it has been a slow roll, maybe a downward spiral in control, well... partial control.

I guess middle age, the realization that you are in it makes you reassess things. Makes you look at your life, see where you have been and where you are going, or not going. I don't give a fuck what anyone says, getting older sucks fucking dick. Dealing with people on a daily basis that are in their early 20's and talking about shit that happened before they were born makes you realize, makes me realize how old I am getting. Am I alone, of course not, but I am talking about my revelations and realizations, not anyone elses. 

Is this it? There is no figuring out shit in life, there is no enlightenment with age. It is just becoming comfortable within yourself. It is accepting things for what they are and being ok with it. But, what if you aren't ok with it? What if you go fighting and screaming the entire way? You can only fight so long before you eventually get beat down. Ever see Cool Hand Luke? He died, remember?

I know some of this talk makes people uncomfortable, yeah... me too. But fuck it. It also pisses me off, confuses me, upsets me, makes me sad and stirrs shit up inside I wish it never did.

It's also a very fun thing when your ex-wife says (not trying to be mean or hurtfull, just matter of factly) sounds like you have taken a giant leap backwards.... and you know it is so fucking true, that it cuts you to the bone.

The thought of starting over in so many ways..... just really makes me tired, yes... this is whining like a little bitch, tough shit... this is my thoughts, go read someone else's shit or better yet, go masturbate.

I haven't been a great dad. My daughter hasn't spoken to me for about a quarter of her life. Part her fault, part mine... but, yes... I am the adult, well now we both are, but point is made. We have, or she has always had a love hate relationship with me. I think she gets me, but she doesn't. Is that her fault? I am fucked up, how is she supposed to get that? How is she supposed to understand that? She has been an adolescent teenage girl, she is now 20, how am I supposed to get that? I hated my sister at that age. My first love, at that age, it was hard and filled with confusion and fighting and feelings beyond my understanding then... and now to be honest. But I think then they are, were, so new and never experienced before that it was magnified by 1000+. Point being, I have never understood women, and more so, women of the teen age type. I just hope the damage isn't forever, but the time, the years lost are forever..... and with the thoughts of leaving, it makes it that much harder.

Did you ever know you had been with the hottest person you will ever be with and you have no chance of topping it ever again? You topped out, so to speak... Yes, very shallow. But, I am a guy and it is all part of my make up, so fuck off. And yes, I have met better girls and all that... and one in particular that I would do just about anything for, but .............. not the point.

I get tired of being alone at times. Being single for the last 8 years has had it's good points and it's bad. But like everything else, I have made these choices in my life and it is so lame of me to bitch or whine about it when it has been my choice. You can't have that when you want it, or only when you want or feel you need it.

But reading the last 2 paragraphs.... one is reason for the other, in a way.

Believe it or not, I do feel much better right now, but it doesn't change anything.... or is it all just in my fucking head, a great mind fuck I am doing to myself?     

The years just fly by faster and faster. My mother always said that the older you get the faster it goes (time) and that is no fucking shit.

Part of what has made my life good, and made my life interesting is what makes things so unsure as well. Flying by the seat of your pants, going where the wind takes you, open for any experiences regardless of the consequences... cool, fun, exciting.... also makes for no roots, instability and no plan for the future.

Makes me feel like a fucking pussy. But you find out that life is harder than you ever thought sometimes. Telling yourself that things always work out..... and they have seemed to, but what if.....

I have had a pretty good life.... I shouldn't complain. sigh..........

I am not, nor have I ever looked for anyone's sympathy. I am just venting.

I will probly delete both of these posts soon....