Well Life's always been crazy for me, but recently shat has definitely hit the fan...I believe God wants the best for me...I believe life's not always fair and I certainly believe you can always make the best out of what's handed to you and you create your situations.. BUT things I never thought I'd get is love and death or how things got to this point...this is my story and things you most likely didn't know about me...I want everyone in my life to know...beware this is a long one..

    My life's always been pretty dang good...growing up I had two awesome parents I looked up to and always were there for me and did everything for me. A big family that were all hero's to me and I loved very much...I played sports, went to a small Christian school had good friends growing up and went to church every weekend since I could remember...I was always a little dorky and never that smart, but hell I loved life!!! Everything was brilliant and innocent...I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to! EVEN FLY (when I was a youngin)!! ....As I got older things got more confusing...I learned my parents weren't perfect...the church had more problems than I thought was allowed...I wasn't good enough for my friends I grew up with they eventually disappeared...I learned my "magic cape" would never make me fly...and I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore...sure as hell  couldn't ever win a spelling bee much less get an A on my tests :op...I was lost...hurt, confused, frustrated wanting things to be back how they were..."perfect". As I grew into a blossoming young teenage lady I then figured I'd take control of what I didn't understand and make my own reality...I thought I was so flippin smart!!!! GOD was I mistaken. Now, I am not gonna go totally into it, but I did some dumb a$$ ish ...I am surprised I came out ok haha! I thought the dumbest people were cool...I thought smoking pot, and drinking made me an independent adult...Sex was this new cool toy I could play with and no consequences would ever come from it...I was a not so good person to say the least. I disobeyed everything I Had learned and fought with my parents everyday it seemed...nothing was good…had my first devastating heart break I never thought I'd get over… I just wanted to die. I hated who I had become and thought my life was OVER! I tried to kill myself a few times because I thought that would stop the pain and somehow by God's grace he saved me...I wasted a lot of time and hurt a lot of people...honestly, I was searching so hard for the answers of life, I forgot what life was all about...simply just loving myself and life for what it is...relying on God to do what was best for me.

    The second most devastating, life changing moment was when my father Died when I was 17. I thought that I was getting back on track...I had gotten rid of the friends that were holding me back...started loving my parents again how I should. I didn't want to die anymore and I Had started dating someone who actually "respected" me... I had asked my dad to pick me out an outfit for my date that night (even though it made me giggle I loved wearing it, never got to tell him that)...I had totally forgotten dad and I were supposed to hang out that night, so I asked him to postpone it to the day after and we would spend the whole day together... just to spend some long over due time with my father. That night I stayed up all night talking to this new found "love" of mine until 5 in the morning when my father had a sudden massive heart attack...My mother was out of town and I tried my usual trying to take control of the situation...tried to give him CPR and revive him, but he was too big...I called 911 and they got there in a time that seemed like FOREVER...to say the least I was not the least bit happy. They took him to the hospital calling me shortly after telling me he was in critical condition...So I went down there to be with him on the way praying to God that he would save him and I would do anything. I truly believed in my heart God would do that. When I got there they told me what room he was in and I walked in the dark room (by myself) and saw him on the bed uncovered hooked up to machines...I walked closer and touched him and he was cold as ice. I jumped back and started yelling at him to wake up...I went into shock...the doctor and nurse ran in and stared at me in shock. I asked twice if he was dead and they told me yes and walked out. From then on God was my enemy and I didn't trust what God wanted...because there was no reason at all to take my role model away from me or make my family hurt like this. WHY? That was my main question. I had a tough issue sleeping for years after, having horrible dreams and I was afraid of the dark. I began to think I could see and feel demons 24/7 and they were after me to kill me. In the car, shower, at work...I couldn't be alone anywhere without freaking. It got to the point I slept with the lights on or heavy night lights...my boyfriend had bought me ten night lights and I used every single one of them in every dark corner of my room until recently. Feeling death that close and breathing someone's last breathe with them is something that will literally haunt you in every aspect of your life...I went into my bedroom to sleep a few months ago and I was still scared, but FED UP! I was tired of letting these "demons" Rule my life...SO I looked at where I thought they were and told them to go away! I wasn't afraid of death anymore I didn't care what they did...that my life was ruled by god and not satan! That night I turned off all my night lights closed my eyes and had the best sleep in a long time...I had to let go of my fear and anger...those were my real demons...I created what I thought I couldn't control, but in the end I control how something effects me. My father would never want me to hurt because I tried to save him...I think he'd be proud...now I live up to his name sake! Making him proud...And besides I can say I got to give him his last kiss him good bye. Ya can't control anything more than what your next choice is going to be that day...comforting somewhat...stop worrying...enjoy yourself love to your fullest...don't ever put people off...love everyone around you..might be their last day.

    I had life going how I wanted it to for the past year...I started working towards a career I was loving...I was in love...I had good friends...roller derby...a nice car...healthy...I felt pretty and smart...I must admit I didn't put trust in God...I didn't have faith he'd do what was best for me...so I made all my own decisions and put faith in only myself...seeing a pattern yet? Yea...I am a stubborn hard head! If ya didn't know that already ;o) I made some stupid decisions about life and death...I started trying to find God again when I realized I was lost and sad without him...I was ready to change everything and go for God...

     My life has now come to a screeching halt...I was diagnosed with cancer this past week and they can't cure. I have hundreds of little tumors in each one of my lungs..one in my back and breast.. It's the rarest of the rare. Only .6% percent of cancer patients have had it meaning there haven't been enough studies on it for a cure and no treatments they have will stop it...so where does that leave me..with a ten to fifteen year life expect antsy ...Or as I was told. Where does this leave my heart? Broken...my brain is full of questions, and my body wants to give up...I don't understand things that happen or why, but I was talking to one of my doctors that I have known since I was young and he told me he was shocked and doesn't understand why either… Should I ever get married? Should I even think about children? Should I stop working as much and just enjoy life? BUT the real question I got to ask is to God...what DO you want me to do? Will God heal me and show himself to people through his power?...Will he use the next ten years of my life to do his work...is that why he put a time limit, so I would take him seriously? I am not sure, but I do know this...even though I have a time limit...everyone does...I was just lucky enough to find mine out so I can act now and stop wasting life like it's always gonna be there...it's not. Who knows I might die in a car accident tomorrow...but my point is not to think about death, but to celebrate life everyday that's one thing I never did. I complained and cried about what I couldn't understand and why God did this or didn't do that...be positive ask God for peace and strength and live life the best to your ability...remember no one's prefect ask for forgiveness and the ability to do better. You never know when you will loose a chance or reach the end of your life...only thing you can do is count on God even if you think he's not there for you or done you wrong...open your heart and trust ...Pray he'll heal you and take away your pain...Give your life to him before you figure out you have none left. DO good and help people...tell them what you know...teach them what will save them and show them God's love....don't be like me and have to get a huge kick in the butt before you start to believe or do something to change your life. DO IT NOW!!! Stop being so self centered and selfish… I believe that God could heal me, but honestly I think I know now why God has said no to me for so long. HE has let me learn how to be tough and to have the knowledge, so I can spread the word. Hopefully people will be wise and not make foolish mistakes like me...no matter how hard it gets the only thing that ever saved me was God...the only thing that gives me real peace is his love...I believe I am supposed to use this "tragedy" to spread his word...to give me the desire to tell everyone I know..GOD IS COMING ...don't die without knowing his love. Don't live another day without feeling the overwhelming joy God can bring you...then you can share with those you love...cause of course if you find something that awesome why wouldn't you want to? God's always been a mystery and put down a lot by most people these days...but the truth is we all have tried to take control, lost sight of God, let satan in, and created our own "demons" within us that could really be anything... Doubt, fear, anger, sickness, "bad luck lives", alcohol, drugs, sex...anything...do not fear the unknown...accept it and love and live...do not be afraid of death..love everyone with a Godly understanding and heart..read his book to find out who he really is for yourself not from you've heard all your life...believe he can do the impossible and hold tight to your faith no matter how much satan will try to shake it...he can never have you if you just keep focusing up and stay on your knees..

I love everyone and I am sorry to anyone I have ever hurt...this was not intention...all I ever want is to show you the real me..the me who can change lives...who is stronger than I have let myself be...who knows..I could be healed...watch my niece grow into a beautiful young lady (btw she is the best thing ever she's definitely a gift from God), get married, have kids of my own, and grow old to have those "cool old lady hair dues", and crazy grandkids :) ...but in the mean time I want to praise God and let everyone in the world know it...hopefully my disasters will bring others eternal life...and I'll be just as happy…