my dog's name is chyna.





that's her.

i did not name her chyna. i fucking hate that name.

i inherited her when my parents divorced a few years ago. i was in college when they got her, so i wasn't involved in the naming process. i named all of our previous pets. i leave it to them ONE TIME and this is what they come up with? GAY. and not in the homosexual way. i mean the fuckin' LAME way. but actually, in the homosexual way too. gay gay gay.

everytime someone asks her name i cringe. i always feel obliged to explain that i didn't name her. i got her in the divorce.

and the inevitable reaction when they hear the name is always "Oh, like the female wrestler?" ugh.


i assure you: my parents did not name her after the female wrestler. trust me, my parents are not wrestling fans. in fact, my dog is twelve years old. the female wrestler, aka jonie laurer, wasn't even around yet when they named her. but even if she had been around then, why would my parents name our dog after that weird beast of a woman? maybe the female wrestler is named after my dog. ever think of that, wrestling fans?

one time a few years back some chick asked me my dog's name. i told her it was chyna. she asked "oh? does she have SARS?"


i considered re-naming her when i first got her. it would have had to have been something that sounded an awful lot like chyna, otherwise she would've been utterly confused. all i could come up with was: dinah, minah, and vagina.

i was very very tempted to go with vagina.

my mom didn't think that was a funny idea. she said "how would YOU like it if people were calling YOU vagina all day?"
i explained to her that, first of all, i love vaginas. second of all, she's a dog. i could call her "cuntbag mcgee" and she would still continue to wag her tail with unadulterated excitement.
mom threatened "fine, i'm gonna start calling YOU cuntbag mcgee then. see how YOU like it."
to which i responded, "that's actually pretty sweet nickname. thanks, mom!"
"i can't believe i raised you, gabe."
"that's cuntbag mcgee to you, mom. c'mon, vagina - let's go for a walk."

some facts about chyna:
-she is a weimaraner. WHY-MER-ANN-ER (actually the proper german pronounciation is VY-MER-ANN-ER, but we're not in germany). no one EVER gets the pronounciation of this word right, and it is one of the great joys of my life. almost daily, someone will approach me and say, "wow! beautiful dog! is that a WAY-MORE-NINER?" or "hey! nice WO-MAR-OWNER!" out of the literally hundreds of people who have asked over the years, i would say less than 5 people have gotten it right.

-she is crazy. weimaraners are prone to being somewhat uptight. chyna is perpetuating that stereotype. only, take uptight, and change it to batshit fuckin nuts. she's 12, and i can't leave her alone or she cries and whines like a puppy and sometimes she pisses wildly. true story: when she still lived with my parents, per her vet's suggestion, she was on prozac. human prozac. i'm totally serious. and it helped her BIG TIME. when I got her, i took her off of it because... well, because what's crazier? her? or the fact that my parents put her on prozac? it's debatable. also, i was already embarrassed enough about her name. didn't need to add insult to injury.

-she is also the best, most intuitive dog i've ever had. she LIVES TO PLEASE. they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. that is bullshit. this bitch learns new tricks like she's in the fuckin circus. want her to shake your hand? just ask! want her to speak? no big woop. just ask. want her to lick peanut butter off of your penis? consider it done. someone call barnum or bailey.

ps - that last one is just theoretical. i swear.

-she is lumpy. in her old age, she's been getting these tennis ball sized fatty cysts all over her body. nothing cute about it, but they're harmless. it's pretty funny to see a chick walk up to her and go "ohhhh, so cuuuute, is that a WAM-AND-ROLLER? she's so beautif--ugh. barf. what is that huge lump on her chest?"

-chyna loves me more than anyone on earth loves me. more than my mom. more than my fiance. more than jesus. and not just because i'm a jew. chyna loves me so much it's almost annoying. amazing too though. she follows me around the house like she's my shadow. it's unconditional love. the only condition i have is that she not shit on our couch again. seriously - i could slice this dog's ears off with a shiv made of her yanked toenails, and then fry them and eat them right in front of her, and she would still look at me with those eyes that say "hey man, i love you! let's go for a walk or something. or we can just sit here and i'll stare at you. that's just as awesome. as long as i'm near you, i'm happy." i think more people should adopt that attitude about me. you listening jesus?