You know, I never quite understood why women were complaining about getting perverted e-mail from random guys from MySpace. Even if the guy is ugly, or stupid, or just plain creepy, I figured that they should still at least feel a little flattered at the attention. Even to the smallest extent, it is good to know that someone out there finds you attractive even if it is in the most puerile and superficial way possible. At least you're not the fat girl with two teeth and greasy hair that couldn't get laid with a two-hour trip to the salon and a jar full of rohypnol.

So, last week I put up a new picture for my profile. Instead of my normal gorgeous and smiling face, there's a picture of a lighthouse on Kauai, Hawai'i (stupid Word keeps trying to capitalize that last "i," doesn't Bill know that they officially changed the way that damn word is spelled??? That's what he gets for not finishing college: billions of dollars, but no ability to spell). Now, I've been on here for the better part of a year, and up to this point I have yet to receive any of these famed random e-mails from random people who would like to share a sexual escapade with me. It is not like I've been shunning e-mails like that. There is nothing in my profile to make the local nymphos think that I'm not a shallow and horny guy who is just aching for some meaningless sex with a stranger. Recently I changed my "about me" section to try and curtail the number of random "let's be friends" requests, but I'm not talking about sex with friends, I'm talking about sex with strangers. I wasn't even getting e-mails from gay guys. Jeez, shunned from all fronts!

Then, the lighthouse comes into play. The ever-lovable Slacksploitation mentioned that she's going to Kauai next week, and I got excited because I went there a couple years ago. I thought it would be cool to put up some pictures from my vacation, and then further decided that I needed a new profile picture to shake things up. Clearly the blatant phallic subliminal message I put out was working because I have since been inundated with, count 'em, TWO e-mails from what I can only assume are hot and luscious women who want to "snarffle the Garthock" baby! We're talking Russian AND Asian hotties. If those two stereotypes don't fire up a man's libido, well then he's clearly a homosexual. I'm not sure which racial stereotypes get gay men going. I think it's Puerto Rican, but I'm not sure. Is "flamboyant" a race? Flemming… flamboyant… French… flamboyant… Finnish… I'm not sure.

So, without further ado, here are the kinds of choice ass you can pick up if you change your pic to a lighthouse. Next week: castle spires! Woo hoo!

Oh, Tatyana, you sexy little minx. I will wed and bed you for your hobbies of fitness, and work fill me with a sense of titular wonderment. But, hark! Who is this enchantress down here….

What's that you say, Anna? "Pick your hole?" Is that some new and fascinating board game? I simply must sample your array of Asian delights. We could play "Samurai Sword and Scabbard," or "Feudal Lord and Coquettish Virgin," dare I say that we could even give "Emperor and Peon" a try? Oh joy be with me!