I’ve always admired the way brave actresses like Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli were willing to go on a diet while they were fat and be photographed in their fat clothes saying "I’m going to lose weight!" I always think, "What if they don’t?" That would be so embarrassing! But they both did and I realized that the pressure of the public diet is brilliant. I mean, people are watching and if you don’t lose weight, EVERYONE is going to say something to you. Like if you were at the movies and you bought a big popcorn, somebody would say, "Are you sure you should be eating that?"
Well, I want to lose that last 10 pounds, which is really hard, so I thought...the public diet! That will motivate me!
Two weeks ago, I went to Jenny Craig and signed up. It was great. They had a picture of their new spokeswoman, Queen Latifah in her fat clothes and under the picture it said, "I don’t want to be a supermodel, I want to be a role model." I had no idea what that meant, because given the choice, I would much rather be a supermodel. (I mean, that’s what I named my dog!) But they explained to me that Queen (I guess that’s what her friends call her) just wants to lose twenty pounds so she’ll be healthier, not thin. And I thought that’s probably a pretty good move since Kirstie Alley lost like seventy pounds, went on Oprah in a bikini, then gained a lot back. Better to just say, "I want to be healthy" instead of "I want to embarrass myself on Oprah." Even Oprah’s embarrassed herself on Oprah. You don’t want to set the bar too high.
So I just told them I want to lose eight pounds, but I really want to lose 10. But I’m keeping that bar low.
My consultant, Muffet, was so sweet and when I asked her if she was on the diet, she said she was taking a break right now. Even though she still wants to lose 50 pounds! And take a break? When she can probably get discounts on all that frozen Jenny Craig food? I figured she was crazy, but I liked her. She finally weighed me and I was freaking out, but to my happy surprise I weighed 2 pounds less than I thought! I hadn’t even spent any money and I was losing weight!
So the first week was hard probably because your body is in shock, and I was really hungry. But after my next weigh-in I lost....1/2 a pound! Remember my bar is low, and Muffet said that when someone is on the last ten pounds you have to be patient because fat clings to you like Teri Hatcher clinging to her youth!
Week two was a little easier and Muffet told me about Jenny Craig’s new plan called "Volumetrics". It mean adding more vegetable to each meal. I think "Volumetrics" is is just Jenny code for "I’m so fucking hungry I want to eat cardboard!" But the added vegetable did help and in my weigh-in today...another 1/2 a pound!
That’s why I haven’t been blogging. I’ve been suffering "severe butter withdrawal", but I’m starting to get over it. And now that I’ve admitted that I’m on a diet, if any of you see me at the movies holding a big tub of buttered popcorn....if you love me, you won’t say anything!!!
Wish me luck!