ahhh, life has been so hectic, so busy. but being busy makes me feel so....enriched. keeps my mind off things.

i'm so tired. i just got back from a performance. and i got to be the host. and i got to speak English. yayy. it was fun. our school's trying to do some kind of exchange with a school in Germany, so yesterday, about 30 students and teachers came to our school. unfortunately, my parents wouldn't let me participate in the volunteer program where you get a buddy and you talk to them in English. she didn't want me missing class. so i'm a bit mad, because i KNOW i have the best English out of all the people who volunteered. some of them have such horrible english...it's just....ew. fobby-ness. but it's okay. i get to host the performance. and i got to dress up.  and everyone said i looked really...pretty? noble? elegant? and because Chinese people are...slow, since they've never really seen anything outside of their own little world, seeing a 15 year old girl speaking such fluent English is almost a miracle. so after the performance when i left, i could hear people whispering, and i could feel the stares. my teachers were very pleased with my performance. since i just started high school, a lot of my teachers don't like me, or hate me (the rascists). and i've been feeling a bit...down, depressed because of it. i mean...i've never been hated, especially by a teacher. so it's strange to me. but you know what? i proved myself tonight. i PROVED that i am not only American, i can speak fluent English, i'm a musically talented person, and i have talent. i'm not just some empty-headed American. i have thoughts, feelings, i'm smart, i work hard, and i'm not just some "damn American" with just good English. but it's all very tiring. i ALWAYS feel like i have to prove myself to everyone. and i'm way too stressed. getting a maximum of about 5 hours of sleep each night. nonetheless, i feel happy. i can now say to them, "IN YOUR FACE!!!" i feel so good right now. i love people whispering about how good i looked, or how good my English is. and i know that those Germans approved of me. they'll be here for about a week. and our school is being really gay by making it seem like something it's not. they're spending tons of money on things that'll make the school look nicer, better than it really is. and it makes me really MAD.  it just proves how FAKE some Chinese people are. (sorry, no offense to any Chinese people reading). but whatever. it'll all go back to normal by next week. but this is going to be a long and tough week to get through. too many things that'll make me sad and upset. i have a four-hand piano performance on Tuesday. and you know what? my partner is this BITCH that thinks she's better than me when she's not. she's just so...argh. she shows off whenever she gets the chance, and it's always the second part that presses the pedal, and she has to steal that away from me too. she's selfish, self-centered. all that crap about how humble Chinese people are is just a bunch of BS. when it comes to real Chinese people, they show off whenever they can. the word "humble" doesn't exist to them. i have to teach her everything, or at least perform it for her so she'll be able to do it. she thinks she's so much better than me, trying to steal everything, show off. augh i can't STAND her. last time when our teacher mentioned having solo performances, she immediately said it was a good idea and started taking out her books and performing every piece she knew. and she didn't wasn't fluent in a single piece. and her damn excuse was that "she was nervous". nervous my ass. she always finds excuses to make herself look innocent, to make it seem like she doesn't have a purpose. but she does. you just have to read between the lines to get it. that's another thing. reading between the lines...for everything. spending energy trying to analyze something someone said wastes time and makes you either mad or sad in the end. it makes me really miss those good times working with Eric or Zinnia. they were awesome piano partners. why can't people like Eric or Zinnia live in China?

oh gosh, i'm tired. i'm sorry i haven't updated any of you on my life in a long time. but i'm sure no one really gives a damn. i'm just always forgotten. i'm already used to it. this was written to express my feelings. tonight was just too awesome. it was worth writing about. take care, guys.