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Simon Pegg


Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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State: London and South East
Country: UK
Signup Date: 7/15/2007

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Edgar Wright
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 
I was walking Minnie this morning and an idea for a little Star Wars fan fiction came to me. I think it's because I've been playing The Force Unleashed quite a bit. This kind of thing feels a little outdated now. I'm not sure how many people really give a shit. All the same, I give you...

The Plan

Massai Temple, Yavin 4. Mon Mothma and Bail Organa are seated around a large stone table discussing the aftermath of Order 66 with the last remaining Jedi; Shaak Ti, Kazdan Paratus, Rahm Kota, Obi Wan Kenobi and a holo-transmission of Yoda. Captain Madine enters looking worried.

MADINE:
Our spies bring disturbing news from the Imperial Sector, Anakin Skywalker is alive.

KOTA
What?

MON MOTHMA
How can this be?

KENOBI
But I stood on the lava banks of Mustafar and watched him die.

SHAAK TI
I still don't understand why you didn't help him. He was your padawan.

KENOBI
I was really tired.

Yoda
Grave news, this is.

KENOBI
I wouldn't worry. He was in a terrible state when I left him. Both his legs were off and he was on fire.

KOTA
That's another thing. Why did you just leave him there?

KENOBI
I dunno.

PARATUS
If what Obi Wan says is true, can Skywalker really be much of a threat?

MADINE
The Emperor has rebuilt him. Apparently he's more machine now than man.

KENOBI
Creepy.

MADINE
What is more, intelligence reports that he has been reborn as the Sith Lord, Darth Vader.

KENOBI
Cool name.

YODA
Feared this, I did. The dark side has found a terrible ally

MON MOTHMA
What about the babies? Surely he will seek them out.

YODA
Hidden, they must be.

KOTA
Hidden and separated.

KENOBI
Aw.

YODA
Right, General Kota is. Strong is their bond. Easy to sense.

BAIL
I will take Leia. My wife and I have long yearned for a daughter. We will raise her as our own. Concealed in the light of royalty.

KENOBI
Nice.

MON MOTHMA
What about the boy?

PARATUS
He needs to be hidden as far a way as possible.

KENOBI
How about Tatooine? I have a friend there who has always said, if there's a bright centre to the universe, Tatooine is the planet that it's farthest from.

MON MOTHMA
Who is this friend?

KENOBI
Owen Lars.

SHAAK TI
Can he be trusted?

KENOBI
Oh yes.

PARATUS
How did you make his aquaintence?

KENOBI
He's Darth Vader's step brother.

EVERYONE
What?

KENOBI
It'll be fine, seriously. He won't think to look there.

BAIL
Are you sure?

KENOBI
Positive.

KOTA
Master Yoda?

YODA
Out of ideas, am I.

PARATUS
Very well. Leia Organa and Luke Lars -

KENOBI
Skywalker.

EVERYONE
WHAT?!

KENOBI
He should be Luke Skywalker. Come on, it sounds cooler.

Mon Mothma
What is it with you and names?

KENOBI
I think it's important. Why do you think I changed my name to Obi Wan? Nobody's going to be frightened of a Jedi called Benjamin.

YODA
Fear leads to agression...

KENOBI
Yeah yeah. If I had a credit for every time you wheeled that one out.

YODA
Up shut!

MON MOTHMA
Really, this bickering is pointless.

YODA/KENOBI
Sorry.

KOTA
Doesn't keeping his name defeat the object of hiding him?

MON MOTHMA
Yes, what if Vader vanity surfs?

BAIL
Mon Mothma is right. he may have a moogle alert attached to his name? What if he checks to see what people are saying about him and happens upon an article about Luke winning a spelling competition or a pod race or something.

KENOBI
Never gonna happen.

KOTA
Very well, if you're sure.

KENOBI
Hey, have I ever let you down?

YODA
Anakin Skywalker, did you train.

KENOBI
Oh throw that in my face why don't you!

KOTA
Silence. General Kenobi we will abide by your wisdom...

Kenobi makes a nah nah face at the holographic Yoda.

KOTA
But you have to go and live on Tatooine.

KENOBI
What?

KOTA
You have to go and live in a little house on Tatooine and keep an eye on him.

KENOBI
Oh man! It's boring on Tatooine. And what about all the sandpeople? You have to make that funny noise to scare them off and I can't do it because I've got a deviated septum.

PARATUS
You'll have time to learn.

Kenobi looks sulky.

KOTA
It's either that or we change his name and hide him somewhere less obvious.

KENOBI
Alright then.

BAIL
Good.

KOTA
Then it is settled.

PARATUS
Very well.

SHAAK TI
Let us ready a shuttle.

YODA fizzles out.

MON MOTHMA
I have a bad feeling about this.
1:39 PM
 
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Heather
Heather Chavez

 
Now, that would have been a great scene to see at the end of Chapter 3! I can't wait to see you in Star Trek!
 
Posted by Heather on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:18 PM
[Reply to this] 
boomer and tarfie
Sharon sanchez

 
that made me smile on such a dull day...... kepp them coming.
sharon x
 
Posted by boomer and tarfie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:18 PM
[Reply to this] 
Edword!
Edward Pinger

 
lol that cracked me up :P if this was a video it would be so sweet xD
 
Posted by Edword! on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:20 PM
[Reply to this] 
Llama

 
I LOLed!
 
Posted by Llama on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:20 PM
[Reply to this] 
nika

 
Minnie must be your muse dear man...That brought me to tears...And now I know why I cant make that noise...deviated septum...huh go figure. I demand more. You and Minnie get crackin.
Cheers!
 
Posted by nika on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Juan Zombie
Juan Zombie

 
Bloody Brilliant !! :D
 
Posted by Juan Zombie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Tigerlily

 
aaahahaa your a genius
 
Posted by Tigerlily on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
Joel Vallie
Joel Vallie

 
Man you are a genius. I was laughing the whole time reading this. You got skills me friend. If i had the money I would make this scene just for you to watch!
 
Posted by Joel Vallie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
Ensign Wright
Franklin Astin

 
that was a interesting piece of work!
 
Posted by Ensign Wright on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 2:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Man Out Of Time

 
Absolutely hilarious!

Reminded me style wise of a skit that you could easily have done back in the day on Spaced.

Cheers, really made a long dull day in work that lil bit brighter.

PS Guys, just cos it says Star Wars don't take it so seriously! Joking he is
 
Posted by Man Out Of Time on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Todd
Todd Fluhr

 
Loved your different universe. Wish I could express how much.


By the way, I bet you a Tatooine-minted sand nickel that I could transform the "prequels" into a work of art with the addition of two small scenes. Honest. If I need to bet a pint to prove my sincerity, consider it wagered. Seriously.

How to transform the Prequels from Bantha droppings to High Art in 2 scenes or less:

_______________

Add two scenes: a “prologue” and an “epilogue” to the prequels.

Scene One: Add a five minute prologue to the beginning of Phantom Menace.

This prologue is set AFTER Return of the Jedi, and is set on Dagobah, where older Luke is training Lea's and Han's children in the ways of the force.

FIRST KID: "Can you tell us about our Grandfather? Was he really evil?"

LUKE: “Okay, I’ll tell you about your grandfather. It started like this….. “

Luke sits the kids down and begins to tell the story of the Phantom Menace and Anikin Skywalker.

The three prequels roll along, with all the juvenile jar-jar stuff and plot inconsistencies. The thing to remember is that the Prequels are stories being told by Old Luke to the children of Lea and Han, as seen through their eyes.

Scene TWO: Add a five minute epilog to the end of Revenge of the Sith.

After the last prequel, after that last shot of the Emperor raising Vader from the operating table and Obi wan delivering the kids to their adoptive parents, we CUT BACK to old Luke and the Solo kids.

LUKE: “And that was how Anakin became Darth Vader.”

Luke senses a presence: Old Han Solo appears at the clearing edge.
LUKE: “You kids go practice now. I want to speak to your father.

The kids to go practice their Force Lessons.

Old Han and Luke talk privately,
HAN "Hey, Luke, I overheard what you were telling the kids, and, well, why did you make up some of those parts and put those lies in?"

LUKE: "Obi Wan knew to hide the truth from me until I was ready to handle it, I'll tell the kids the whole truth when they are mature enough."

CUT TO the two kids practicing the force

FIRST KID "Do you think Uncle Luke was telling the truth?"

SECOND KID "No! I could sense he was lying!"

Second kid angrily splits a stone with the Force.

end.

Well, what do you think?
 
Posted by Todd on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:06 PM
[Reply to this] 
sophie

 
up shut! i never tire of yoda speech.
a triumphant piece of writing. i think i liked the spaced episode you did this year though. EPIC!.
S X
 
Posted by sophie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:12 PM
[Reply to this] 
Tim
Tim Collins

 
this is how they should have ended Episode 3
 
Posted by Tim on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Janice
Janice Young

 
You should have been a writer for Menace/Clones/Sith, which completely destroyed "The Trinity."

And should have directed, too.

Sorry - as someone who actually saw Star Wars on May 25, 1977 (and - literally - 50+ times in the ensuing year, a magical time for a 16 year old) - the latter 3 releases were an insult.
 
Posted by Janice on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:27 PM
[Reply to this] 
Dr. Tectonic

 
Bwa-HA! Nice. You rawk.
 
Posted by Dr. Tectonic on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
leslie

 
Simon . . . wrote . . . crack-fic.


. . .



Sweet.
 
Posted by leslie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Kimberly S.

 
KENOBI
Oh man! It's boring on Tatooine. And what about all the sandpeople? You have to make that funny noise to scare them off and I can't do it because I've got a deviated septum.


*ROTFLMAO*

Pegg . . you gotta stop that . . it's hurts too much for me to laugh this hard.;)

You plus Darth Vader's Twitter account (http://twitter.com/darthvader) has made these past two days wonderfully fun.

I heart Star Wars comedy.
 
Posted by Kimberly S. on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:52 PM
[Reply to this] 
Eddie

 
I started laughing uncontrollably at this, and my boss is wondering what I'm up to... Thank you!!!
(for the fan fic, not for getting my boss all wonder-y and stuff)
 
Posted by Eddie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 3:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
A m b e r

 
That was Brilliant Simon !!



{Yoda}

"Up Shut"


:)
 
Posted by A m b e r on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:00 PM
[Reply to this] 
Jessica
Jessica Dwyer

 
Post this on Fanfiction.net you will.

Hmmmm??
 
Posted by Jessica on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:11 PM
[Reply to this] 
iRorschach
Andy S

 
its settled..i'm going to get a bunch of my friends together and we're shooting this..

simon pegg's SW universe < any episode or movie of Star Trek
 
Posted by iRorschach on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:16 PM
[Reply to this] 
Android 18
Jaclyn Baker

 
i loved it! cheered me up on the rainy day! keep em coming Simon!!
 
Posted by Android 18 on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Karen Jemmett
Karen Jemmett

 
Me F?!? - I'm glad I've chosen social realism as my preferred genre, that's all I can say!
So let's get this straight, the Jedi were Masons, right? Aw was it the other way round?
Ugh, it's a stupid bloody game this... It stop!
 
Posted by Karen Jemmett on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:26 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sacha Kinksky
Sacha Kinksky

 
No fair!! I snorted milk out my nose reading this!!! TOO hillarious!!

-- Sacha
 
Posted by Sacha Kinksky on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Doug

 
Hmmm, Pants wet from laughing they are!!
 
Posted by Doug on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 4:59 PM
[Reply to this] 
Nicole

 
I just tried Googling "Moogle" (googly moogly!) to make sure it wasn't just me being thick, but now you're going to have to explain that one, man. The second link that came up was somebody already linking back to your blog. ;)

Of course, I'll completely accept a form of Old Republic galactic information network, even though it does sound more like ways to cross-reference yourself with old Dick Hyman records. (That could work too, I guess. Like if Vader wanted to find out if someone secretly videoed him that time he blazed up and rocked a cover of "Green Onions" on the Moog at the Imperial mixer...
 
Posted by Nicole on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 5:16 PM
[Reply to this] 
Celine

 
Maybe he just didn't want to get sued by Google for using their name. It'd be kind of scary having Google being so incredibly powerful that it would even be all-powerful a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
 
Posted by Celine on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 8:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
Nicole

 
They have fairly crushed all other search engines with Sith-like mercilessness, haven't they?

Many Alta Vistan spies died to bring us this information...
 
Posted by Nicole on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sarah5636

 
LOL that was too funny :D
 
Posted by Sarah5636 on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 5:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Style

 
This is hilarious. Check out my interview with Daniel Craig, Marc Forester, and Olga Kurylenko for the new Bond flick....

"To Forster - You have gotten to work with A-list talent such as Johnny Depp and Will Ferrel. How hard was it for you to work with a guy who was starred in a movie as tepid as Layer Cake and was the gay prison inmate in the Truman Capote film that didn't win any Oscars?

To Craig - You seemed a little confused by that last question. I will make sure to speak slower for the next one. Now, you are totally ripped, which is great for Bond and Forster can't seem to take his eyes off your thighs, but your face is almost like a Rorschach test. You really have to focus to make out the emotions you are trying to convey as often times you just look queasy or simply confused. Is that why the bond babes are so hot in this installment? To take some of the heat off of your "acting"?

To Craig- Hmmm... I lost you at "you are totally ripped" didn't I? Sorry, Olga just walked in and I wanted to wrap this little interview up so I could ask her a few questions. Why are you smiling? Oh, you know that trick? Ha! Did you have her come in just so you wouldn't have to answer the question? You are nodding diagonally so I think you are assuring me that my assumption is correct.

Craig speaking- "The name is Bond, James Bond" ....

To Craig- Well, you certainly remember that line Daniel! Good show! I can only hope Olga is in a lot of scenes with you. She does have a fantasically gorgeous phisyque, that you could poor choclate all over and spend an entire day systematically licking off every drop.... Hey where did you guys go? Fucking disappeard like Batman. Just a piece of paper here that says "Credits Roll". Daniel, you certainly are the best bond by far. Thank you for the interview, wherever you are....

To Olga- Now Olga, I hear Russian's have a wide variety of choclate treats.....

yeah, it's fake, and I actually do like the last Bond movie, but some website asked to submit questions for Bond. I submitted this instead...
 
Posted by Style on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 5:32 PM
[Reply to this] 
Forgot My Zipper

 
Good one Simon, I liked Kenobi being a smart ass...
 
Posted by Forgot My Zipper on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 5:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
Style

 
Sorry for posting twice!!! but wanted to post this too. Here's my very condensed version of No Country for Old Men.

No Country For Old Men(short version):

"That guys dead, I'm taking that money!" - Moss
"Heads or Tails, where's my money you took from the dead guy." - Anton
"I'm a cop and I know something bad is happening, but I feel so weary and oooold!" - Sherrif
"Bang" - Moss
"Fssst" - Anton
"You know I'm hurt" - Moss
"I hurt you" - Anton
"People are getting hurt" - Sherrif
Hey it's the guy from Cheers!!
"Hey Cowboy wanna party" - to Moss
"Why is that guy swimming alone without a lifeguard" - Sherrif
"Your the wife of the guy, I wanted to kill, that was killed randomly without my cattle killer, flip a coin" - Anton
"Crash"- to Anton
"Can I borrow your shirt nubile young teen" - Anton
"I had a dream about my dad, man am I ooooold!!" - Sherrif


Sorry again!! Keep up the good work Simon!
 
Posted by Style on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 5:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
Greg
Greg kejick

 
i was wondering the same thing.

 
Posted by Greg on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 6:01 PM
[Reply to this] 
PhillyBookChick

 
OMG!!! She says with tears running down her face at work... thanks for the needed laugh!
 
Posted by PhillyBookChick on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 6:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Caz1977

 
I chortled - a lot!

Caz xx
 
Posted by Caz1977 on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 6:30 PM
[Reply to this] 
Bonnie

 
LOVE it!
 
Posted by Bonnie on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 6:32 PM
[Reply to this] 
Matilda
Matilda Wagner

 
:)...realy good imagination,could be in (your next?) a movie-... ..i saw already the dialogues, as a movie-scene... common ,make it real!!! m.

 
Posted by Matilda on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 6:42 PM
[Reply to this] 
Scottish Cowboy
Shawn Michael Douglas

 
That is great!!!
But I think you would have to play Obi-Wan just to make sure he came across just right!!!
Havent played Forced Unleashed yet but just bought "The Clone Wars" last night...make sure you keep up on the episodes for the series too mate!!!

Slainte
 
Posted by Scottish Cowboy on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 7:08 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lesleigh

 
O my dear Lord, please submit this script to Robot Chicken... This is the best Star Wars scene ever. "I was tired... I dunno" Big props, Simon Pegg!
 
Posted by Lesleigh on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 7:54 PM
[Reply to this] 
slodwick

 
A+++ FANFIC. WOULD READ AGAIN.
 
Posted by slodwick on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 7:54 PM
[Reply to this] 
bliss and heaven
Jesse Martinez

 
Funny or die video with you as obi wan and nick as yoda? maybe?
 
Posted by bliss and heaven on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 7:56 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sarah

 
Thank you for that - hilarious. I always thought that Obi-Wan must have had a boring time stuck on Tatooine waiting while Luke grew up.

I just finished finished a play where I had to deliver the line "Favoured - you are", it's harder to say it normally than as Yoda - YodaSpeak will ALWAYS be funny.
 
Posted by Sarah on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 8:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Celine

 
7 blogs in 7 days. Are you compensating for not having posted anything for 20 days in October?

It was a very funny bit of dialog, thanks for posting it.

Now let me enjoy being able to locate my post on your blog before it is overran by trekkies when the movie comes out.
 
Posted by Celine on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 8:31 PM
[Reply to this] 
Rachel

 
I did a LOL. Nice work, Pegg! I would pay money to see Ewan McGregor say 'both his legs were off and he was on fire'.
 
Posted by Rachel on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:01 PM
[Reply to this] 
Heather

 
That's awesome PEGG !
love the blogs
 
Posted by Heather on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:25 PM
[Reply to this] 
gangstaeva
Eva Herrera

 
Once again the Pegg never fails to entertain! Love it!
 
Posted by gangstaeva on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:34 PM
[Reply to this] 
Sarah(AC)

 
Nice work Simon. Hubby and I read it together and were both giggling all the way through.
Well done you!
 
Posted by Sarah(AC) on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
Coty
Coty Ellis

 
This is one of the very best fan fictions I've ever read.
 
Posted by Coty on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:39 PM
[Reply to this] 
LIZZY XO XO

 
HA HA! That's hilarious! And hey, you can't have a Star Wars scene without the whole "I have a bad feeling about this" line in it! Fantastic!

Lizzy xx
 
Posted by LIZZY XO XO on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lori
Lori Bowen

 
That was awesome. I'd pay US$9 plus concessions to see that.
 
Posted by Lori on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 - 9:51 PM
[Reply to this] 
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