I know it sounds crazy, but it really ain't THAT crazy.

It seems to me that becoming a rapper is the only way that Black male victims of our justice system can receive any sort of 'justice' at all.  After all, NOTHING sells more magazines and CD's apparently than dead and/or criminally insane niggers, right?

RIGHT?

*sigh*

Conventional wisdom says that people often laugh in order to keep from crying. 

But even my halfway joking in the subject line couldn't stop the tears from falling once I heard the Sean Bell verdict a few days ago.  To echo the sentiments shared by the brother Ant Springer on hiphopdx, the Bell verdict made me shed tears for the first time in what seems like forever.

The Darfur Genocide?  Absolutely horrendous, but no tears from the kid.
Hurricane Katrina?  Sadness at first, but later turned to rage as I saw how our government completely mishandled it.  I was at the brink of tears, but still not quite there.
9/11?  A tragedy, of course.  But once I got over the shock of seeing two planes hit the WTC on some Jerry Bruckheimer shit, and called to make sure my fam in the DC area was cool, I (like many other Black males in their early 20's at that time) just wanted to know what that new Hov was taumbot.

The Sean Bell verdict was the first news piece that was able to break through the emotional numbness that I, and many other Americans have been dealing with in the wake of our declining empire.  For the first time in my 29 years, I just shook my head out of frustration and wondered a), "When does this shit ever stop?" and b), "What the fuck do I tell my sons?"

As the father of two, I look at my boys and wonder if I'm doing my job and molding them to be strong, resilient Black men for the world they have to live in.  I watch them laugh, play, and be amused at the silliest things, and I want them to cherish that feeling.  I want them to hold on to that innocence before this world does everything it can to beat it out of them.  I want to tell them that the world's a fair place and as long as they work hard and sacrifice that things will be okay.

But I'd be lying.  Things will not be okay.  Things are far from fucking okay (c) Marcellus Wallace.  But even still, I keep the faith.  And in keeping that faith, I just can't bring myself to look my sons in the eye and tell them that their lives, their very existence in America, ain't worth shit.  I aint ready to bust that bubble yet.  But maybe I should be.

Make no mistake, wading through the details of any legal affair is a very extensive process and in discussing the Bell case with a few of my attorney buddies, they all agree that this case woulda been a bitch for anybody to prosecute.  The New York Times has a pretty good breakdown of the case right here, and I encourage everyone to read the facts and judge them for yourself.  I've been over it 3 or 4 times and still can't quite put it all together.  The one thing that remains clear to me though, is that the officers AT THE VERY LEAST should have been charged with excessive force and reckless endangerment.  I mean, really, how many shots does it take to kill an UNARMED Black man?  I guess the officers figured that if Pac could take 5, and if 50 could take 9, they had to go the extra mile to make sure that Bell never lived to release a mixtape detailing the affair.   They was practically shootin at homeboy like he was one of the zombies from "I Am Legend" or some shit...

I don't know what to make of all this, nor do I know what the verdict in Bell's case ultimately means for Black america.  I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to ensure that reckless and thoughtless behavior like this never goes unpunished again. 

I am often.......ashamed....at what our country has become.  But my biggest fear is that one day my sons will grow up, look at our country, look at me, and then say, "Nigga you let this shit happen on YOUR watch?!??!  What the fuck did you ever try to do to bring about some change??!"

And so I write.  I create.  I mentor.  I try to inspire.  I try to spread goodwill and harmony to those around me.  I try to lead by example.  I sincerely try to be the best man that I can be.

I want to believe that things will change.  But as a Black man, events like the Sean Bell verdict make it harder for me to believe in just about anything good these days.

May Sean Bell rest in peace, and may God continue to watch over his family. 

Somehow we will move on.....I guess....

Tigallo