Edit: You know I am pissed when I wrote this instead of playing NCAA Football 2006.  By the way, the EA servers are a complete mess right now.

This blog has been inspired by a fellow MySpacer's blog on this annoying bulletin running around about "nice guys"

I originally just made a half-asses attempt at voicing my disdain for it in a bulletin, but after reading his - and then seeing the fucking thing in my Bulletin Area three more times - I am stepping up to the plate to see if I can hit a homer like he did.  Here goes, my comments in italics.

-------------

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

I call these people losers, not nice guys.  I know that sounds harsh, but if you consider the dictionary definition of it, they are.  They are losing by not achieving their goal of winning over whatever woman they desire.  Losers.  Is it right to say that?  Probably not.  However, when they start piping up and complaining about it, then it becomes fair game.  The squeaky wheel gets Trendon's angst.

Furthermore, this leads me into a similar arguement I have with women.  The "All Men Are Assholes" women.  I hate those.  I hate them because almost all women claim to - at least amongst each other - to have a higher sense of emotion, intelligence, and a sixth sense.  Oh yeah?  Then, if all guys are assholes, why:

1) Are you surprised when they act like one.
2) Didn't you see it coming?

Same with these clowns.  If something is ALWAYS happening (in this case, "nice guys ALWAYS finishing last", then it is your job to change it or stop playing the game.  Do you always burn your hand when you touch the hot stove?  If so... STOP TOUCHING THE FUCKING THING!!!

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

Fuck you.  Everyone does this.  This has nothing to do with guys, girls, nice, not nice.  Human beings do this shit for each other.  If a woman started dating everyone who was courteous to her, she'd have seventeen forms of HIV.  Holding the fucking door is something I do for other men.  And, quite honestly, if I saw some dude on the street crying on a pole, I'd walk over and see if he needed anything.  That's the kind of person I am.  Oddly enough, damn near everyone would do this.  We are human beings and tend to help each other.

Thus, don't go looking for fucking cookies just because you do what is expected of human beings.  I believe Chris Rock touched on this some in one of his bits.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

HA!  Nice guys, eh?  This is shit the "bad guys" (why do I think all these "nice guys" think of Scarface when they think of "bad guys"?)  say to get women into bed.  You are no more sincere in your praising of women then your opposites are.  You have a motive and that is to try and win the girl over.  Some guys use it to get women into bed.  As for me, I'd rather talk about myself, which is one of my problems.  But, I digress. 

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

Once again, Woe Is Me... this is shit that is expected of anybody.  You do not get bonus points for doing this. 

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

Now, what I see here is that the "nice guys" are chasing after the whores.  This makes no sense and I should spray water in your face and go, "No!" as I shake my finger.  Why?

So far, everything in this paragraph describes a woman that I - who will go guns blazing into any situation - would even say, "Fuck this."  This doesn't mean you are nice.  It means you are stupid or blind.  Or she is ridiculously hot, but even then, I have no sympathy.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due.

Once again, we uncover motive.  If you were soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking nice, you'd know (and accept) that having this woman's trust is payoff enough.  No.  It isn't, now is it, Sparky?  Nope.  Not for Mr. Nice Guy!  The only payoff would be if he were about to kiss, date, fondle, grope, sleep with, marry or whatever other level you desire.  Motive, assholes, Motive!  Just because you take the Knight in Shining Armor approach, doesn't make you nice.  It just makes you PASSIVE.  This is neither wrong nor right, but let's call a spade a spade here, good sir.

And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should.

:) Motive.

And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus

I nearly fell down when I read this.  Campus?!  Oh my heavens.  On a scale of 1-10 on the "Able to Pick-Up a Girl" scale, I probably am just on the higher side of five.  Seven, tops.  In college, I was a 248956294569234659834659 on that same 1-10 scale.  And I was tied for 1st with the rest of the entire campus. 

The author of this lost all credibility.  He is either horribly ugly, a social misfit, or panders so greatly to women that they are actually scared of him in a serial-killer kind of way.  There is NO way anybody should go through college without getting laid if they so choose to. 

and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

Nope.  I disagree.  All of your panelists are idiots.  Some women are illogical, some are manipulative.  Most are beautiful, perfect human beings with emotions that ebb and flow like every other animal on Earth.  The good news is that there are... I don't know... HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF THEM ON THIS PLANET! 

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.”

Everyone but the last one is a fucking lie or was uttered by a complete idiot and I suggest you scratch her from your list of eligible women.  The friendship one is logical and that just means she wasn't attracted to you.  Happens to the best of us.  Get over it, suckagoose.

Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

hor·mone    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (hôrmn)
n.

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever.

Way to misinterpret logic, shitheel.  Mathematically, anybody on Earth is going to meet a woman; a great woman.  It has nothing to do with nice and not nice.  Time is on your side.  You, unfortunately, are not on time's side and watching from the sidelines is going to burn your ass when you are older.  Mwuhaha! 

There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

No, sir, the tricky part is actually making a move to get them to understand who you are.  Hugging them and talking with them is great.  Taking them out to dinner, a show, a museum, etc shows them you are interested.  Do you just walk into a fucking store and compliment the whole retail staff when you want to purchase something?  No.  You got to the fucking line and indicate you want to pay for said item.  (No correlation between money and women there, by the way, it was just the best analogy I could think of).  Take them out.  No woman with a brain will misconstrue dinner for a completely friendly act.  They'll know you are interested in Step 2, whatever you feel it is.  Some feel it is sex.  Some, another date.  That's on you.  It ain't their fucking job to figure it out.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys.

Use styrchnine.

You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice.

Next time, Lord Byron, use the word "perpetually" there.  Ubiquitous doesn't fit as well.  OK, William Strunk?

But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Or you could just be your fucking self.  How about that, Charlie?!  Yourself.  Don't do bad shit.  Don't get run over. 

Vindication.  Laugh-out-fucking-loud.  This isn't war, homie.  Calm yourself down.

Repost this if you're a nice guy
Girls Repost if you're lookin for this/or appreciate these guys

Just for shits and giggles...

Girls, repost this if you just want to get laid tonight...by any guy you find attractive.