So... I got an email from the Tyra Banks show saying that they loved my myspace page and thought I was so funny and wanted to talk to me. So I called them- I thought, wow, Tyra Banks wants me to do stand up on their show..or something. So I called and the producer explained to me that they wanted to do a segment answering the question "do attractive people get better service?" (Yes yes I know, a far cry from pervious topics "do good looking people get treated better" "do ugly people get treated worse" and "look ya'll, Tyra's in a fat suit again") In any case, I felt flattered, wow, a talk show run by a super model thinks I'm attractive.. "Ms. Shlesinger, we were looking at your page/pictures...You're not glamorous or like, a bombshell- kind of average looking girl next door- we want to give you a make over- do you think that would help with your stand up?"

I heard crickets.

"No" I said "Fashion and comedy do not go hand in hand. I don't think people would listen to me more if you stuck me in some bad outfit from Kohls." COME ON! It isn't as if I don't shower before my shows...and I do wear some make up- I'm not a total warthog (but wouldn't it be fun to be one for a day?). "We just thought maybe, since better looking people are treated better on a daily basis, maybe you would get a better response if you had a make over" they said. YA know it isn't as if people chuck vegetables at me as I walk down the street, I think I get treated pretty well for a non super model. "Well, what about at your work? What if we did the make over and did a big reveal to your office" Uh, I'm not your average HR worker who loves Tyra and watches your show....ok? I work in an office with 5 people most of whom I don't see or talk to... So aside from just making me uncomfortable for a day, I can't see the point of making me over for work. "Well" I said "even if I wanted to, it's really up to my manager" "you have a manager?" she/he asked "we got the impression that you were more amateur..ya know, maybe we could come film you at like, a local open mic" It was at this point in the conversation that I wondered, what did I ever do to you? "Well, we'll talk to your manager either way. In any case, I think you're funny and I loved your blog" Really, I thought, because if you read my blogs..you would see that on Friday, April 26th I posed a blog entitled "TYRA BANKS: The Antichrist" safe to say, I'm not a fan.

Let's pretend that, for a second, I was a directionless person of marginal talent and got this $5 make over... It woudl probably consist of some sort of chunky high lighted hair (most of my readers are guys, so I'll explain "chunky highlighs" are when a girl gets stripes of color in her hair- bottom line, the recipient thinks they look "funky" whic is a synonym for "trashy") and the aforementioned Kohls wardrobe...gaucho pants, flirty jean jacket..ugh, pointy shoes..some sort of huge belt...ugh. They would gather 10 of my close family and friends and fiance (bc the girls who get makeovers always have fiances) at some random coffee house and reveal "the new iliza" to tens of applauds. I would then be forced to do the most awkward comedy set of my life in heels and a skirt. After the canrival of bad comedy, I would appear on the show.
I would walk onstage in said outfit and look right at Tyra and say "Tyra, girlfriend, I gotta tell you- ya know those days where you feel just terrible? Like really down on yourself and ugly?" And Tyra, always the understanding friend would pretend like she was totally there with me "honey child, I know! I know that feeling, you know I was a model and when I was a model, modeling, I felt bad all the time- I know that feeling" "Right, well, Tyra, that was how I felt EVERY DAY of my life UNTIL this makeover- I feel transformed" Then we would hug until the commercial break where she would turn into a bat with a poof of smoke and fly away into the moon.

THANK YOU TYRA- WHAT WOULD NORMAL PEOPLE DO WITHOUT YOU THERE TO REMIND THEM THAT YOU ARE JUST AS NORMAL AS THEM! BE GONE, BAT!