A couple of days ago, I was in the grocery store & spotted the latest issue of ESSENCE magazine.
Somewhere on the cover, I saw "Zane's 9 Tips For Mind-Blowing Sex".  But, ya know what??
I DIDN'T even bother to checkout the article b-cuz I knew that it wasn't gonna say shit anyway.

You know how it is with those so-called trendy magazines like Essence & Cosmopolitan....
every month, they advertise ways to spice up your sex life on the cover [like it's brand new].
But, when ya read the article----it always ends up being the same ole shit that you've already seen.

Yesterday, I decided to Google "Zane's 9 Tips For Mind-Blowing Sex"
just to see if anybody had read the article & posted their thoughts about it online....
& whatta ya know!!!!  Somebody named Bittervibes had written a stinging blog critique of it
[confirming my wise decision to leave the magazine sitting untouched on the rack].

So, today, I'm gonna do my part to add spice to people's sex lives by offering my own tips
[b-cuz I know damn well that I'll do a BETTER job than Essence & Cosmopolitan could ever do].
The only catch is that I'm only gonna post 8 of em' [b-cuz that's my favorite number].

No, you're NOT gonna see me post stuff like "have a threesome" b-cuz nowadays,
folks just have 3somes simply b-cuz they wannabe seen as cool & trendy to the rest of the world
like "Look @ me, I'm a freak & had a 3some----who cares if the 2 folks were butt fuckin' ugly"!!!
So, the focus of today's topic ISN'T gonnabe to make you FEEL COOL & better about yourself. 
Some things you might've tried, a few might seem like givens, & others will be off-the-wall.

1. Wash Your Ass
This one's pretty basic, but it's ohhh sooo important b-cuz it can ruin the whole experience.
You'd be amazed @ how many people forget about this tip.  Here's what I'm talking about....

Alotta people go to work, take a dump, go out for drinks afterwards, meet someone @ the bar,
go home with em', make out as soon as the apartment door opens, & whip out the condom....
but, NEITHER of them have WASHED THEIR ASS in the past 12 hours!!!!
They just proceed to make drunken monkey sex & blame their stupidity on THE CHEMISTRY.
And then, they've got the nerve to wake up thinking, "Damn, this person has some bad breath"!!!

College kids are so much worse....   dirty butt hookups are just a part of their DAILY routine.
They go out, drink like fish, & will get sweaty from dancing all night with beer up to their ankles.
Then, those idiots go home & fuck each other's brains out.  They're lucky to shower beforehand.
Just think of all of the sorority sisters that sneak boys into their house who shouldn't be there,
the girls that DON'T wanna shower in frat house bathrooms that're infested with athlete's foot,
& the students that're living in dorms that're designated for ONE gender.
Hmmmm....   & people wonder why STD transmission is so high on college campuses nationwide.

Alotta people will grab a rubber & leave the house thinking, "I hope that I get lucky tonight"....
but, NOBODY leaves the house with soap, a wash cloth, & a toothbrush [just in case].
They just go out, dance all night, & drop their pants despite their crotch smelling like onions
from all the sweat.

So, if ya wanna have mind-blowing sex....   then, my 1st suggestion is to WASH YOUR ASS 1st
[if you don't, then you'll surely guarantee that you're remembered for all the WRONG reasons].


2.  Go Bareback
Nowadays, this is a risky proposition [with AIDS & all of the other intergallactic STDs].
But, if you're ever lucky enough to throw birth control pills & negative HIV tests into the mix....
then, you'll quickly learn that THERE's NOTHING LIKE GOOD OLE RAW SEX!!!!

I completely understand the need for health folks to PROMOTE SAFE SEX....
but, they really need to STOP trying to sell the idea [to everyone] that 
"sex with a condom feels the same, as sex without a condom" [b-cuz that's some bullshit].

Why can't they just be honest & wage a safe sex campaign that tells folks:
"Bareback feels ALOT better, but babies are expensive & STD's hurt....   so, STRAP IT UP"!!!!
Still, one of the benefits of being monogamous & having trust is that you can go bareback....
and if she's on the pill, then IT's ALL GOOD!!!! 

Now, I'm NOT gonna act like I've been the patron saint of safe sex in my life, by any means....
to tell ya the truth, I've gone bareback 99.9% of the time [if ya count all the times I've had sex].
I consider myself lucky to have NEVER gotten anything in my young & stupid risk-taker stage.
But, in the 3 times that I've EVER used a rubber, I can honestly say that I HATED the feel of it
[my johnson was like that slave in Amistad  who kept screaming, "GIVE US FREE"!!!!].


3.  Porno Twister
If you've gotta lover that's relaxed, open, & eager to please....  then, this can be alotta fun.
All that you've gotta do is pop a flick into the DVD player & do whatever sex act that y'all see!!!
Just think of it as an X-rated version of FOLLOW THE LEADER.
You 69 when they do, move onto anal if they do, & wrap up the festivities @ the money shot.
The hard part's keeping up with the folks on screen when they change positions & cut the tape.


4.  The Knock Up
Though I've NEVER had sex with a pregnant chick before....
alotta my friends & other men have sworn that having sex with a pregnant chick feels incredible.
I've heard that the woman's REALLY horny b-cuz her hormones are raging & she's crazy wet!!!!

Now, personally, I'd be sorta scared that I'd hit it so hard that the kid would be born with dimples.
But, someday when Carly gets pregnant, I'll find out if babies REALLY get dimples this way.


5.  Web Cam Shows
This one's extreme----but, if you wannabe a REAL freak & bring out the animal in ya....
then, buy a web cam & start doing live online sex shows for the world's voyeurs to see.
Invite perverts to e-mail their requests & say, "Tell us what you wanna see & WE'LL DO IT"!!!!
Now, you've gottabe prepared for folks to ask y'all to engage in golden showers & cropophilia.
Talk about taking your sex life to another level.


6.  Open House
If you REALLY dislike your neighbors & wannabe the most talked about couple, on your block....
then, open every window in the house BEFORE having sex & keep the blinds open for all to see.
Guys:  You've gotta hit that shit so hard that she screams & wakes up the entire neighborhood!!!!
Ladies:  You've gotta moan @ the top of your lungs, talk dirty, & return fire to your man HARD.
Y'all will enjoy putting yourselves on display.


7.  Mark Your Territory
You know how it is, whenever ya bring your lover to your parents' house for a special occasion....
things can get boring pretty fast!!!!  Well, instead of playing footsies under the dinner table....
just disappear to the bathroom & leave your mark by doing the nasty in your parent's place!!!!
Turn on the fan, while you do it [to cover up any noise] & DON'T BREAK ANYTHING.
Please remember to wash when you're finished & don't forget to fix your hair n' clothes.

Also, if you work in an office environment, then here's a good idea....  stay after work late &
invite your lover to come over & do it on the conference table [or in your mean ole boss' office].
Think of an excuse to call your boss @ home before ya do it & make sure that the door is locked.
You DON'T want the cleaning crew to catch you, in the act.


8.  That's What Friends Are For
How many of you have had sex, while your best friend was in the room????
I've done it before & it's NOT nearly as weird as you'd think.

I dunno what possessed me to have sex with this chick, in front of my buddy....
shoot, it's NOT like we COULDN'T have gone upstairs & done the nasty in one of the beds.
I think we were too lazy to walk upstairs, b-cuz we were so baked from all that gunja we'd smoked.

I can only remember hitting that shit, while Joe Styx was eating a bowl of cereal 10 feet away....
he wasn't even paying attention to us [for most of the time], b-cuz he was so busy watching TV.

The weirdest part is knowing that you're banging a chick butt naked in front of your best friend....
but, you're just like, "Oh well, this CAN'T be worse than being on a porn set with tons of eyes".