Today, as I was returning from the Mall – after having bought several metric tons worth of readers for Solitary – I managed to catch a passing girl's eyes, and I smiled. And wouldn't you know, she smiled back. Then, in passing another girl, the same thing happened. Another smile! Wow. I must be so disarming and handsome, I thought, that women would smile at me.

Or maybe I have croissant in my teeth.

But I'll tell you something, boys. Girls smile at you because they don't want you to catch on. All of womanhood harbors a dark secret -and women try to suppress it, in order to maintain an aura of superiority that most women have. This sense of supremacy is important to them, for it ensures that guys are the ones that pay for their dinners on dates and buy them expensive things that serve no purpose, like diamonds or roses, instead of things we want for ourselves, like dirt bikes or a Playboy subscription.

Well, no more can this tyranny exist. I, Christopher Adkins, am impervious to their womanly wiles, and thus feel compelled, on behalf of men everywhere, to reveal this chilling skeleton in every young lady's closet (hidden, most likely, beneath a pile of unworn high heels).

Women are no cleaner than men are.

I know, it sounds blasphemous. I mean, hasn't tradition dictated that women clean the house? It's even in the Bible. Leviticus 2:16 clearly states that,

"…and in the house, and of the house, woman shall clean, and the cleaning shall be good, and the man will inevitably mess it up, so it is written."

Obviously, the twelve disciples who penned this holy scripture were men, and they were probably not so different than today's men: they sat around, swilling mead (the Coors Light of a bygone era), talking about the latest oxen trading and basically thinking that for having evolved from apes, they're pretty great and since they were the ones who pushed evolution along, women should have to clean up after them.

"Hey Job, don't you think that our wives should clean the house, since we're the ones doing all the work around here, making civilization run and such?"

"But Mark, then who'll pull the plows?"

But boys, I hate to admit, but we stopped evolving right about then. We're still the same dumb cave-dwellers we've always been, except now we have fast cars and lunchroom condiments for our meat. But we still like wrestling, we still giggle at shameless violence, and we still like watching big things collapse. And expecting women to do the dishes simply because we're men is an outdated notion.

You see, girls on the other hand have made insurmountable progress. They've been separating out ribonucleic acids from cells, constructing perpetual motion machines, building robots, and basically beating the tar out of guys in all areas, except maybe wrestling and blowing up buildings.

I know, you're probably thinking, "But what about women like Martha Stewart, who personify a good housewife?"

Well, where did you think those aforementioned robots entered the picture?

Woman is cunning, and she has found a way to avoid doing the cleaning for thousands of years – and yet, she still holds it over our heads like she's the clean one, and plays off of our basic instincts, with lines like, "No folding laundry, no sex," or "I vacuumed all day, so I get to pick the movie we watch tonigh—ooh! Sense and Sensibility!"

And since the male brain has not evolved, we still think we're getting the better end of the deal.

"Yes, sex! That's worth anything," we think.

But alas, we're duped into thinking that women are the clean ones because they ask us to clean for them. This is why only the only inventions seemingly attributed to males are washing machines and irons; because they've subtly coerced us into work that has been traditionally theirs, we, as lazy men, have foraged ahead in the arena of house-cleaning machines, so we don't have to do as much work when we're tricked into washing the dishes.

You see, I live with girls. And as such, such long-hidden secrets of female nature are bound to emerge. You want to know why girls don't let you into their bathrooms or sorority houses, guys? It's because it's probably even messier than your place. Sure, maybe you have a tower of beer cans on the table, but that's more of a conversation piece for you. Girls, on the other hand, have cascades of clothing, pouring out onto the floor, and stacks of plates and knives that rival the Alps in sheer height. I know this, as I am the resident dish-washer, despite the fact that the pile of dinnerware is taller than I am.

I know what you girls are thinking. You're thinking about Ally McBeal reruns. See, you're not even paying attention. But you should, because we males are on to your evil machinations. There's far more sinister ideas percolating in that fancy-schmancy evolved brain of yours, and we're apt to discover even more damaging secrets, like what really goes on at those all-girl sleepovers.

Why do you blame men for all the world's problems? Sure, maybe it's all our fault, but nobody likes a whiner. If you're more evolved than us, ladies, then you should see us men for the noble savages we are, and understand that we are not capable of things like complex thought.

And as such, you should leave us to our wrestling matches, because we simply cannot do the dishes. Ask a more highly-evolved being.

Like a sponge.

Note: Any and all potentially offensive comments made in this journal are not necessarily the views of the author. He likes women, and thinks that men and women are equally unfit to do the dishes. The other guys made me say it, I swear.