This is becoming the longest tour we have ever done – a big waste of fossil fuel, the hardest crash of personal emotions, the biggest load you can put onto an old mercedes lady – and onto our worn bodies.

This is part I of the ultimate guideline for post-bourgeouis gypsies, a recipe for professional antiprofessionalism. This is about how to live from humus and warm beer, how to get free tattoos, how to sleep between a pool table and a swimmingpool, how to lose a snare drum as well as the need for clean t-shirts.

This is our two-and-a-half weeks journey from Vienna, Austria to Aberdeen, Scotland.

Thursday, July 10th, 2008
AT, Vienna

Ok, no long stories about preparations again. Stuff packed, van fixed (well, more or less), 4 crates of beer will have to do this time. We have new tshirts for sale – subversive black on dark green prints as well as a sort of yellow that can easily be named eye-cancer. We have a new bass player. Well, „new" is probably exaggerated, but it's Walter's first tour, whereas it's probably Lux' and Julia's last one. C'mon, you've known this, right?

We leave Vienna at around 2am, nightdriving towards southern Germany, Bodensee.

Friday, July 11th, 2008
GER, Freiburg, KTS

Starting off kinda touristic, we stop at a nice village and occupy the park at the northern coast of the lake, overviewing the swiss mountains in the south. Sun and having a bath, then on to Freiburg. Arriving at the KTS after asking our way through, and find food and beer already prepared for us. How turn a railway backyard into a center for autonomous intercultural exchange? Squat the world. There's the biggest dinner we ever saw. Germany remains a bright example. However, time is not an issue in that context, therefore we start third after midnight. Still everyone's in a good mood, so are we, and sweat ourselves troughout a good first show. People are lovely.

Not expecting to find so many people staying that late, we end up chilling outside, talking about punkrock's sellout , major labels and the fall of Germany's social system. Thanks!

Saturday, July 12th, 2008
F, Paris, Glaz'Art

French motorways are long and expensive. Even more the latter if you get caught with no seatbelt on. 90.- for Bertl. Arriving after the usual Paris traffic jam, we find our van guided into a huge backyard area that looks more like a beach than a venue. A huge beach! We're playing inside, while the outdoor stage is being prepared for a parallel chillout area. If you mix three hardcore- and one punkrockband, backline chaos is kinda programmed, especially if there's just enough space for three people and a crate of beer.

We're on 2nd, find a good crowd, but spend most of our 25 minutes fighting tech probs. Anyway, Paris has always been good to us, and people proved that once again.

We watch Strength Approach and after the first few songs from H2O i spend the rest of the evening relaxing in the beacharea, drinking the most expensive glasses of Caipirinha i ever had. Sun sets late, we load in and drive to the promoter's friend Chris to end up on comfy floors.

Sunday, July 1threeth, 2008
F, La Rochelle, WBC

The journey doesn't get shorter if you miss motorway exits. My fault. After too many miles on country roads, we arrive at Steve's place instead of the venue. My fault again, why the fuck enter the wrong adress in the sat nav?

La rochelle is beautiful at sunset, we load in gear over incredible small stairs, set up backline, meet some far relatives of mine and make them pay a beer for everyone. The day before the 14th of July, and La Rochelle is going crazy already. As we walk through the old city center, there's dozens of bands playing everywhere, and thousands of people make walking around an quite tiring experience.

Back to the club, Melt Team Plugs have set up already and start their show. Really enjoyed it, and though time AND space is short here, we have a good time playing.

Loading in and leaving for MTP's drummer Antoine's, where a decent after show party is in works already. While everyone gathers around the swimming pool, i end up playing drunk billiard against myself. I do not remember much of it, however. I think i lost.

Monday, July 14th, 2008
F, La Rochelle, day off

I wake up covered in sweat in the van. Last chance for the pool, i forget to take my cell phone outta my pocket. Dive! Mobile communication is cut off for the rest of the day.

I sometimes wonder if this has anything to do with a punkrockband on tour – we go directly from the pool to the beach. The wind is strong enough to unpack our kite for the first time, getting pulled around on atlantic seashore rocks. Fun. We spend the whole day hanging around, i have the warmest beer ever.

We meet Steve again to get introduced to Antoine II, who will host us tonight. He's a seaman, connecting continents with fibre cable, two weeks before he leaves for Island. Communication's coming up again. We park the van at his flat and walk to the city center, where people are finally going completely crazy. Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. I sometimes wonder if people still feel the power behind those phrases after the takeover of Sarkozy. We have a hard time finding vegan food, watch the fireworks, and listen to the Vanessa Paradise show at the opposite side of the harbour „I wanna be your baby tonite!"

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
F, Le Havre, Le Kingstown

With seatbelts fastened, we take the 600km ride to Le Havre. Streets here are small, and so is the venue. After setting up, i walk to the beach once again, and when i get back i find a crazy crowd confining a band that's even more crazy. Somehow everything is covered in beer and champagne, and we start playing on a completely wet backline. Nothing here stays dry. An hour after reading about participatory economics on a lonely beach, i'm surrounded by sweat and skin and bodies. This is unbelievable. Where's my microphone again? Who hit me in the face? Why is everbody moving closer with every song we play? We fight back. In the end, i have less than a meter left between the drumset and the crowd. We're soaked.

Still some people have energy left to attend a beach party, while some of us crush on Bertrand's floor. The space i occupy is as tiny as everything else tonight. Not knowing i will feel my neck terribly for the next weeks, i finally fall asleep.

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
F, Le Havre, day off

This is becoming the day-off tour it seems. I walk to the beach once again. Half an hour going there, but if you get lost it can easily be 2 hours getting back. Haha. Some nice bandmates have prepared dinner. Bertrand takes us to the next party, this time i join. Again half an hour walk, talking about the latest wave of repression french people are experiencing under the new government. When he tells me about his girlfriend recently beaten by a police officer, i'm again reminded of the french revolution's slogan, so happily celebrated just two days before.

We end up at Bertrand's friends, and after quite some amount of Ricard – the most disgusting combination of anis and alcohol – the burgeois gypsies take a cab home.

Thursday, July 17th, 2008
BE, Louvain, De Sojo

As if mobile society needs to be under constant surveillance, we find the way to Belgium flowered with police patrols. It's a miracle we don't get stopped, still we're kinda happy to leave France somehow. Where's Luis de Funes?

It starts raining. It gets cold, however, meeting Face the Fax and Astpai in Leuven makes at least our hearts feel warm. So does the vegan pasta.

We watch FTF and Astpai, feeling almost kinda at home – although i somehow already forgot what that really means. We're finally on the road again, one of the most elevating aspects of throwing your life away in the name of punkrock.

That's also the spirit that goes with our show tonight. We loved it, and people let us feel that they also do. Underlining that, we finish with Minor Threat's „i don't wanna hear it".

As i go through the few informations i have for this tour, i discover that tomorrow's drive and the ferry times leave us about 4 hours of sleep. That spent in a huge garage at Ed's, where the van is parked, Lukas and me brought enough beer and green spirit to cut even this off to 2 hours.

Friday, July 18th, 2008
UK, Brighton, day off

My head aches. Will i ever enter that ferry without a hangover? Anyway, arriving on on the island feels comfortable immediately. Driving on the left hand side to brighton, we pick up a pale and tired looking Ed in the streets. Arriving at the best known house in East Sussex, we immediately occupy kitchen and living room. I hope our brighton friends are used to misbehaving Austrians by now.

Nick from From Plan To Progres is living here as well, and he convinces me and Bertl to join him for a couple of drinks in the City. Rather say Shitty, all the bars are either closing or they won't let us in. Combine a liquor store and a park, that solves almost any situation.

Saturday, July 19th, 2008
UK, Brighton, Engine Rooms

We have the whole day for hanging around and cooking lunch before we go down to the venue. Parking at the seafront, we load in stuff and then grab the kite once again. Once it's prepared, it raises into the sky with yet unexpected power, pulling me off the ground, and finally dragging me along the beach – on my knees. Lukas gives it a try, and me manages to do jumps around 10 feet wide! In the end, nature is stronger than the human spirit, the wind rips the strings apart, and we leave the beach with shaking hands. Back to work. Meet Ines, good to see some face from home, wherever that may be.

Catch the last songs of the local band, so right in time to watch Chief from Liverpool once again. Being curious about their new drummer, i thought they had even improved! The set was amazing, and we immediately traded their new album. Then it was our turn, since FPTP were supposed to headline that night. We had an awesome time, both playing and watching FTPT play after us, the we packed gear and loaded out quickly. Too quickly it seems, with many people helping and everything quite busy outside, we would find out later that the snaredrum didn't make into the van.

Back to Ed's, and we all skip the party tonight. Sorry brighton!

Sunday, July 20th, 2008
UK, Macclesfield, The Swan with two Necks

We leave early, and since Birmingham's traffic jam is not too hard, we make it to the swan at around 6. We remember an outdoor smoking area and an extremely nice landlady and –lord, some good things don't change. Meet Dave from The Shuffle who's setting up an interesting chaos of PA and recording stuff, we bring in backline and find out that the snaredrum is not there. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. We start to investigate. Call Ed. Call Chief and FPTP. Fuck.

Borrow another snaredrum and do soundcheck. Second Base from Belgium arrive together with the Living Daylights from Lincoln. Both bands play amazing set, even though the stage situation is a little bit weird in the Swan. We're again having a good time, although the year before the audience was a little bigger. Anyway, Wendy the best landlady ever gets us some pizza and chinese food, and we even get beer for free, and some gas money. We can use it, having around 10 quid left.

Accomodation UK style – ask around. Dave offers to take us to Manchester, when Blair and Karen offer to stay at theirs just around the corner. That's the place to go. We park the van at the back of their house and occupy their living- and extra room, including guitar hero on playstation. Stupid game. Who wants to play guitar anyway?

Lukas and me stay in the van because of security reasons.

Monday, July 21th, 2008
UK, Manchester, day off

We occupy their flat a little longer, sorting out police report for the snaredrum, and try to find a drumshop somewhere around. As we have lunch at the van a policecar arrives, with the officer telling us someone had called them because there's gypsies hanging around at their parking. He laughs as he sees us, and gives us contacts for the crime report, where we finally get the snaredrum reported (the only police station we find is closed...).

We find a drum shop in Manchester, and while Bertl finds a beautiful 70ies Ludwig snaredrum for a good price, i text Chief about any ideas where we can stay tonight. We have no show, and ideas are short.

When our Liverpool friends get things running, i recieve a call from Dave again, and this time we take the offer. It's a nice house just five minutes away, and we find Dave's housmates Ben and Colum in front of the playstation, exactly the place where we end up as well.

Tuesday, July 22th, 2008
UK, Blackburn, Sir Charles Napier

Sleep. SLEEP!!!

After we have some leftovers from the van for breakfast, we take the ride to Blackburn. I wonder who had the idea that music venues should be on the first floor above the pub? Tiny stairs lead up there, and Andy is already setting up the PA. The "stage" is somehow merged with what's sometimes a bar, not making setup easier. Yet we have a good show after the three opening bands, covering the whole place in sweat. It's obvious that this is the hottest tour we have ever done.

As we chat with people afterwards, we aquire the best deal ever – "hey your show was great, i'm your biggest fan, i'll come to the show tomorrow, since i'm working in bolton in a tattoo studio." - "you're a tattoist? So we can get free tattoos tomorrow, can't we?" - "yes, sure, here's my number" - ha! :D

Anna won't remember any of that the day after, but we'll remind her, haha.

Drive half an hour to the rehersal room of Andy's brother where we finally get some sleep.

Wednesday, July 2threeth, 2008
UK, Bolton, Dog & Partridge

Anna's surprised as we show up at Dave T's tattoo studio, but hey, a deal is a deal! Walter, Bertl and me get penetrated by Anna's needles, and whilst creaming wounds we drive over to the Dog & Partridge. Cotty's there already, and we find ourselves sqeezing in our backline into the rather small room once again. Nice one, we didn't actually make out the backyard last time in february. Sitting there, watching the first band starting - "my mom's a prostitute, sha-la-la-la-la". Interesting sing-alongs.

We have a good one again. Thanks Bolton.

Our new spanish friends Esther and Angelo invite us to stay at their house just around the corner, and we happily take the offer. Ending up in their kitchen, we have a great evening, discussing the spanish underground and drinking strong liquor.

Thursday, July 24th, 2008
UK, Bradforn, 1in12

Sleep. Breakfast. Lunch. Leave for Bradford. The 1in12 Club is one of the first clubs in the UK that reminds us of a squat somehow. There's a stage (yes, a real stage) and even better – A LIBRARY. Luke welcomes us and we have dinner between piles of books. I unfortunately miss Nana's Revenge but manage to catch a few songs of More Than A Choke's crusty hardcore set. The Wind Whistles is a two-piece from Canada, already touring Europe for three months, and with their acoustic folk they really mix an musical alternative in between our overamplified conformity. This is what we deliver next. Loud and sweaty once again, but struggling a little bit throughout the set. Feels like we are getting exhausted easily after only two weeks already.

We leave our stuff on stage, and bring sleeping bags and beer into the library to crush on an almost intellectual floor. Thanks Luke, the 1in12's really a place to go! Keep it up!

Friday, July 25th, 2008
UK, Perth, Donskies

Luke's gotta leave for work early, so we have to get up at 8am!!! Feels horrible. However, morning feeling, take the endless A65 to get to the motorway up and straight to Scotland. We discover a beautiful coffee sit-in in the middle of the country side and have strong espresso for lunch.

M6 north, crossing River Eden to hit the Scottish borders. There's defintely more sheep up here. What if you'd replace touring with a punk rock band with having a small cottage in the green of nowhere? Before that, there's still some things to do – that is, for example, stopping at AK Press Edinburgh to go through Alexis' warehouse, being overwhelmed by the amount of worldsaving literature. We finally stock up our distro to a reasonable size. Arm yourself!

I recieve a very Scottish sounding phonecall from the promoters, didn't know that our old friend Chick from PMX is there tonight. So I'm getting even more excited about our first show here after over three years. It's five bands on the bill, including Chief again. The bar's big, but the space on "stage" is kinda ultra narrow. Since Dirtbox is pulling most local crowd, we agree on playing last but one. Playing after Escape to Victory and Chief is becoming a hard one really, linoleum floors do not make it less slippery. We swim. If only that daily shower would have a cleaning effect – my shirt already smells so bad that people keep a safety distance. Wisely! Leaving the club afterwards feels like switching between jungle and arctic climate zones. I'm way too exhausted to catch much of Dirtbox. We compensate with beer, a strategy that still works when we arrive at Chick's house. Great flat, crazy party.

Saturday, July 26th, 2008
UK, Edinburgh, Bannermans

Sleep. Breakfast. Lunch. We're slowly getting used to it by now.
We don't make it up to our given "gypsy" label it seems. I even have a shower.

We leave for edinburgh, which is only an hour away. We knew this city's crazy, but tonight it's even heavier. The streets are packed, masses of girls in disguise, must be hen's night. Not our primary business, but funny to watch while we load in gear. The Bannerman's got a stage and a decent soundsystem, and the in-house engineer is playing bass in The Exploited. We set up, spend way too much time doing soundcheck. Sounds horrible.

Neil tells us to go to his flat, and accompanied by his wife Tracy we get the most amazing vegan chili ever. Back at the venue, we catch the opening bands, there's a surprisingly big crowd! As we come on stage, it sounds way better than the soundcheck, and we're having a better set than the last few days. I can't stop wondering if people keep a certain distance because of sound levels or because of our smell.

After loading, we still enjoy busy streets, by now most hens succeeded – Tracy stops three of them, unpacking their rubber doll. We leave for livingston, supposed to stay at Rob's and Paula's, where we meet a dog the seize and colour of a polar bear. We get lessons in scottish until 5am. Rob's a straight edge, but he gives me finest scoth. Ne'er the tweed shall meet!

Sunday, July 27th, 2008
UK, Aberdeen, Cafe Drummonds

The peak, almost there! From here on, it can only go down. Hoping to get some beach impressions, we try to go along the coast for several times, but fog is stronger than sun (if you are here and the sun is there, imagine the fog is right in between). Same in Aberdeen, making the "silver city" appear in solid grey. We're too hangover to get depressive. Seaguls rule the streets, attacking people for their chips. Anarchy is in the air!

There's nine bands on the bill, there's also some lack of reglement on stage. The soundguy appears to be more working on how to get some beer instead of trying to get a good sound. We get the van parked, discover a backstage room (yes, in the UK! - thrilling experience!), and after Chief it's our turn to headline this marathon. In this case, this is also groundbreaking for "how many things can break during a set?" Still a good show, Aberdeen feels great after more than three years.

Sophisticated - „who wants to go to sleep and who wants to party and which van will we take and so on" - stuff, in the end we squeeze all together on Dave's floor, and while some of us walk over to the "party-house" some stay and prove "Masters of the Universe" as the ultimate bullshit film ever. This is where it ends. Doplh Lundgreen. Good Night!

Thanks: Flo & KTS, Steve, Antoine x2, Melt Team Plugs, Bertrand, Chief, FPTP, Living Daylights, Second Base, Wendy, Blair, Karen, Dave, Collum, Ben, Andy + his brother who's name we forgot, Anna + Dave T's, Cotty, Esther, Angelo, Luke, Nana's Revenge, Chic & Gash, Dirtbox, Escape to Victory, Kirk, Neil & Tracy, Rob & Paula, Bode, Dave & Cat and of course everyone else who rocked out, shared food and floors or helped in any other way. We will try to remember. No! We will remember!

In the next issue: how to skip piss breaks, how to screen print in newcastle's living rooms, how to exit a car with broken door handles, how to revise the term "home" and finally – how to face the fact that one has to go there in the end.

XXX keep it up! jack